Hello and Help Please!

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

Hi, I just got engaged a few weeks ago and I've run into my first snag in planning. Let's see if I can explain this simply without writing a novel. I'll try and keep it short, sweet and to the point.

My fiances mom is transgendered and she had a sex change when she was 18. I should note that fiance is adopted. My parents want to meet fiances parents but they're very closed minded. If I had come to them and said I was gay or transgendered I would've been thrown out of the house immediately. I am tempted to not say anything to them about fiances mom being transgendered but if my parents found out that a transgendered person was in their home and I lied to them about it all hell would break loose.

What do I do?

freebread03 · March 2012

It's really not your business to tell them, and I can't imagine how this would ever come up in conversation. If it's ever an issue, I'd say something like "Mom, I understand you're upset, but she is part of my family now, and her gender and/or sexuality is none of my, or your business."

goobersinlove · March 2012

I don't think you should tell them. I mean, if your parents are really as closed minded as you say they are, if you "warned" them in advance I bet they'd be extremely awkward around her.

So don't tell them and let them get to know her and learn to like her themselves. Then whatever way it comes out to your parents in the future, if they pitch a fit you can say, "Gosh mom and dad, you liked her BEFORE you knew she was transgendered. What's the problem?" KWIM?

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

You try saying that to my parents. Seriously, they'll freak! My fiances mom sometimes likes to talk about it because she thinks people need to be educated. I'm kind of scared that it'll come up over dinner and my parents will make a scene

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

Maybe I should ask fiances mom to not talk about it with my parents? Maybe I should warn her?

Jenni8412 · March 2012

Could your FI explain the situation to his mom in a way that she would be sensitive in not educating your parents in order to not put you/him in an uncomfortable situation? Could you orchestrate the meeting in a public restaurant where they'd be less likely to initially cause a scene? Even if the topic came up, they might hold their tongues until it's just you/FI. I'd at least see that as easier on damage control.

ArynBaker · March 2012

From experience, don't tell them. FIs mom probably thinks of herself as a woman more so than transgender anyway. My brother is transgender but doesn't identify himself that way, he's just a man.

ETA: just saw that she likes to talk about it. I still wouldn't tell them. I feel like it's not your business to tell. Also, I feel like your parents won't become more open minded until they meet someone close to them that is out of their norm. I don't mean that offensively, just what I've observed from others.

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:1f56b469-e0c0-48ec-8914-466389cac080">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Could your FI explain the situation to his mom in a way that she would be sensitive in not educating your parents in order to not put you/him in an uncomfortable situation? Could you orchestrate the meeting in a public restaurant where they'd be less likely to initially cause a scene? Even if the topic came up, they might hold their tongues until it's just you/FI. I'd at least see that as easier on damage control.
Posted by Jenni8412[/QUOTE]

My parents would totally freak out in a restraunt. I can see it now. Tables flipping, vomiting seriously jerry springer type ish

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:9f411a0f-07cd-46c8-937f-8a48d863b719">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : My parents would totally freak out in a restraunt. I can see it now. Tables flipping, vomiting seriously jerry springer type ish
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

<div>If that happens, you apologize to your FMIL for your parents, and then you tell your parents to grow the F up and learn how to treat other people. Seriously, if my parents behaved that way, especially toward someone important to me, I'd be cutting contact. </div>

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:f2c90bca-1fe9-47a7-9a5a-1131b4d8af3b">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : If that happens, you apologize to your FMIL for your parents, and then you tell your parents to grow the F up and learn how to treat other people. Seriously, if my parents behaved that way, especially toward someone important to me, I'd be cutting contact.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

Well I can't cut contact or talk back to them because they support me financially and they're paying for the wedding.

NicoleSahara · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:9f411a0f-07cd-46c8-937f-8a48d863b719">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : My parents would totally freak out in a restraunt. I can see it now. Tables flipping, vomiting seriously jerry springer type ish
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

Well there's your answer then. Hash it out on the Jerry Springer show.

ArynBaker · March 2012

Well, if your parents lack so much control that this encounter could enter Jerry Springer territory then if your FMIL is more level headed maybe you or FI can request that she not bring up transgender issues at their first meeting. Keep in mind that once she knows the reason why she'll probably want to educate them even more.

