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Wedding Etiquette Forum
kxp004
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Issue with Grandma exploding...literally
Ok... so my FI's Grandmother (GM) and Grandfather (GF) are driving to Dallas, TX from Albuquerque, NM... a really long drive needless to say.... and she is a chain smoker...They are both handicapped - they can't walk very long distances, and they are in their upper 70s
The facility where we are having our ceremony and reception allows people to smoke outside, but there is a REALLY BIG ISSUE...
His GM is like one of 5 (max) people at our wedding who smokes (~100 people coming) BUT SHE IS ON OXYGEN 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is realllllllllllly dangerous for her to be smoking while an oxygen tank is sitting next to her and flowing through a tube into her nose....
I really don't want her to explode at our wedding (or at any time if I can help it) and my mother (who very upset about this) doesn't want to pay for the damages that this would most definately cause.... plus she is my future GM in law!
I don't think my MIL will tell the GM that she can't smoke ahead of time (or at all), so I was thinking about talking to the facility about my concerns and asking the DJ to anounce during cocktail hour that smoking is prohibited on the premises... a small lie, but one I think is beneficial.... IS THIS THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THIS? or do you think I am being unfair by not allowing her to smoke because her health is so poor and she has to travel so far? We would be telling her last minute that she isn't allowed to smoke...
EDIT ADDED: Also, my other concern is that if an explosion were to happen, the other 99 guests would also be at risk for being burned, or even worse dying because we caught the reception hall on fire...
PLEASE POST and fill out the poll !!!!! THANKS!!!!!!
The facility where we are having our ceremony and reception allows people to smoke outside, but there is a REALLY BIG ISSUE...
His GM is like one of 5 (max) people at our wedding who smokes (~100 people coming) BUT SHE IS ON OXYGEN 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is realllllllllllly dangerous for her to be smoking while an oxygen tank is sitting next to her and flowing through a tube into her nose....
I really don't want her to explode at our wedding (or at any time if I can help it) and my mother (who very upset about this) doesn't want to pay for the damages that this would most definately cause.... plus she is my future GM in law!
I don't think my MIL will tell the GM that she can't smoke ahead of time (or at all), so I was thinking about talking to the facility about my concerns and asking the DJ to anounce during cocktail hour that smoking is prohibited on the premises... a small lie, but one I think is beneficial.... IS THIS THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THIS? or do you think I am being unfair by not allowing her to smoke because her health is so poor and she has to travel so far? We would be telling her last minute that she isn't allowed to smoke...
EDIT ADDED: Also, my other concern is that if an explosion were to happen, the other 99 guests would also be at risk for being burned, or even worse dying because we caught the reception hall on fire...
PLEASE POST and fill out the poll !!!!! THANKS!!!!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Issue with Grandma exploding...literally
[QUOTE]Ok... so my FI's Grandmother (GM) and Grandfather (GF) are driving to Dallas, TX from Albuquerque, NM... a really long drive needless to say.... and she is a chain smoker...They are both handicapped - they can't walk very long distances, and they are in their upper 70s The facility where we are having our ceremony and reception allows people to smoke outside, but there is a REALLY BIG ISSUE... His GM is like one of 5 (max) people at our wedding who smokes (~100 people coming) BUT SHE IS ON OXYGEN 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is realllllllllllly dangerous for her to be smoking while an oxygen tank is sitting next to her and flowing through a tube into her nose.... I really don't want her to explode at our wedding (or at any time if I can help it) and my mother (who very upset about this) doesn't want to pay for the damages that this would most definately cause.... plus she is my future GM in law! I don't think my MIL will tell the GM that she can't smoke ahead of time (or at all), so I was thinking about talking to the facility about my concerns and asking the DJ to anounce during cocktail hour that smoking is prohibited on the premises... a small lie, but one I think is beneficial.... IS THIS THE CORRECT WAY TO HANDLE THIS? or do you think I am being unfair by not allowing her to smoke because her health is so poor and she has to travel so far? We would be telling her last minute that she isn't allowed to smoke... PLEASE HELP FAST!!!!! THANKS!!!!!!
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]
I think that at 70+ years old, she's an adult that can make her own decisions.
I also think that your mom is a bitch for being worried about the potential damages to the venue that your potentially exploding grandmother may or may not cause.
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The only thing you can do is tell venue security that you have an oxygen-toting smoker they should be on the lookout for. They can tell her, if she goes out to smoke and gets caught, that it's not permitted to smoke within 10 feet of the oxygen tank. Other than that, nothing you can do.
Also - since this is your FGMIL, why not let your FI and/or his parent(s) talk with her about it?
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
@squirrly
Yes, the doctor has told her to quit smoking 1) because it's bad for your health in general and 2) because it's not safe! .... But she doesn't care...
Good idea about the security though... we do have off duty police officers on cite since there is a bar
I really wish my MIL would talk to GM about it, but we can't even get her to help plan the rehearsal dinner and make sure her invitees RSVP, so I will ask my FI to ask her to handle this, but I HIGHLY DOUBT she will...
You could have security enforce a "no smoking within 10 feet of the buildings" rule that is becoming more common at a lot of venues. That way, in the unlikely event that FGMIL actually explodes, she probably would cause minimal damage to the building. :P
I mean they obviously have the warnings for a reason... Smoking and breathing oxygen results in some very sad endings... There are just tons of things that could go wrong, but then again as others have said she can make her own decisions...
but really if her decision could seriously imact my life in a devastating way, I do have some say so...
If you tell her shes not allowed to smoke, there is a good chance she will do it behind your back, I'd rather know about it so I could have someone keep an eye on her incase she does catch fire.
