I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

Lack of money management skills by one or both parties is one of the leading causes of divorce. It's a legitimate concern; if you're not able to create any sort of savings, for a wedding or otherwise, you're living beyond your means. Sorry if some of you don't really like those facts, but they still exist.

Heather8505 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:c4d5ae24-3696-4297-88a7-df14cb458b9b">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]Lack of money management skills by one or both parties is one of the leading causes of divorce. It's a legitimate concern; if you're not able to create any sort of savings, for a wedding or otherwise, you're living beyond your means. Sorry if some of you don't really like those facts, but they still exist.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Maybe spending money on a wedding would be living beyond their means. A person can easily get 20k in debt for a wedding and say they paid for it themselves while another does not pay for it and is not in debt. Which of those two has poor money management skills.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:2cf5e0b8-647a-437e-9a1e-263b3b938366">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : Maybe spending money on a wedding would be living beyond their means. A person can easily get 20k in debt for a wedding and say they paid for it themselves while another does not pay for it and is not in debt. Which of those two has poor money management skills.
Posted by Heather8505[/QUOTE]
It doesn't matter what you're spending it on: a wedding, video games, rent, credit card payments, whatever. If you're not able to set aside money from every single paycheck, even just a few dollars, you're living beyond your means. Getting help paying for one thing doesn't solve the underlying issue.

Heather8505 · December 2010

I easily understand that, and for overall advice that is good. However, to post that on someone's post when you have no idea if they have money in the bank or not is uncalled for. My father is paying for my wedding and I've known he would since I was an early teenager. He's been putting money up since I was born. If he was not doing that, I would not have the money to have the same wedding even though I bought a house a year ago, paid off my car, have a few months salary in savings, and no debt. Does that mean I'm living beyond my means because I can't afford to pay for my own wedding? I understand this is not about me but I hate it when people say you are this or cant that because of one thing that is said. And YES, I know yall are not mindreaders. I read that on here way too much.

Heather8505 · December 2010

She said she could not contribute to the dress. Nothing was mentioned about the wedding as a whole. The OP was about the dress so there probably was an assumtion that subsequent posts would be about the dress.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:5cca45c1-dd75-41b7-8f44-c32ca1bd3ecf">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]She said she could not contribute to the dress. Nothing was mentioned about the wedding as a whole. The OP was about the dress so there probably was an assumtion that subsequent posts would be about the dress.
Posted by Heather8505[/QUOTE]
So we should have all presumed that she's perfectly able to contribute to the other 90% of the wedding costs if she wishes, but that in this one particular instance her hands are tied? That's interesting logic.

Heather8505 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:95cdbe2c-5a9e-439d-994a-830218329735">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : So we should have all presumed that she's perfectly able to contribute to the other 90% of the wedding costs if she wishes, but that in this one particular instance her hands are tied? That's interesting logic.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

My point is that if she is asking if she will get over this dress or if she should try to make it work somehow, there is not a need to itemize who is paying for what. It does not change what the answer would be ABOUT THE DRESS. Some call it not being a mindreader for not knowing who is paying for what but I say it's people making assumptions about stuff that is irrelevant. End of story.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:008f5b13-de0b-422b-8004-ae6cd431c998">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford : My point is that if she is asking if she will get over this dress or if she should try to make it work somehow, there is not a need to itemize who is paying for what. It does not change what the answer would be ABOUT THE DRESS. Some call it not being a mindreader for not knowing who is paying for what but I say it's people making assumptions about stuff that is irrelevant. End of story.
Posted by Heather8505[/QUOTE]
But one of the possible solutions, proposed by other posters, to the problem is "cover the difference yourself," which makes who is paying for what very relevant to the question. You can't ask a question about money and then get upset when people talk about the money.

candie&blake · December 2010

my suggestion is to look for that dress at other places cause that was the first dress i tried on and it was not near $4000 when I tried it on it was no more than $2000 and that was at the same place I got my Maggie Sottero dress, so it wasnt a hole in the wall junkie no name place. I went to Houston for dress shopping and went to Brick House Bridal and to Venturas. Possibly you could find it at once wed or try calling around to different bridal shops and price the dress.
Another option is to get a remake of it! good luck!

luvredstockins · December 2010

When are you getting married? Have you set a date? You said you were shopping for "fun" and you said you are still in school, so that may mean your a ways a way from your big day. Which given your current situation, that would be a good thing.

What I found was that my taste changed from pre-engagement browsing to full on planning. You may love the dress now, but once you start to decide on a theme, and overall feel for your wedding, you might change your mind.

