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Snarky Brides
How much do you give?
I'm having an issue with work-related events. Yesterday we got an email about a secret baby shower for a guy on my team, complete with registry info. Today, we get an email about a bridal shower of sorts for a supervisor, with donations requested for a basket. A week ago, another supervisor's grandmother died and someone walked around collecting funds for a basket and card. Just before that, a joint baby shower, gift card for someone whose grandfather passed, and basket for another girl's wedding.
If you don't give anything or attend, you get the serious side-eye from people and snide remarks. So here's my issue (and I know this sounds all "poor me" but I can't help it)--all these people hosting the events or being celebrated, not one of them even bothered to even say congrats on my wedding in April. IN fact, I got crap about taking time off for the HM. When my great-grandparents died a couple months ago, the sup having the bridal shower told me I just needed to work it off because I couldn't take time off. The guy having the baby shower recently said "maybe if you didn't work so hard, you'd be more like the rest of the team" (we work on production/commision and I'm the highest producer).
I hate giving to people who disrespect me, and being expected to shell out money every other week. I can't afford it, but I also can't afford NOT to because if you don't, you suddenly are the bitch who doesn't care about anyone. I don't want people here to hate me.
WWYD? Would you just keep on giving money for baskets and whatnot, or would you say enough is enough and just be the antisocial bitch?
If you don't give anything or attend, you get the serious side-eye from people and snide remarks. So here's my issue (and I know this sounds all "poor me" but I can't help it)--all these people hosting the events or being celebrated, not one of them even bothered to even say congrats on my wedding in April. IN fact, I got crap about taking time off for the HM. When my great-grandparents died a couple months ago, the sup having the bridal shower told me I just needed to work it off because I couldn't take time off. The guy having the baby shower recently said "maybe if you didn't work so hard, you'd be more like the rest of the team" (we work on production/commision and I'm the highest producer).
I hate giving to people who disrespect me, and being expected to shell out money every other week. I can't afford it, but I also can't afford NOT to because if you don't, you suddenly are the bitch who doesn't care about anyone. I don't want people here to hate me.
WWYD? Would you just keep on giving money for baskets and whatnot, or would you say enough is enough and just be the antisocial bitch?
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Re: How much do you give?
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I hate that crap. My work bans all stuff like that. Like I didn't have a wedding shower or anything because we aren't allowed to solicit each other for money/gifts for showers or parties. People can't advertise their kids are selling Girl Scout cookies either.
Matt's dept does shiit like this all the time and it drives him nuts. I think he gives something like $3-$5 each time. Just enough to keep them from being total diicks.
If it were me, I would continue to give, but it would be in very small amounts. That really sucks that they didn't acknowledge your wedding. I know that's not a good feeling.
I would say eff them. I wouldn't want to contribute to something for someone who is disrespectful. I know it's better to give then to receive but I'd be pissed if they go all out for other ppl and didn't even do the slightest thing when I got married or had a birthday or a death in the family like they do for other co-workers.
But, I'm also cool with being the office biitch.
I kinda like what GPB said - eff them if they want your respect but don't respect you in return. But I also kinda think - is that the best way to be? Even though they didn't say crap about your wedding, even as much as a simple congrats - I almost think it's the better thing to do to send a card or a small gift. It just makes you out to be the better person.
It gets said around TK all the time that things aren't tit for tat - just because someone didn't come to your wedding doesn't mean you should blow off their baby shower or not wish someone well after their loved one dies. The fact that they didn't bother to acknowledge your nuptuals makes them look like jerks - but don't be a jerk back to them. That just makes more jerks.
Steph-my wedding was this past April, so I can't use that as an excuse. We're trying to save for a house, so that would definitely work.
k-byte--our 'donations' are anonymous to an extent. The bosses always know who gave and who didn't, although the person the party is thrown for probably wouldn't.
I could do a few bucks. If they don't like it, fvck 'em.
[QUOTE]Who gives a gift card when someone dies? That is just insane! Since when is death a time for gifts?
Posted by allisong23[/QUOTE]
People usually send sympathy cards or cash when someone dies - at least they do where I'm from. The cards let the family know that they're being thought of, and the cash can help with funeral expenses.
When my grandfather passed my grandma got at least 350 cards. She also got A TON of food.
ETA - flowers are good to send too!
[QUOTE]<strong><u>all these people hosting the events or being celebrated, not one of them even bothered to even say congrats on my wedding in April</u></strong>.
That's f*cking RUDE! No 2 ways about it. So I say...do unto others as they have done to you. I was in the same situation, always shelling out cash and then when it came to me, and I didn't get anything (let alone someone even ACKNOWLEDGING an event) I stopped giving, and stated exactly why. Moving forward, I only supported those who had supported me, people got the message.
<strong><u>maybe if you didn't work so hard, you'd be more like the rest of the team" (we work on production/commision and I'm the highest producer)</u></strong>.
Maybe if he wasn't such a penis...you would associate with him!?! WTF is that comment all about? Tell him not to hate the player...hate the game. I love to hear when women do really well and succeed!!! Good for you! don't let some @sshole make you feel bad about that. Not for nuthin'...I'm sure you have enough friends that you don't need this penis-wrinkle to be one of them!