I see where you're coming from - you're worried about her safety, and the safety of your guests, and you don't want to have the wedding where Grandma blew up.
But honestly - I just can't see this happening.
When I was smoking, if I went somewhere where I fully expected to be able to smoke... then found out that I couldn't, it wasn't cool. If I got a head's up ahead of time, I could at least plan for it.
Married!
[QUOTE]no it doesn't have insurance... actually the besides the dead grandma, the contract says: any overages or damages will be charged to "such and such" person's credit/debit card...
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]
You know, if your main concern is that could maybe be charged to your mom...they invented this wonderful thing. It's called liability insurance. You can purchase it for a few hundred dollars for a wedding.
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If you were actually worried about the entire place going boom, get wedding insurance. The facility might not offer it, but there are third party places to get it from and then you will be covered if your Uncle Bob or who ever decides its a good idea to hang from a chandelier, or if one of your candelabras makes a drapery go up in smoke.
I will say though that your posts sound really insensitive and selfish. You seem more worried about how this will impact your day and your finances rather than your GM! And mentioning this about your MIL as well makes you sound so entitled. Try to act a little more graciously towards your new family.
"I really wish my MIL would talk to GM about it, but we can't even get her to help plan the rehearsal dinner and make sure her invitees RSVP, so I will ask my FI to ask her to handle this, but I HIGHLY DOUBT she will..."
Honestly, this concern is ridiculous to me. I don't care if your grandma is 1 of 5 or 500 at the wedding that smoke, and how you feel about it. She is obviously a grown woman and can do whatever she pleases. You said yourself she knows all the dangers of smoking and of smoking on oxygen, so you or anyone saying anything to her about it is just going to be annoying to her. Honestly, I think its absurd that you are even putting any thought into this. Grandma (or any smoker for that matter) is gonna smoke whether you approve of it or not, and whether you say its "permitted" at the reception or not. If you try and lie and say its not permitted, then they will just walk farther away from the building where they think it is accepted, and take more time away then being in the reception. Grandma's not going to explode, get over it, and move on.
If she routinely smokes at home, she's not at any more risk on your wedding day. Just let it go.
She's not going to light the reception hall on fire if she's smoking outside.
Plus, way to be more worried about venue damage than GMIL.
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[QUOTE]no it doesn't have insurance... actually the besides the dead grandma, the contract says: any overages or damages will be charged to "such and such" person's credit/debit card...
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]
You should get wedding insurance, then, if you're that worried about it.
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This entire issue is up to FI and his mother to handle. Or not.
And if your mother is interested in sticking her nose into your FI's family business, I would suggest that you try to get her to think of other things - instead of buying into her hysteria and posting some long rambling thing on TheKnot. But since you are into the Kool-Aid too, I'd suggest that your mother call FI's mother directly and talk about this issue if she must talk to someone about it. It's inappropriate for your mother to be dumping this on YOU.
With that being said...does your venue have the option to make the whole place non-smoking? My venue had an enclosed area and when we booked the hall, they told us we had the option of making that smoking or non-smoking, although the ballroom was always non-smoking. However, since Michigan has enforced the non-smoking law, that is no longer an option. But maybe you can make the entire event smoke-free?
Thank you jholbel for your suggestions
Yes, I have discussed the issue with the venue, and they suggested that we either move the smoking tables farther away from the reception hall, or make the entire event non smoking...
I was planning on making the entire event non-smoking, but obviously everyone here thinks I'm being a bitch to GM because I don't want her OR anyone else getting hurt... it may sound like I cared more about the venue damages, but someone ASKED if the venue had inurance and the answer I gave which was that "no and the damages would be charged to us" was obviously taken by everyone else here that my FI and I cared more about the venue damages... We're not that insensitive.... seriously
I'm just trying to make sure that EVERYONE is safe... and I'm not trying to make some lifechaning event here where GM miraculously stops smoking for the rest of her life... She's not gonna change, I know that, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal to ask her not to smoke on oxygen at the ceremony/reception which would only be 2-4 hours....
You're freaking out about something that's really unlikely and not your concern.
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[QUOTE]Thank you jholbel for your suggestions :) Yes, I have discussed the issue with the venue, and they suggested that we either move the smoking tables farther away from the reception hall, or make the entire event non smoking... I was planning on making the entire event non-smoking, but obviously everyone here thinks I'm being a bitch to GM because I don't want her OR anyone else getting hurt... it may sound like I cared more about the venue damages, but someone ASKED if the venue had inurance and the answer I gave which was that "no and the damages would be charged to us" was obviously taken by everyone else here that my FI and I cared more about the venue damages... We're not that insensitive.... seriously I'm just trying to make sure that EVERYONE is safe... and I'm not trying to make some lifechaning event here where GM miraculously stops smoking for the rest of her life... She's not gonna change, I know that, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal to ask her not to smoke on oxygen at the ceremony/reception which would only be 2-4 hours....
Posted by kxp004[/QUOTE]
Just make the whole event non-smoking. Although I may be biased because I hate smoking in general and I love that Michigan is now non-smoking everywhere (except casions). I would want it to be non-smoking even if there wasn't the issue with grandma.
Although realize that you can't control your grandma smoking in general. If she wants to smoke, she'll go outside. But don't expect her to just stop smoking altogether. I'm guessing this has been a habit for decades and you can't get her to quit just like that.
I don't necessarily believe your a bitch to you GM or GMIL (not sure which it is), but there should be an area she can smoke in (and other smokers). Either outside or whatever..a designated place for her to smoke. It's doubtful that she'll burn down the venue.