Pre-wedded Invite issue

sarah0725 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:58b2de8c-9cb3-4ef4-ab7d-d32abb9a2857">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]We had all of our contracts written with some form of military clause in them. If Buddy should have been deployed pre-wedding (which now is extremely unlikely - I would say totally unlikely to happen at this point), we would get married in a nice little JOP, and our deposits would be refunded. Because our wedding wouldn't be taking place as planned. Because we'd already be married. That's as special as we went as a military couple, and that was more practicality than anything else. I'm not going to lie - if that would have happened, it would have been a TOTAL bummer. But that's what I'm signing up for - a lot of potential for some total bummers.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

Nah TJ, it doesn't sound like you understand what military brides go through AT ALL. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="Kiss" title="Kiss" />

temerityjane · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:313c7243-763e-4f93-8799-6b5e6f6d091c">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Exactly, entitled! If any woman no matter what the circumstances are, want to have the wedding of their dreams no one has any reason to rain on their parade. Every couple deserves to have their special day to celebrate their love with all of their family and friends they way that THEY WANT. If you don't think that's necessary, well that's your opinion, but why put down someone else's dream of being that "beautiful bride". Obviously being "the bride" is important to the women on here or they wouldn't be a part of a whole community of them. My whole point was, that there's no need for rudeness.
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]

Wow, you actually totally missed my point.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:313c7243-763e-4f93-8799-6b5e6f6d091c">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Exactly, entitled! If any woman no matter what the circumstances are, want to have the wedding of their dreams no one has any reason to rain on their parade. Every couple deserves to have their special day to celebrate their love with all of their family and friends they way that THEY WANT. If you don't think that's necessary, well that's your opinion, but why put down someone else's dream of being that "beautiful bride". Obviously being "the bride" is important to the women on here or they wouldn't be a part of a whole community of them. My whole point was, that there's no need for rudeness.
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]
You should try actually reading what we wrote before you post.

We didn't say she shouldn't have a day where she can wear the dress with all her friends and family there to celebrate with her.
All we said was to call it a vow renewal and not a wedding because techncially and legally it isn't a wedding.

sarah0725 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:313c7243-763e-4f93-8799-6b5e6f6d091c">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Exactly, entitled! If any woman no matter what the circumstances are, want to have the wedding of their dreams no one has any reason to rain on their parade. Every couple deserves to have their special day to celebrate their love with all of their family and friends they way that THEY WANT. If you don't think that's necessary, well that's your opinion, but why put down someone else's dream of being that "beautiful bride". Obviously being "the bride" is important to the women on here or they wouldn't be a part of a whole community of them. My whole point was, that there's no need for rudeness.
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]

Yeah, it's important to me, which is why I decided to WAIT THREE YEARS to save the money for a wedding and make sure that FI and I were in the same place location-wise to make sure our wedding could happen the way we wanted. I'm just not of fan of wanting it both ways.

DLuchner · July 2010

You should try reading the posts thoroughly b/c i did agree with the fact that it should be called a vow renewal also in my first post. The post didn't have anything to do with whoever said it should be called a vow renewal. it was about people's tact and rudeness and blatantly being mean about her being disappointed she wasn't able to have a wedding of her dreams.

temerityjane · July 2010

sarah - That's what really irritates me. It would have been so much easier over the last year AND so much easier for the next three months, if we had done what so many people do and "just signed some papers" a while back. Our living situation would have been different, we'd have more money, I'd have had health insurance, we wouldn't have been paralyzed with worry every time a new set of orders came out, on and on and on. I mean, it's just "signing some papers," right?

Some people may think we're ridiculous for holding out for the big wedding with so much benefit for just being married already, but we made a CHOICE. We picked one of two not totally pleasant options. Because adults do that.

I know I COULD HAVE done the same thing, so I don't really have any place to be irritated with those who choose it like I'm legally barred from taking the same path, but every time someone comes on her with their super special unique snowflake reasons for needing to "just do the legal part" early, ESPECIALLY military brides, it just grates.

Plus, seriously? If I feel like a first look would take away from my excitement walking down the aisle, WTF would already being MARRIED do? It's a farce. A vow renewal, sure, fine. But to put on a whole wedding? Farce. I'd feel ridiculous.