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

Really? You're advice is to go on Jerry Springer? That's what I"m trying to avaoid!

chrmun · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:9f411a0f-07cd-46c8-937f-8a48d863b719">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : My parents would totally freak out in a restraunt. I can see it now. Tables flipping, vomiting seriously jerry springer type ish
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

Have FI explain to his mother that your parents aren't capable of conducting themselves like civilized adults and let her decide how she wants to proceed. I, personally, would avoid them like the plague.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:9fa0b6cc-a021-4f76-811e-ae004974886a">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : Well I can't cut contact or talk back to them because they support me financially and they're paying for the wedding.
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

<div>Looks like you're going to have to start supporting yourself. Which you should be doing long before marriage anyway.</div>

Jenni8412 · March 2012

In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please!:In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : If that happens, you apologize to your FMIL for your parents, and then you tell your parents to grow the F up and learn how to treat other people. nbsp;Seriously, if my parents behaved that way, especially toward someone important to me, I'd be cutting contact. nbsp;Posted by MyNameIsNotWell I can't cut contact or talk back to them because they support me financially and they're paying for the wedding. Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE] So that's when you have to make the decision to grow up and pay for your own wedding. I wouldn't want to feel like FI and I had to cut any family out of our lives, but if we did, it better be on our own terms.

MyNameIsNot · March 2012

Or you could try explaining to FMIL that your parents are hateful bigots, but you put up with it for money. Who knows, maybe she'll take up the cause and support you.

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

I can't work because I can't find a job that I want for the pay that I want. My parents have lots of money so it's OK if I live off them until the right job falls in my lap.

freebread03 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:d8a4e94a-e2ff-4322-b3b0-177becf46c46">Re:Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Hello and Help Please! : Well there's your answer then. Hash it out on the Jerry Springer show.
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

<div>I kind of like this idea. Is Maury still around? I'd definitely do Maury before Jerry. Way classier.</div>

NicoleSahara · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:e802606d-29cc-41af-b2a1-6c4147468dc1">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Really? You're advice is to go on Jerry Springer? That's what I"m trying to avaoid!
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

You've said yourself it's pretty much impossible to avoid that, so might as well make some money off it. I think you get money for being on Jerry Springer, right? Hey, you can even put it towards the wedding! Win win!

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:5ee9aaba-3e41-4883-9aaf-5a28f396739b">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Or you could try explaining to FMIL that your parents are hateful bigots, but you put up with it for money. Who knows, maybe she'll take up the cause and support you.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

But see I don't want to paint a poor picture of my parents either.

ricksang · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:f26d25e6-00f7-441d-88c0-89c35bf55020">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello and Help Please! : Troll
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
Yeah

NicoleSahara · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:6241fa49-4863-4f87-b34e-63f3aa167625">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't work because I can't find a job that I want for the pay that I want. My parents have lots of money so it's OK if I live off them until the right job falls in my lap.
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

Stripping pays the bills pretty nicely. It's how I paid for my wedding.

ArynBaker · March 2012

My parents do pay my rent until May so I kinda understand that, but I've also been offered a job once I graduate that I'll be taking despite it not being exactly what I want or the pay I would like.

As for the paretns' issue with GLBTs, I like Chrmun's advice.

chrmun · March 2012

Trolly troll troll.

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:c1952db4-5bc9-47b6-bd0d-a925e96fa1de">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello and Help Please! : Stripping pays the bills pretty nicely. It's how I paid for my wedding.
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

Good lord if my parents found out I stripped I might as well tell them I'm a gay republican that likes george bush

ArynBaker · March 2012

I was going to give you the benefit of a doubt but yea...

KWills?

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

what does kwills mean?

NicoleSahara · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:c2ace2ae-166a-4db5-9428-6e958669840c">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello and Help Please! : Good lord if my parents found out I stripped I might as well tell them I'm a gay republican that likes george bush
Posted by Ilikelittlepeople[/QUOTE]

Well you don't TELL them, silly. You seem really smart, so I bet you could keep it from them. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

Ilikelittlepeople · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hello-and-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f842c329-bb93-4ad0-be72-298537a8fa1ePost:f9f5dd16-4910-4589-9a87-cbd28b000c37">Re: Hello and Help Please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hello and Help Please! : Well you don't TELL them, silly. You seem really smart, so I bet you could keep it from them.
Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]

Thanks this means a lot to me. I only had to ride on the Penguin bus for 3 years. Guess it shows!

Jenni8412 · March 2012

Silly question: what is a Penguin bus? I'm assumingwould it would be what I've heard referred to as the short bus... Will someone enlighten me please?

Hello and Help Please!

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