Yes you can go look for something that compares, but if you are one who recognizes the quality of this $4k dress, a $600 dress will not compare. If you still love the dress then go for it! If your parents are willing to pay a certain amount then perhaps you can cut out something else, if the dress is not within budget. What is worse looking back at your pictures wishing you didnt spend so much money, or looking back regretting not buying the dress of your dreams? Good luck!

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:20ac8ac0-8db0-4112-943f-4968c4bbd1ac">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]aerinpegadrak - just an observation, but you are incredibly defensive when your "advice" is questioned but yet you have no problem doling out judgmental and almost rude comments. It almost seems like you are jealous of the fact that someone's parents would want to pay for their wedding. Was this not the case for you? One of my close friends got married last April and she has a fantastic job, just bought a condo with her own money and her parents paid for her wedding. Her dad had wanted to do this for both of his girls (her sister is getting married this summer) and has been something that Erin has known since she was a kid playing dress up. Does that make her financially irresponsible because it was a beautiful gift from her parents who insisted? Perhaps you need to realize that everyone has different situations, backgrounds and all want different things for their weddings - regardless of how it gets paid, or if you feel they are too young. The point of the post was about a gorgeous dress that is out of budget. Why do you feel the need to attack her personally when you know nothing about her? Why assume?
Posted by anwallette[/QUOTE]
Actually, my parents did contribute to my wedding rather significantly. Had they not offered, we would have happily gone to the courthouse. We still ended up covering most of the costs ourselves, though, because they couldn't provide the money up front. And we knew right away that we'd have to cover anything beyond the gift that they were providing out of our own pockets. Yes, I was a student when we got engaged, and part of the reason we had a long engagement was so I could finish school and we could save enough money. Acheiving financial independence is one of the five psychologically recognized markers of adulthood, and it's typically the one that comes before getting married.

The only person I was defending was dnbeach (well, and the others who posted along the same lines), who made the initial observation. Heather and I were debating our respective positions--quite civilly, in fact. It's a discussion board, the point is discussion and it sometimes gets off topic. If you don't like that, you're more than welcome to post elsewhere.

And saying "Perhaps you're not quite ready to be getting married" is not a personal attack. Saying "That's an ugly dress and you look horrible in it" is a personal attack, and no one said anything anywhere near that. This board has an excellent mod, she doesn't need your help.

anwallette · December 2010

aerinpegadrak - thank you for proving my point!

tovlehrer · December 2010

i cannot believe how many people on here just plain suck. this will be the last time i read and respond to posts on here ever. as women, i think we should lift each other up, not drag one another down as is being done so callously on here. this is a truly awful display that feeds into every stereotype of catty women and bridezillas. and aerinpegadrak, you should try that whole being nicer thing real soon. because what you are doing currently, it's just not working for you. and dont use standing up for dnbeach as an excuse. it is abundantly clear that she can say idiotic things at random on her own without the help of another moron. the stupid leading the stupid never ends well.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:e6116973-6d86-4f9b-9d6d-36138aec7fee">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]aerinpegadrak - thank you for proving my point! :)
Posted by anwallette[/QUOTE]
Which is what? That I respond when someone directly addresses me? If you see any sort of reply as "defensiveness," that's your problem, not mine.

JessicaE84 · December 2010

As far as the dress, I was in the same situation. I searched for dresses within my budget that were similar, and I absolutely love the dress I will be getting married in. I'm sure you know this but try to remember that if you don't get the dress you first fell in love with, it will not make or break your wedding. The dress is not the centerpiece of the wedding, as some brides believe. The important thing is being with the people you love and getting married to the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know it's disappointing, I felt the same way, but you will eventually find something that you love and that will look beautiful on you.

I hate to comment on this because it wasn't your original point, but there is no shame in your parents paying for your wedding. I am 26, my fiance is 28 and we are both school teachers. We could afford to pay for a wedding if we had to, but my parents want to pay for it. I am their only daughter. In fact, I am the only granddaughter among eight grandsons, so seeing me as a bride with a beautiful wedding is important to many people in my family. Just remember to be reasonable. Since my parents insist on paying for my wedding, I am being very careful not to go overboard. That is the very reason that I gave up on my $4,000 dress and was able to do my dress, veil and shoes for under $1,000....and I know that my FI will think I look beautiful, no matter how inexpensive the dress was, which is the only thing I really care about anyway.

thesequel · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:24fc5216-8015-4058-8762-adfc1bed6b96">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE]i cannot believe how many people on here just plain suck. this will be the last time i read and respond to posts on here ever. as women, i think we should lift each other up, not drag one another down as is being done so callously on here. this is a truly awful display that feeds into every stereotype of catty women and bridezillas. and aerinpegadrak , you should try that whole being nicer thing real soon. because what you are doing currently, it's just not working for you. and dont use standing up for dnbeach as an excuse. it is abundantly clear that she can say idiotic things at random on her own without the help of another moron. the stupid leading the stupid never ends well.
Posted by tovlehrer[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well said! </div>

iver4156 · December 2010

I think it's incredibly rude for people to say, "If you can't afford X for your wedding, then you shouldn't be getting married at all." I understand some people are proud that they paid for their entire wedding on their own, but perhaps they're leaving out the fact that their family could not contribute anything in terms of monetary support. My parents told me they were contributing $10k and we graciously accepted. There's no way that we could afford an expensive wedding to begin with, but we are paying for little things like invitations, ceremony accessories, my shoes and the favors.

