Wedding Party

Not Sure What to Do...

My MoH and I have been friends for five years now. She told me recently that she is going to join the military sometime in the next year, and will likely be in training or stationed at a non-local base for my wedding. I am conflicted on this. On one hand, I am SO HAPPY for her! She has spent her whole life taking care of other people and now she is doing something for herself, and I am supporting her decision fully. On the other hand (And will never tell her this next part) I am crushed. She never made mention of enlisting when I talked to her about being my MoH (She may not have been considering it at the time) and now I am likely going to be short a MoH at the wedding, as well as short a BM.

I don't have many friends, which is why two mof my BMs are my aunt and my cousin. I have a few friends I could ask to be a BM, to keep it even with the GM (I would like it even), but I feel it would be rude to "promote" a BM to be my MoH, just because Lizzy is enlisted. I'm certainly not going to "fire" her, or make her feel bad about improving her life. I'm just not sure if it would be proper to "promote" someone in her absence, or go on as though she were at the wedding and do some of ther MoH duties myself, or not at all? Thanks in advance for any help.

Re: Not Sure What to Do...

  • I think you should lurk and read a little more, and your question may be answered.

    As for your friend, this is her life and her future.  It's not the end of the world if she cannot be there.

    Just out of curiousity, how old are you?
    dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha
  • You're on the right track and I'm glad you're happy for your friend. Some brides on here would be whining about how their friend clearly is selfish and not thinking about "MY" special day. So kudos...

    With that said - definitely don't replace her. List her in the program and keep her as your MOH. Sides do not have to be even - that's an evil wedding myth! Keep your wedding party as it. Also there are no specific MOH "duties" - Anyone can throw showers or bachelorette parties (except the bride) and one of the other BM's can easily sign the marriage license.

    It's sad that your friend can't come to your wedding but just keep being her friend and being happy for her. It sounds like this is a great move for her.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:7d98c77b-2521-48dc-b9ae-c9398cfac9a2">Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MoH and I have been friends for five years now. She told me recently that she is going to join the military sometime in the next year, and will likely be in training or stationed at a non-local base for my wedding. I am conflicted on this. On one hand, I am SO HAPPY for her! She has spent her whole life taking care of other people and now she is doing something for herself, and I am supporting her decision fully. On the other hand (And will never tell her this next part) I am crushed. She never made mention of enlisting when I talked to her about being my MoH (She may not have been considering it at the time) and now I am likely going to be short a MoH at the wedding, as well as short a BM. I don't have many friends, which is why two mof my BMs are my aunt and my cousin. I have a few friends I could ask to be a BM, to keep it even with the GM (I would like it even), but I feel it would be rude to "promote" a BM to be my MoH, just because Lizzy is enlisted. I'm certainly not going to "fire" her, or make her feel bad about improving her life. I'm just not sure if it would be proper to "promote" someone in her absence, or go on as though she were at the wedding and do some of ther MoH duties myself, or not at all? Thanks in advance for any help.
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Don't "promote" anyone to be your MOH.  Make mention that the MOH is proudly serving our country in your program.  </div><div>
    </div><div>What "duties" does your MOH have?  And yes, if it deals with your wedding then you should be doing it yourself because it's <em>your</em> wedding.  If you're worried about a bachelorette party or a shower, your BM can throw one for you, it doesn't have to be your MOH.

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:a875aeed-cea2-4e78-b2c4-09f831382d90">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should lurk and read a little more, and your question may be answered. Posted by CA2MT4EveR[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.

    But, OP, to put you out of your misery, generally the answer around here is don't promote and don't have anyone "fill in".

    You picked your wedding party for a reason. It's a bummer that your MOH won't be there (Just list her name in the program anyway if you want to let people know she's your MOH), but leave your wedding party alone. Being a "fill in" is insulting.
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  • List her as your MOH.  There is no good reason to replace a BM and sides don't have to be even.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:a875aeed-cea2-4e78-b2c4-09f831382d90">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just out of curiousity, how old are you?
    Posted by CA2MT4EveR[/QUOTE]

    Just out of curiosity, what does that have to do with anything?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:532148d6-ba35-4e59-b84f-b559648d1aba">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Sure What to Do... : Just out of curiosity, what does that have to do with anything?
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]

    Well, typically 18 year olds and near ages are the ones to join the military.  Yes, older people do join, but it's not the norm. Age generally plays a factor in the types of questions people ask.
    dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:21ac45f0-63de-45f4-bde2-e7bc43b5b71e">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]  What "duties" does your MOH have?  And yes, if it deals with your wedding then you should be doing it yourself because it's your  wedding.  Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

    My Bridal Shower/ Bachelorette Party are being planned in-joint by my MoH and myself, because she asked for me help. I am have an ecofriendly wedding and she was confused about what to do.

