reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?

lxchick09 · May 2012

Hello, I am one month out from wedding and am having BM problems. I told all ladies 6 months ago I would need them the evening before for the rehersal and then the day of for the wedding when I asked them to be BMs. Now I have one BM who most likely cant make the rehersal because she is doing an extracurricular activity that day and wont be done in time. It would be understandable if it was not being allowed out of work but she is doing a sport by choice. This same person lied and first said she coudlnt make it because of work but then later mentioned this sport as happening at the same time as the rehersal. This sport is also making her unavaliable for the ladies night out, getting nails or hair done with the group and not able to join the bridal party on the wedding day till 2 hrs prior to the wedding (if its not running late and theres no traffic). Is it unreasable of me to expect her to be at the rehersal and the wedding day sooner than that and ask her to resign as being a BM if she cant. I feel our wedding day is more of an inconvenience to her as she had a 7 month notice even to the time of day and day of the rehersal but still didnt plan accordingly. I am so stressed out as this isnt the first time she has caused issues in the process. We have been friends for 15+ years though at sometimes more distant than others (like now).

Is it reasonable for me to give her two chocies and ask for her to pick: The first choice as not being in the wedding party but just attending or helping with other important stuff so she only has to be there on time for the day of, allowing her to do all the other activites she wants without stressing me out. I would pay for her dress and have no hard feelings if she picked this. This also will reeven the number of people in the bridal party. The second choice is letting her stay a BM and stressing the importance of the rehersal and if she cannot make the rehersal then she will not be in the wedding the following day and ask that she not wear the BM dress. I wouldnt pay for the dress in this case because she would have agreeed to attend the rehersal with the understanding that if she doesnt make it she is not to be in the wedding party. I dont want to ruin the friendship but this is way too much unnecessary stress to me and my husband.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

Rehearsals are really no big deal. I've been in several weddings now and they are all the same: walk down the aisle, stand here, walk back up the aisle. I'm sure you can easily fill in your missing bridesmaid about where to stand and what to do.

I agree with you that it's a bit crappy she won't let go of her activities the day of the wedding because she did make a commitment to you, however as long as she shows up wearing the dress in time for the wedding, she really isn't doing anything wrong. She doesn't have any obligation to get ready with everyone else (although I'm sure you'd like that) or to attend hair/make up/nail sessions (although I'm sure you'd like that).

There really are only a few good reasons for kicking out a bridesmaid: she tries to murder someone or she tries to hook up with your fiance. Anything else is really going to make the bride look petty. She's your friend. Clearly this activity she's involved in is quite important to her. I'm sure your wedding is, too, which is why she's trying to do both. I know your wedding is fabulously important to YOU and this activity and your wedding are important to her. Respect goes both ways.

Viczaesar · May 2012

Your expectations of your bridesmaids are completely unreasonable. They don't owe you anything more than showing up on time to the wedding in the correct attire, selected with their comfort and budget in mind. They DO NOT owe you the entire wedding day, the day before if they have other commitments, a ladies' night out, or getting nails and hair done with the wedding party. All of those things are optional for your bridesmaids.

"UnBM"??? That's a euphemism for kicking your friend out of the wedding, which is a friendship ending move. She hasn't done anything wrong. Her life does not revolve around your wedding, as is normal for the people who aren't actually getting married in said wedding. If she's going to be there for the actual wedding, and even 2 hours prior to the wedding, why are you complaining? Why would you even consider such a public slight to your friend?

Viczaesar · May 2012

Also, how on earth is her not being able to be at your rehearsal stressing you and your FI? This isn't exactly rocket science. She probably knows how to walk down an aisle and hold flowers. People miss rehearsals all the time, and many brides and grooms choose not to even have one because it's really not that important. It's certainly not important enough to screw up a friendship over. Just let it go.

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

Look, PPs have said everything really important already. But at least take a moment to step back, reflect, and remember that your bridesmaids are not your props, or your subordinates. They are your friends. You should be happy that your friend has a life of her own that she's working around to stand up for you at your wedding, not angry that she doesn't ask "how high?" when you tell her to jump.

