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Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.

kawika05kawika05 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance and I have our home all set up and do not need the typical "wedding gifts"
I have hear of a couple who put a slip a paper in their invitation asking for money in lieu of gifts. How do you word this request tackfully? And is it acceptable to do this?
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Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.

  • kimheartsscottkimheartsscott member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    NO.
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  • cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    First Comment
    You wouldn't request it.  If you don't register anywhere, people might get the hint.  But there are some registry websites where people can donate the gift to something specific - ex. downpayment on a house or a honeymoon.

    Mostly, you'd spread this request by word of mouth.  But I would still have a registry, because it's a more personal way for people to contribute.  That would give you the opportunity to update some of what you may already have.
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  • beatlesgirl25beatlesgirl25
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:71b3701a-d1a3-425d-ab08-5f201e34d0a8">Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I have our home all set up and do not need the typical "wedding gifts" I have hear of a couple who put a slip a paper in their invitation asking for money in lieu of gifts. How do you word this request tackfully? And is it acceptable to do this?
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]

    Please do not do this. It is never acceptable to "ask" for any gift. Do not put any paper in your invitations that alludes to gifts in any way.

    You can let people know you'd prefer cash by not having a registry and using word of mouth, or if people ask you about it you can say, "we're saving up for such and such..."



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  • nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:71b3701a-d1a3-425d-ab08-5f201e34d0a8">Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I have our home all set up and do not need the typical "wedding gifts" I have hear of a couple who put a slip a paper in their invitation asking for money in lieu of gifts. How do you word this request tackfully? And is it acceptable to do this?
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]
    There is no tactful wording. It is not acceptable.

    Either register for something you would like to upgrade/ wanted (new towels, bedding, the food processor you've always wanted) or do not register at all and decline any showers that are offered. Have family spread (by word of mouth) that you are saving up for X.

    Do not put any registry (or non registry:such as honeymoon, house, cash, etc) info on the invite at all

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  • luckyme502luckyme502 member
    First Comment
    For a couple of years we’ve lived in sin, 
    We have a Toaster, a Kettle and a Stainless Steel Bin. 
    Saucepans and Towels we have many, 
    Corkscrews and Flannels we don’t need any,
    We just want you with us to celebrate our day.
    But if you insist on a gift anyway, 
    What we’d really like is a gift of money,
    We hope you don’t think we’re being funny! 
    We’ll put it all together and buy something that’s best, 
    as a reminder of our day and our wonderful guests!

    This is the poem I am using.  I mean I should totally get to dictate what gifts my guests give me and they better give me enough cash to cover the cost of the wedding, I am trying to make money off the  whole wedding thing.  I plan on opening the money cards right then and if they don't give me enough, I am kicking them out!  I mean how tacky to not give me at least $100 per person.  I have to make a profit!  No cake for you! 
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  • mags0607mags0607
    First Comment
    edited March 2010
    Damn, Lucky beat me to what I wanted to post...lol

    OP, it is neither polite or acceptable to print anywhere that you would like money instead of gifts.

    Guests get to decide what to give you, and are not obligated to even buy you a present. This is extremely rude to ask for money.
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  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
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    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:71b3701a-d1a3-425d-ab08-5f201e34d0a8">Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE] How do you word this request tackfully? And is it acceptable to do this?
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]
    1.  You would not.<div>2.  No, it is not acceptable to put any insert in your invitation telling people what you want as a gift - no matter what you may want.</div><div>
    </div><div>Instead, you should register for a few select things to give your guests ideas (because whether you want them or not, you will get some gifts - oh darn - so you may want to give them some guidance), and then if anyone asks you what you want you can tell them that you don't need things and a money gift would be appreciated.  Have your family tell folks the same thing if they ask.</div><div>
    </div><div>p.s. I'm always surprised at ppl who say they don't want any actual gifts.  I mean, really, no upgrades, no new dish, no new BBQ accessory, vase?  You need/want absolutely nothing?</div>
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  • nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    Carrie- I know. T and I need money more than anything but I still have a ton of stuff I want that I would ask for before asking for cash. Last Christmas I mentioned I wanted a Kitchenaid not $300.

