sigh Black-Tie Optional

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

FI wants to put "black-tie optional" on our reception cards that are going in our invitation suite.

What dictates "b'lack-tie" optional? GM will be in tuxes, BM are in long, royal blue gowns. Our venue is pretty fancy (we're getting married in a castle) so, the location isn't an issue.

Is it food? Decor? What?

I just feel like it's a terrible idea.

nda_roxybabe · March 2010

I wouldn't do it.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

Black tie means tuxes for the male guests and evening/cocktail gowns for the women. It's way formal for most guests.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

I know what black-tie is, but what makes something "optional"?

crfische · March 2010

Well, I would guess I could opt to wear a black tie, or I could opt to wear a flannel shirt.

Hey! You said optional.

jnic0319 · March 2010

I think it's a bad idea. Black tie optional comes with A LOT of expectations. If people have to rent a tux to attend your wedding it better be pretty damn amazing. Formal reception is a common practice here, but I'm still not so hott on that one either.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

I think that the men would still need to be in suits if they opt not to wear tuxes. I don't think it changes the women's dresses much.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:0176d153-9e22-4a5b-82ec-1227423d1338">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't do it.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]<div>
<div>That's totally my gut. I can't believe it, but he wants it to be this "affair" of sorts. It stopped me dead in my tracks when he said it.</div></div>

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:7193b86a-55dc-483e-8276-26c8498d6563">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I would guess I could opt to wear a black tie, or I could opt to wear a flannel shirt. Hey! You said optional.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

<div>How about a black tie WITH a flannel shirt. I'd let you in ;)</div>

Brie2010 · March 2010

It just doesn't logically make sense to me. In theory...black tie is always optional. Someone can wear a tux to a beach wedding if they want...they'll look like a dbag, but hey, looking like a dbag is an option.

Pretty much everything is optional--dresses, speedos, ball gags, whatever. I think you only need to put these kinds of things on invites when they're required, either by the ceremony or reception venue.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:7ff21d8f-f0a9-474a-8d43-1a71cdf9b8bf">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional : How about a black tie WITH a flannel shirt. I'd let you in ;)
Posted by btrflykate1230[/QUOTE]
Now THAT sounds like my kind of wedding!

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:db855d99-cd38-48ac-9a30-e2a37a2c06d6">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that the men would still need to be in suits if they opt not to wear tuxes. I don't think it changes the women's dresses much.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>He wants all the men in suits, which, I can kind of see, but still. The whole thing just makes me feel uneasy.</div>

nda_roxybabe · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:90c39f7f-8ba4-45fb-b98f-3dda02fb3224">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]I know what black-tie is, but what makes something "optional"?
Posted by btrflykate1230[/QUOTE]
Thats just the thing. I think if its going to be black tie then it will be black tie. If its optiional I'd put nothing.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:97c6255d-797a-4a1f-964e-fd7aafa6562b">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional : By the way, your kid is friggin' adorable.
Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks! :) I think so too!</div>

sucrets4 · March 2010

Why does he want this so bad?

Moneypenny424 · March 2010

We put it on our invitation and only afterwards did I realize it was a little strange/confusing. It ended up working well though. Most men wore suits, but a lot of people were happy to bust out those tuxes they never wear. Our wedding was formal, but I didn't want everyone going out to rent a tux.

Some women had some questions re what it meant, but to me it didn't change much for the womens' dress.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:5990edef-6dd4-47f9-a610-96682fd838fe">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional : Thats just the thing. I think if its going to be black tie then it will be black tie. If its optiional I'd put nothing.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, it seems like I'll have to put my foot down and say no. It's a semi-formal attire sort of thing, but guest will know that based on the location and time. Thanks! :)</div>

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:afce24e9-8703-4e25-9ab6-a94e0a7a1d0b">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does he want this so bad?
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

<div>Since we're having it at a castle, he has this mindset that it should be super classy and formal. That's why he wants to put "black-tie optional" on the invite. I get that he wants a fancy shindig, to go with the castle (I mean, it would have an old-world elegance to it if people were in tuxes) but we just can't afford to throw the black-tie affair.</div><div>
</div><div>Hence, the "optional" part he wants to put on there.</div>

sarah0725 · March 2010

This sounds like one of those times to use your womanly wiles to persuade him otherwise. Sometimes when FI wants weird things, I just let it go and then don't bring it up again, because he can't remember anything he says for more than six days. It's amazing how that kid changes his mind.... but for some reason, I feel like this might all bite me in the ass six days before our wedding.

Anyway, maybe you can compromise with him and get him to make a decision on something else that you don't care about? Because putting "black tie optional" on your invites isn't the best idea....

jnic0319 · March 2010

"He wants all the men in suits, which, I can kind of see, but still. The whole thing just makes me feel uneasy."

