Opinion on living together...

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:ebbd69a1-9e23-45f3-b2f7-17398d84430a">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]Firstly, OP, I think your friend was totally out of line. It is nobody's business but yours whether or not you choose to live together before marriage. I did not live with my husband before we were married in 1976, though that was becoming quite common then. We were 1100 miles apart. Our decision to marry was very sudden, and my husband has always been big about commitments. I advised my daughter not to live with her FI before marriage for several practical reasons. 1. She owns the house. Allowing FI to move in risks the drama that he will have to be asked to move out. The less drama, the better. 2. There is nothing for her to gain. Their sex life is their own business, but there is nothing that would change if he moved in before committing to marriage. 3. They are both religious people, and do not want to upset FMIL. (Wouldn't have upset me, though.) 4. I know you hate to think about this, but keeping your own place leaves your options more open. Sometimes things just don't work out. Of the relatives in my family who lived together before marriage, all except one are divorced. That one exception is living in a common-law situation, and I don't see that changing, ever. She is taking a lot of risks, legally, by submitting to this. (Not her choice - her FI doesn't want to marry her. He actually said "Why buy the cow..." Ugh! She is pregnant with their 2nd child.)
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

It is her choice to stay with someone who won't marry her and who equates her to a cow! (Arg! I hate that saying) Bummer for her though. =(

annie912 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:176c06dc-b003-43b7-a958-93d147c27868">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : I never said he holds my hand, or than he hangs out while I change my tampon. Calm down! One of the posts mentioned having to wait for the guy to leave to use the bathroom, and to me that is just insane. You should be comfortable enough around the person you are going to marry that you can go to the bathroom while he's home.
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]

I think she was referring to a post from several months ago on bathroom stuff (peeing with door open/shut, etc) where one of the posters was talking about how she held her FI's leg or something like that when she was having cramps. It came across as kind of weird in a dependent sort of way to some.

Or maybe not. That's what I thought it was referring to though.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:513497e3-f5b7-423c-b4b9-e3ee9e06f3da">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : You are right. I wish she would llisten. They have been tigether for ten years. When she was pregnant with her first child, rather than pay extra to put her and her child-to-be on his insurance coverege ($35 per month), her horses patootie S/O took her to a lawyer, where they took her name off the house title, so she could qualify for ADC and welfare benefits. She has no legal right to the house that she has helped pay for for the past ten years. As a tax payer, I think this is obscene!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Yes, this type of thing makes my blood boil.

my6641 · March 2012

I really don't think that living together or not living together is any indication whatsoever of the success of your marriage. Whether you start living together now or after you get married, there's always going to be an adjustment period. My FI and I thought we were more than prepared to live together - we were together constantly and stayed at each others' places for days at a time - but we still had plenty of issues to sort out once we did move in together officially.

I'm sure that, since you're planning on getting married, you already have a decent idea what living with him will be like. It might be a good idea to have some discussions on the practical issues - like how you're going to handle things like cooking, cleaning, finances, etc. Keep an open mind and be patient.

alk0511 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:2a28317c-8fb5-42d4-80d5-0869bbe68738">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]Edit: Had to add this on. While I don't think living together is a must. I do think living on your own, and being able to support yourself is. So if you're going right from being supported financially by your parents, to getting married, I'd see red flags.
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]

I've been a lurker on these boards for a while now - but I'm so happy you said this, MiksChick. I had to jump in...

I am beyond happy that I had the ability to live solo & support myself before buying a home and moving in with FI. I learned a lot about myself and loved that no one was around to tell me that a bowl of Lucky Charms is not a well-rounded dinner (it was & still is).

While I will admit that going from living solo to +1 most likely instigated a few of those bumps in the beginning of co-habitation, I couldn't imagine doing this any other way. I love FI dearly but I'm glad that I'm finding his quirks out now (and vice versa - my own, included!). Sure...we spent our weekends together before moving in but, looking back, we really were just on our best behavior. Now, it's all out on the table and we deal with it...warts and all.