ETA: Also, seriously? Have you ever BEEN to a wedding rehearsal? Absolutely nothing happens at them that can't be explained verbally later.

JaxInBlue · May 2012

Agree with PPs. This really doesn't seem like a big deal. She's going to be there with plenty of time on the day of. I was bored at our rehearsal - and I was the one in charge of it. And after the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner? I spent the rest of night helping my sister because she was rear-ended driving home. Thank goodness she was okay - but I share this because any visions I had of a cute sleep over with my bridal party went out the window pretty quickly.

Other peoples' lives keep going - with their hobbies and interests and emergencies - even though you are gettting married. Don't say a word to her about her commitment - let her know where she can meet you that day and move on. She'll be fine - you'll be fine.

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

You need to get your expectations in check.

You are considering ending a friendship and doing something unbelievably nasty to someone you care about because she won't revolve her life around your wedding? Get a grip.

artbyallie · May 2012

Your poll choices are all bad. You'll look like a raging Bridezilla if you kick her out, and asking her to choose is essentially the same as kicking her out (she'll certainly feel like that's what you're doing even if it's supposedly her choice). And worrying about whether she'll be able to show up to your wedding? Seriously?

The right option here is to be a calm, rational adult because it's no big deal if she misses the rehearsal. It'll take one sentence to fill her in on the wedding day. "Oh, hey Susie, you'll be walking behind Sally and before Sarah. By the way, how'd your game go?" (Because friends show interest in their friend's activities, and are supportive of them)

mbody · May 2012

FFS, just chill and enjoy. She isn't obligated or doesn't owe you anything but to show up to the ceremony.

lxchick09 · May 2012

I appreciate everyones responses. Its just frusterating because at the 7 months point I told the laides I would need the for the rehersal and that dinner as well as several hrs the day of the wedding so we can have the whole parts getting ready in photos before the wedding and drive as a group since its about a 30min drive to the ceremony cite from the prep cite there are added security measures to get in since its a miltiary base and I want to start on time which means being there 10-15min prior to the start time. they all said they understood this and that it wouldnt be a problem. I know they arent props and believe me havent asked anything from them beside a vote on a dress so they like it and a 2-3 month notice to order it dress by a certain date even offering to pay ahead if any of the girls were tight on cash. This person got mad the day we asked her to be a BM and told her we went and did a JOP without tell her ( we didnt even tell our parents, or anyone for that matter), didnt order her dress on time saying shes too busy and its no big deal its "just a dress" said yes to doing hair and makeup and being avaliable the whole wedding day only to say "no i dont have time because im busy" I support her in the sport but its a sport/activity she does 3-4 weekends out of the month ( and o nthe wedding day shes jsut helping it out not competiting) and we are only in town 2 weeks out of the year so I was hoping that since i was upfront in the beginning I would get the same respect back. I dont care that shes not doing the ladies night or nails, its the lying and attitude of "its just a dress" when i called on the last day to order to follow up with her since she hadent ordered yet and "im only having more that this pony tail if we do hair and make up" then when she finds out what studio i selected says "oh nevermind i dont have time for that" she hasnt seemed to care or been supportive of the marriage from the beginning so why would I want her to be beside me on this important day. When all the other BMS saw her note to the group saying "i cant make it and ill get ready on my own and come over" they were quite shocked. If nothing else, again thanks for your thoughts and letting me vent.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:7d27c352-e75b-4061-b254-8ace12bfdee3">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate everyones responses. Its just frusterating because at the 7 months point I told the laides I would need the for the rehersal and that dinner as well as several hrs the day of the wedding so we can have the whole parts getting ready in photos before the wedding and drive as a group since its about a 30min drive to the ceremony cite from the prep cite there are added security measures to get in since its a miltiary base and I want to start on time which means being there 10-15min prior to the start time. they all said they understood this and that it wouldnt be a problem. I know they arent props and believe me havent asked anything from them beside a vote on a dress so they like it and a 2-3 month notice to order it dress by a certain date even offering to pay ahead if any of the girls were tight on cash. This person got mad the day we asked her to be a BM and told her we went and did a JOP without tell her ( we didnt even tell our parents, or anyone for that matter), didnt order her dress on time saying shes too busy and its no big deal its "just a dress" said yes to doing hair and makeup and being avaliable the whole wedding day only to say "no i dont have time because im busy" I support her in the sport but its a sport/activity she does 3-4 weekends out of the month ( and o nthe wedding day shes jsut helping it out not competiting) and we are only in town 2 weeks out of the year so I was hoping that since i was upfront in the beginning I would get the same respect back. I dont care that shes not doing the ladies night or nails, its the lying and attitude of "its just a dress" when i called on the last day to order to follow up with her since she hadent ordered yet and "im only having more that this pony tail if we do hair and make up" then when she finds out what studio i selected says "oh nevermind i dont have time for that" she hasnt seemed to care or been supportive of the marriage from the beginning so why would I want her to be beside me on this important day. When all the other BMS saw her note to the group saying "i cant make it and ill get ready on my own and come over" they were quite shocked. If nothing else, again thanks for your thoughts and letting me vent.
Posted by lxchick09[/QUOTE]

