Too Young???

Klouthain · March 2011

Hey guys I just had a question for the girls that got married or are going to be getting married at a young age.
I am 21 and have been dating my boyfriend for two years, we are very much in love and want to get married when we are both done with college (he graduates next year, I graduate in 2013) so we would both be 23. And I don't feel like thats very young, I mean my parents got married at 23 and they have been happily married for 24 years.
Anyways lately whenever i reallyyyy casually mention how me and my boyfriend want to get married in like two years, some people just feel like they have to give their opinion, which is that "WHOA" you are so young and should not be thinking like that. Specifically some of the parents of my very good friends react that way when they ask how me and my boyfriend are doing.
Also a lot of the people I went to high school with, or that I was friends with years ago are getting engaged, and when I am with people that talk about them, they seem shocked that they could be engaged at the age of 21-23. I never know what to say during those conversations.
Me and my boyfriend are thinking about getting engaged within a year ish and I just don't know what I would say if people I know very well start saying things like that.

Have any of you guys had to deal with something like that? If so, what would you normally say?

BunnyChii · March 2011

I have been with my FI for five years now. We got engaged back in November, about a week before my 21st birthday. We're planning to get married in 2013 once we're both done with school. He'll have JUST turned 24 and I'll be 23. So yeah, I think we're in the same boat here!

Honestly, the first week or two after I got engaged was awful for me because a lot of adults (none of my friends or cousins, just the aunts, uncles, parents, etc) in my life told me I was way too young. One aunt actually told me she would "just die" if HER daughter said she had gotten engaged! I never questioned my engagement - I knew this was what we wanted - but it did (and still does sometimes) hurt when people tried to convince me that this was too early.

If someone who is very close to you - say, your parents or another close family member - is questioning your age, I'd say you should sit down and have a discussion about it with them. Looking back, I'm pretty sure my family members were worried that I was planning on getting married next week and popping out a couple babies before even finishing school. If you have a frank discussion with them about your future plans and assure them that you ARE going to finish school and have put a lot of thought into the marriage, rather than just saying "oh, hey, we're TOTALLY ready for marriage 'cause we're in looove" it will probably put their minds at ease. Also, listen to any concerns they have - they may have a point or may open your eyes to something you hadn't thought about before.

If anyone else questions you, just smile and say, "BF and I have discussed marriage and this is what we've decided." Really, if the're not close to you, what business is theirs whether you and BF planned to get engaged or not?

Good luck!

sessionswedding · March 2011

I hope it's not too young, because that's me exactly, lol. FI proposed to me a couple months before I turned 22. I turn 23 next month, FI turns 23 on November 14, and our wedding is November 19.

ETA: We haven't really gotten a lot of grief from our families, because they know that we've been together for 3 years and we are serious. We both have jobs, I have already graduated from college (and FI will soon after the wedding), we have savings, we have plans for the future, and we made sure that we didn't try to get married before we were able to support ourselves.

AudgiePodge · March 2011

I married when I was 20. Got divorced 4 years later, so there's that.

jcloud87 · March 2011

Age doesn't matter. The status of your relationship does. Are you ready to be married?

calindi · March 2011

I think jcloud has a point - your age may be judged, but you're both adults and will have each completed college, so you're certainly old enough to make that decision for yourselves and ignore the naysayers. To me, I would have wanted a year or two out of college to adjust to the real world, but that's me. This is your decision, just make sure (as any couple of any age should) that you're prepared to be married and have built a solid foundation for your marriage, not just prepare for a wedding.

thejessy · March 2011

I was engaged at 19 to be married at 21 but we changed. I changed a lot for that matter. But I have two friends who were together all through high school and got married at 20 and they are a really great couple. I don't know if comparing yourself to your parents is always a good idea since it was a different time when they were married, but it really depends on the couple. Other people will criticize you based on their own experiences. Good luck to you!

caitlin.cave · March 2011

I'm in your situation too. BF and I have talked about how we're going to handle all of this. Basically what we came up with was that we need to have open discussions with my parents about their concerns. (his parents already know and we've already talked to them about all of it.) We can probably put most of them to rest with more information (such as telling them that we do in fact plan to wait until we graduate, if not a year or two more, and that we aren't even considering kids for about ten years) but any others we'll take into consideration. Sometimes people who aren't so deep into the relationship can see things that we can't.

