nervous about bridesmaids (LONG)

anglgrl718 · August 2010

I've been dwelling on this for about two weeks and still haven't decided what to do so it's time for some help.

I got engaged almost 2 years ago I asked my sister to be MOH and 3 friends to be BM's. My fiance and I broke off our engagement 7 months later. We got back together 3 months later and engaged again 8 months after that. That being said my story begins.

One of my friends began asking my immediately after becoming engaged if I was going to ask her to stand up with me. I had no idea who I was going to ask at the time with the exception of my sister. I thought about it and, even though i'm not terribly close with her, asked her to be a BM. But then my fiance and I broke up. It's been over a year since the break up now and I'm planning again. Of course she is talking about being in my wedding. I kind of thought of this as a new start since i'm starting everything else over again and had a different plan in mind as to who I was going to ask to stand up with me.

My reasoning behind wanting to ask different people is because the girls, besides my sister, I asked before are not people I talk to much anymore. I lot has changed in a year and all 3 of the other girls and I rarely talk anymore much less hang out. I decided that I want to have 2 cousins and a family friend I've known since I was 5 stand up with me since I know they will alway be there and my friends maybe will not.

I guess my question is how do I deal when she asks me if she's still standing with me (and yes, she is bold enough to do so), or how do I approach her to let her know my decision? I'm planning on asking the other ladies this Saturday because they'll all be at the same place (a birthday party for my sister). Unfortunately she'll be there too, i'm hoping she'll go home early so she won't have to be there when I ask, even if I do let her know my decision I don't want her to feel bad. I just feel bad because we are definitely not close anymore, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

mbcdefg · August 2010

When's your wedding? Do you have a date set in stone yet (meaning, a ceremony and a reception site booked and deposits made)? If not, or if that set-in-stone date is more than 10 months away, wait a while and think of this some more.

If you don't ask the original BMs, be prepared for them to be upset about it, and maybe not want to be friends anymore. Are you O.K. with that?

anglgrl718 · August 2010

My wedding is set in stone, it's going to be 10 and a 1/2 months from now.

And, I don't think the reason my fiance and I broke up has anything to do with my questions...I could be wrong. The only reason I even said anything about it was so that people knew this wasn't happening because of an extended engagement and I jumped the gun on asking people to stand up with me. I was supposed to be married this summer but because of the break up and re-engagement we are getting married next summer.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

I only asked because I thought it might be relevant to why you aren't as close with your friends anymore. Certainly you don't have to share anything you don't want to, and I won't ask you to do so. I guess I just thought there might be a connection between breaking up/reconciling with your FI and no longer being close with your friends. It of course could be a coincidence/time of your life when friendships change a lot, like right after college (i.e. some brides want every sorority sister in their wedding when they're in college, and a year later they still only keep in touch with a handful of them). I also thought it might be relevant as to whether this is essentially an extended engagement (like you broke up for a week or relatively short period of time, in which case it would be like kicking them out to not ask them), or whether you truly broke up, spent time apart, and then reconciled (in which case you really are starting from scratch).

If you aren't really friends anymore, then no, you don't have to ask them. But be absolutely sure that these friendships have run their course before you do so. Some people will be cool with it, others won't.

anglgrl718 · August 2010

I didn't mean to be rude, the break up and all that have nothing to do with why we aren't close anymore. We are still friends but just not that close. We rarely see each other and never talk on the phone, if we do talk it's through texts basically a "can you hang out next weekend", "sorry I have plans." kinda thing.

My fiance and I broke up for 3 months, I moved in with my parents for that time. I gave the ring back to him. We decided after 3 months that we wanted to work things out and worked at it until this April when he asked me again to marry him. Things are so much better with us that I wish the wedding could be tomorrow!

I feel bad about the situation but now that I am so happy about being with the man that I love I want to remember the people who are standing with me the day we get married. I'm afraid that if I keep the ladies I originally picked that I'll look back on my pictures and not know who the people are. (This actually happened to my mom, when I got engaged we pulled out her wedding album and she couldn't tell my who a couple of her BM's were!)

