Mentally handicapped "children"

Bron&J · March 2012

I think those of us with autistic friends and family know what a very wide range of capabilities and challenges "autism" covers. My brother, for example, could never make a speech at my wedding. He is not even capable of attending family functions because it disrupts the routine that is so important to him.

If this woman would be invited to your wedding were she not autistic then I think you should invite her. If not, then don't. Good luck to you.

RealHappyGal · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:bd687c01-2a80-44dc-8276-829722e5c669">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mentally handicapped "children" : This is the question that I haven't been able to get answered.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

IMO...and Im usually against the trend here but, whatever. If FI doesnt have a special relationship with the daughter I dont see why she needs to be invited anyway...

ETA: different than people on here who have brothers/sisters ect with special needs or behavioral problems.

TheFutureMrsFreckles · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:03591883-33fe-480f-9d8d-b24d29b726cf">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]Also I understand you weren't trying to be insulting, but as someone with physical differences, it is very hurtful to be treated differently. This woman has probably had very few breaks in her life, I don't think it's too much to cut her one.
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

<div>I imagine you knew you'd get responses like this; The thing is, from the way you've explained it, this 26 yr old gal isn't going to be disappointed if she isn't invited; I understand she's dependent on her mother, but has the woman (her mom) never had a night out in 26 years?! If you would prefer she not bring her daughter, that is FINE. It really is. Especially since there is a likely chance your ceremony could be disrupted. This isn't you being rude; and it doesn't sound like you're close to her daughter anyway. They are not attached at the hip, regardless of her disability. There is no way she hasn't left her daughter home or with a friend for a night in 26 years. This isn't a sunday at church; it's a once in a lifetime set of vows. It's simple as only inviting the mother; it's rude if she assumes she can bring another guest, again, regardless of disability. Whew, long response!</div>

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:a1c26f24-fc96-44d8-897c-3d83db2d45ea">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mentally handicapped "children" : I imagine you knew you'd get responses like this; The thing is, from the way you've explained it, this 26 yr old gal isn't going to be disappointed if she isn't invited; I understand she's dependent on her mother, but has the woman (her mom) never had a night out in 26 years?! If you would prefer she not bring her daughter, that is FINE. It really is. Especially since there is a likely chance your ceremony could be disrupted. This isn't you being rude; and it doesn't sound like you're close to her daughter anyway. They are not attached at the hip, regardless of her disability. There is no way she hasn't left her daughter home or with a friend for a night in 26 years. This isn't a sunday at church; it's a once in a lifetime set of vows. It's simple as only inviting the mother; it's rude if she assumes she can bring another guest, again, regardless of disability. Whew, long response!
Posted by TheFutureMrsFreckles[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. Honestly, I find the majority of responses shocking. I don't think OP ought to be obligated to invite anyone that is known to be disruptive, regardless of the reason. Particularly when the person in question is the daughter of a friend. This idea that everyone needs to suck it up and deal with a disruptive person is pretty ridiculous. What about people like me, who suffer with anxiety, where loud noise is a trigger? Why should OP have to contend with that on her wedding day?

I don't think the responses here are reasonable.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:827014c9-b74c-40b9-8342-2204ad11dc69">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mentally handicapped "children" : Bad example. Poli posted before the OP came back to try to explain some more.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Yeah, after I found an example I saw that you changed your response...originally you said I was the first to bring up her insensitivity to wording, then you changed to "after she came back to reply"...so yes, everyone seemed to come around after she responded herself....like I said, not trying to start something...

vikingmom806 · March 2012

I agree with daffodil, and the like. Especially if the mother is the family friend. There really isn't an obligtion for you to invite someone who is not close to anyone in the family, even more so if that somone is very likely to disrupt your ceremony.

Yeah, some people will say it's rude and whatnot, but honestly, you have the right to silence and no disruptions on your wedding ceremony - "rude" or not.

You didn't invite children on the basis that they can be disruptive. If someone else is disruptive, I'd think the same applies: You really don't want interruptions and distractions at your wedding ceremony, regardless of who their coming from.

That being said, is there a way that she could possibly attend just the reception? I understand that you may not want her present on your day at all, and that is your personal choice, but you might be able to smooth over some hard feelings and keep yourself from future in-law/friend tension by attempting to be diplomatic and inviting her to the party.

