living with your SO

JMessier87 · March 2011

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and we have lived together for the past 2 years. However, before that when we were in college, we basically lived together because we were always staying over each other's dorms! I definitely think this is a decision for each individual couple. Living together before marriage has definitely worked for us, and I am glad that married life isn't going to be such a big transition.

marleylikeair · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:007a2bec-df39-45fe-af6e-b2a47bb132aa">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]Marley, you're brilliant, as usual. I also tend to believe that those studies use funky statistics. I find it odd that sample size, etc are never visible when you look them up on the internet. And no one ever asked me.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

::blushes:: Aw, thanks, Peek! Yeah, I think there are lots of studies out there that are questionable. I'm the girl who listens to the results of a new study on the radio and yells at the broadcaster. "DUH, because your samples also x, y, or z!"

Beth, thanks for fleshing out the premise of the studies you've read! I wasn't aware of all that. I agree--pretty ridiculous to assign that reason to the whole group. I still say those are the couples whose relationships just weren't strong or functional enough to work out for the long haul anyway.

marleylikeair · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:9b0007a1-fe83-4da4-9d90-021acb81abe2">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]I lived with an ex through part of college and vowed I would never live with someone before marriage again. However, that was a very personal decision that involved a lot of issues with that particular relationship. Flash forward to today, FI and I will not be living together before we are married. I understand why other people decide to live together before marriage, but it is not for us. IMO,<strong> what on earth could FI possibly do in his living environment that would make me so upset that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore? I expect that there will be little things that will bother me that I don't notice when visiting him, but do I honestly believe that they are total deal breakers that we can't work though? Definitely not. </strong>I understand completely why people believe that it's important to live together before marriage, but having been there and things didn't work out so well, I would rather avoid that situation again. It's all a matter of personal preference and I respect other people's decisions.
Posted by KayGB2012[/QUOTE]

KayGB, I hear what you're saying, and I totally respect and understand your point of view.

FWIW, I think it's not necessarily little habits (like the way my BF drives me NUTS leaving the cap off of the toothpaste EVERY SINGLE MORNING). It's sharing space in general, sharing expenses, agreeing to various compromises, agreeing to who will do what around the house/apartment, adjusting to one another's schedule and sleep patterns, agreeing to major decisions about the house or apartment (everything from redecorating to where to keep various items to pets)... the list goes on and on. (Kay, I'm musing in general, not singling you out here!)

It's a whole different world when you live together versus not living together. The relationships that have the legs to go the distance will be tested, but not irreperably damaged, by the things I mentioned and more. The relationships that don't will often end, in part due to how hard it is to do these things with someone who isn't truly right for you.

It's also about raising things to another level of committment beyond just dating and living apart. When a couple takes that next step, both parties should be happy about it, and it should work fairly well, with some work and some compromise. If that's not the case, they may find out that their SO isn't the right person to make a full committment to by marrying them.

I tend to feel that these things depend in part on compatibility and in part on the depth of a couple's love for, appreciation of, and committment to one another. Sometimes when you move in and begin to make all these decisions together, and things get a little tough, it's all about how you react to the challenge. Compatibility will help you with the process of working through things; love and committment will give you the energy and sense of purpose needed to do so at all. Sometimes, I think that once a couple moves in together, they find that one or both of these components isn't present, or isn't strong enough, to make it all worth it.

Also, Kay, isn't it possible that it wasn't the living together that made your prior experience such a negative one, but the fact that your ex just wasn't the right person for you?

JMessier, I'm gonna say this not so much for your benefit, but just because I think it should be said: staying over at each other's place is soooo not the same as living together--even if you spend very little time apart. Especially if it's a dorm situation. In my many years of experience, I've learned that sharing space in a dorm is completely different than in an apartment or house.

In general, I still don't think living together is absolutely necessary or will definitely make or break a marriage. I'm not saying everyone should or shouldn't do it. I'm not saying that not knowing everything about a person or about how you'll cohabit will mean you can't have a very happy, functional relationship after getting married and moving in together. I just personally think it's a good idea.

I don't mean to sound preachy here, so I hope I don't. I just feel strongly about this. So, just my two cents. Well, two dollars, considering how wordy I've gotten here. Sorry, all. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

[Deleted User] · March 2011

I think cohabitation is a very personal decision. I am open to the idea, but BF feels strongly that we should not live together before marriage. Since he feels so strongly, we are waiting. If you communicate well and openly discuss finances, cleaning, children & discipline, future goals, etc. - there is no reason moving in together should make or break the relationship, before or after marriage.

I do feel strongly that each person should have personal goals for themselves that they want to achieve before moving in with their SO. Especially for women, I think it's important to know that you can support yourself - regardless of your relationship status. I have a strong career, purchased my own condo, consistently paid my own bills and have very little debt (home and car loans are it). Having achieved my personal goals, I feel I am not only better prepared to enter into a long-term relationship - I also have more to give that person. PLUS, I have the confidence and self worth to know that I do not need someone else to support me. Therefore I would never be tempted to move in with someone for those reasons.

