Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
The Twins
Am I the only one who lives in a wedding etiquette vacuum??
I have never really thought about wedding etiquette. I get an invite, I show up, give a gift, enjoy the night, go home. I very recently became engaged and started frequenting forums and was really surprised by some of the faux pas.
For example, where I live, open bars are a bonus, a big bonus. In fact, I have only ever been to one wedding with an open bar. And I have been to a lot of weddings. I have never been to a dry wedding. Here, reception = cash bar. Since I learned this, I have asked a number of people my age, all who have never heard of this idea that a cash bar is rude (haven't had a chance to ask my mom).
The other glaring one - tiered receptions. Just yesterday, i was reading a thread on tiered receptions. Also yesterday, I had a discussion with a co-worker about her exploding guest list. Her solution was to order reception cards, inviting people to the wedding and reception, not the supper. I never would have thought twice about that. It had never occured to me it was rude. I just always thought the reception is the fun part, and it is expensive to feed everyone so I was ok skipping the dinner (typically the dinner would be over and cleaned up before the time of the start of the reception on the other invite) I have been invited to the wedding/reception only before. I came home and asked FI about it, he also said it was pretty common and accepted.
Now, after reading here, I get why they are considered rude. I had just never thought of it that way. I am not arguing they aren't. I was just kind of surprised since these are very common where I am and generally accepted. Am I the only one where these things are common?
*edited to correct spelling*
For example, where I live, open bars are a bonus, a big bonus. In fact, I have only ever been to one wedding with an open bar. And I have been to a lot of weddings. I have never been to a dry wedding. Here, reception = cash bar. Since I learned this, I have asked a number of people my age, all who have never heard of this idea that a cash bar is rude (haven't had a chance to ask my mom).
The other glaring one - tiered receptions. Just yesterday, i was reading a thread on tiered receptions. Also yesterday, I had a discussion with a co-worker about her exploding guest list. Her solution was to order reception cards, inviting people to the wedding and reception, not the supper. I never would have thought twice about that. It had never occured to me it was rude. I just always thought the reception is the fun part, and it is expensive to feed everyone so I was ok skipping the dinner (typically the dinner would be over and cleaned up before the time of the start of the reception on the other invite) I have been invited to the wedding/reception only before. I came home and asked FI about it, he also said it was pretty common and accepted.
Now, after reading here, I get why they are considered rude. I had just never thought of it that way. I am not arguing they aren't. I was just kind of surprised since these are very common where I am and generally accepted. Am I the only one where these things are common?
*edited to correct spelling*
The Twins
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I the only one who lives in a wedding etiquette vacuum??
Married Bio
My Chart
I don't see a lot of dry weddings, but my niece is having one in the Fall. Her mom doesn't see that as being in their budget.
My stepdaughter had a tiered reception - she had cake and punch after the ceremony for the people she couldn't afford to have attend the dinner (I had no input on planning that shindig). There were plenty of offended people .......
[QUOTE]I spent a lot of time in Memphis TN. I attended a private school (on scholarship)where I was concious that my parents moved in different circles than most of the other students, who mostly came from old southern aristocracy. Don't misunderstand me. The other students were perfectly friendly and nice to me. Only one girl picked on me, and she was "not invited back" the next year for that reason (among others). I tried to fit in, as any teenager would. I learned my etiquette by heart, attended many debutante teas, dancing class, deportment class (No balls, though.), and was always afraid of doing something that was not proper according to the school headmistress. (We were all scared of HER!) I loved going to that school. It became a part of me. As an adult, I have given them back funds in gratitude for the opportunity given to me. <strong>So I have a hard time understanding the brides who say that they don't care about etiquette. I know many brides DO care, and I hope that I am able to help some. Rules have changed, but etiquette still matters</strong>.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
I don't even think that here it is a matter of not caring about etiquette, its that many aren't even aware. Had i not joined the forum, I would not have known.
My co-worker has no idea that she is being rude by sending reception invites instead of making other sacrafices.
I know its not an excuse, it is still rude whether you realize it or not. I am just surprised how widespread it is where I am.
*note * I do realize I spelled etiquette wrong, sorry.