Wait, what? You are already married? And you are still having a pretty princess day with all the bells and whistles? Do your guests know that you are already married? Are you hiding it from them? If you are hiding it then you are decieving them into thinking that they are witnessing your actual marriage ceremony. This is beyond rude. No wonder your BM isn't revolving her life around your "wedding" since it really isn't a wedding.

MairePoppy · May 2012

Maybe she's upset that you are lying to everyone, including your parents, and expect her to go along with it.

frantastic12 · May 2012

Wait, what? You're already married? I find it ironic that you have a problem with her "lying"...

And you're expecting people to buy BM dresses? And get their hair and nails done? And be props for your photos?

(OT--Jaclyne, my brother and I also got rear-ended driving home from our sister's RD.)

ETA: Maggie, good to know someone shares my thoughts.

Lizzieyounce · May 2012

Sweet Cheeks, you aren't a bride. You are a wife. Your wedding day was the day you went to the JOP...and you're lying to everyone to boot!

If I were a guest and found out that I had been lied to, I'd be pretty ticked off and would reconsider the friendship.

You need to come clean and cancel your PPD, the truth ALWAYS comes out and you will end up looking ridculous. You will also cause some seriously hurt feelings, especially if your parents are paying for your PPD.

skippylouwho · May 2012

Dear Mrs. whomever you are,

You are already married. You are lying to people. You are demanding and over-bearing. That says a lot about you.

But as to your BM - instead of telling her you need them for all of these different dates/times and to spend lots of money on your PPD, why didn't you say "I'd really like it if you would attend these events, be available at these times for this # of hours ON MY PPD.

Asking rather than stating that they need to be available at these dates/times would probably cause people to be more flexible with you.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

Woah. You're already married? Your bridesmaid is pissed because this isn't a wedding - it's a show. She's not taking it seriously because it's not a serious event anymore - it's a redo of something that has already happened.

You might want to read this thread: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding

Girlie1030 · May 2012

This whole thing is just a train wreck...

OP, you're already married so the fact that you're throwing a hissy fit and getting ready to end a friendship over whether or not this girl shows up to your fake wedding rehearsal pretty much gives you (Fake)Bridezilla of the Year status.

JaxInBlue · May 2012

Definitely agree with others. You can't expect people to be okay with your lying. You aren't having a wedding; you're staging a show. Your BM is already doing more than a lot of people by agreeing to participate in this production to the extent she already is.

You need to start being more honest with everyone - be clear that this is a PPD vow renewal and let people make their own participation decisions from there.

(And 20212jmr - that stinks! Hope you both were okay.)