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Congrats on you and your FI for working things out. I wish you the best of luck

That's really tricky. Yes, it's not basically one long engagement (it sounds like there was almost a year between them), but at the same time your friends may feel slighted if you announce you're back together but aren't including them, or if they find out from a third party.

I would maybe wait awhile before asking anyone and take a stab at restoring the friendships. If it doesn't work, and the friendships really have petered out, I don't think you're under any obligation to ask them. But again, wait awhile to ask. You've definitely got time--you could easily wait until October or November to ask people and still have plenty of time to get dresses, etc.

frenchy730 · August 2010

I would keep my mouth shut about wedding plans around these people, and make your decisions when it is around the time where you will need to start looking for bridesmaids dresses. I'd say between 6-8 months before your wedding is PLENTY of time to give your girls notice, find dresses, etc. Who knows what will happen in the next few months you may be close to some others while not close with those you are close with now.

I don't think you're under any obligation to ask the people you had asked before. Just tell them that you and fiance went through a lot over the last year, and your wedding plans evolved the second time around, and you've decided to have mostly family stand up with you. They may not be happy, so be prepared for that.

blackfire5th · August 2010

I feel like you are using the breakup as an excuse to ask new bm. Yes a lot changed in the last year, but a lot probably would have changed with your friends regardless of the breakup.

I'd say you are basically trying to kick her out of the WP since it is basically the same engagement. So, do you want to remain friends with her after this or not?

Shaypay · August 2010

my best friend went through the same thing a while back. and got married in march. She did change bridesmaids. and I was kicked out of the wedding party, kinda. I was allowed to waer the same outfit, but she refused any sort of help from me. (her FI was jealous cause we had been friends so long) Anyways, she and i went from being really close to casual friends. it really makes me sad.

When I got engaged this time being a 2nd wedding i just chose my sister to be my MOH. and a lot of friends were hurt that i didnt choose them. But i explained that i wanted a little less parade this time and they are fine with it now.

So really you cant make everyone happy all the time. just be mindful of feelings.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

I have a similar issue with one of my bridesmaids (completely grown apart, etc.).

My theory is that the WP is NOT the reason you remain friends with someone. If people literally DO NOT talk to you anymore and do not WANT to talk to you anymore, then I'd say the "friendship has run its course" as a PP said and having them in the wedding would be more awkward than anything since your lives have clearly grown apart. I don't want to force my former friend to be my bestie just because of the wedding. I want her to want to be my friend just to be my friend. Since we are no longer friends anymore (not from animosity, just from drifting) I think it's best to just leave "wedding" out of it. I've got awhile before my wedding so if things start to revive themselves, I'll broach the subject again later.

That being said, if you DO still talk to these girls, but only casually, you will most likely put the final nail in the coffin by kicking them out. If you are okay with that, then do as you must. But that will most likely be the result and you need to be aware and come to terms with that first.

I think waiting a little longer to see how things play out is your best strategem right now.

Lisa8888 · August 2010

I hope these former BMs didn't purchase the dress or incur any other expenses. You can do whatever you want but I would think some of these former BMs will be offended and hurt.

If you are confident in your decision, you shouldn't have any problems getting up the nerve to tell them.

emjsutter · August 2010

I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding nearly a month ago. There was one bridesmaid who hardly talked to my cousin anymore. She made absolutely no effort in being a bridesmaid, she didn't particiapate in any of the prewedding stuff, and she acted as if she was bored the whole time. Her behavior was horrible and really pissed the rest of us off. My cousin actually said she would probably never talk to the girl again after the wedding.

Yet, your friend might not be this type of person. Perhaps talk to her before you tell the other girls. Let her know that you feel that the two of you have grown apart. Perhaps she regrets this. Let her know what you want in a bridesmaid. If she is willing to work to maintain your friendship, then she should be a bridesmaid since you asked before. Friendships do go both ways, and you are just as responsible for the growing apart.

nervous about bridesmaids (LONG)

Re: nervous about bridesmaids (LONG)

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