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  • cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:ff7cc434-e666-4de6-971e-a1c018ea2c41">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]p.s. I'm always surprised at ppl who say they don't want any actual gifts.  I mean, really, no upgrades, no new dish, no new BBQ accessory, vase?  You need/want absolutely nothing?
    Posted by carrieoz_76[/QUOTE]
    That made me think.  If I already had the housewares covered, I'd move into hobbies.  Scuba diving equipment, mostly.  I could always use new gear!  Have a freshwater and a saltwater set?  Not a bad plan.

    So think about your regular life too - what do you have, and what do you go through the day wishing you had?  How do you spend your weekends?  What do you do for fun?
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  • nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:934cb55b-abe0-4bfa-a049-a2dedb49d66b">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]okay get the message. Nice and strong! Feels so nice to be judged when haven't done anything yet! Thanks for all the advise
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]
    Um, where did anyone judge you? At all?

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  • cukimerrydollcukimerrydoll member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:399ef7e5-c3da-4f7b-86fa-b180708f8738">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts. : Um, where did anyone judge you? At all?
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]
    Yeah... I thought we were being pretty nice actually - very general in our advice.
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  • luckyme502luckyme502 member
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    PALM TO FACE
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  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
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    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:976c02cc-ce3a-40a7-a8d6-59b9833d284a">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts. : That made me think.  If I already had the housewares covered, I'd move into hobbies.  Scuba diving equipment, mostly.  I could always use new gear!  Have a freshwater and a saltwater set?  Not a bad plan. So think about your regular life too - what do you have, and what do you go through the day wishing you had?  How do you spend your weekends?  What do you do for fun?
    Posted by cukimerrydoll[/QUOTE]
    Yup.  Actually the Real Simple Weddings magazine has a nice little list that's helpful to use when thinking about registries.  It's got a list of Basics, then moves on to Seasonal items (picnic basket!  BBQ scrubber!).  You get the idea.<div>
    </div><div>I know lots of professionals who've lived independently for a long time and even they need a few new things or would like to upgrade something.</div><div>
    </div><div>Oh, and to the OP:  We weren't judgey.  I mean, no one called you a gift grabby bizzo or anything, so be happy.</div>
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  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:fdeeb7dc-b900-465c-b350-1c6bcd9aec1f">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The thought of a honeymoon registry has come up, does anyone know how to start one? The thought of money came up because I had heard that the people who manage a honeymoon registry takes a percentage of the money given as a gift.As the gift giver I don't think I would want part of my gift given to someone handling the registry. Oh BTW please dont shoot me down okay? Just asking questions not actually doing the deed.
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]
    Honeymoon registries are borderline acceptable.  I mean, some ppl do them.  They say no one they know minds and some guests used it to give them a gift of money.  I would NEVER give to a honeymoon registry, and I would be irritated at the expectation that I even should.  I don't think I'm alone in that.<div>
    </div><div>No matter what you do for a registry, you should not include anything about it in your invitations.  Again, word of mouth is the best way to go on this.  Maybe add it to your wedding website, if you have one.  No more.</div>
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  • kimheartsscottkimheartsscott member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    Is there some deleting going on?

    For clarification sake, I did not mean to type in all caps before.  Typo.  But still, No.
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  • thesuninherheadthesuninherhead member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2010

    I've said it before, but Nick came up with one for us:

     

    Nick and Mel are getting hitched

    So give us all your money, biitch! 

     

    You could lend that one, if you wanted. 

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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    tactful wording for this doesn't exist
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    regrading the HM registry - you'll get mixed opinions on those.  I'm in the no camp.  Most of them charge fees which are deducted from what your guests give.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:bd795513-2217-43eb-b9fb-912ed4cb2bfe">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]   Nick and Mel are getting hitched So give us all your money, biitch!   
    Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

