FMIL wearing white or Ivory.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

I really need to stop reading these threads. It always comes down to, "No one will confuse the 55 year old woman in the ivory suit for the bride! Lol!" That is so far from the point that it's like shooting at Phoenix and hitting San Francisco.

It's proper etiquette to NOT wear white to a wedding. Pick any. other. color. The dress that's perfect and comes in ivory? Probably comes in at least one other color. You wear white to a wedding and I'm going to think you're either 1) purposely "upstaging" the bride/ a total AW or 2) absolutely clueless about etiquette, in many forms. Neither are favorable impressions. And while yes, it wouldn't reflect on me, it would reflect on my family and I would just be annoyed.

My coworker has been married for 17 years and his mother wore white to his wedding. She falls into the first category. Even though his mother grew up in a foreign country/culure, he said, "No, she knew. It's just her." FWIW, he gives his wife full props for having to deal with that kind of MIL.

jcamm11 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wearing-white-ivory?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ae05f93-93b6-42b9-b0ed-6a598e789339Post:27de065e-3282-4074-8f99-4fc02aff96b3">Re: FMIL wearing white or Ivory.</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be pissed, but I'd notice. I might say something like "Oh, it's white!" And then drop it. <strong>My mom wore a white dress to by bridal shower and I said nothing</strong>. Pretty sure I was the only one who noticed.
Posted by apple_green[/QUOTE]

Does the not wear white rule apply to all wedding related events?

laurenclaire1386 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wearing-white-ivory?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ae05f93-93b6-42b9-b0ed-6a598e789339Post:b389e25b-ef5d-49c8-b2fd-fa17cceea0a7">Re: FMIL wearing white or Ivory.</a>:
[QUOTE]I really need to stop reading these threads. It always comes down to, "No one will confuse the 55 year old woman in the ivory suit for the bride! Lol!" That is so far from the point that it's like shooting at Phoenix and hitting San Francisco. It's proper etiquette to NOT wear white to a wedding. Pick any. other. color. The dress that's perfect and comes in ivory? Probably comes in at least one other color. You wear white to a wedding and I'm going to think you're either 1) purposely "upstaging" the bride/ a total AW or 2) absolutely clueless about etiquette, in many forms. Neither are favorable impressions. And while yes, it wouldn't reflect on me, it would reflect on my family and I would just be annoyed. My coworker has been married for 17 years and his mother wore white to his wedding. She falls into the first category. Even though his mother grew up in a foreign country/culure, he said, "No, she knew. It's just her." FWIW, he gives his wife full props for having to deal with that kind of MIL.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I completely agree. Out of the vast array of colors in the spectrum, why is it such a BFD to avoid one?

andy71781 · September 2010

I seriously don't get this rule and I think its stupid. Its not about upstaging - most people look horrible in white anyway. I vote for deletion of this rule but until then I'll follow it.

jess9802 · September 2010

I do agree that it's not a good idea for anyone but the bride to wear white at the wedding. And most people do follow this--I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone wearing white or ivory at a wedding (and if someone did, I surely didn't notice).

But I think this situation definitely falls into the category of "Pick Your Battles." You might be annoyed, or upset. And you are entitled to feel however you do. But you do need to consider whether it's a good idea to make your feelings known. Will it create hard feelings or unnecessary drama? Will it make you look bad or petty? If people even notice someone else wearing white the day of the wedding, they'll probably think, "Oh, brother, how rude," but if they hear the bride made a stink about it, they're likely to think less of the bride. Even if your MIL is an AW and wants to wear white to tweak you, sometimes you just need to be the bigger person.

stillundecided4 · September 2010

I didn't read all the replys, but here is my opinion.
I wouldn't say I'd be pissed, but I would give the side eye. Who wears white to a wedding? Really? I get nervous that my black dress has a white strap around the waist. I don't want to be "that person" who is wearing white. (btw, I know I over react with that situation, but still....) I know you want your FMIL and Mom to be comfortable. I'm sure they can get the same dress or pant suit in a "color" rather than white or ivory.

BTW, my mom wore champagne to my wedding and my MIL wore purple. Both of them loved their dresses and they looked beautiful. But I think the white or ivory shoud be saved for the bride.

ThePinkSuperhero · September 2010

I feel like I see a lot of pictures where the MOB is in ivory. I think it can look really lovely! It wouldn't bother me, but then again, I wouldn't "let" my mother wear black to my wedding. She asked about wearing the same dress she wore to my sister's wedding to mine and I said no because, A, you've worn it in wedding photos before and B, this is a spring daytime wedding and my sister was married in the winter. Wear spring colors instead, I said. And she did and she looked fabulous.

mica178 · September 2010

Thankfully, I don't have this problem. But a FMIL (or other close family member who will be in the wedding photos) should know not to wear white or ivory. If she does, as Mery said, she's an AW or clueless. In either case, a family member should try to talk said person out of embarrassing herself and the family.

