Just Engaged and Proposals

Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.

I got an engagement ring from my now fiancee 1 1/2 years ago. I am not very material and i could have cared less how much it cost or even if it was tiny. In my opinion, the love you have for another does not show in how big the ring is.

Anyways, ever since then, he constantly rubs in my face how expensive my ring was and that he expects the same for an engagement ring so he would marry me. No ring-no marriage.

I am not sure what to do. he earns more than me and i cannot afford a ring for 12 k right now. Thats the one he wants.

What should i say/do?

Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.

  • If he's acting like this now, I would seriously reconsider the marriage.  I would count on him acting like this regarding every expense the two of you will have together.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • i agree with pp. he's acting kind of selfish because it was his choice to get you such an expensive ring in the first place. he shouldn't expect the same out of you especially if you make less money and he definitely shouldn't make it a condition to get married. my fi wanted a ring but just to show that he's committed so i got him a $25 tungsten band that he loves. he could care less that it doesn't cost 3k like my ering.
  • My FI did this one, not rubbing it in my face but commenting on it...and I pretty much told him this "I didn't ask you to buy this ring, i didn't tell you to spend this much money on it, if you are worried about finances take the ring back- I don't want it"  I told him that he is not allowed to bring it up again because I didn't care if he spent $500 or $15,000 on it, the cost was his choice and thats it.  He never mentioned it again.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:a0b07fd5-a2de-45d6-9ed7-02f83732d2c3">Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]If he's acting like this now, I would seriously reconsider the marriage.  I would count on him acting like this regarding every expense the two of you will have together.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this entirely. The engagement ring was a gift. A gift with the promise to marry in return. Not a gift requiring a gift of equal monetary value. A marraige is about two working parts working together, not who is the bigger gear on the chain.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:38a78c05-2c00-4baa-99b3-2df9b5483d2c">Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I got an engagement ring from my now fiancee 1 1/2 years ago. I am not very material and i could have cared less how much it cost or even if it was tiny. In my opinion, the love you have for another does not show in how big the ring is. Anyways, ever since then, he constantly rubs in my face how expensive my ring was and that he expects the same for an engagement ring so he would marry me. No ring-no marriage. I am not sure what to do. he earns more than me and i cannot afford a ring for 12 k right now. Thats the one he wants. <strong>What should i say/do?
    </strong>Posted by tobygipsy[/QUOTE]

    Run.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • I agree with above pps.  Reconsider marriage.  An engagement ring is mostly for the promise.  Not a gift that you have to give him one of the same value in return.  He seems like a jerk.  Please reconsider marrying him.  He shouldn't be that obsessed about getting a ring, especially not one that expensive when he knows you make less.  My FI didn't care for an engagement ring for himself, but when it came to his wedding band he didn't want me spending a ton of money on it.  It's the promise he wants not the monetary value of the ring.
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  • edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:38a78c05-2c00-4baa-99b3-2df9b5483d2c">Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I got an engagement ring from my now fiancee 1 1/2 years ago. I am not very material and i could have cared less how much it cost or even if it was tiny. In my opinion, the love you have for another does not show in how big the ring is. Anyways, ever since then, he constantly rubs in my face how expensive my ring was and that he expects the same for an engagement ring so he would marry me. No ring-no marriage. I am not sure what to do. he earns more than me and i cannot afford a ring for 12 k right now. Thats the one he wants. What should i say/do?
    Posted by tobygipsy[/QUOTE]

    <div>Girl you need to take that ring off and give it back to him. If he wants a ring of equal value in return, then it wasn't a gift. It was a tool for him to try and make you feel obligated towards him. My fiance used to do this all the time while we were dating. He'd complain that he would always pay for everything and drive everywhere, and that I never paid for anything. So I told him that he shouldn't have taken me out if he didn't want to or have the money to do so! And then he gave me some excuse about how he's too proud to ask me to pay for dates and that I should have offered... Oh men...

