Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance

ttt222 · February 2012

I am in desperate need of advice. My wedding is only a couple months away, and I love my fiance very much, but I recently met another guy and we totally hit it off. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about him. I used to be obsessed with wedding planning, and now I can't motivate myself to do anything wedding related. The other guy is married, but has major marital problems and is as crazy about me as I am about him. It's only been a few weeks since this started and we both have tried to end it already, but can't. I don't know what to do. I do love my fiance, but lately all I can do is think about this other guy. I think I would have an ok life with my fiance, but I think me and the other guy could actually be even more amazing together. We both think so. There was like an instant connection. I know I am the bad guy in this situation, which is part of the reason I can't really ask anyone for advice. But please, realize that I am totally torn apart about this, so I really appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

redheadfsu · February 2012

Postpone or break up. But at the very least postpone.

Divorce is much worse than postponing. If you get married just for "ok" you will get divorced. Maybe not in a year, but you will get divorced.

jennipea382 · February 2012

I think you're experiencing infatuation, not love, for this new guy. I assume you've been with your FI a while. You know him well. You don't know this new guy at all. You don't know the little things he does that annoy you or what kinds of habits he has like you do with your FI.

That being said though, there has to be a reason that you're so attracted to this other man. I've been with my FI for over 3 years and I've never even considered being with anyone else. I've of course thought other men were attractive, but that's it. It's normal to think someone's good looking or something, but not to have this kind of a relationship.

Are there any problems with your FI that need to be addressed?

redheadfsu · February 2012

jennipea makes good points.

I have been with my husband for 7 1/2 years (we dated for a long time). While I think guys are cute and might even daydream for a second, I have never had a serious thought about another man. If I did I would leave, because something would be wrong with my relationship with my husband.

NcsuPsych · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:ad70a67b-b67a-4bd2-be6f-ce2229c21d6e">Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in desperate need of advice. My wedding is only a couple months away, and I love my fiance very much, but I recently met another guy and we totally hit it off. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about him. I used to be obsessed with wedding planning, and now I can't motivate myself to do anything wedding related. The other guy is married, but has major marital problems and is as crazy about me as I am about him. It's only been a few weeks since this started and we both have tried to end it already, but can't. I don't know what to do. I do love my fiance, but lately all I can do is think about this other guy. I think I would have an ok life with my fiance, but I think me and the other guy could actually be even more amazing together. We both think so. There was like an instant connection. I know I am the bad guy in this situation, which is part of the reason I can't really ask anyone for advice. But please, realize that I am totally torn apart about this, so I really appreciate any advice anyone can give me.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

Yeah, you need to put a hold on your wedding and either talk to your FI about what's going on or leave.

The fact that you said you would have an 'ok' life with your FI is a huge red flag to me. You're not happy. Why you're not happy. . .I don't know. Perhaps you're having that moment where you're like 'Oh $hit! I'm going to be with this one guy for the rest of my life!' or perhaps you're just not happy in general with the relationship but feel stuck because you're engaged. Either way, you should step back and evaluate what's going on because no one here can tell you why you're doing it.

I would also leave the other guy alone. You have no idea what his marriage is like and it's not your place either. Many many many men that cheat and are married pull that same line (I love you and will leave my wife for you). However, why on earth would you want to start a relationship in that way? If he cheats on her with you, what's to say he wont do it to you. People deserve better than that.

I'd also recommend possibly going to talk to someone about this. Going to a counselor or therapist isn't a bad thing and they can in fact, help you out a lot in ways you don't instantly realize. There could be underlying issues here that you're not aware of and they can help bring those to surface.