Not sure how to insert text here, but honestly I'm pretty sure given the setting the men will be in suits. They will kind of look like idiots if they don't wear suits in which case that's their problem not yours. Unless it's a beach wedding or backyard wedding I would think suits are a given. Just don't put anything and minimize confusion :-)

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:6ae74b12-a4c8-4a4b-be58-3af37fafa765">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional : If I am going to a wedding in a castle, I am pretty much sure it's either a semi-formal or a formal wedding and will dress accordingly. Some people are really clueless though.
Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

<div>I do have some questionable family members, but still. I think they know better. </div>

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:1965332a-14fa-4e1b-abcc-1cdecc3a485a">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional : Since we're having it at a castle, he has this mindset that it should be super classy and formal. That's why he wants to put "black-tie optional" on the invite. I get that he wants a fancy shindig, to go with the castle (I mean, it would have an old-world elegance to it if people were in tuxes) but we just can't afford to throw the black-tie affair. Hence, the "optional" part he wants to put on there.
Posted by btrflykate1230[/QUOTE]

Honestly, you're not going to be paying attention to what people are wearing that day. People should know to dress up and you guys will be all spiffy, along with your WP.

I think he needs to give this one up.

jnic0319 · March 2010

Put formal reception then. FI and I are still tossing around this idea since the last family wedding my dad's side showed up in flannels and work boots haha. I'm hesitant, but I think formal allows for a lot less expectations and still allows you to tactfully ask for suits. It may be a good compromise.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:b4022963-4376-42be-9dba-606678c9e493">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional : <strong>Honestly, you're not going to be paying attention to what people are wearing that day</strong>. People should know to dress up and you guys will be all spiffy, along with your WP. I think he needs to give this one up.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

<div>I know, right? I mean, if THAT'S what he's going to be paying attention to on our wedding day, and not me, we have bigger problems. All he should be thinking about is the hot hot sex we'll be having that night and how beautiful I am.</div><div>
Dude. That's totally how I'm going to address it, LOL!</div>

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:915c50ff-e978-4d4d-a42a-29c26107f82d">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Put formal reception then.</strong> FI and I are still tossing around this idea since the last family wedding my dad's side showed up in flannels and work boots haha. I'm hesitant, but I think formal allows for a lot less expectations and still allows you to tactfully ask for suits. It may be a good compromise.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

Wrong, don't put anything.

LaurenAnn4 · March 2010

Although "Black Tie Optional" means it's not required, I think it also strongly implies that every aspect of the wedding is going to be "platinum" level. People might expect the royal treatment--open top shelf bar, $100+ plated meals, 10-piece band--you get the idea.

While I always roll my eyes at the guy in jeans and an untucked collared shirt at a formal affair, I think most people will dress up for your wedding regardless, particularly if it's at night and at a castle.

polichik · March 2010

Unless I'm mistaken, "black tie optional" is a relatively new dress code that implies that the dress will be somewhere between black tie and cocktail/business attire. It's less saying "well, you don't HAVE to wear a tux, I guess" and more saying "It's pretty fancy, but not Vanderbilts fancy."

http://www.blacktieguide.com/Basics/3B_Dress_Codes2.htm

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sigh-black-tie-optional?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6ae0dac7-0c9f-453a-a231-4b75d06be349Post:333fab0c-bd6a-4782-b314-5efd6cf9a13a">Re: *sigh* Black-Tie Optional</a>:
[QUOTE]Although "Black Tie Optional" means it's not required,<strong> I think it also strongly implies that every aspect of the wedding is going to be "platinum" level. People might expect the royal treatment--open top shelf bar, $100+ plated meals, 10-piece band--you get the idea</strong>. While I always roll my eyes at the guy in jeans and an untucked collared shirt at a formal affair, I think most people will dress up for your wedding regardless, particularly if it's at night and at a castle.
Posted by LaurenAnn4[/QUOTE]

<div>And THAT'S what I'm afraid of. </div>

jnic0319 · March 2010

I agree sucrets...I hate that idea too, but maybe she needs a compromise haha. If he's anything like my FI drop it and he may forget in a month or so ;-)

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

I think a B&G can "dictate" the formality of the dress is if they're having a platinum wedding. It's a give and take kind of thing in a sense. If the B&G are giving a platinum reception to their guests, then the guests should be dressed to the nines. Budget weddings (even formal budget weddings) just don't make that cut, kwim?

sucrets4 · March 2010

I think writing it would only make people worry about if they're wearing something appropriate and stress about it.

It's a castle which is pretty freakin' cool. Hopefully they'll get it. If not, it's not a HUGE deal, unless the venue has a dress code.

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