FutureMrsSS · March 2012

Oh wow thanks for all the responses everyone! There was a lot of good points made, and it has made me feel better about things

I do live on my own, and FI lives in like a dorm type setting with the military. Its about as on your own as you can get there! A lot of people mentioned discussing finances, which we have in depth, along with all of the other "big" things. I don't think leaving socks out, although super irratating, is a deal braker. You know? I think the biggest thing I got from everyone was that there is definitely an adjustment period, but I anticipate and understand that.

As for the bathroom thing... I personally think it has a lot to do with how you were raised. I have one friend who has no problem discussion her bathroom habits with anyone, and another who has been with her husband for 6 years, married for 1 and claims to have never so much as passed gas in front of him. So, to each there own...

jennipea382 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:544bcf12-875b-4340-aa18-596649cbac3c">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Even if you aren't married, you have the same opportunity to have someone decide these things for you if you can't agree. One of you sues the other for the property, and the court can decide who it belongs to or how to divide it. Just like divorce, most people find that legal expenses and attorney fees are simply not worth it when you're talking about dividing furniture and personal property. People usually only resort to this sort of thing when it's something with a lot of value, like a house.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

That's true I suppose. The way I saw it was people who are not married tend to buy things as "mine" and "yours" still (we are transitioning more into buying things "together"), so if we were to break up, things like the bed, kitchen table, etc would be simply mine since I'm the one that brought them into the apartment. It gets more complicated when you start buying things together. Both people may want that bedroom set they both contributed to, so that's why it's more likely a lawyer would get involved to help split things like this.

I could be totally off though. Never dealt with any of that kind of stuff and I don't have any sort of legal background so.. yeah haha. Just the way I see things I guess.

And the bathroom thing - we have friends that were peeing in front of each other from the beginning (though they're also both nurses who see it ALL, so that may have a little to do with their openness). But we close the door. I don't know why. It's not like it's embarrassing or something, I just don't need to see/hear what's going on in there, lol. But for some reason I don't have a problem peeing in front of my friends at bars/parties and stuff though.. lol. I dunno, I'm weird :-)

scrpio421 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_opinion-on-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e559b69f-760c-40e3-b855-854b4ea0dc74Post:060060c1-aa46-4e99-ba4d-2e1e43291da1">Re: Opinion on living together...</a>:
[QUOTE]Statistically speaking, couples who live together before marriage are actually MORE likely to get divorced. I don't see why you'd have to anyways. That idea is uber-new, for most of human history couples marrying absolutely were not allowed to live together before marrying. So in other words, this coworker is just a tad off her rocker IMO :)
Posted by DeannaCW[/QUOTE]

This is similar to what our pre-marital counselors also told us. We DO live together and this isn't going to change, as much as they tried to convince us. If we hadn't been already living together like you guys, then I wouldn't move in now. But for our situation and trying to save money, it works for us. But in a perfect situation, we should have waited.

brosters · March 2012

When someone talks about not having pre marital sex or not living together I always say, "you wouldnt buy a car without test driving it right?"

WalkersFurMama · March 2012

This is a very personal deicision that can only be made between the two people involved. FH and I have lived together for nearly three years now. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many people have sworn that we are doomed to divorce, or damnation and eternity in hell. The kicker? 75% of those people have been divorced at LEAST once themselves. I always hold my tounge and simply explain that we feel it's best for us. But usually I am tempted to yell in their face that we don't find divorce to be an option and cohabitating was our way of ensuring that we had truly found the person we were meant to be with. I truly believe that if you are with the right person, it won't matter if you lived together before marriage or not.

annvath89 · March 2012

I think this varies for everyone.

I personally would never marry someone that I have not lived with. I had dated a man for several years, we eventually got engaged and I moved in (with the encouragement of my older sister who said I needed to live with him first), within three months of living together I realized that our relationship/marriage would never last and ended things. I had not realized how much you really do not know a person until you live with them.

My now FI and I lived together for over two years before he proposed and I have absolutely no doubts about our relationship/future marriage.

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