Overall, I'd HIGHLY suggest stopping this pending marriage. Please don't cheat on your FI. He deserves better than that and you'll respect yourself more if you don't do it while still engaged. You'll also respect yourself more if you aren't 'the other woman'.

cwaggoner07 · February 2012

I think a part of the problem is that life is serious, and probably somewhat stressful and/or boring with your fiance right now. Because real life is stressful, and planning a wedding is stressful, and it's not all high points. That being said, you don't have the stress of planning a wedding, or the monotony of a day-to-day relationship with the other guy. It's all fun and excitement (remember the first few months with your fiance???)
I am not putting down being married at ALL (duh, 5 months from today), but it's easy to see the sparkle of a new relationship when you don't have the realities of life in your face.
I don't think you're a bad person... I don't, because you cannot help your feelings. I think if you end up marrying your fiance you will be a very bad person for dragging an innocent party into your delusion.

achiduck · February 2012

I went through this with my exFI which is why he's the ex. I never EVER thought I would be the girl who cheated but I was not happy and it ended up being a lot easier to do than I thought.

You need to come clean to your FI and have a serious come to Jesus talk. You need to be more than "just ok" with your life.

While I do believe it's normal to think other men are attractive or even have a small crush on them, fantasizing about them and acting on those feelings is not.

NcsuPsych · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:0b24603c-b85f-4edd-9dec-ffb4cdcb9e20">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]I went through this with my exFI which is why he's the ex. I never EVER thought I would be the girl who cheated but I was not happy and it ended up being a lot easier to do than I thought. You need to come clean to your FI and have a serious come to Jesus talk. <strong>You need to be more than "just ok" with your life. </strong> While I do believe it's normal to think other men are attractive or even have a small crush on them, fantasizing about them and acting on those feelings is not.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

Agreed. OP, you should be more than 'OK'. You should be excited and happy. Don't settle. Don't cheat, but please don't settle. You'll be hurting your FI a lot, but you'll be hurting yourself even more.

ChristineNB · February 2012

I think the very first thing you do should be to talk to your fiance, openly and honestly. Let me know how you have been feeling, let him know nothing physical has happened yet (I'm assuming this is true). The sooner you can be open and honest with your finace the better, and hopefully your fiance will be able to work with you through this.

sparent2010 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:795bb54a-4a3b-4998-aa96-a6efa5212b7d">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Postpone or break up. But at the very least postpone.</strong> Divorce is much worse than postponing. If you get married just for "ok" you will get divorced. Maybe not in a year, but you will get divorced.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>Nods* You need to take time to figure out what you are doing and you need to end the relationship with the other guy as well. </div>

ShakeUpTampa · February 2012

I call MUD per the join date. Just an FYI: IF a man is married or engaged and says he wants to leave. What makes you think you are SO MUCH MORE valuable than that woman for him not to do the same to you?

renjon7798 · February 2012

I agree with Tampa...I call MUD.

jennipea382 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:cf507c2f-0cd4-4ca9-a0dd-e700d5b0a4ba">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]I call MUD per the join date. Just an FYI: IF a man is married or engaged and says he wants to leave. <strong>What makes you think you are SO MUCH MORE valuable than that woman for him not to do the same to you?</strong>
Posted by ShakeUpTampa[/QUOTE]

<div>This 100%. I do believe people can change, but 99% of the time he's going to end up doing the same thing again.</div>

ttt222 · February 2012

Everyone, thank you so much for your advice and for not being mean. I really do feel just sick about this and really like that I'm getting such great advice. I never thought I would be one to cheat. It totally surprised be when it happened, but now I feel like I'm in so deep. Its both physical and emotional. When I say things are just ok with me and my fiance, its because I just don't get as excited by him. He's really bad at compliments and making me feel good about myself, and while we've talked about this stuff, it never really gets any better. Other than that we have so much in common, and he's really a sweet guy.

CAB1217 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:2c0529c9-65a0-4d77-aab4-f44313c8ff8a">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone, thank you so much for your advice and for not being mean. I really do feel just sick about this and really like that I'm getting such great advice. I never thought I would be one to cheat. It totally surprised be when it happened, but now I feel like I'm in so deep. Its both physical and emotional. When I say things are just ok with me and my fiance, its because I just don't get as excited by him<strong>. He's really bad at compliments and making me feel good about myself, and while we've talked about this stuff, it never really gets any better.</strong> Other than that we have so much in common, and he's really a sweet guy.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]
At some point in every relationship, complements and sweet talking fades away. You seem to be into the attention this other man is giving you, but what else can he TRULY offer you in the long run? Has he separated from his wife? Does he even plan on getting a divorce? Does he want to marry you? You're not married yet, but since he is, his deceit towards his wife is way worse than yours. Marriage means nothing to this man, period. Don't get yourself stuck with someone that's going to do the same to you.