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

Um, if you're having bridesmaids show up to a fake wedding, you are pretty much literally using them as props, because you're using them as actors in your FAKE WEDDING!

lxchick09 · May 2012

All, the ENTIRE FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOWS WE ARE MARRIED AND HAVE SINCE 2 DAYS AFTER WE DID IT, we have not lied. Also I did ask "can you be avaliable these times" not demand it upon the inital askign of the BMS. We did the JOP because we got military orders for only one of us so the fiscally smart thing since we were already planning to get married and wanted t omove together was to get it on the books. after 2 days of being married we didnt want to hide it so we told EVERYONE we were married and even only called it a celebration and exchange of vows not a wedding for our invites. We still wanted to do a celebration and bring the famlies together since after 2.5 years they have never met so we are having this ceremony. If it wasnt a "real wedding" then explain that to my bank account and all our family that is excited that we decided to have the event instead of moving on with our lives without any indication we got married besides a name change. We NEVER lied to anyone about it and our family and friends have been very supportive. Funny the way people change their thoughts with just the mention of the word of JOP without stopping to think there may be a valid reason why a JOP was done. Have a great day I am going back to focusing on the real world job I have of serving this country proudly thanks for your time

Maggie0829 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:4b8548a9-b9a2-4642-a497-d1618104260e">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]All, the ENTIRE FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOWS WE ARE MARRIED AND HAVE SINCE 2 DAYS AFTER WE DID IT, we have not lied. Also I did ask "can you be avaliable these times" not demand it upon the inital askign of the BMS. We did the JOP because we got military orders for only one of us so the fiscally smart thing since we were already planning to get married and wanted t omove together was to get it on the books. after 2 days of being married we didnt want to hide it so we told EVERYONE we were married and even only called it a celebration and exchange of vows not a wedding for our invites. We still wanted to do a celebration and bring the famlies together since after 2.5 years they have never met so we are having this ceremony. If it wasnt a "real wedding" then explain that to my bank account and all our family that is excited that we decided to have the event instead of moving on with our lives without any indication we got married besides a name change. We NEVER lied to anyone about it and our family and friends have been very supportive. Funny the way people change their thoughts with just the mention of the word of JOP without stopping to think there may be a valid reason why a JOP was done. Have a great day I am going back to focusing on the real world job I have of serving this country proudly thanks for your time
Posted by lxchick09[/QUOTE]

What you are planning is a vow renewal. And with a vow renewal you should not have anything wedding related (ie, wedding dress, cake cutting, first dance, bridesmaidsm, groomsmen, etc). What is proper is to have a nice big party to celebrate your new marriage. You can have all your family and friends come eat, drink, dance and have a blast but all wedding stuff needs to be left out of it.

pkontk · May 2012

That's weird, your friend was upset that you were asking her to give up a weekend and buy a dress for a wedding that's already occurred. /sarcasm font

frantastic12 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:4b8548a9-b9a2-4642-a497-d1618104260e">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]All, the ENTIRE FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOWS WE ARE MARRIED AND HAVE SINCE 2 DAYS AFTER WE DID IT, we have not lied. Also I did ask "can you be avaliable these times" not demand it upon the inital askign of the BMS. We did the JOP because we got military orders for only one of us so the fiscally smart thing since we were already planning to get married and wanted t omove together was to get it on the books. after 2 days of being married we didnt want to hide it so we told EVERYONE we were married and even only called it a celebration and exchange of vows not a wedding for our invites. We still wanted to do a celebration and bring the famlies together since after 2.5 years they have never met so we are having this ceremony. If it wasnt a "real wedding" then explain that to my bank account and all our family that is excited that we decided to have the event instead of moving on with our lives without any indication we got married besides a name change. We NEVER lied to anyone about it and our family and friends have been very supportive. Funny the way people change their thoughts with just the mention of the word of JOP without stopping to think there may be a valid reason why a JOP was done. Have a great day I am going back to focusing on the real world job I have of serving this country proudly thanks for your time
Posted by lxchick09[/QUOTE]

You are unreasonable to expect people to buy dresses and serve as props in your pictures, regardless of what you want to call your celebration.

Maybe I missed something, but no one criticized your choice to go to the JOP or questioned your reasons for doing so. What people are criticizing is the fact that you're calling your post-wedding party a wedding. And an expensive party doesn't make it a wedding.

And please don't throw around the "serving this country proudly" as an excuse to justify your party. The people I know who serve this country proudly (including my siblings) don't use it as an excuse for anything, let alone a party.