<strong><u>just be the antisocial bitch?</u></strong>
maybe not totally antisocial, I'm sure there are people in your office you like, so just support them when these collections are taken up, and use an excuse like "I don't have $$$ on me right now" when there's a collection plate going around for the others.
[QUOTE]It gets said around TK all the time that things aren't tit for tat - just because someone didn't come to your wedding doesn't mean you should blow off their baby shower or not wish someone well after their loved one dies. The fact that they didn't bother to acknowledge your nuptuals makes them look like jerks - but don't be a jerk back to them. That just makes more jerks.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
I agree with this, and certainly am not expecting recogntion every time soemthing in my life happens.
The biggest thing is that there are so many parties that I can't afford to keep buying stuff for all of them. I can get over the wedding thing, but being told my great-grandparents don't count as close family really upsets me (they wouldn't let me take time off for the funeral because it wasn't immediately family) and I guess I'm still holding a grudge.
I agree with the PP's and would say that if it's someone you're close with or would give a gift to then either contribute or buy your own gift. If not, then screw them. Peer pressure is not a reason to give a gift. When the guys here starting having families I got presents for the babies not because we did a group thing but because I like them and wanted to get them something. I don't see the point in having to contribute to a gift because everyone else does.
It wouldn't be worth it to me.
[QUOTE]I like how my school handles this. We have a recognition team that has their own fund. If you want, you contribute $20 at the beginning of the school year and the team takes care of cards and gifts for special events and signs them from the faculty. This way you only get hit up once and no one is required to put money in.
Posted by Princesaambar7[/QUOTE]
My school does the same. Unfortunately, the committee ran out of money and was constantly hitting people up for more. Eventually, I politley said that I simply can't afford to keep contributing after the initial $20. If I'm friends with the person, I'll get a small gift for them on the side. I don't think there's anything wrong with not contributing. I get that we all have to work together, but we are colleagues, not friends. Professionalism does not require a card and a pat on thehead every time something good happens.
Since they fvcked you over, I'd just pretend I never had cash on me. That would stop them pretty quickly. But, like PPs said, I'm not really upset about being the bitch.
I made a bio?!?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much do you give? : I agree with this, and certainly am not expecting recogntion every time soemthing in my life happens. The biggest thing is that there are so many parties that I can't afford to keep buying stuff for all of them. I can get over the wedding thing, but being told my great-grandparents don't count as close family really upsets me (they wouldn't let me take time off for the funeral because it wasn't immediately family) and I guess I'm still holding a grudge.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
That's just cruel to me. How are great-grandparents not immediate family? They are like - the entire reason your whole family exists to begin with! If that's how my office treated me when my grandfather passed I would probably hold a grudge too. When someone loses a family member it's just not acceptable to me to look them in the face and tell them that this isn't important enough to have time off.
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I guess I'l just do a few dollars and call it even. I never carry cash, so they are going to get a bag of change. Plus my little brother is having his college going away party soon and I'd much rather get him a kick-ass gift that someone in the office.
And AATB---yeah that one makes me angy whenever I think about it. I try to see it from their point of view but I still think it was ridiculous.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much do you give? : That's just cruel to me. How are great-grandparents not immediate family? They are like - the entire reason your whole family exists to begin with! If that's how my office treated me when my grandfather passed I would probably hold a grudge too. When someone loses a family member it's just not acceptable to me to look them in the face and tell them that this isn't important enough to have time off.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
I see where you are coming from, but depending on the size of the company, it's likely that they have a bereavement policy. It's unfortunate, but companies have to follow their policies to avoid unfair treatment. It's one of those things that sucks, but you have to have rules and guidelines to protect employees from inconsistent treatment.
I recently had to tell an employee that he couldn't use bereavement time for the death of his aunt. It broke my heart, but if I allowed him to do it, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on when the next person wanted to take time away for a second or third cousin. He was allowed to take time off, but he couldn't use bereavement time. Again, it sucks, but guidelines have to be established and followed.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much do you give? : I see where you are coming from, but depending on the size of the company, it's likely that they have a bereavement policy. It's unfortunate, but companies have to follow their policies to avoid unfair treatment. It's one of those things that sucks, but you have to have rules and guidelines to protect employees from inconsistent treatment. I recently had to tell an employee that he couldn't use bereavement time for the death of his aunt. It broke my heart, but if I allowed him to do it, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on when the next person wanted to take time away for a second or third cousin. He was allowed to take time off, but he couldn't use bereavement time. Again, it sucks, but guidelines have to be established and followed.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Yeah - I understand that too.
It just sucks. :(
When someone dies we take a collection and usually send food to the house, the company will send either flowers or a donation to the deceased's favorite charity, depending on what the family prefers. Something else that is usually very useful at a time like this - paper products for the house hold that will host most of the family etc. They usually gather somewhere either for a formal or informal "wake" so paper plates, plastic cups, napkins are all really useful. Odd but useful and usually appreciated.
And cew, I totally see where you're coming from with the policy. I think the reason why it upsets me so much was the delivery. If the boss had just said, sorry for your loss but this is the policy I could have dealt with it. But she was completely callous and told me to just get back to work because it wasn't possible. have a heart, woman.