For other people, if it's someone important to you whose opinion you value, hear them out. Listen to them too, and if you can help them understand, great. The people you don't really care about, just tell them that you've thought carefully about everything, and you feel it's the best thing for the two of you.

Edited to remove the quote that I didn't end up using.

bethsmiles · March 2011

I'm in a similar situation as you, in that we are the same age and both in school, but I actually have the opposite problem. People always want to know why BF and I aren't engaged yet and don't think we need to wait. But it's not their lives, it's ours. People are always going to have an opinion about what is going on in your life but you can't let those opinions dictate how you live.

With that said, it can always be beneficial to hear why people have the opinions they do. People on the outside can see a lot of things that you don't and people who are older can have some valuable experience to share.

KayGB2012 · March 2011

I'm 21 and engaged. When we get married, I'll be 22 and FI will be a month from turning 26. None of my family has made comments about me being "too young", but every so often I get a comment from a stranger at work. Also, it doesn't help that I look about 15 and still get asked pretty regularly what "grade" I'm in.

I'm not going to say that age doesn't matter, because it does to an extent. But, as jcloud said, the status of your relationship is even more important. Also, your family most likely knows you better than anyone and has a good idea if you're ready for marriage or not. It's common in my family for people to get married between 21-24, right after graduating college, so no one commented on my age when we announced our engagement. FI and I have been talking about marriage for a while and are both completely self-suffient and working towards saving for a home, so my family was excited to hear that FI proposed.

To those few people who have made comments to me about being young, I just laugh it off. I work as an intern in a hospital while I finish nursing school and I've occasionally had patients ask me if I'm "old enough" to be married when they see my ring. I just make a joke about how I'm always confussed for being in high school still but I'm actually about to graduate college. They usually comment that they never would have guessed that I was old enough to be graduating. It sort of deverts the whole marriage conversation in general.

GL!

Hazel_B · March 2011

PPs have excellent points. The age shouldn't be judged.

That being said, I changed a lot since I finished school and I've done a lot with my life that has made me a better person. So, it really depends what you are looking for out of life. If he is the one for you, there is no harm in waiting a little while and seeing what life after college is like.

peekaboo2011 · March 2011

We're kind of there too. I just turned 21, we just got engaged. But FI is 26. We're talking about 2014, which will make me 24 and him 29 (holy cow) when we get married, but I'll have finished my masters and he'll have gotten a job in his field.

I'm going to have to agree with jinx. Your parents grew up in a different time and a different world. If we're going by family history, according to my great grandmother, I should have 8 kids by now and my own farm with a husband and a bunch of cows and sheep and should be knitting every night by the fire.

If you care about the people expressing concerns, ask them why. I often find that the "You're too young" excuse is a bunch of balogne. People will mask what they really think with that one because they don't want to say what they really mean, because they care about you and don't want to see you get hurt.

I also think that you need to enjoy your relationship now. If you're looking at marriage with your BF, that's fine. But 2013 is a long ways off. A lot can happen in 2 years. One of my favorite quotes is "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." It's good to have a timeline, if that's where you are in your relationship, but realize that that timeline is often a sliding one. It's based on what happens, based on money, based on a lot of things. Relax, breathe, and take these people and their criticisms on once you come to that part of your life. Enjoy your relationship. It doesn't matter what they think about you getting married if you're not engaged.

[Deleted User] · March 2011

I'm in the same boat as Beth, everyone is asking us when we are finally going to get engaged. We feel as if we are ready, but don't want to be engaged long distance so we are waiting.

