Do I give her the boot?

kdonaldson87 · February 2012

I have a bridesmaid that just got engaged. Her wedding is now exactly 2 weeks before mine. She was aware of my date for 3 months before she got engaged. Since then she has not contacted me directly, instead she uses my sister (who is both our MOH's) to carry messages along. She has also texted my fiance to ask for our address, who she hardly knows. I have caught her lying to both me and my fiance, she had her engagement photos taken where I voiced to her where I wanted them done. She booked her honeymoon so that she returns 3 days before my wedding and she expects me to movey bachelorette party from the weekend before my wedding to the Wednesday or Thursday before my wedding so that she can be there. Oh I found out by talking to my sister that she wasn't having me stand up in her wedding. I have spoken to close friends and family as well as fellow co-workers about my issue and they all say to hive her the boot. However my mom says that I am reading too much into it. I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and remember all the things she did. This is my day. What do I do?

aragx6 · February 2012

On the off chance this is real, you are so far beyond out of line I'm not sure where to start. How about this: Listen to your mother. She is very smart.

midgetthemighty · February 2012

No, you don't give her the boot. If she doesn't show up on the day of or buy her dress, she has kicked herself out. She doesn't have to come to the bachelorette party or have you in her wedding.

vsgal · February 2012

And her wedding day is her day. Your wedding does not trump her wedding. If you feel she is taking your ideas, stop sharing ideas with her. Don't move your bachelorette party if you don't want to. If she can't make, she can't make. A bachelorette party invite is not a summons. She doesn't have to be there. If she wants to cut her honeymoon short to attend, that choice is on her. Don't force her to come or make her feel bad that she cannot attend.

So she doesn't have you stand for her. Wedding parties are not tit for tat. She can ask whomever she wants. I would get over that as fast as possible and move on. If you kick her out of the bridal party, that will end the friendship. Are you down with that? You can't boot her. You can't kick her to the curb. You can't demote her without consequences. Those consequences include loss of friendship and you looking like a bridezilla. If you look at wedding pictures and remember all the things you think she did to you, that is on you. That is your decision.

MyUserName1 · February 2012

ugh. Really? You're going to kick out a bridesmaid because she isn't planning her entire life around Your Special Day!!?

baystateapple · February 2012

You don't have an embargo on the location for your engagement pictures. She can take them where she likes. She can also have her honeymoon whenever she wants to have it.

If she removes herself from the bridal party, that's one thing. If you kick her out, it will only serve to make YOU look bad.

dumdumfroggie · February 2012

OP, you should read through that again. It makes you sound like a completely spoiled brat.

MyUserName1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:00f3844b-b4ef-425f-a80f-bac1a3b3f135">Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid that just got engaged. Her wedding is now exactly 2 weeks before mine. She was aware of my date for 3 months before she got engaged. Since then she has not contacted me directly, instead she uses my sister (who is both our MOH's) to carry messages along. She has also texted my fiance to ask for our address, who she hardly knows. I have caught her lying to both me and my fiance, she had her engagement photos taken where I voiced to her where I wanted them done. She booked her honeymoon so that she returns 3 days before my wedding and she expects me to movey bachelorette party from the weekend before my wedding to the Wednesday or Thursday before my wedding so that she can be there. Oh I found out by talking to my sister that she wasn't having me stand up in her wedding. I have spoken to close friends and family as well as fellow co-workers about my issue and they all say to hive her the boot. However my mom says that I am reading too much into it. I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and remember all the things she did. This is my day. What do I do?
Posted by kdonaldson87[/QUOTE]

I just have a feeling.

midgetthemighty · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:c57cf1d9-2a83-49fd-8dc2-4841d0dd2685">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Do I give her the boot? : I just have a feeling.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

That tonight's going to be a good night?

ggirl2001 · February 2012

Your bridesmaid does not have to be at your bachelorette and you do not have to change it to accommodate her. Don't worry about not being in her wedding. Is that really a big deal? Stop sharing plans with her, you can still get your e pics taken where you want. None of this to me screams that she is an awful friend. Do not kick her out.

