Wedding Party Woes - what to do???

bkilinc · March 2010

We are two weeks away from our wedding and very excited. We have booked a beautiful venue and have been working on details for the last two years. My fiance selected three close friends as his best man & groomsmen and they are great. He selected three because I had decided to keep my MOH and BMs as family only. My sister is my MOH and her two teenage daughters are my BMs. Over the last few years my nieces have been difficult. My sister & ex H had a nasty divorce and neither have been ideal parents. Throughout this time my nieces have been very dramatic, arguing with family members and have thrown out ultimatums - I'm never coming back unless you apologize...
For the last 6 months everything had calmed down and they have been getting along with everyone quite well.
Yesterday, my younger niece came to my parents house to try on her BM dress. She was talking trash about her mom (my sister) and telling my mom (her grandmother) that her dad was so much better. My mom asked her to stop and that she didn't want to hear it anymore. My niece got very angry and started screaming at my mom. She then said 'I'm leaving and if you don't call me and apologize I am never coming back to this house.'.
I'm so frustrated with this at this point and am now planning to have a discussion with both the girls to remind them that this is MY wedding and that they don't get to call the shots. If they are not willing to put all this bitterness, drama and fighting aside I think I should ask them to no longer be a part of the wedding.
Do you think this is bridezilla-ish or is it fair? My sister, unfortunately is not much help in getting the girls to calm down, but she will not cause any drama at the wedding. I'm not sure of what else to do, but I am concerned that my nieces might fly off the handle and refuse to show up or make a scene the day of the wedding.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Here's some perspective: One of the regs on this board, emilyinchile, lives in Santiago. She's getting married this weekend. Her WP may not be able to come because the airport is shut down and they're all flying in from the US. This is not a calamity. What happened to her is.

Just tell them that they need to behave themselves for the wedding and if they can't handle that they are welcome to attend as guests. But don't go into "this is MY day" because only bridezillas use that phrase to get other people to fall in line.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

It doesn't sound like they're involving your wedding in any way, they're just acting like teenage girls going through a huge change in family dynamic in addition to the usual high school dramatics. Don't kick them out. If they do act up at the wedding to the point where it will disturb other guests, have a family member, maybe your dad or an uncle, give them one warning and then escort them outside.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Also, teenagers will not be swayed by being told to think of the effect of their behaviour on others. Don't you remember being a teenager? We were all overly dramatic and believed the world revolved around us.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

They sound like normal teenagers to me. If I were you, I'd have a talk with them privately about how much it means to you that they are in your wedding, and how you are looking forward to spending a wonderful day with them.

These kids have enough negative in their lives, which they are trying to project onto others for stress relief. Give them something positive to look forward to, and make sure they know that you value them.

emilyinchile · March 2010

Aww, thanks Brooke!

OP, this has nothing to do with your wedding. Your niece was wrong and should apologize to your mom. If she doesn't, then figure out on your wedding day whether or not you're ok with her standing up for you regardless. It sounds like she might not even come to the wedding if she doesn't hear what she wants from your mom, so this might be a moot point. But the issue right now is your niece's behavior, it's not about your WP. There's no reason you need to know what you're going to do right this second, so don't make the situation worse by making it about you - your mom is a big girl, and she can deal with her granddaughter as she sees fit.

bkilinc · March 2010

Interesting responses. Just to clarify - the have both been threatening to not show up to the wedding because they are upset with one family member or another over the last year. The youngest niece also threw this out while yelling at my mom, I understand that they are teenagers, but I still think this is unacceptable behavior. It sounds like everyone thinks I should just not worry whether or not my two BMs will or won't show up on our wedding day. The main question is if you have or had 2/3 of your side of the wedding party fighting and threatening to not come throughout the planning process do you keep them in the WP or do you just ask them to be guests. I think they should consider that it's our day and they need to keep their drama out of it if they are standing up for us. Is that no longer a fair request???

bkilinc · March 2010

and I do understand that this isn't the worst thing in the world - I am not projecting it to be - I just wanted some opinions and to see if anyone else had experienced this type of situation. My FI's sister died unexpectedly and isn't going to be with us on our day which is far harder than dealing with this.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

I think that if they don't want to come, they won't come, whether they are guests or BMs, so that's a moot point. Stripping them of their BM title will DEFINITELY cause them to not show up.

banana468 · March 2010

I think talking to them about their behavior but not as WP is fine.