I wish the best for you, I can understand where you are coming from, and sympathize.

sonya+adam · February 2012

I agree with PPs, you need to end one or both relationships. At the very least, postpone your wedding. You need to be completely honest with your FI, and be ready for the fact that he may not want to marry you anymore.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:2e6ea074-009d-49e7-8b8a-92a2dddd15b9">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance : This 100%. I do believe people can change, but 99% of the time he's going to end up doing the same thing again.
Posted by jennipea382[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this. Although, the same thing can be said about the OP.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

Tell you FI immediatly! You owe that to him!! You should let HIM decide what he wants to do. As far as the other guy goes, if he is cheating on his wife, why do you think you'll be any different? Guys say lots of things to get with woman, sad but true. It is easy to say they are going to leave their wife but seldomly done.

Seriously though you must tell him what you have done no matter if you want to move forward with your fling or not.

You may be just going through the hrass is always greener thing but that does not justify it!

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

Break up with both of them. Get counseling to figure out how/why you would do this to someone you supposedly love.

Oh, and Mr. Married Man is a POS - I guarantee you his wife is a perfectly lovely woman and he is lying his face off to get into bed with you. (And look! It worked! And now you're a cheater too! What awesome people you both are!)

RamonaFlowers · February 2012

Talk to your FI about this. Immediately.

And men who cheat on their wives instead of having the common decency to nut up and break things off with them aren't "men" at all. They're scum.

cwaggoner07 · February 2012

Pretty much everything that has been said is true but please please please just do not get married to your FI. It doesn't mean you can't work something out in the long run. If you want to be with a married man while single, you're at least removing one innocent party from the equation.

Thanks for being so candid and asking for advice, but this many people simply cannot be wrong. My immediate advice is to break up the engagement, and definitely end things with the married man. If you truly are meant to be with him, he will respect you so much that YOU respected the sanctity of marriage.

kbsmom1 · February 2012

if he'll cheat with you ...he'll cheat on you

NcsuPsych · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:bef00c7b-5bf2-469f-a116-ce52b764cfde">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to your FI about this. Immediately.<strong> And men who cheat on their wives instead of having the common decency to nut up and break things off with them aren't "men" at all. They're scum.</strong>
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

Yup. Amen. Men that cheat while they're married aren't sweet or nice or amazing. They're slim and have no respect. None for their wive/family nor for the person they're cheating with.

zitiqueen · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:2b11855a-ede1-49d1-8dfc-07331218c706">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and Mr. Married Man is a POS - I guarantee you his wife is a perfectly lovely woman and he is lying his face off to get into bed with you. (And look! It worked! And now you're a cheater too! What awesome people you both are!)
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

This. I think you both deserve each other.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:2c0529c9-65a0-4d77-aab4-f44313c8ff8a">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone, thank you so much for your advice and for not being mean. I really do feel just sick about this and really like that I'm getting such great advice. I never thought I would be one to cheat. It totally surprised be when it happened, but now I feel like I'm in so deep. Its both physical and emotional. When I say things are just ok with me and my fiance, its because I just don't get as excited by him. <strong>He's really bad at compliments and making me feel good about myself</strong>, and while we've talked about this stuff, it never really gets any better. Other than that we have so much in common, and he's really a sweet guy.
Posted by ttt222[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this is your problem. You are relying on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. When you don't get it from your FI, you look for it somewhere else. You shouldn't have to seek validation from other people to feel good about yourself. You should feel good about yourself on your own. It sounds like a self esteem issue. </div><div>
</div><div>In any event, you owe it to your FI to come clean about what has been going on. Since it is physical, you have also put his health at risk, and he needs the opportunity to be tested. From there, the two of you should talk and figure out where to go from here. </div>