Good luck!

andrea2473 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:e960b691-db99-405f-b6c7-97a837166b70">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this lady's (the 26 year old) invitation ONLY being considered BECAUSE she is autistic. If she was not autistic, just the 26yr old daughter, living a normal life, not needing assistance would she had been invited?? Because it seems that the mother is the friend of the family....
Posted by RealHappyGal[/QUOTE]

I know I'm late, but I have a response to this. I think this question is actually irrelevant. Had the daughter not been born with autism, she would be a different person (personality-wise) with different social dynamics and it's hard to tell whether or not she would be a close enough friend to be invited. There is no way to know.

LeiselEB · March 2012

To some of the later responses:

I agree that if she doesn't want to invite this person, she doesn't have to. But the OP didn't ask "is it okay to only invite the mom and not the grown daughter?" OP was asking for ways to tell the mom that she didn't want the daughter at the ceremony because the daughter has autism and will be disruptive and make noise and cause a scene and ruin the video.

She was basing her decision not to invite this woman on the woman's autism, not on any other factor, and was then looking for advice on how to tell the mom this reasoning without sounding rude. To me, that's not the same as asking whether or not someone needs to be invited.

OP: Like I said before, you don't need to invite her. You don't want her there, don't invite her - but don't blame it on autism.

chattychiqa · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:0b9b3b4c-50f2-4f35-88f8-b767af71ef85">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Calling an adult a child because of their challenges</strong> is incredibly insulting. Your wedding should be about having the people you love there, not staging an uninterrupted performance. Honestly, if I were the mother and knew that you were talking about my daughter this way, I wouldn't want to come to your wedding.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

Is that what she meant? I interpreted it as they're a child (technically) of the guest but an adult child.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:d12d77ff-b4e4-45e9-91c2-52749cd28043">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mentally handicapped "children" : I agree with this. Honestly, I find the majority of responses shocking. I don't think OP ought to be obligated to invite anyone that is known to be disruptive, regardless of the reason. Particularly when the person in question is the daughter of a friend. This idea that everyone needs to suck it up and deal with a disruptive person is pretty ridiculous. What about people like me, who suffer with anxiety, where loud noise is a trigger? Why should OP have to contend with that on her wedding day? I don't think the responses here are reasonable.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

100% agree. A lot of the responses in this thread are ridiculous. It's obvious that the OP is concerned about the behavior and not the person or the fact that she is autistic. It seems as though she hit on a hot button for some of you with her verbiage and you grabbed on to that and refused to think about anything else.

Maybe I'm an insensitive asshole, but I don't understand how this is different than not inviting children because they would be loud during the ceremony. A disruption is a disruption and I'm pretty sure that if this were about a 4 year old girl, there would be no question about what advice we would give her.

mrszeno34 · March 2012

There's going to be lots of factors on the wedding day that you can't control. Someone could get drunk and act crazy. Someone could knock over vase of flowers. Someone could bring a date who turns out to be obnoxious. Someone could spill red wine on your dress, you could have crazy weather, your cake is vanilla instead of chocolate.... not inviting someone because they might make a noise or start wandering around, isn't going to guarantee every single little thing goes perfectly. Basically it just guarantees hurt feelings at best, and relationship-ending offense at worst. Let it go. This woman could not make a peep, but Uncle So-and-so has one of his world-famous sneezing fits during the ceremony... try and relax, enjoy the day, and be grateful for the love of your friends and family, whatever their circumstances...

LeiselEB · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:51869e49-b39b-45b8-ae25-c93b5ac6b0d0">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mentally handicapped "children" : Is that what she meant? I interpreted it as they're a child (technically) of the guest but an adult child.
Posted by chattychiqa[/QUOTE]

It is what she meant. She said in a later post that she used the word child to make sure we understood what the woman's mental capacities were. You're giving the OP too much benefit of the doubt :)

AngelRiddle · March 2012

I said "peace" as a good-bye thing as I wanted to step away and ponder what everyone had said for a bit before coming back. Thanks to those who are understanding of this though. I appreciate it.

I can see how one would think it insulting for calling a 26-year-old a child, and I apologize for that. That was very poor wording on my part.