    This one will forever and always be my favorite.
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  • kbmeowkbmeow
    First Comment
    Fi and I are older.  We do not " need" anything.  Our registry has upgrade stuff and a few things that are nice and we would like but not something we would buy ourselves. ( I always wanted a waffle maker).  But our family and wedding party know that if someone asks then they say we are saving for a house money would be apreciated. 
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  • sarabellamsarabellam member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:71b3701a-d1a3-425d-ab08-5f201e34d0a8">Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I have our home all set up and do not need the typical "wedding gifts" I have hear of a couple who put a slip a paper in their invitation asking for money in lieu of gifts. How do you word this request tackfully?[sic] And is it acceptable to do this?
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]
    The reason you are finding it difficult to devise a tactful way to word this is because there <strong>IS NO</strong> tactful way to word this and include it in your invitations. Ever.
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  • bbyckesbbyckes member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    LuckyMe stole my idea.  BOO.
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  • LesPaulLesPaul member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    There is no tactful way to do this.  Don't register, or register for limited 'upgrade' items.  If you don't need another set of china, don't register for it.  When people ask, mention what you are saving for (house, etc).  All of our family and guests knew our individual circumstances, and we received cash and gift cards to places they knew we would like to shop. 
    It is always bad manners to include any mention of gifts in the invitation.
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  • TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:af9bbbeb-5967-44f1-acac-f621665d3ccd">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Carrie- I know. T and I need money more than anything but I still have a ton of stuff I want that I would ask for before asking for cash. Last Christmas I mentioned I wanted a Kitchenaid not $300.
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    Seriously. FI and I went to register last weekend and were able to find 50 things we wanted. Either stuff we haven't been able to justify spending money on (like a kitchenaid) or things we never got around to buying (like a potato masher and cheese knives) or upgrades we'll need eventually (sheets and towels). We have 834029874 wine glasses and really nice pots and pans, but we can still find SOMETHING.

    And trust me, people give money for wedding gifts. They did before honeymoon registries came along. They know it is a welcome present. No need to ask.
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  • smokeybaileysmokeybailey member
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    I don't get this.  Do you send out an email to all of your friends and family who MIGHT be getting you a Christmas gift and tell them, "Hey, you may be getting me a gift this year.  Give me cash instead."  Probably not.

    Do your guests know you AT ALL?  If they do, then they will know that you have a lot of stuff and will probably give you cash.  But do you really want Aunt Karla grabbing that fantastic elephant statue/ash tray/umbrella stand that she saw at Pier One?  Probably not. 

    Do a nice, limited registry.  Like PP's said, there are so many nice things out there that you probably wouldn't buy for yourself.  Do you tailgate?  Refurbish the set up.  Do you have an outdoor eating area?  New outdoor dishes and extras.  New BBQ set.  New knives.  1800 thread count sheets.  Towels that are softer than a kitten.  Shower stool (very handy).  Stuff for the home office.  Artwork.  The complete works of Kenny Rogers.  Blah Blah Blah.

    I hope you get the point.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    This is like asking how you politely tell someone they are ugly.  It's not the wording that's giving you problems.

    It's rude to mention gifts at all unless you are asked.  That include putting anything about the gifts on or in your invitations.  

    If you don't want physical gifts, don't register and decline showers.  People will get the hint.
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  • Anthriel22Anthriel22 member
    First Comment
    Question for the regulars on here...about how many times have you answered this questions?  No offense to OP, just, I have seen this questions a gazillion times, and I havent been around these boards this long.....how have you guys not gone completely insano!?!?!?!?
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tactful-wording-asking-money-lieu-of-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:da64b2e9-65a0-46c1-a73f-eee0fbdd81b1Post:dacfa92b-ce46-45e0-9bcb-fea0325e4cec">Re: Tactful wording for asking for money in lieu of gifts.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Didn't mean to make this such a heated forum. I really do appreciate the advice. I was not intending to send something in the invitation. Someone told me they had recieve a note in an invitation. And was only wondering what other brides thought. It is unfornunate that some of you have taken my question  and been so outraged to the point of coming across as judgemental  and rude. I have been uncomfortable about this subject way before even asking online,  And I am so sad that just asking a simple question (no dumb questions right?) would cause the <strong>worst to come out in people</strong>. I think I will stick to the kindness of friends from now on. I will never be part a forum again
    Posted by kawika05[/QUOTE]

    This was definitely not the worst in us.
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  • kawika05kawika05 member
    First Comment
    that is a very telling and sad comment

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