jeffsgirl100612 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:2b11855a-ede1-49d1-8dfc-07331218c706">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]Break up with both of them. Get counseling to figure out how/why you would do this to someone you supposedly love. Oh, and Mr. Married Man is a POS <strong><font color="#ff0000">- I guarantee you his wife is a perfectly lovely woman and he is lying his face off to get into bed with you. (And look! It worked! And now you're a cheater too! What awesome people you both are!)
</font></strong>Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Amen! I was stupid when I was younger and dated a married man for 8 years the whole time believing that he was going to divorce her and marry me.. I wasted my life on this POS! You need to RUN far away from Mr. Married and try to make ammends with your FI, but you HAVE to tell him what you have done and let him decide he deserves that chance. Get some counselling and figure out what you <strong><em>really</em></strong> want in your life. An OK marriage isnt a happy marriage... if you arent going to be happy dont do it!

rlavach · February 2012

He isn't going to change, OP. At one point, I 'dated' a man who was separated from his wife, but 'engaged' to another woman. I say 'engaged' because I don't really know how you can be engaged if you haven't gotten a divorce yet, but that's his problem. He continued to see me. It was a big hot mess. When she was there, he'd ignore me. When she wasn't there, I was his girl. Everyone, including the fiance knew. I finally realized that I was done being 'the other woman of the other woman,' so I just disappeared out of his life. They never change.

HobokensFury · February 2012

Ditto PP. I call MUD.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

I think you and the scummy married guy deserve each other, and like PP said, it won't last because if he'll cheat with you, then it's almost guaranteed he'll cheat on you. I say break it off with your FI and let him find someone who doesn't cheat on him. He deserves better.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

It sounds like you are in a very sticky situation.. I agree about postponing. I also recommend seeing a counselor by yourself and with your FI if you want to still try and figure things out.

Dump the married dude. He's bad news. Who cares how shiittty his marriage? All he's proving is that he doesn't know how to hold onto his wedding vows.. and what makes you think he'd hold them even more to you if you hit it off?

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:5e6029ce-0c28-481d-a276-ae5891506b9a">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you are in a very <strong>sticky situation</strong>.. I agree about postponing. I also recommend seeing a counselor by yourself and with your FI if you want to still try and figure things out. Dump the married dude. He's bad news. Who cares how shiittty his marriage? All he's proving is that he doesn't know how to hold onto his wedding vows.. and what makes you think he'd hold them even more to you if you hit it off?
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

I hate the words "sticky situation" with a passion. She hasn't wandered into a glue factory, she's f*cking a married dude behind her fiance's back. /endrant.

That said, your advice here is 100% correct and otherwise well-said and I completely agree with you.

TiffannieF · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_desperate-for-advice-cheating-on-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0b43c2ed-4090-42d2-9803-512fa98c4007Post:5399cac9-5533-460f-a9da-403538666c9e">Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Desperate for advice - cheating on fiance : I think this is your problem. <strong>You are relying on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. When you don't get it from your FI, you look for it somewhere else. You shouldn't have to seek validation from other people to feel good about yourself. You should feel good about yourself on your own. It sounds like a self esteem issue.</strong>

In any event, you owe it to your FI to come clean about what has been going on. Since it is physical, you have also put his health at risk, and he needs the opportunity to be tested. From there, the two of you should talk and figure out where to go from here.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

ALL of this...especially the bolded part. My exSIL cheated on my brother after one and a half years of marriage...mainly because he wasn't giving her the attention she wanted. Which I thought was shocking because was always talking about how amazing she was. It has come apparent after learning her past that she has some serious self esteem issues and will continue this destructive behavior.

I respect you, OP for coming out about this. Do yourself some more respect, post pone the wedding and seek counseling (personally and for the two of you).

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