I would invite her regardless of autism. I thought I had answered the question by saying it's not the disability, it's the behavior. I do not know her well, but there is another daughter who is a good friend of my fiance's and is not disabled. That being said, it would be awkward and even more rude to invite the mother, the daughter, but not the autistic daughter.

I did not mention the father before because the mother is still very bitter about him, so him taking care of her would be a last resort.

After talking it over with my FI, I told him I would be inviting her too, but this time it's him who doesn't want her there. *sigh* I already have high anxiety issues and he's ADD...you tell me how distracting and unnerving unnecessary noise during one of the most important moments of your life is.

I've thought about just having the girl at the reception too. She would have a good time with that. We'll have to see how her mother feels about that and what the girl can do in the meantime.

At this point, we're just going to get input from his parents on it since they're the ones who want the mother there in the first place.

mwiederhold · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:d12d77ff-b4e4-45e9-91c2-52749cd28043">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mentally handicapped "children" : I agree with this. Honestly, I find the majority of responses shocking. I don't think OP ought to be obligated to invite anyone that is known to be disruptive, regardless of the reason. Particularly when the person in question is the daughter of a friend. This idea that everyone needs to suck it up and deal with a disruptive person is pretty ridiculous. What about people like me, who suffer with anxiety, where loud noise is a trigger? Why should OP have to contend with that on her wedding day? I don't think the responses here are reasonable.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

was waiting for a supportive response like this! OP did clearly say no children and for that reason I would assume to minimize disruptions children are notorious for and if adult children or mentally challenged fall into that category, they need not attend. I personally would not want to tollerate a disruptive outburst taking place during my ceremony so I guess call me insensitive.

LetsHikeToday · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:9cb388ba-fe47-4877-a8bf-98533ad4d9c8">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]I said "peace" as a good-bye thing as I wanted to step away and ponder what everyone had said for a bit before coming back. Thanks to those who are understanding of this though. I appreciate it. I can see how one would think it insulting for calling a 26-year-old a child, and I apologize for that. That was very poor wording on my part. I would invite her regardless of autism. <strong> I thought I had answered the question by saying it's not the disability, it's the behavio</strong>r. I do not know her well, but there is another daughter who is a good friend of my fiance's and is not disabled. That being said, it would be awkward and even more rude to invite the mother, the daughter, but not the autistic daughter. I did not mention the father before because the mother is still very bitter about him, so him taking care of her would be a last resort. After talking it over with my FI, I told him I would be inviting her too, but this time it's him who doesn't want her there. *sigh* I already have high anxiety issues and he's ADD...you tell me how distracting and unnerving unnecessary noise during one of the most important moments of your life is. I've thought about just having the girl at the reception too. She would have a good time with that. We'll have to see how her mother feels about that and what the girl can do in the meantime. At this point, we're just going to get input from his parents on it since they're the ones who want the mother there in the first place.
Posted by AngelRiddle[/QUOTE]

<div>But the behavior is because of the disability so it IS the disability that is making you (or your fiance) not want to invite her to the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>ADD or not, I didn't notice one sound during my ceremony, except for the JOP saying our vows and my H and I speaking. Seriously. </div><div>
</div><div>I think it's really rude to invite her to the reception only. I would hate to hear, "Hi ______, I just wanted to let you know your daughter is invited to our reception but not our ceremony. Why? Well, because of her behavior." Especially, when the rest of the family, other daughter included, is invited to everything. </div>

mvhawkins · March 2012

At the end of the day, you shouldn't have to risk totally enjoying your ceremony because of one person. The mother will need to just understand.

LeiselEB · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mentally-handicapped-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f9e41ea-af9e-4314-8744-c2dc58d8175fPost:6b7b54f0-6adc-483d-b5a7-d7463032c0dc">Re: Mentally handicapped "children"</a>:
[QUOTE]At the end of the day, you shouldn't have to risk totally enjoying your ceremony because of one person. The mother will need to just understand.
Posted by mvhawkins[/QUOTE]

<div>With that logic, everyone should get married with absolutely no one present. </div>

Mentally handicapped "children"

Re: Mentally handicapped &quot;children&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Mentally handicapped &quot;children&quot;

Re: Mentally handicapped &amp;quot;children&amp;quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Mentally handicapped "children"

Re: Mentally handicapped "children"