MyUserName1 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:afae173b-089e-433d-b78e-1071a34fdfbc">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : That tonight's going to be a good night?
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

*snort*

That too.

dumdumfroggie · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:afae173b-089e-433d-b78e-1071a34fdfbc">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : That tonight's going to be a good night?
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh bloody hell, now that song is in my head. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-yell.gif" border="0" alt="Yell" title="Yell" /></div>

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:00f3844b-b4ef-425f-a80f-bac1a3b3f135">Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmaid that just got engaged. Her wedding is now exactly 2 weeks before mine. She was aware of my date for 3 months before she got engaged. Since then she has not contacted me directly, instead she uses my sister (who is both our MOH's) to carry messages along. <strong>That is really strange. </strong>She has also texted my fiance to ask for our address, who she hardly knows. I have caught her lying to both me and my fiance <strong>What about?</strong>, she had her engagement photos taken where I voiced to her where I wanted them done. <strong>Who cares??</strong> She booked her honeymoon so that she returns 3 days before my wedding and she expects me to movey bachelorette party from the weekend before my wedding to the Wednesday or Thursday before my wedding so that she can be there. <strong>Well you shouldn't be planning that, so it's up to whoever is. But I wouldn't change it for her.</strong> Oh I found out by talking to my sister that she wasn't having me stand up in her wedding. <strong>She can have who she wants. </strong>I have spoken to close friends and family as well as fellow co-workers about my issue and they all say to hive her the boot. However my mom says that I am reading too much into it. <strong>Your mom is wise.</strong> I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and remember all the things she did. This is my day. <strong>It's also your fiances</strong> What do I do? <strong>Stop worrying to so much and let it all go.</strong>
Posted by kdonaldson87[/QUOTE]

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

The only time the answer to "can I kick out a bridesmaid?" is yes is (1) when she's attempted to commit a felony against you and/or your FI; or (2) when she's attempted to sleep with you and/or your FI. "She's getting married two weeks before me and she isn't having me as a bridesmaid and she hasn't talked to me that much in the last few weeks and she wants me to change my b-party date" doesn't fall into either of those categories.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:00f3844b-b4ef-425f-a80f-bac1a3b3f135">Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE] This is my day.
Posted by kdonaldson87[/QUOTE]

You have a fiance, no? So... it's not *your* day. It's also his day. And all your guests' day. Bigger picture - look at it.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

Also, perhaps she's avoiding communication with you is because she knows you've gone BSC over this. I wouldn't want to talk to you either right now with the level of 'zilla radiating off of your post.

Habs2Hart · February 2012

You and your fiance get one day. She and her fiance get one day. Carry on like mature individuals since you seem to think you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to not be complete children about the situation.

midgetthemighty · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:1d04523c-6f1e-4209-9929-671eb5b3784b">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : Oh bloody hell, now that song is in my head.
Posted by dumdumfroggie[/QUOTE]

It's been stuck in my head for a long time now. We're walking into the reception hall to it. :)

aragx6 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:92f0de7f-f689-4979-9687-b7748e41c8dd">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : It's been stuck in my head for a long time now. We're walking into the reception hall to it. :)
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

FI hates that song with a passion so I keep teasing him that I'm going to secretly tell the DJ to play it. That or that James Blunt song "You're beautiful" -- sometimes I just break into that chorus in a really obnoxious voice just to see him squirm. Good times!

dumdumfroggie · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:a985a306-9633-42ba-9dd5-924352406210">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : FI hates that song with a passion so I keep teasing him that I'm going to secretly tell the DJ to play it. That or that James Blunt song "You're beautiful" -- sometimes I just break into that chorus in a really obnoxious voice just to see him squirm. Good times!
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>I also hate that song with a passion. I hate pretty much every song by the BEPs though...</div><div>
</div><div>We're walking in to "You're the Best Around" ala The Karate Kid. At least that's the plan now. It's kind of a joke between FI and I.</div>

jessicabessica · February 2012

I feel bad for OP's sister.