If the bride's encouraging her mother or FMIL to wear ivory, that's a whole different story. Fine. Or if it's some random guest wearing white, okay, a little rude, but probably not an issue unless she's an ex-girlfriend of the groom.

LuluP82 · September 2010

Eh, while I think it's weird, it's not worth freaking out over. I do think it will make the FMIL look like an a$$. Everyone is going to assume she did it to AW. So, if it seems like she's just clueless...maybe have FI say something. Or MOB, if they're chatting about dresses/outfits at all. If she's doing it on purpose, then...well...it will probably make her happy that it bothers the bride.

2dBride · September 2010

At my own wedding, my view was that everyone could wear what they wanted. As far as I'm concerned, if you've invited guests who wouldn't know who the bride was if anyone else wore white/ivory, then you need to cut back on your guest list. And the only one who did wear all white was a guy. ;-)

At the same time, I'm old school on what I would personally do as the mother of the groom (which I expect to be in March). I've already written to the mother of the bride, telling her that I'll be happy to coordinate with whatever she is wearing if the bride wants that. Otherwise, I'll be the one over there, keeping my mouth shut and wearing beige. ;-)

srkropf · September 2010

Yeah, I would definitely say something-- you can't demand, but I would be seriously pissed as well

christyhal · September 2010

I know my FMIL wouldn't wear white or ivory, but I'm actually concerned about her showing up in all black. I know a lot of our guests will probably wear all black, and I know a nice black dress is formal and acceptable for weddings these days, but my family is *very* traditional about that sort of thing...all black is for funerals and mourning. While it wouldn't bother me personally all that much if the groom's mother wore all black, my family would consider it to be that she was mourning our marriage, particularly since they know she does not like me all that much! And they would talk. And some of the more talkative ones are lacking in tact...this is what I am afraid of. I don't want any uncomfortable situations at the reception to come from this!

tenofcups4me · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wearing-white-ivory?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1ae05f93-93b6-42b9-b0ed-6a598e789339Post:b389e25b-ef5d-49c8-b2fd-fa17cceea0a7">Re: FMIL wearing white or Ivory.</a>:
[QUOTE]I really need to stop reading these threads. It always comes down to, "No one will confuse the 55 year old woman in the ivory suit for the bride! Lol!" That is so far from the point that it's like shooting at Phoenix and hitting San Francisco. Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Mery, I really respect you and almost always agree with you, BUT that's not far from the point -- that actually IS the point. The rule came about so that no one would be confused with the bride and so the bride would stand out. That's the ONLY reason why other people aren't "supposed to" wear white. But when you're talking about a white or cream or ivory pants suit or even the typical mother-of-the-bride long dress, there's no way that person is going to take attention away from the bride just because they're wearing a light color.

I wouldn't wear white to a wedding since I know other people feel so strongly about it, but I couldn't have cared less if someone wore white to my wedding. I think the rule is ridiculous.

And I'm always struck by the irony of people freaking out that a woman is wearing white...when at a formal wedding, the groom is wearing the same basic tux as his groomsmen, the guests, and usually even the waiters.

KaylaSue19 · September 2010

I personally would have some issues with it. I guess I got lucky that both my mom, and FMIL wanted me to go shopping with them and I happened to spot dresses for them that they loved and worked with our color scheme (not that they had to of course, but it was nice). For me its the principle of the matter, the bride wears white or ivory, no one else should. Would I throw a hissy fit? No, but I would talk to FI and ask him to speak with her about choosing a different color.

kayakrunhike · September 2010

I'll be honest. My mom wore an ivory colored dress, and I was a bit unhappy with her choice. I tried, in the nicest way possible, to let her know before she bought it (I was with her) that I wasn't thrilled. She disagreed, and I let it go. (It wasn't "white enough" to be bad etiquette!)

I was annoyed, but it wasn't worth the fight it would have caused. And I had more important things to worry about, anyway. Then again, she was starting a lot of fights around that time, anyway, so I was probably more bothered by the whole siutation than I normally would've been.

Moral of the story: I'm still married, my pictures are amazing, and nobody passed out bc the MOB wore ivory.

krimson19 · September 2010

personally i don't care. for my first wedding my mom and MIL wore ivory. it was fine. everyone knew who was getting married. this time around i don't care what color they wear. we're wearing african garb , so we wanted them to be comfortable. also add me to the column who thinks the rule is outdated.

BRoss85 · September 2010

Personally, and I know that this doesn't seem to go with the majority, but please bear with me as it was how I was raised to dress for weddings. As a family member, we weren't supposed to wear white. It was just improper, because thats what the brides wear in our family. Black was also a big no-no, as black was reserved for funerals.

Now with that said, I know there are tonnes of gorgeous black dresses, and white/ off white that are appropriate for weddings. I would personally talk to my FMIL and voice my opinion/concern. If she still insists on wearing it, who am I to stop her? Maybe the OP can suggest some colorful, but co-ordinating accessories if she is really concerned?

FMIL wearing white or Ivory.

Re: FMIL wearing white or Ivory.

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