    As for the "duties", all the books I'm reading have things like holding the bouquet at the alter (during certain parts of the ceremony) and assisting in keeping things running smoothly during the reception (seating people, etc) as MoH duties. I'm not sure exactly how a MoH would do that last one, what with pictures and all, but I can do them. Most of what I know is based off reading multiple wedding books (my family isn't big on weddings).
  • Don't replace her.

    Wait and see what happens ... if she can come to the wedding, great. If not, it sucks that she can't be there but I am sure she'll be with you in spirit.

    Don't ask someone else just to keep the sides even. You do not need even sides. Asking someone to step in as a slot-filler is an insult. If they weren't good enough to be asked the first time around, then they should not be brought in as a replacement.

    A MOH's "duties" are to walk with the Best Man, hold your bouquet and maybe your FI's ring, help straighten out your train during the ceremony if necessary, sign the license and maybe give a toast. You can ask another bridesmaid(s) to do that if you need those things done.

    Bridal showers and bachelorette parties are gifts to the bride, not the MOH's obligation. Wait and see what happens. If someone wants to throw them for you, they will step in and do so, and you will get them. If not, then you do not get them and you cannot ask for them or plan them yourself. It can be disappointing if you don't get them, but you would need to deal with it in that case. Showers and bachelorettes are not requirements for a wedding - they're nice bonuses that not everyone receives.

    But wait to see what happens. This may all be a moot point, so no sense in worrying about it now. Continue to support your friend and as for the wedding just play it by ear.

    image
  • I'm almost 21 and she is 22.

    The reason I ask is that I don't want to have a new MoH. My family is not big on weddings and I've asked my mother and stepmother for advice on things, but they tell me to read a book and figure it out. Thats all good and well for place settings and procession orders, but when people are involved... I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:e4085e57-d94a-4efb-ba2e-4df871e31440">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My Bridal Shower/ Bachelorette Party are being planned in-joint by my MoH and myself, because she asked for me help. I am have an ecofriendly wedding and she was confused about what to do.
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]

    That's not appropriate. A bride shouldn't have a part in planning parties to be thrown in her honor. You can give her a guest list and some suitable dates if she asks, and also make a few suggestions if she asks, but you shouldn't actually be helping to plan it. Gently tell your MOH that this isn't appropriate in terms of etiquette, and maybe she will seek help from someone else.

    I realize that you're probably going off of what you've read in books, but please know that many wedding planning sources are incorrect. A good rule of thumb ... if something is telling you that people HAVE to do certain things for you (outside of paid vendors), if it's telling you that you are entitled to certain things (like parties), if it's telling you that it's O.K. to ask for parties or gifts or to demand help/favors from people ... please ignore it.

    There really are no "wedding rules" other than basic good manners, which I am sure that you know. If regular life says that you cannot ask for presents or parties, or make people do things for you (not saying that you're making her do anything, just using it as an example), that it would be mean to replace a friend or treat someone as a slot-filler ... then that also applies to a wedding.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:e4085e57-d94a-4efb-ba2e-4df871e31440">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]As for the "duties", all the books I'm reading have things like holding the bouquet at the alter (during certain parts of the ceremony) and assisting in keeping things running smoothly during the reception (seating people, etc) as MoH duties. I'm not sure exactly how a MoH would do that last one, what with pictures and all, but I can do them. Most of what I know is based off reading multiple wedding books (my family isn't big on weddings).
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]

    <strong>Please</strong> don't put a lot of stock into wedding planning books. They are out to make a profit, not to give you the best advice or the proper etiquette. Don't listen to any advice that suggests that you should put your attendants or families to work for your wedding.

    The bouquet thing is fine. The "seating guests" thing is not ... this is a job for paid reception site staff, or someone you bring in on your own. Or you and FI can put out place cards to direct people to their proper tables at the reception.  
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:84543fbc-7fcc-421a-8e7d-4c7e00cb774d">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm almost 21 and she is 22. The reason I ask is that I don't want to have a new MoH. My family is not big on weddings and I've asked my mother and stepmother for advice on things, but they tell me to read a book and figure it out. <strong>Thats all good and well for place settings and procession orders, but when people are involved... I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.</strong>
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]



    Bingo! You have exactly the right idea :)

    Too many people come to this board and essentially say that they're treating their friends like dirt or like hired help because "that's what wedding books/websites say to do." Many people often don't stop and think, "Would this fly in real life? If not, why is my wedding any different?" or "How would <strong>I</strong> feel if a friend demanded this of me?"