Regardless of my little rant, OP, have you looked into having an identical dress made? It can be FAR cheaper, and you can tweak it to exactly that look you want. Maybe the train was too long/short or you wanted a lace up bodice. BAM. Problem solved. I'm not saying that it will take a $4,000 dress down to $500, but it could drastically cut down the cost in a way you may not have considered before. Just go back and (if the shop allows it - I know some don't) take a bunch of pictures of the shape, details, etc., take it to a seamstress and see what they say.

Limeliberator · December 2010

I can relate. I fell in LOVE with a dress and when I tried to order it, I found that it was no longer being manufactured. I feel your pain.

There's good news, though. The dress isn't like your fiance: try on more and I'm sure you'll find others that can be "THE ONE." My advice to you would be to try several dress shops. I know people that have bought "THE ONE" and a few months later bought another "THE ONE." It happens. In fact, I agonized over buying it the dress that I eventually bought.. because there were two other "THE ONE" dresses that I LOVED equally as much. I hope this ends up being the case for you.

Also, depending on your wedding date, you might be graduated with a great job by the time you even need to shop for a dress.

However, if, after trying on AT LEAST a dozen dresses, you find that you can't live without this one, talk to your parents and see if there's any way that you could work something out with them. You'd be surprised how far parents are willing to go for their baby girl. Good luck and congratulations on your engagement!!

mrsjustinm2b · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:66fdedf5-fedd-4b42-9d01-2660f93c7b4c">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:
[QUOTE] "if you do not have the financial means to pay for your own wedding, you most likely aren't in a financial situation to be getting married. If you can't afford to pay for a wedding or a dress you want, what will happen if you car needs major repairs a month after getting married? Or the roof on your house needs to be replaced? Run to mommy and daddy? " if those things were to happen, would they not happen if she was married or not? this is not about getting married or not but if someone cannot afford to fix their roof, then maybe they need to rent. Or maybe they need to save money to fix their car but don't say they don't need to get married (yet). and maybe she has thousands in the bank for emergencies<strong> but doesn't feel that a wedding is an emergency and warrants spending her savings</strong>.
Posted by Heather8505[/QUOTE]

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_am-obsessed-dress-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:50a74f54-a858-494c-a5f9-76b641c3d71ePost:24fc5216-8015-4058-8762-adfc1bed6b96">Re: I am obsessed with a dress that I can't afford</a>:<div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]i never post this much, but this is OUT OF HAND. it has to be said.... DNBEACH....GET OVER YOURSELF! how is it up on that soapbox looking down on everyone else?!? didnt your mom ever tell you if you have nothing nice to say, dont say it at all?!? if not, allow me to: IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, DONT SAY IT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by tovlehrer[/QUOTE]</div><div>
[QUOTE] and dont use standing up for dnbeach as an excuse. it is abundantly clear that she can say idiotic things at random on her own without the help of another moron. the stupid leading the stupid never ends well.
Posted by tovlehrer[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, calm the eff down. I'm not on a soapbox, and I never once said parents paying for your wedding means you shouldn't get married. So I love how hypocritical some of you are saying that I am assuming things about her situation based on what she posted, yet you're all assuming I'm saying that you should not accept money from anyone. My parents paid for a good portion of our wedding. We were going to plan a wedding we could afford and were comfortable spending on, and then they offered a substantial amount which allowed us to do some upgrading. </div><div>
</div><div>In the OP, which so many of you seemed to have failed to read, she said that she wanted a $4,000 dress, and was willing to sell things and not eat to pay for it. But her parents were paying for the wedding and she couldn't contribute because she was in school. How do some of you honestly say that finances have no bearing on a marriage? Money problems is one of the main causes of divorce. So yeah, it has a lot to do with it. </div><div>
</div><div>And for all of you who just want to fly in and play newb superhero to the OP, clearly you missed the part where I said I was sorry for assuming her situation. But that doesn't change my opinion that people should have some financial security before getting married. If I wanted to pull a newb move I could go back and delete my post, but I won't do it. I stand by my opinions on the subject, but I apologize to the OP. So seriously, STFU about it already. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: And BTW, neither Aerin or I made one single personal attack toward anyone in this post. We can argue our opinions and points without resorting to name calling. You on the other hand called us both morons and stupid, which would be a personal attack. So why don't you give the netiquette lesson to yourself.</div>

BB1584 · December 2010

Something similar happened to me, I loved a dress [dress A] that I tried on that was over $3,000, I ended up getting [dress B] for $1,000. They are the same designer and have similar styles. Try on a dress that is similar to the one that you absolutely love and I'm sure you'll find a dress you love for the price you love. Good Luck!