I wouldn't discuss things with them as BMs. Instead, I'd talk to them as a family issue.

If THEY say, "If this happens then I won't be there," then do what we say to other brides: Say, "I'll miss you, but the guest list will not be changing."

mandybear7 · March 2010

Meh, call their bluff. If they don't come, they are going to be the ones to regret it later in life. As pp said, they clearly are acting out as a result of their parents' split. If they act out at the wedding, have your mom (their grandma) talk to them.

bkilinc · March 2010

thanks everyone - I'll have a conversation with them about their behavior and see what happens. In the meanwhile I'll ask two of my close friends if they will stand in if need be.

banana468 · March 2010

PLEASE do not ask anyone to "stand in".

Replacement bridesmaids just aren't cool to the replacements or to the ones they are replacing.

Add if you want - but do not replace.

emilyinchile · March 2010

Yes, they should keep their drama out of your day. But today isn't your day, and asking them now will probably just cause more drama (which would be wrong on their part, but it also sounds pretty likely, so it would be wise of you to avoid it).

Don't ask replacements. That's a crappy move to pull. If they don't show, just have your sister up there with you. There's no reason you can't have uneven sides.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

I threatened do or not to do so many things when I was a teenager I lost count of them. I bet anything they shape up in time for the wedding. Let them threaten. They're hoping to get sympathy or some other concession out of you. It's what teenagers do. Just say, "Well, X will be there, so we'll miss you if you decide not to come." They won't follow through. And if they do, it's one less drama queen to deal with on the wedding day.

trix1223 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:de5df836-d815-46a3-b62b-1769b68afb81Post:c3e9ae91-631a-4b0e-a4e5-91a1e3ddf85e">Re: Wedding Party Woes - what to do???</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks everyone - I'll have a conversation with them about their behavior and see what happens. In the meanwhile I'll ask two of my close friends if they will stand in if need be.
Posted by bkilinc[/QUOTE]

Why exactly do you think you need someone to "stand in"? BMs don't really do anything but walk down the aisle and stand during the ceremony. It's not like your wedding can't take place if you don't have the same number of BMs as GMs.

You don't NEED understudies. If your nieces don't show, you have fewer BMs. That's all. WPs are NOT about symmetry. Don't call replacements.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Please don't have stand ins. It lets them know they are second string. So not a good feeling to have. It puts form over substance.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

Good idea to have a conversation with them about their behavior in the context of the family dynamics (and not in the context of it having anything to do with your wedding).

Not a good idea to call in understudies 2 weeks before the wedding. That doesn't send a good message to your neices and it doesn't send a good message to your friends - if you'd wanted them as BMs you would have asked them months ago.

BMs aren't going to do anything besides stand up there during the ceremony and maybe give a toast (although anyone can do that at the reception). You don't NEED to have reinforcements waiting in the wings. Worst case scenario, the girls don't come and you have one person standing with you and your FI has his GMs. You'll still be married at the end of the day.
Remember, though, it's probably not likely they'll actually boycott your wedding - teen girls (esp ones going through a big family upheaval) can say alot of things they don't really mean or follow through on - chances are high they're blowing off frustration and letting out their hurt by threatening not to come / saying hurtful things.

mbcdefg · March 2010

Don't call in stand-in bridesmaids. If the teens drop out, then just go on with whoever you have left.

If someone wasn't good enough to make the cut the first time around, then it's rude to ask her to be a stand-in since other people dropped out.

Wedding Party Woes - what to do???

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