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:8f65c61d-2d52-47ab-8740-916b5d242db3">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]You should try reading the posts thoroughly b/c i did agree with the fact that it should be called a vow renewal also in my first post. The post didn't have anything to do with whoever said it should be called a vow renewal. it was about people's tact and rudeness and blatantly being mean about her being disappointed she wasn't able to have a wedding of her dreams.
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]
No one said she couldn't have it the way that she wanted. The problem is, the way that she wanted is to call it a wedding. That was the main theme of this whole thread. She asked what to call it, and we told her. She got upset and unintentionally was rude to people who do JOP.

What the OP wanted was validation to call it a wedding and when she didn't get it, she got upset. But there was another term she liked and everything was ok.

flutgrl1 · July 2010

I would assume your loved ones would be happy to celebrate with you no matter what wording you use.

sarah0725 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:6ee72c6e-f745-47ac-99e7-338ab59ec6ab">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]sarah - That's what really irritates me. It would have been so much easier over the last year AND so much easier for the next three months, if we had done what so many people do and "just signed some papers" a while back. Our living situation would have been different, we'd have more money, I'd have had health insurance, we wouldn't have been paralyzed with worry every time a new set of orders came out, on and on and on. I mean, it's just "signing some papers," right? Some people may think we're ridiculous for holding out for the big wedding with so much benefit for just being married already, but we made a CHOICE. We picked one of two not totally pleasant options. Because adults do that. I know I COULD HAVE done the same thing, so I don't really have any place to be irritated with those who choose it like I'm legally barred from taking the same path, but every time someone comes on her with their super special unique snowflake reasons for needing to "just do the legal part" early, ESPECIALLY military brides, it just grates. Plus, seriously? If I feel like a first look would take away from my excitement walking down the aisle, WTF would already being MARRIED do? It's a farce. A vow renewal, sure, fine. But to put on a whole wedding? Farce. I'd feel ridiculous.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

I'm right with you, lady. I mean, Charlie isn't in the military or anything, but we've given up a lot of comfort and happiness in the pursuit of our dreams, and when we actually get together and have our wedding and say the vows that will actually legally marry us in front of our family, that will be a very special moment. I don't understand why people don't feel like they need to make choices anymore.

Incidentally, I just explained this whole trend to my mom, who had a lovely backyard wedding in the 1970s which she put together for about $500 in about a three month engagement, and she just looked at me. Didn't even say anything. :)

temerityjane · July 2010

Fetus-Me attended my parents' wedding. Ahem. Sometimes, in planning my wedding, my mom has kind of wistfully said that she doesn't really know how such and such usually goes because she didn't have a big wedding (courthouse in a nice white skirt suit, small dinner & cake with close family after). If only she had known then that she could have had BOTH - no stigma for being unwed and pregnant and, later, when convenient, all the pomp and circumstance, too!

Adult choices are HARD. The thing is - I am sure you will agree - that if it wasn't, to some extent, about the WEDDING (the dress, the party, the attention, the specialness, walking down the aisle, and yes, to some extent, presents, the family & friends gathered from all around - all of it) - I would have JOP'd it by now. That's why I roll my eyes when the two-wedding brides insist that it's ONLY about having their friends and family around.

I could have gathered my close friends and family and been married and KTFU by now if that's all it was about! Spare me.

lisalou402 · July 2010

Flutgirl has it right. Who cares what they call it? Their entire guest list knows the deal.

Just celebrate and enjoy!

Congratulations!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:c8e843d1-cacb-4d88-89b3-6dac52e5fc28">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]t. All these woman that are tearing you up b/c you weren't satisfied with your courthouse marriage OBVIOUSLY have no clue what happens in the military world so pay no attention. When your loved one deploys, there are several reasons where it can be extremely important or imperative to be LEGALLY married. Just b/c you get LEGALLY married for this reason doesn't mean you aren't entitled to the beautiful wedding you always envisioned. Those of us that are understanding know what you mean and that you didn't mean anything offensive by it. Some people just need to take a deep breath and remember the cute lil saying "if you don't have anything nice to say..."
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]