    And since when did men start caring about the price of their wedding ring/band? Hopefully you guys are just going through an argument of some sort... but If he's really serious about you matching his price, then I don't know... sounds weird and fishy to me. I don't even think there are men's wedding bands close to 12k!? Maybe 1-2k? Closest I can think of is $999 from tungstenworld.com while I was shopping with my husband for his wedding band...</div>
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    A. I would definitely focus on the relationship as a whole. if he's this controlling about other things I think it's likely time to cut and run

    B. Pretty much no men's ring in the world is going to cost 12k. A very nice platinum one won't run more than 2-3k.
    Lizzie
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:25eebd4b-f228-4632-9845-dc4288d17ac3">Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is how I picture the future for OP and Mr. OP: Him:  I'm going to go buy myself a new car. Her:  We can't afford a new car.  We just had a baby.  And your car is only 2 years old. Him:  No.  YOU just had a baby and the total cost of your C-section and hospitalization was $35,000.  Therefore, I get to buy something equally expensive. Her:  But our insurance covered everything.  We only had to pay $500 out of pocket. Him:  But you got services WORTH $35,000 by virtue of being on MY insurance.  Wait a minute -- I forgot to factor in the increase in the premium that you cost me.  So now I can buy a $40,000 car.
    Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

    I love this :D
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  • That's not cool. I had an ex-fiance that constantly reminded me how much he spends on me (the ring, dinners, dates, etc.). It was like this thing in the relationship that said, in his mind, that he gets the last word on any decision we make as a couple. In other words, his way or the highway. I chose the highway, never looked back.

    I agree that this is an indicator of how the marriage will be in the future. Is this the kind of relationship you want? "I got you this, so you have to give me that."? 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:a0b07fd5-a2de-45d6-9ed7-02f83732d2c3">Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]If he's acting like this now, I would seriously reconsider the marriage.  I would count on him acting like this regarding every expense the two of you will have together.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I definitely agree. This is a bad sign of things to come. Please seriously consider if this is the best choice for you to be with him.

    </div>
  • Dump that jerk now. You deserve better. That engagement ring was supposed to be a gift to you representing his love and commitment when he asked you to spend your life with him. Expecting something material in return (especially something so expensive) and basing your future on whether or not he gets it is incredibly selfish and honestly disgusts me. Someone who truly loves you and is worth marrying wouldn't ever think to put a price tag on your future together.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:262703ba-49dc-4d51-88c1-26db1ade801b">Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one. : Run.
    Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

    Fast.
  • edited June 2012
    Uhhh...I'm speechless. Just tell him that you can't buy him one, and if he won't get married until you get him one, then you guess that you guys will just have to break up. Unless, of course, you want to buy him a ring....I'm not even going to comment on what I think of this relationship...
  • EC88EC88 member
    10 Comments
    If he really won't marry you until he gets one then he isn't being fair. Marriage is not about the money. He should not be treating you this way, especially since he must know that you don't have that kind of money.
  • edited June 2012
    Well, I did buy my fiance an engagement ring, but it wasn't a condition of him marrying me.  Your FI sounds insane.  (And controlling, particularly controlling over money, which is the real red flag here.)

    This isn't the middle ages.  Marriages are supposed to be based on mutual love and affection, not on how much money you can bring to the marriage.
  • Wow. Your fiance is beyond controlling and as PPs have said, please reconsider the marriage.
    My FI got me a beutiful ring that I adore, but he in no way expects one back from me. In fact, if I got him an engagement ring he'd probably be worried that I spent too much money on him. I got him (read: us) a trip to Vegas for his birthday that only cost about $600. He was upset that I had spent so much on his gift (even though it was really for both of us, lol).

    We never bicker over who spent what on whom because we both made those decisions to spend money on each other. I'd never expect him to get me a trip to Vegas just because I got him one.
  • I'm sorry to say this does not sound like a man you should be marrying. Some men wear engagement rings but I've never heard of a man demanding tit for tat. That's outrageous.
  • Run as fast as you can.  He sounds like a real jerk.
     
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:b1fb315d-a8fa-4398-8456-ba208727688c">Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Does anyone else wonder whether this ring demand is designed to make her break up with him so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy?
    Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

    No I was wondering that and my fiance said the same thing. Either that or he's trying to control her.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_did-you-buy-your-fiancee-an-engagement-ring-he-refuses-to-marry-me-unless-he-gets-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:e8f84545-5107-4296-9be1-4fad839473d7Post:b1fb315d-a8fa-4398-8456-ba208727688c">Re: Did you buy your fiancee an engagement ring? He refuses to marry me unless he gets one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Does anyone else wonder whether this ring demand is designed to make her break up with him so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy?
    Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

    Bad plan if he does.  As soon as she tells people why they broke up, she's going to look like the sensible one and he's going to look like the BSC controlling ass.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
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