If your relationship is in the right place for an engagement then do not worry about people thinking you are too young, just tell them that your relationship is mature enough to move on to the next step. Make sure you aren't wanting an engagement for wrong reasons, such as just to get a ring, or just to plan pretty princess day. I'm not saying that you are and it seems as if you aren't, but I have had a few friends who said they were ready and were ready for the wrong reasons. These people tend to be the source of the "but you are too young" comments.

Elle1036 · March 2011

I'll admit that I'm sometimes guilty of judging younger couples who get married. When someone under about 23 gets engaged, I tend to sideeye them a little. However, I know that the reason I do this is because, for me, getting engaged at 23 would have been a big mistake. I know projecting my own situation onto others isn't fair, and I'm trying to stop being judgey. Plus, FI and I area only a couple years older than that anyway.

That said, the statistics certainly don't favor getting married younger. Nevertheless, only you and your BF can decide whether you're ready. If you genuinely think that you are, just ignore all the skeptics.

loves2shop4shoes · March 2011

I'm in a similar situation. FI proposed in August, when I was 22. By the time we get married, I'll be 24 and he will be a few weeks shy of 27. FI and I live together and have been financially independent of our parents for YEARS. He works full time and I am a full time law student. But we still got some flack for getting engaged too young. My brother, particularly, wasn't thrilled about it. And my Aunt Rose said, "You sure you don't want to think about it?"

But whatever. Some people get married at 18 and have happy marriages. Others get married in their mid thirties and get divorced. It happens. I think ultimately, what matters is that you're compatible for the long term and that you're both READY for marriage.

I'm aware that I'm young. If I didn't feel ready to get married, I wouldn't. But I'm an adult and I don't need to justify my actions to everyone who is rude enough to make comments about my age.

SeaTea02 · March 2011

I will be 22 and FI 23 when we get married.

I think it is too young for some people but not everyone. It depends on your maturity. If a lot of people think you are too young, it might have something to do with your maturity level, how you come off, or how you interact. I have only had one person tell me I was too young and that is because she got married at my age (but for the wrong reasons -- it was to move out of her parent's house) and is now divorced.

I think early 20s is too early for some people, but I also think late 20s is too early. With the exception of being a minor, I don't think the issue is age, but maturity.

Ember01 · March 2011

I was with a guy from the time I was 17 until I was 25. We got engaged, and I broke things off before the wedding. If I had gotten married at 22 or 23, I would have been divorced by now.

You change soooo much in your 20s. This is the time of your life that you get to actually be an adult and live on your own. I think every person should have to live on their own, with a full-time job, before they move in with someone and get married. You need to be independent.

I am now in my 30s, and I cannot tell you how many of my friends are getting divorced because they married so young. I'll fully admit I give people the side eye when I hear that someone under 24 or 25 get engaged.

The church we are getting married at even told us that they make younger couples go through a TON more premarital counseling because their chances of divorce are so much higher. After the age of 30, we were told, we could skip the counseling if we wanted to.

Klouthain · March 2011

Ya I really agree with everything you guys are saying. I think it totally depends on the couple/maturity and all that. For me the thing I am excited about right now is being with the guy I love. He is my best friend and we are really excited to start our lives together someday soon. We aren't even thinking about kids for at least like 8-9 years, and both want to finish undergrad and go to grad school. Both of my best friends are in completely different places in their lives, and they say they probably won't get married until they are 30 ish. And we are all the same age. So I think it really depends on the person and the situation.
My parents are pretty supportive, as are his. They have watched us grow together and I think they are all pretty confident in our relationship, so our parents aren't the problem. More so it is people that don't know us as a couple. It is just hard dealing with those judgemental looks from people, when I am so happy and confident in what we have decided to do.
Thanks for all the advice!!!

perkins81 · March 2011

You're definitely not too young! Society now-a-days has such a push on getting married later. What for?? If you're in love, you know the person well, and you've taken time to really solidify your relationship and you're both committed to marriage, then you should get married. People used to get married at much younger ages! Like 14 -16!!! A woman in her 20s was already an "old maid" for goodness sakes. The only difference now is that society tells people they aren't mature enough yet, but the truth is, if you are old enough to make you're own decisions, then you are old enough to get married.