<div>Back the truck up. There are several military brides on this board, TJ being one of them. Just because you face some hard circumstances doesn't mean you don't have choices. No one forced a gun to her head and told her to go to the courthouse. Wedding have been planned in month, or even weeks before. Real, elaborate weddings. I know someone who planned a wedding in 6 weeks. She even had a dress custom-made. Or she could accept the fact that being married to her husband is worth more than a big party and a fluffy dress. Or at the very least accept that signing the papers - you know, that tiny, legally binding document which the government uses to asses things like survivor's benefits, inheritance, taxes, power of attorney, etc, etc - was her WEDDING and she is now having a VOW RENEWAL. If that doesn't sit well with her - well, too late now.</div><div>
</div><div>No one is entitled to anything. Really. Anything.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:6ee72c6e-f745-47ac-99e7-338ab59ec6ab">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people may think we're ridiculous for holding out for the big wedding with so much benefit for just being married already, but we made a CHOICE. We picked one of two not totally pleasant options. Because adults do that. I know I COULD HAVE done the same thing, so I don't really have any place to be irritated with those who choose it like I'm legally barred from taking the same path, but every time someone comes on her with their super special unique snowflake reasons for needing to "just do the legal part" early, ESPECIALLY military brides, it just grates. Plus, seriously? If I feel like a first look would take away from my excitement walking down the aisle, WTF would already being MARRIED do? It's a farce. A vow renewal, sure, fine. But to put on a whole wedding? Farce. I'd feel ridiculous.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>THIS is why I love you so much.

</div>

luckyme502 · July 2010

I was a military bride. In 1996 we were planning a big wedding for summer 1997. He got orders for deployment to Bosnia. We got married in August 1996, at the courthouse in Germany. We cancelled the big wedding, because, wait for it, we were already married. That was the choice we made. It was more important for us to be married, than to have the big wedding.

missfish · July 2010

I am in a similar boat to OP (or will be anyway). We just had a long post on the Nov'10 board about this... I live in Australia with my Aussie FI. My family and friends (who make up 99.9% of our wedding guests) are all in the US. Due to legal reasons concerning immigration and customs, we are having a legal ceremony here in Oz and a big celebration (with vows, dress, bridal party, the whole thing) in the US. I'm not registered and my mother has been spreading the word on NO GIFTS (it would be impossible to bring things back with us). Also FFIL is too ill to make the 23 hour flight back to my hometown, so we originally came up with this idea as a way to include him in our wedding celebration, it was only after researching online, that we discovered a hiccup in our plans, that we would have trouble getting married in the US. By the way I have been planning this wedding for a year, and only realized this week. Sucky situation to be in, but we're going to make the best of it, and as for the wording we'll probably use something like 'exchanges vows'.

MobKaz · July 2010

WOW---I thought brides were supposed to be happy people!

I have to agree with DLuchner and all the other writers who simply addressed the main question and left any drama, "baggage", bitterness, or sour grapes at the door. I too, have read many of these threads where brides are attacked for simply trying to have a question answered. If you don't like the question, or can't answer it without hostility....walk away from it.

I wish you luck and joy in your wedding celebration, both the planning and the party! The recommendations of using "celebration of love" , or even something along the lines of "witnessing the exchange of vows (or even re-exchanging) makes it clear that the joy is in the witnessing and co-celebration.

I would like to thank your spouse for his service to our country. His willingness to serve affords us the liberties we enjoy daily-----even the freedom to be mean, hurtful, catty, or judgmental.

Knittibell · July 2010

Call it a vow renewal- you can have everything you want, except a registry.

temerityjane · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:d055746f-8b36-4762-a415-aa240a13a245">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Some will call you attention-whoring or being gift-grabby, but they don't need all the trimmings for their weddings either, so they're no better.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

No better, except for, you know, not being married yet.

temerityjane · July 2010

Exactly. Call it a vow renewal because it's not a wedding.

Though personally, I still think having attendants, putting on the white dress, and walking down the aisle towards your already-husband is kind of a joke.

temerityjane · July 2010

You mean my attitude towards married women who put on a marriage play for all their friends and family? Is that the attitude you're talking about?

AutumnnBride08 · July 2010

To all the ladies who made suggestions, I thank you for your help and understanding. This was my first post on this site, and all I was looking for was cute & creative ways of wording invitations and save the dates, I certainly was not here to knock military weddings, courtroom weddings, or start a huge controversy about what is a wedding and who is allowed to have them and who is not. So to the people who understood that and were courteous, I thank you. I can also say that this is CERTAINLY my last post on this site.

mhande · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:88386989-0e5b-448f-b5ed-642f58079df8">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]If nothing else - if nothing else at ALL - isn't the idea of a MARRIED WOMAN in a big white wedding gown hilariously strange?
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

Um, no! I've seen it at every wedding reception I've been to! You don't plan to wear a beautiful gown when you celebrate having made a commitment to your husband?

Not all wedding receptions immediately follow a wedding. So what's wrong with delaying the reception for a year? And what's wrong with preceding it with a ceremony to declare the love they have for each other in the presence of friends and family? And what's wrong with choosing to word their invitations the way THEY want, rather than they way some jerks on a message board demand?

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