The Twins
[QUOTE]I think there is some regional aspect to some of this. But personally, I've never seen a cash bar or a tiered reception. I've mostly lived in Colorado, but have also attended weddings in Oregon, one in Chicago, and<strong> one in Wisconsin (the only wedding with a gap I ever went to).</strong>
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]
<div>That is funny! I'm from Michigan and I have NEVER been to a wedding with any less than a 2 hour gap! :P </div>
[QUOTE]I attended nine weddings in the past twelve months, and seven of them were at least partially cash bar. And I side-eyed six of them. The seventh wedding was an extraordinarily low-budget and low-key affair. They offered hosted beer and wine during cocktail hour and dinner, and then moved to a full cash bar after dinner. I didn't side-eye that because they did offer drinks for the majority of the event, I knew that they paid for the whole event themselves, and that they did the absolute best they could within their budget to host properly -- cut their guest list to give those of us that could attend a nice experience; the bride bought a $99 Davids Bridal dress, the groom wore a suit he already had, they made tissue paper flowers instead of real, etc. The other six that were cash bar, the bride was in a $5k+ dress, they had all boasted about the cost of their florals (in the $4k range), they did favors, had a lot of unnecessary extras, etc. Personally, I think that they could have forgone a little bit of the other things to make sure their guests didn't open their wallets to drink. None of these events hosted anything but water<strong>...you even had to pay for non-alcoholic drinks.</strong> As for other ettiquitte faux pas I see often, just because most of the people I know put registry information on their invites, or invite people to pre-wedding events that aren't invited to the wedding, etc., I don't think it's "OK because it happens all the time within my circle of friends." I sound judgy here and I probably am. I have a really, really hard time understanding why people wouldn't want to be polite to their guests and host properly. In any setting, not just a wedding.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]
That's pretty low, IMHO. I'd be beyond annoyed if I traveled, got all dressed up, brought a gift and had to pay for beverages. Non-alcoholic drinks are <em>essential.</em>
[QUOTE]I don't think cash bars (or dry weddings) are rude at all, alcohol gets damn expensive and if you have a cash bar you are a *little* less likely to have people get belligerently drunk. I DO feel that tiered weddings are quite rude, it's like saying "you weren't good enough to see me get married, so here's a pity invite to the reception". That may just be me though
Posted by shelby_louis_2011[/QUOTE]
1) They are rude. you shouldn't ask your guests to open their wallets for an event YOU are hosting. Some people don't side eye cash bars because they'd rather have some alcohol than no alcohol. I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar.
2) Most of the time it's advocated here to host what you can afford so it doesn't over your budget. If that means beer and wine only, then that's what it is. Finding ways to host your guests properly within your budget can be done. Sometimes you have to think outside the box.
3) It doesn't matter if it's hosted or cash. If someone is going to get belligerent they will.
I've been to 1 open bar wedding my whole life. It was top shelf and cost $15,000 for booze alone. I have yet to go to a wedding that doesn't have a substantial gap. Most weddings I have been to have a tiered guest list (inviting people to the dance is common up here) and registry info is almost always in the invite. a/b lists are super common. My friends think I'm nuts because I don't like head tables.
Lets just say that I'm glad I came onto TK before planning my own!
Fatty Blog
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I the only one who lives in a wedding ettiquette vacuum?? : And I'm from Michigan as well...but I've never been to a wedding with a gap.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]
I'm also from Michigan and only been to weddings with gaps my whole life until I started going to my friends wedding.
I think the gap comes from Catholic (maybe Christian too I'm not sure) ceremonies. It's tough to get a late time at a Catholic church because of Saturday mass so the ceremony is earlier in the day then the reception is at night because, well, catholics like to drink! :) At least that's what I've seen with Catholic weddings around here.
[QUOTE]I personally don't get why you would invite someone to the reception and not the ceremony. Ceremony doesn't generally cost more the more guests you have .............. right?? Anyway. I've been to one reception where there was a cash bar, and I was definitey a bit shocked. I posted the other day that I didn't think it should be expected you have a bar, but another knottie told me it would be like inviting people over for dinner and telling them to bring their own drinks or making them pay. RUDE. If you can't afford a bar for 100ppl, invite 50ppl instead or wait until you can afford a 100ppl wedding. I didn't want to wait, so we cut our guest list and can now afford to pay for a nice dinner with unlimited drinks.
Posted by janinekk[/QUOTE]
They do actually invite people to the ceremony. It is the supper they are left out of.
Here gaps in the wedding are pretty typical. It usually goes wedding, two hours gap (we usually go to a nearby friend's house), supper, sometimes a gap, others go right into the reception.
So the reception card would invite someone to the wedding at 4pm, reception to follow at xxx location at 9pm. Skipping the invite to dinner at 6 or 7pm.
The Twins
planning
Cash bars are not super common here, when there is one it's a nice treat but by no means ever expected. MA has some strict "hosting" laws when it comes to drinking and driving. No one wants to be responsible for anone leaving a wedding with an open bar and driving home and getting in an accident, The host can be held responsible here.
I have chosen to have an open cocktail hour (and I have gotten lots of comments about doing that, how it is not a good idea, no one expects that etc.), and wine on the tables. I figured if anyone drinks a lot during the cocktail hour they another 4 hours to eat and dance it off before leaving.