So go for it and stand up to those people and assure them that you are an adult (b/c you ARE!!) and that you are quite capable of making your own decisions and being responsible and getting married. Just don't be rude about it, but stand your ground.

AudgiePodge · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1d872c3-fe72-4543-8e0f-aea294047112Post:bd2006c3-9f8a-4396-86bf-76511b6b628c">Re: Too Young???</a>:
[QUOTE]You're definitely not too young! Society now-a-days has such a push on getting married later. What for?? If you're in love, you know the person well, and you've taken time to really solidify your relationship and you're both committed to marriage, then you should get married. People used to get married at much younger ages! Like 14 -16!!! A woman in her 20s was already an "old maid"
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

Life expectancies were also 35-40 years old.

luvdncn90 · March 2011

Age is just a number. I know some people who in their early twenties and are mature enough to handle marriage. I know some 30 year old who have a long ways to go before they're mature enough to handle marriage.

A lot of young people who get married don't really thing about all that goes into a marriage. They're so confident that they're not going to change and that they're going to make it work and they're the exception from the statistics. They're wrong. No one is the exception. Divorce can happen to anyone. It can happen to a young married couple and it can happen to an old married couple.

So many people think that it's just young couples who get divorced. Just because you get married young, doesn't mean you're going to end up divorced in five years. When you enter into a marriage you need to make one hundred percent sure that you are in it through everything. And be realistic, you will change and so will you're partner, it's just about being able to change and grow together as a couple as well as indviduals. Everyone changes throughout their life, not just when they're young. (Yes I know studeis show that you're not done maturing until 25 or whatever). I think a lot of the reason people end up divorced is because they change and they're partners are not willing to accept these changes and all tht good stuff.

ETA: Because apparently I can't type

That's just my 2 cents, so yeah.

nefariousmango · March 2011

I've found that when people close to you voice concerns about your relationship, they go for the cliches rather than the truth. There may be a different reason these people think you're not ready to be married, and it would be worthwhile to hear them out.

Most importantly, I agree with PPs that you should enjoy your relationship where it is now. Being engaged is fun, but unless you're planning a wedding I don't understand the need for a ring. You can be in a very comitted relationship and never even get married. In fact, a marriage, as I understand it, shouldn't really change anything about your relationship! When you get married you should already be comitted to spending your lives together.

We were both 24 when we got married, and we had been together for 5 years. We were out of college and financially independent, and had lived together for almost 3 years. So I don't think 23-24 is too young if your relationship is solid.

musikbx · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e1d872c3-fe72-4543-8e0f-aea294047112Post:c8fd0270-d488-4c8e-9d3c-f8b92e034a4f">Re: Too Young???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too Young??? : Life expectancies were also 35-40 years old.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

Win!

ravenray · March 2011

I am in no place to say that you are too young, I am very young myself. I think that no one on this board can tell you yes you are too young or no you are just fine. People in your life will have better insight. If people are saying, perhaps ask them why they think that. If it is just a shallow judgment then ignore them. If they have valid concerns you should look at your relationship and reconsider. There are a lot of things to consider. GL

GreenPepperBurger · March 2011

I'll be 21 in about a month and a half, and I've been with my BF 4.5 years. I was on a big engagement kick for a while, but I calmed down. I in no way want to get engaged or married for at least three years. I graduate next spring, and BF will hopefully graduate next fall. We need some time to get our careers in order and become more independent before we even think about marriage.

HOWEVER, that is me. You're you. You get engaged/married when you feel it is right for you and your SO. Good luck.

nbcarlson · March 2011

FI and I are getting married this summer and we will both be 21. We are young, but we have also been dating for 5 and a half years. And I mean really dating, not on and off. So whenever I get the "you are so young" comments I just say "we have been together for 5 years so we are very ready to be married". It is annoying but it really is not their business.

motoLyn · March 2011

You guys make me feel old. Thanks. Hahaha age is a number that's true. But if you guys are waiting to graduate then do that first then talk of engagement.

desertsun · March 2011

Statistically speaking, women who marry at younger ages are more likely to get divorced. So it makes sense that people are concerned for you. Try to take this as people caring about you. It probably doesn't have so much to do with your BF or your relationship in particular as it has to do with impersonal statistics.