    Worry about people's feelings, and not the way that things are "supposed" to be, and you will be all set. The "musts" for a wedding are to seat and feed your guests and treat everyone nicely. Beyond that, you can do whatever you want to do ... 10 bridesmaids and one groomsman, a green wedding gown, pizza instead of a steak dinner, whatever you want.
    image
  • CA2MT4EveRCA2MT4EveR member
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:e4085e57-d94a-4efb-ba2e-4df871e31440">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Sure What to Do... : My Bridal Shower/ Bachelorette Party are being planned in-joint by my MoH and myself, because she asked for me help.<strong> I am have an ecofriendly wedding and she was confused about what to do</strong>. As for the "duties", all the books I'm reading have things like holding the bouquet at the alter (during certain parts of the ceremony) and assisting in keeping things running smoothly during the reception (seating people, etc) as MoH duties. I'm not sure exactly how a MoH would do that last one, what with pictures and all, but I can do them. Most of what I know is based off reading multiple wedding books (my family isn't big on weddings).
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]

    So because your wedding is ecofriendly, so is your bridal shower and bach party?

    And what the heck does ecofriendly mean  in terms of a wedding anyway?
    dont make ur password so easy. gbck2CA2 hahahaha
  • Also, just a note - if Alexa Sooter is your full name, you may want to have this account deleted and replace it with a screenname that doesn't allow any whackjob on the internets to then Google your name and learn all about you. The boards here can be read by anyone so it's not really very safe to have your full real name out there. Just sayin'.

    Also, the other girls have really given you some great advice thus far.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • You sound like you're on the right track here.  Your friend is making a decision that is in her best interest and will make a future for her. 

    And of course, you can be disappointed that your friend might not be with you on your wedding day.  But then again, things might be different and she might be there.

    As others have said, her "duties" are during the ceremony ONLY.  Prewedding activities, including showers, parties, and planning are NOT requirements of a WP.  Reception activities, including anything that a DOC sould do are NOT requirements of a WP.

    WP is NOT a job, so you can't really "promote" or "demote" anyone.  I like pps suggestion that if she can't be at your wedding, list her in the program as your MOH, and add "Proudly serving her country in ..........."

    I like you.  I like your attitude.  Stick around   We'll be glad to help you out and give you advice.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • I vote to just keep her name on the programs as your MOH and have the sides a slight bit off if she cannot attend. I know you want the sides even but do you really want to promote someone to that position even though you don't feel close to them? Do you really want to "find" someone to be in the WP that you don't really care about?

    I'm so glad you aren't one of those posters that come on here unsupportive of your friend. I was really afraid of that at first; i'm pleasantly surprised.
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a40b08e9-80c7-4c5b-bf7e-03fdf5dbb910Post:e4085e57-d94a-4efb-ba2e-4df871e31440">Re: Not Sure What to Do...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Sure What to Do... : My Bridal Shower/ Bachelorette Party are being planned in-joint by my MoH and myself, because she asked for me help. I am have an ecofriendly wedding and she was confused about what to do. As for the "duties", all the books I'm reading have things like holding the bouquet at the alter (during certain parts of the ceremony) and assisting in keeping things running smoothly during the reception (seating people, etc) as MoH duties. I'm not sure exactly how a MoH would do that last one, what with pictures and all, but I can do them. Most of what I know is based off reading multiple wedding books (my family isn't big on weddings).
    Posted by Alexa Sooter[/QUOTE]

    <div>Did you bother to read anything after what you had quoted from me?  It said that your other BM can plan your shower/ bachelorette party.  And no, you shouldn't have any part in planning your own parties.  I've never heard of your MOH helping seat people at the reception.  I don't see how that's even possible either.  Your BP should be enjoying themselves at your reception, just like any other guest.  Don't take what you read in the bridal books as the final word.  As for holding your bouquet, ask the BM that's going to be standing next to you to hold it.  It's not a big deal who holds your bouquet during the ceremony.</div>
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Out of curiousity...your OP says that she will "most likely" be in training when you get married...how sure is this "most likely"? For all you both know, she may go to basic training before, or even after, your wedding...and therefore would negate this whole situation, correct?  Why don't you wait until her plans are set, then go from there?  I agree with the posters who said keep her as your MOH, list in the programs, etc...if she is unable to make it...but you may be making a big deal of nothing if she finds that she will not be away for the wedding :)

    BTW, do me a favor and thank your friend for me...it really is awesome that she's volunteering to serve our country! :)
  • OP, I don't actually own it, but I think Emily Post has a wedding book that's supposed to be good and her etiquette is pretty well accepted.  You might want to ditch the other wedding planning books in favor of a copy of Emily Post's.
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