trebmal · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:58653f64-7c5b-4ca5-906f-2d5b047a285c">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it's something everyone has to do, but it was a personal requirement for me. I moved in with FI after only 7 months of dating (I practically lived there from the day we met) and we've been living together for almost 2 years now. I like that nothing will really change when we get married except for my last name and jewelry because we're already adjusted to living together, paying bills together, cleaning together, etc. However, I don't try to convince people that they have to live together before marriage...if you don't want to, don't...if you want to, do it.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
THis...times a million. We did the same thing practically. Our marriage will be the same way as far as a name change for me and a couple of rings. We had a tough spot a couple months ago and we continually work on "us".
I will point out that my BF wanted us to live together because he feels he would've avoided a divorce before if he'd have lived with his ex. He would've never married her had he lived with her and seen her true self. She was a completely different person once they were married and moved in together. I know this isn't the only time that's happened. I've known of females (and males) who put on one heck of a show to get to their goal of marriage and/or cohabitation and then flake out as soon as they get what they want.
Now there might be a lot of circumstances to that that I am unaware of because it was 8 years ago that they were married and they dated for three years before he proposed but they were married eighteen months before they split because they just weren't compatible. Sadly they had a 9 month old daughter by that point and BF found out he'd been getting cheated on for at least that long and had to go through not only a divorce but paternity tests as well.
Anyway, rant over, just wanted to share a personal experience on this one. But have to agree, it's going to be different for everyone. I agree that the stats on it are ri-damn-diculous in a lot of ways also. For me, I go with the car example, too, if you don't try it, how do you really know you want to buy it. Sorry to ramble...

jaycee7389 · March 2011

a lot of PPs said that they are excited to not have a huge transition between non-married life and not living together, to married life and living together. I completely agree. The BF and I moved in together after realizing we both wanted to get married in the future when it was right for us. We had a very strong relationship prior, and after purchasing a condo together it was rough for a few months. It was absolutely a big adjustment, and even though we discussed finances, cleaning, etc prior to the move it was just not as simple as it seemed when we discussed it. After those first few months of getting adjusted all of those issues were behind us and we have been extremely happy since. I am so so happy that when we do get married our first few months or more of married life won't be an adjustment phase.

KayGB2012 · March 2011

Marley, I agree that it was not living together that made my previous BF and I break up. It was already a bad relationship to begin with but we decided to move in together anyways. A mistake, yes, but one that I learned from.

Before living with ex bf, I was convinced that people should live together before marriage. I still think it's a great idea if that's what the couple wishes to do, but I no longer see it as being entirely necessary. Ex bf was not the person for me and I would have seen that whether or not we lived together.

The only thing that I think is vitally important to do before living together is really talk about where your relationship is going from there. Do you plan on getting married? Do you have a timeline for when you'd like to get married? Are you okay with just cohabitating and never marrying? (Not that there is any problem whatsoever with that option)

My biggest mistake was to move in together believing that cohabitating was our first step towards getting married. I learned the hard way that some people don't see cohabitating as being a huge step, which is extremely unfortunate.

FI and I are long distance and have been for the past several months. Even if we wished to, it's just not realistic for us to live together before marriage. Now that FI and I are engaged and have a timeline for marriage, I would probably consider living together if we lived in the same town. It has always been extremely important for me personally to have a common understanding of marriage in the near future before cohabitating again.

Again, all of this is just my personal choice from past experiences. I definitely don't feel that living together "ruins" relationships, but I also don't believe that it's necessary to live together in order to have a successful marriage. Living together is a personal choice for each individual couple.

singing_lyn · March 2011

I agree with many other posters that it's a personal decision. My sister that's getting married in June would never dream of it and another older sister didn't either and has now been married over 10 years. I however have lived with one other boyfriend before my current SO and with my previous boyfriend things came to light that just made our relationship not work out. With my current SO there are things that have come to light as well, but we've been able to work through them. I'm not saying it's not hard, but being married doesn't make it any easier. I've gone completely against my family with living with someone before I'm married as they're very religious and don't agree with it, but they've come to accept it. And with my current SO even though we're not engaged or married yet, my family has accepted him as if we are married all ready.

AudgiePodge · March 2011

I've lived with 5 SOs. I am a harlot.

jaycee7389 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:c2ced3ab-39fa-41aa-b644-002f40ca6931">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]I've lived with 5 SOs. I am a harlot.
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

lol

marleylikeair · March 2011

Holy crap, Sun. I'm so sorry all that happened to you. I didn't know any of that until now.

::hugs::

dancinditzcoley · March 2011

I couldn't imagine living without my FI. Our relationship got very serious very fast. Two days before our first scheduled date he called to tell me hd had been in an accident at work. Fast fwd a two months and he had to have surgery on his shoulder. I had an apartment at school but started staying over to help him with everything and when my sublet was up I moved my belongings back to my moms but ended up staying at FIs more than not, If anyone had told me I'd be living with my (then) bf and his parents after such a short time I would have told them they were crazy. It just kind of happened. We'll be together two years this may and probably living with his parents for another year or so until we have enou saved for both our wedding and a down payment on a house. While my situation is a bit unorthodox and I wish we had our own space I love living with my FI. He is my best friend and with our crazy work schedules we'd never be able to find the time to see each other. It has def helped our relationship. As upset as I was I didn't get the financial aid I needed to stay on campus that extra semester, being with my FI everyday has kade our relationship what it is. I agree it's a personal choice but I don't think it "ruins" what marriage is.

ravenray · March 2011

Sun I am so sorry that happened to you! I am glad you got out of it and now live happily and healthily with your FI.

Yaya for happy endings.
I, on the other hand, will not be living BF at any point in our relationship except marriage. However this is a personal/religious choice. People need to do what is best for their relationships, and it is different for everyone.

living with your SO

Re: living with your SO

Choose Another Board

Search Boards