A:

B:

xChinaDollx · December 2010

Can you sew? Or at least hand sew? If yes then it's actually not that complicate a dress, however the beading and the flower applique looks kinda heavy. Just sew a simple dress, princess seamed, and hand sew on the appliques and beading.
You can fale the look of it just by doing that.

Or if you can't sew, then try take the picture of the front and back(include sides too) of the dress to a seamstress and negotiate a price range that's within your budget.:)

The dress is kinda important to me since I'm studying fashion, but I won't pay thousands of dollars just for a gown you'll most likely only wear once. I'm gonna design, draft, and sew my dress! Its the only thing i decided so far.

thesequel · December 2010

emmkay - check this out - you might find your dream dress or even "request" it.

https://dreambridal.com/

mica178 · December 2010

If you do ridiculous things like go wedding dress shopping without a budget and/or try on dresses that you could not possibly afford and believe that you're "in love" or "obsessed" with that inanimate object, then I hope that you have a long engagement. Pretty much the top reason for relationship stress is finances, and if you don't have control over yours, you should delay marriage until you do.

Dnb and aerin are right.

Weddings are not emergencies and should not require you to dip into your emergency funds. But if you and your family cannot afford the wedding/wedding dress of your dreams, you either need to scale back (and stop tempting yourself by going into boutiques you cannot afford) or put off the wedding until you can save enough money.

jemmini6 · December 2010

You now know why they tell you to never try on a dress that's over your budget. It's very hard to fall in love with a dress that you can't afford, and you may never love a dress as much. You have two options, find a way to get that dress (either as a sample, used, pay the difference, etc) or keep looking and find something you like that's within your budget. IMO, it doesn't make sense to pay that much for a dress, so I would personally just keep looking. You will find something that you like, it may not be your 'dream' dress, but you love it because that's what you get married in (just like a 4 carat diamon may be your 'dream' ring, but you'll love your 1 carat just as much because your FI gave it to you)

As for the financial issues that people are bringing up...I agree that if you personally cannot afford to get married, then you shouldn't. But by that I mean, if you can't afford the actual marriage license ($60 - $100 depending on the state), then you probably shouldn't get married. An actual 'wedding' is completely extra, if you can't afford a wedding, but someone offers to pay for it for you, then you are very lucky. Yes, money is the #1 cause of divorce, but I don't think that just because you can't afford to contribute to a 'wedding' doesn't mean money will be an issue in your marriage. One of my friends couldn't afford to put away any extra money for a wedding because they were paying their bills and saving for a house, so her parents paid for them to have a 'wedding' (they would have been happy to just go to the courthouse though, but her parents wanted her to have a wedding). They have now been married a few years and are very happy and money has never been an issue with them, because they are very responsible with their money (ie, not wasting money on a wedding when they could have been saving for a house).

Long story short, being able to pay for your own wedding doesn't equal financial stability necessary for marriage. It's great if you can, but if you can't, it doesn't mean you aren't 'ready' for marriage. And relating back to the dress, my ultimate recommendation is that you forget about it, talk to your parents about a budget, then find one in your budget. HTH

AutumnD5*21 · December 2010

I can't believe how mean some of you people are! Or are you just jealous that you didn't have help for your own wedding? I'm 31 years old, and guess what? My parents are paying for my wedding. They want to pay for my wedding. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Perhaps OP's parents feel the same way. Get off your soap boxes.

OP, I am sorry to hear about your predicament. I agree with several PP's that you should take pictures of it with you to see if a salon professional can find a dress you love in your price point. They're very good at what they do.

opalsky007 · December 2010

OP, there are a number of things you can do to find your dress at an affordable price. Look at used dress sites like bravobride.com, preownedweddingdresses.com, and oncewed.com. Look for sample gowns at bravobride.com. Alternatively, we can try to find you something similar at a more budget-friendly price point.

For the rest of you: you know what they say about what happens when you assume. In the future, if you're unsure of a poster's situation regarding finances, ask before casting judgment. In fact, it'd be nice if you refrained from casting judgment altogether. It's neither needed nor appreciated.

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