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is show how mature you are in how you respond in this situation So when people comment about getting married so young, you can respond by saying "I understand where you're coming from. I know the statistics. But is there something about our relationship in particular that concerns you? What kinds of things do you think we might do to better our chances?" And then listen and consider what people have to say with an open mind. You might learn something. Or you might learn nothing useful, but I bet at least that same person will not continue to give you a hard time.

Maturity is reflected in how you interract with people and how you handle conflict. So by directing the conversation in a constructive direction, by listening to what people have to say and being open to learning something that might be helpful, you are demonstrating through your actions just how mature you are. You can talk all day about everything you've been through together and how mature for your ages are, but those are just words. Action and behavior are so much more important.

caitlin.cave · March 2011

Desert, how are you so freakin' wise all the time? If you choose to have kids, you will be the greatest mother on the planet.

People in my generation (our generation) have been raised on fairytales. We see all these movies like Cinderella and 101 Dalmatians where two people just meet each other and everything is perfect; they just know they want to be together, and they're just perfect for each other. We grow up thinking that when we meet that perfect guy, he's just going to "get" us and there will never be fighting or misunderstandings because that guy's gonna know what we need and just do it.

In my opinion, most of the people who get married really young and then divorced are the ones who haven't figured out that that isn't real life. Marriage is a lot of work. Age isn't what decides whether you're ready for all of it though. It depends on whether or not you've established a solid foundation that can handle all that time and effort.

heyimbren · March 2011

Ditto Desert.

But I do want to add my two cents: I don't like the line "age is just a number". Because there is a line there, when age is MORE than a number. If a 16 year old came on here saying she wanted to get married right out of highschool, she'd be told she was too young.

While OP sounds very reasonable about this, I just want to throw that in. So to respond to the OP question, I like Desert's phrasing.

marinarose24 · March 2011

I will be 23 when I get married as well! My FI and I are graduating this May then we are getting married in November. That will leave us with about 6 months to find a job (hopefully) and save up some money and since we don't believe in living together until we are married... we will be at our parents house during that time.

FI's parents were 19 when they got married and had 2 kids by 21. My mom was 23 and my dad was 29 when they got married. Months before I got engaged, but the conversations had started coming up, my mom was a little aprehensive. She thought 23 was too young but my mom also had my brother right away and immeditately became a mother and wife. My parents have a wonderful relationship but they didn't date for very long at all (my brother was an oopsie) and they had to figure out alot of the hard stuff once they were married.

My FI and I on the other hand will have dated a total of 3 years and 10 months by the time we get married. Our engagement was 10 months of that time. I agree with PPs who say that maturity has so much to do with it. My FI and I are much more mature than alot of the 22 year olds that I see. We have had a long enough relationship to discuss the important things that are in marriage ; finances, children, religion, values, etc. We are taking a much more traditional route than our parents as we are waiting to have sex until we are married (so no oopsies for us!) and we are waiting to have children (at least 2-3 years).

That being said. No one gave us much crap about being engaged or getting married. Christians tend to get married younger anyways I have noticed... so alot of people thought we had dated a VERY long time before being engaged and married. I think the timing is just perfect for us. Although it is difficult to wait at times I know the waiting process will make it that much more special!

Although I admit I have a lot to learn about being an "adult". We are fortunate that my parents are paying for the entire wedding and his parents are paying for the entire honeymoon. So all the money we get from the wedding will be going to us to begin our lives together. I haven't been financially on my own yet my dad has basically paid for everything. So it will be quite a change but I am ready to be independent and begin a life with my husband learning and exploring things together!
Some people say that you don't really know yourself in your early 20's but everyone is different and goes through stages of self discovery at differnet times. The timing is indvidual for every couple just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and that you are 100 percent sure and you have discussed the important suff! Don't let anyone pressure you one way or another! Good luck

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