ETA: If you want to have a celebration, then fine, have at it. But don't call it a wedding, and don't expect others to be your props (and BTW, being upset over the fact that your friend won't be there for your "getting ready" pictures proves everyone's point of you seeing your friends as props).

juliebug1997 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:4b8548a9-b9a2-4642-a497-d1618104260e">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]All, the ENTIRE FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOWS WE ARE MARRIED AND HAVE SINCE 2 DAYS AFTER WE DID IT, we have not lied. Also I did ask "can you be avaliable these times" not demand it upon the inital askign of the BMS. We did the JOP because we got military orders for only one of us so the fiscally smart thing since we were already planning to get married and wanted t omove together was to get it on the books. after 2 days of being married we didnt want to hide it so we told EVERYONE we were married and even only called it a celebration and exchange of vows not a wedding for our invites. We still wanted to do a celebration and bring the famlies together since after 2.5 years they have never met so we are having this ceremony. If it wasnt a "real wedding" then explain that to my bank account and all our family that is excited that we decided to have the event instead of moving on with our lives without any indication we got married besides a name change. We NEVER lied to anyone about it and our family and friends have been very supportive. Funny the way people change their thoughts with just the mention of the word of JOP without stopping to think there may be a valid reason why a JOP was done. Have a great day I am going back to focusing on the real world job I have of serving this country proudly thanks for your time
Posted by lxchick09[/QUOTE]

You waited two days because you didn't want to hide it. Hiding something is covering it up. Covering something up is lying about it.

crnflkgirl75 · May 2012

Train wreck. I do 't want to look, but I can't help it.

Lizzieyounce · May 2012

If you'd asked me to participate in this farce, I'd have told you to stick it.

jemmini6 · May 2012

You're lucky this friend even bought a dress to be a non-BM in a non-wedding. You are the one that's acting rudely and inappropriately by having a fake wedding.

calliopeia2013 · May 2012

In Response to Re:reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?:Um, if you're having bridesmaids show up to a fake wedding, you are pretty much literally using them as props, because you're using them as actors in your FAKE WEDDING!Posted by calliopeia2013Hey now!nbsp; Don't lump actors and props together.nbsp; Props rarely bump into the furniture.nbsp; Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Haha, fair enough.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

OP - there are lots of reasons to JOP a wedding. Your reason is perfectly fine. You're wanting to throw a big party so that everyone can meet and celebrate is fine!!

What isn't fine is not understanding why your friend isn't taking this seriously. It's a re-enactment of something that has already occurred. You won't be becoming man and wife that day. That ship has sailed. Your treating the entire event like a wedding when it is, in fact, NOT a wedding. Since it is not a wedding, people are going to think that whole rehearsal/rehearsal dinner/wedding party hoopla is a bit silly and unecessary. I get that you want a wedding like you had pictured in your head, but you chose a different route. Own it.

aragx6 · May 2012

I think it would be really creepy to stand up and say vows again when you know you're already married.

I suspect this is a big part of why your friend is pulling away. What you're doing is ridiculous.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

My older sister eloped, then had her convalidation in the church. I do think she ended up nixing the WP after the elopement, but she had talked about having me sing something at the ceremony. I didn't go.

See, it was initially supposed to be the week before, but they moved it to have it on their anniversary, which was the same day as the AcDec state tournament my senior year. I was the captain of the team, it was the last time I was going to be competing (there was no chance of us making nationals), and we had just enough people, so if I wasn't there, the team would have forfeited.

If it had been her actual wedding, I would have been there. (I would have done both if at all possible, but it was on the other side of town.) But she was already married, so I decided that AcDec was a higher priority. I know she wasn't thrilled about it, but the day went on just fine.

Not everyone is going to give your do-over the same weight that you do. They don't show up to be props to fill out your fantasy, they show up because they want to share in the moment of you getting married and wish you well on the start of your journey. Devoid of that actual moment, it's just a party, and people skip parties for their own personal reasons all the time. These are the consequences of the decision you made, and the only adult thing to do is to accept them gracefully.

For the record, we skipped the wedding rehearsal. If we'd been in a standard wedding venue and/or with an experienced celebrant, it wouldn't have made a lick of difference. (We had neither, so things were... a little rough.) But it still worked fine, and we're still married. A couple of the attendants missed the few minutes of "you stand here" that we did do, but we filled them in just fine even with our weird setup.

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