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Long or short engagement?

bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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in Not Engaged Yet
Okay, I probably just need to be talked down from the edge of BSC...but here goes my rant.

My BF and I have discussed many times that we don't want to have a long engagement. But people ask me all the dang time when we are getting engaged. I'm sick of my friends asking, I'm sick of my parents friends continually asking my parents when I'm getting a ring. Its so annoying that I've thought of maybe having a long engagement.

But then I know we will just be constantly asked when the wedding is so I guess that will get just as annoying. But why the heck do people have to bug me about it all the time! I know my friends are getting married and thats awesome for them, I'm truely happy for them but just because BF and I want to wait until we are financially stable doesn't mean we aren't in a serious relationship.

So I guess my only question is are there even any pros to getting engaged sooner and having a long engagement?


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Re: Long or short engagement?

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    bourgehmbourgehm
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    edited December 2011
    I have had a long engagement.  I've been engaged for 2 years because we were waiting for FI to get out of school before we were married.  I honestly wish we would have waited a little longer to get engaged because I feel like 2 years is too long to be thinking about the wedding and what you'll do when you're married.

    Some pros: More time to plan/prepare.

    I think although people ask when you'll get engaged when you'd like short engagement, people bug me about 'why is the wedding so far away?' So, I think either way you get comments.
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    NarwhalNarwhal
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    edited December 2011
    Idk, I think a long engagment would be better for me.  I feel like I'm going to need a big adjustment period before I go straight into wedding planning. Not to mention more time to save.  Especially if you have a demanding job (or school, like me) a long engagement might be a better option, especially when you want to DIY a lot of stuff.  That being said, I'm not engaged, so I have no idea if these ideas are based in fact.

    But don't get engaged just to stop the questions.  Instead of "when are you getting the ring" people will ask "well when are you gonna just go on with getting married already?!"
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Narwhal - I agree, I would never get engaged just to stop questions. I just go back and forth between wanting to be engaged soon or later. I would love to be engaged soon but I don't want to get so far away from the actual wedding date that being engaged is pretty much just like dating.


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    NarwhalNarwhal
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    How long of an engagement are we talking?
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    edited December 2011
    2 years...maybe 3


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    NarwhalNarwhal
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Going towards the three makes it pretty long.  I would be afraid the engagement sparks would fade a lot by the time of the wedding...  Can anyone who's been engaged for a while confirm or deny this theory?
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    leia1979leia1979 member
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    edited December 2011
    Three years seems a bit long. I think you're going to get questions no matter what, and you shouldn't get engaged until the two of you feel the time is right.

    Explain to your friends and family that their constant questioning bothers you. Perhaps they don't realize that.

    My BFs mom used to ask him weekly when we are getting married (she was pushing for this year). Either she's stopped asking or my BF has stopped telling me.

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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Yeah...I think the spark would fade. I'll probably just talk to my friends and tell them (again) that it will be awhile before we are engaged.


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    nickchicknickchick member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not much help.... Been engaged for 10 days and i don't know yet if we're having a long engagement or not. In my case, I want one on the shorter side, but it will depend on money and other circumstances. All i can do is share in your frustration. I hate those questions. "When are you guys getting married?" " when are you guys having kids?". When all my friends and younger sister were pregnant or getting married. Been there. Ugh. 

    But don't let those questions pressure you to alter whatever you and your BF's plans are for your future. 

    ((Hugs))
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Being patient just sucks sometimes...but I'm sure we will wait. its really best that way. I would perfer to get married before BF starts grad school but he's not sure...he thinks it might be better to wait until after.


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    **Mutley****Mutley**
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We knew that we did not want a long engagement prior to getting engaged.  My best friend got engaged and they immediately started planning for a 16-month engagement.  DH looked at me and said "Do you want to wait that long?"  I said "No way, a year tops."  He said "I was thinking more like 6 months or so." 

    When we got engaged, DH brought up a month that night.  When I told him that September wouldn't work, he went for August.  That would have been a 4 month engagement and a no-go for the Catholic Church.  Our engagement was a total of 6 months and 6 days. 

    I think that having a general idea is one thing.  However, I wouldn't try to overthink it right now.  When you get engaged, figure out when would be a good time to get married.  The length of your engagement doesn't matter as long as you are both comfortable with the marriage date.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    edited December 2011
    Thanks Mutley. You're right I'm probably overthinking everything.


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    Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know these people who ask these "When are you getting engaged questions" exist because they're talked about so often here, but I just don't get it.  What adult thinks it's normal to expect a 20-22 yr old (right ?) to be ready to get married.  I know it's possible, but I don't think it's typical.  I'm sure it's annoying to be asked the same thing over and over, but you know why you're waiting and it's a good reason so you just need to decide to not let it bother you.

    I'm having a long engagement.  It will be 17 or 18 months long I think.  For us, it was kind of necessary because attending our wedding will require international travel for most of our guests and we just didn't think a few months would be enough time for everyone.  And only summer months work for us.

    Obviously, it's great because we can spend more time saving and figuring out exactly how much we can and want to spend.

    If we didn't have the travel issue, I think I'd be really annoyed that we were waiting over a year to get married.  I agree with you- if you're going to be engaged for 3 years, what's the difference between being engaged and dating?
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    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would continue to ignore them. Get engaged when YOU GUYS want to.

    FWIW - we'll be engaged for 8 months and I loved having a short engagement.