I had never heard of a tiered reception until I read this post...not common here at all. I think it all depends on culture, I'm Italian and my mother is insiting on a dessert table even though we have cake. She thinks it is rude to not offer an array of desserts...go figure.
[QUOTE]I personally don't get why you would invite someone to the reception and not the ceremony. Ceremony doesn't generally cost more the more guests you have .............. right?? Anyway. I've been to one reception where there was a cash bar, and I was definitey a bit shocked. I posted the other day that I didn't think it should be expected you have a bar, but another knottie told me it would be like inviting people over for dinner and telling them to bring their own drinks or making them pay. RUDE. If you can't afford a bar for 100ppl, invite 50ppl instead or wait until you can afford a 100ppl wedding. I didn't want to wait, so we cut our guest list and can now afford to pay for a nice dinner with unlimited drinks.
Posted by janinekk[/QUOTE]
Your friends and family are attending your wedding, not Emily Post or Miss Manners.
If within your social circle it is not considered rude to have a cash bar or tiered reception then do it. Think about your guests and their expectations for a wedding.
If Emily Post or a bunch or stuffy socailites are on your guestlist then you should make sure it is an open bar though.
RSVP June 12, 2011
I mean, I'm not going to say that a cash bar ISN'T rude, but it will definitely get a different reaction and people will find it much more acceptable if it's common around you.
40/112
Of course I can have one because I'm not getting married in a church.
Cash bars are extremely common, the only hosted bar weddings I've attended were $25K+ events where the parents paid for 100% of the wedding (and that's only been 2 weddings in my entire life). I still don't see a problem with them though as long as you've proportionally spent your money (ie you aren't in a $10K dress with $7K in flowers and then a cash bar....)
Also, I've ALWAYS seen people include registry information in the invites. Every.single.one. and I'm not even exaggerating about that. I never thought twice about it, i just thought that was how you did it. We won't be on ours, but I did put it on our website and put the website on the invites because with people being so accustomed to getting registry info in the invite, I really don't think they would know to just look it up themselves.
I've also never been to a wedding without a dollar dance. It never once occurred to me that it would be rude because I thought that was a part of every wedding. I still don't see the problem with them, but I'm actually relieved to find out they are 'rude' because I never wanted one (I don't want to dance with everyone) and at least this will give me a valid excuse to my family of why I'm skipping it.
Printed addresses on invites is another one I didn't know about. I honestly couldn't tell you if any of the wedding invites I've ever received were handwritten, printed, professional calligraphy, etc. Don't notice it, don't care and really don't understand why that's even etiquette. I can't honestly imagine somone being offended that their invite used a label....but definitely something new I learned here....
[QUOTE]I don't think cash bars (or dry weddings) are rude at all, <strong>alcohol gets damn expensive</strong> and if you have a cash bar you are a *little* less likely to have people get belligerently drunk. I DO feel that tiered weddings are quite rude, it's like saying "you weren't good enough to see me get married, so here's a pity invite to the reception". That may just be me though
Posted by shelby_louis_2011[/QUOTE]
Mmmm.... don't care. Many people pull together the money for it. Probably something you should figure out when you budget for your wedding. I've known alcohol was expensive pretty much my whole life. Getting half way through planning and then "realizing" alcohol is expensive = no excuse.
40/112
[QUOTE] Printed addresses on invites is another one I didn't know about. I honestly couldn't tell you if any of the wedding invites I've ever received were handwritten, printed, professional calligraphy, etc. Don't notice it, don't care and really don't understand why that's even etiquette. I can't honestly imagine somone being offended that their invite used a label....but definitely something new I learned here....
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
Simply put a hand-written address is meant to show how much you <em>care</em> and want them to join you. It's <em>supposed</em> to take some time. Otherwise it just looks like a computer-automated gift grab.
Of all etiquette no-nos it's probably one of them I consider least important, but it's still one I absolutely notice and would never do myself.
[QUOTE]I have never really thought about wedding etiquette. I get an invite, I show up, give a gift, enjoy the night, go home. I very recently became engaged and started frequenting forums and was really surprised by some of the faux pas. For example, where I live, open bars are a bonus, a big bonus. In fact, I have only ever been to one wedding with an open bar. And I have been to a lot of weddings. <strong>I have never been to a dry wedding.</strong> Here, reception = cash bar. Since I learned this, I have asked a number of people my age, all who have never heard of this idea that a cash bar is rude (haven't had a chance to ask my mom). <strong>The other glaring one - tiered receptions.</strong> Just yesterday, i was reading a thread on tiered receptions. Also yesterday, I had a discussion with a co-worker about her exploding guest list. Her solution was to order reception cards, inviting people to the wedding and reception, not the supper. I never would have thought twice about that. It had never occured to me it was rude. I just always thought the reception is the fun part, and it is expensive to feed everyone so I was ok skipping the dinner (typically the dinner would be over and cleaned up before the time of the start of the reception on the other invite) I have been invited to the wedding/reception only before. I came home and asked FI about it, he also said it was pretty common and accepted. Now, after reading here, I get why they are considered rude. I had just never thought of it that way. I am not arguing they aren't. I was just kind of surprised since these are very common where I am and generally accepted. Am I the only one where these things are common? *edited to correct spelling*
Posted by kaper[/QUOTE]
I can understand weddings with cash bars because in all honestly alcohol is expensive. And for some people, drinking is not a concern cause they just don't do it. But my goodness, dry weddings suck! At least give me the option to have a drink....I enjoy a glass of wine with my dinner. Plus I don't think that people dance as much at dry weddings.