    I think I'd get so tired of a 3 year engagement I'd just want to move the wedding up. I'd wait as long as you can.
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    catemegcatemeg
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The only two people who can decide this are you and your BF.  Don't let your family or friends annoy you with their questions - I get them all the time, and I just find them humorous!  Try to laugh at it, it'll make it easier.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everyone else.  3 years does seem like it would be a little long.  I think 1-2 years wouldn't be TOO bad but 3 might be pushing it.  I know it's hard, but just try to let all their questions go.  You two wait until the time is right for YOU, not for everyone else.

    FI & I are having about an 8 month engagement...
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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am not a fan of long engagements *she said as she waited 15 months to get married* BUT that's what FI wanted so I folded.  IMO, I think 3 years is too long.  2 is even pushing it (for me) but it really depends on what you guys want.  You're over thinking it- just wait for it to happen and figure it out then;)

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    ekathleen684ekathleen684
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    For me, a year is about right for an engagement. I think 3 years would be too long and would drive you insane. We plan on being engaged 15 months+ but I don't plan on doing anything wedding related until we hit the year or less mark. I'm afraid that planning fpr more than 12 months will make me lose my mind!

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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-short-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a898be2-d6e7-42b4-b07b-ad7feb8e86abPost:e25de1b7-dd5e-4b17-b0db-2381d605c721">Re: Long or short engagement?</a>:
    [QUOTE]For me, a year is about right for an engagement. I think 3 years would be too long and would drive you insane. We plan on being engaged 15 months+ but I don't plan on doing anything wedding related until we hit the year or less mark. I'm afraid that planning fpr more than 12 months will make me lose my mind!
    Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]

    <div>Soooo figured out when(ish) you'd like to have it?  I'm so nosey<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /></div>

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    ekathleen684ekathleen684
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like September (month twinsies!) but we'll have to see. It really depends on if I can get a job w/ health insurance before I graduate. If not, we'd have to wait until after December 2011..GAH! I'm applying (and have been casually training) for a position right now but I don't want to get my hopes up quite yet. The girl doesn't leave until August/September so I've got a month or so to wait it out on that one. If all goes well though...:D
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    dwest2201dwest2201
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    BF and I have talked about a 6-9 month engagement.  I think anything over a year would be too long for me personally.  I can understand if you are waiting for a certain season etc that you end up waiting longer like a year and a half or whatever.  But I think that anything like 2 or 3 years is a really long time and that the excitement of being engaged and planning a wedding would either fade or you would change your mind about stuff and go insane!
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    bourgehmbourgehm
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Narwal: You're right when you said those engagement sparks/excitement fades after 2 years. The first year was so exciting, but after that year passed, I've been just so tired of waiting for this wedding.  I suppose that is one of the main reasons this long engagement wasn't the greatest decision.
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    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-short-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a898be2-d6e7-42b4-b07b-ad7feb8e86abPost:8295fafd-a096-4cfe-a978-ad5f3b29a451">Re: Long or short engagement?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I like September (month twinsies!) but we'll have to see. It really depends on if I can get a job w/ health insurance before I graduate. If not, we'd have to wait until after December 2011..GAH! I'm applying (and have been casually training) for a position right now but I don't want to get my hopes up quite yet. The girl doesn't leave until August/September so I've got a month or so to wait it out on that one. If all goes well though...:D
    Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]

    <div>wo0t wo0t! Month twins!  Get that job, girl. I'm keepin' my fingers crossed</div>

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    sapphirebaby926sapphirebaby926
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The questions won't stop once you get engaged. They won't stop when you get married - they just change. First it's 'when are you getting engaged?' then it's 'when is the wedding' 'what are you doing for (insert random wedding detail here)' <--this may have only happened to me but I got it a lot, then when you get married it's going to be 'when are you having kids?' and sometimes even after you have the first one it's going to be 'when are you having more?'

    Some people are way too nosy about other people's lives ::side-eye to IL's::

    DH and I wanted to be engaged around a year but the circumstances being what they were we were engaged for 5 months and 7 days
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    KD+BCKD+BC
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't get engaged to stop the questions because the questions never end. Once you're engaged it's "when are you getting married" and once you're married "it's when are you having kids?" For me, we are getting the kids question and we still have 4 months until the wedding!

    I personally could never handle a long engagement. We have been engaged for 6 months and I'm already incredibly impatient.

    If you need the time to save or live in an area where the good venues book quickly, I understand longer engagements but they would drive me nuts.

    Bottom line: Do what is best for you and your bf.
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    NarwhalNarwhal
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry if this is a threadjack...

    This thread is really helpful for BF and I.  We've been discussing since last night how long of an engagement we want, since we already have a round-about time that we will be wanting to get married (sometime spring or summer 2012 before I start grad school) and I'm reading these posts to him. 

    My problem is that I just don't want to wait. I don't know why I don't want to wait, but I don't. I know I want at least a year, preferably more to get married, but I don't even want to wait a couple months to get engaged. What's wrong with me?
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    **Mutley****Mutley**
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Narwal, at this point, I would take a step back from all of the engagement talks with the bf.  You both KNOW you are going to get engaged.  You both KNOW when you would like to get married.  You have talked about marriage and what it means to you.  Let the chips fall where they lie for the engagement length.  There is no perfect amount of time to be engaged.  Let him come up with a surprise proposal when it seems right.  And then you can go from there.   
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    NarwhalNarwhal
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That sounds awesome, Mutley. Thanks friend. :) I definitely need to do that. I know it will happen and I really need to stop trying to talk about it with him. I'm gonna work on backing off.

    Afterall, I'm just a silly little beebee, remember?
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    **Mutley****Mutley**
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At least you don't suck at life.  Kiss
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    katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    : ) Narwhal, Mutley gave you great advice. I would drop the convo.

    FI requested that we drop all wedding/marriage talk about 4 months before he proposed. It made it easier when we weren't discussing it all the time.
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