However, with that said, I went to a dry wedding for a cousin and I had to buy a plane ticket, rent a car and stay at a hotel. I didn't hold it against her that she chose not to have alcohol...I still gave her the same gift as I give everyone. But I can tell you that it wasn't the most fun I've had at a wedding.
Tiered receptions. I can agree that these are tacky. I went to one back when I was in college. I honestly wasn't all that offended (we just went to a bar and had dinner until we were Invited to join the reception) until we got to the reception and they had leftover buffet food and offered it to us.....thanks, but no thanks. But I can admit, that I had a TON of fun. The booze was flowing and we were dancing and having a grand old time.
The one other example that I can think of where a wedding was not etiquette friendly, was a DW in canada that we were invited to. No dinner, no booze, just dessert afterwards. We chose not to go to this wedding because honestly, we didn't want to use the time or money to go to a wedding like that. Plus these weren't close enough friends.
I guess in the end IMO it's all about how close you are to the couple getting married. My cousins wedding was dry, but I got to see a ton of family that I normally only see at weddings and funerals....so it was really nice to catch up. If it had been a wedding where I knew no one besides my husband, then we probably would have left right after dinner, or not even gone at all. The tiered reception I went to in college was a group of my nearest and dearest friends and since the booze was free, it was better than going to a bar and paying for our drinks, since that's what we'd be doing anyways.
If a couple is doing something at their wedding that truly offends you, just don't go. The couple won't miss you there because they will be having the time of their lives without you...and who knows, you might have only been invited out of pity!
The only thing I couldn't avoid was a gap. It's an awkward 1.5 hour one, but I asked my venue about opening a bar/lounge area for guests to hang out in if they go straight to the reception and the venue is also in an antique/outlet shopping "village" that is really pretty and worth a walk around if there is time to kill. The hotel is also on the way to the reception so it's an option for a quick freshen-up. If I didn't know the etiquette though, I wouldn't have thought of trying to make accomodations for the awkward gap, which I know I've been stuck with at other weddings in the past...
I have been to one wedding that was a cash bar and at I did not think much about the etiquette behind it (it was my sister's wedding)
At my wedding, we are only serving wine-no other alcohol will be allowed.
shoshanagleit - I'm very much in agreement with you - some of these 'correct' things would be very rude in my circle - and honestly, I'd rather my guests be happy than follow Miss Manners to a T.
1. Tiered reception. Agree, pretty much always rude.
2. Registry info
I put a small card with where we are registered with the invitation. That's pretty much the norm around here and I greatly appreciate when they do. If they don't want to get a gift, that's fine, ignore the card. Please do not call my mom or FI's mom. They work on a farm and a hospital. There is no such thing as calling them at 'normal' hours. It would be a huge hassle for them to get 120 phone calls. Many of the guests aren't up to speed on the internet, so while I have a wedding website, most wouldn't look it up/be able to look it up anyway.
3. Cash bar - completely up to the bride and groom, if doing a cash bar means they can invite 50 extra people, then go for it. I didn't want to do any alcohol - it's not important to me, and if people want to drink, they can pay. I will provide pop and other drinks. FI didn't really care. FI's family was pretty much appalled by that since they have drinkers on their side ( mine has very few) so they are paying for the alchohol. Totally fine with me.
4. Gap
Only been to one wedding without a gap. To me that is normal and not rude. I understand that they need time for photos, travel, etc. Mine will have a 2.5 hour gap. It's a 45 minute drive time so that kills some of it, but frankly, my guests are big kids, they can entertain themselves in a nice town in the summer for a little while. Go check in to your hotel, freshen up, whatever. My family, as well has several of my guests have farms. My family is going home after the ceremony to do chores before the reception. They need that gap. Having my family at the reception is far more important to me than my guests waiting around for an hour. It is also helping to accomodate fellow producers.
Sometimes doing what's best for you, your guests, and situation is more important than having perfect etiquette.