Meghannsix · February 2012

Maybe she chose the same photographer because she values your opinion.
Maybe she didn't ask you to be a BM because she didn't want to add anything to your busy schedule right before the wedding.
Honestly, I have too many actually important things to worry about, than to read into every little detail of everyone around me. Someone else getting engaged is not a conspiracy to F with your!perfect!day! Relax

midgetthemighty · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:2eb52d0e-2d7e-4844-b4b9-d98165f10c87">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : I find that song to be quite appropriate for you and your FI, Midge! It's cracking me up over here.
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]

I know, right? I think I know exactly which part of the song is making you crack up!

Oh, and should I be freaking out that one of my cousin's used this as their entrance as well??!!?! Does that make me jealous of their wedding?!?!

Love the Karate Kid.

jemmini6 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:3875cd00-8529-40a5-b0fe-e200c1dc6fc7">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]You and your fiance get one day. She and her fiance get one day. Carry on like mature individuals since you seem to think you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to not be complete children about the situation.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

This. I'll never understand why people think that everyone else's lives must revolve around their wedding....

soontobemrsep · February 2012

Stop stressing over the little things. It's okay.
She's probably insanely busy with her wedding planning and assumes you are too--I'm not calling my friends who are getting married around the same time as me every day. Perhaps you and her should go get lunch or dinner and lay everything on the table? Tell her you feel like the two of you are distant and you miss her, then ask her how SHE is doing with her wedding planning. She will probably be happy to have a moment with you where you're listening to her about her wedding.
As for your B Party, by no means move it up to a few days before the wedding. If she can't make it, she can't make it--not the end of the world for either of you. You'll still have an awesome time with all of the penis paraphonelia and she'll be enjoying her honeymoon, in the future you won't even remember she wasn't there.

I guess what my ramble is saying is keep her in the wedding.
Enjoy this time, you only get it once!

kdonaldson87 · February 2012

I apologize that I came off as a spoiled brat. I don't expect people to live their lives around my wedding. I also don't expect for my bridesmaid to schedule her wedding around mine. However I guess I expected her to respect me enough to not lie to me or my fiance. I was hurt that I wasn't standing up in her wedding but I see it as a good thing now, saving me money and stress. It has just been one little thing after another and its all adding up now to make me feel stressed, hurt, betrayed, lost. Overall I feel like she won't have the time to be a bridesmaid she is simply cutting it too close.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:f1535767-909b-40a8-a87d-7c2598e35a3c">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]I apologize that I came off as a spoiled brat. I don't expect people to live their lives around my wedding. I also don't expect for my bridesmaid to schedule her wedding around mine. However I guess I expected her to respect me enough to not lie to me or my fiance. I was hurt that I wasn't standing up in her wedding but I see it as a good thing now, saving me money and stress. It has just been one little thing after another and its all adding up now to make me feel stressed, hurt, betrayed, lost.<strong> Overall I feel like she won't have the time to be a bridesmaid she is simply cutting it too close.
</strong>Posted by kdonaldson87[/QUOTE]

As long as she has the time to purchase the dress and walk down the aisle for you, she has "the time" to be a bridesmaid. Please don't use some pretend concern for her other obligations as justification for being horrible to her. If you want to completely end your friendship with her, kick her out. If you want to remain friends with her, don't kick her out. That's it. Those are your choices here.

soontobemrsep · February 2012

We all get stressed and let the little things get to us during the process. At least I do.

all she has to do as a BM is buy her dress and show up on time on the wedding day! Don't expect too much from people because you will be let down.

Also, just because I'm curious... what did she lie about? It must have been pretty serious for you to contemplate kicking her out of your BP.

aragx6 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:3f5ae0d4-958f-48ce-8cd3-40c1abc0bde2">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I give her the boot? : As long as she has the time to purchase the dress and walk down the aisle for you, she has "the time" to be a bridesmaid. Please don't use some pretend concern for her other obligations as justification for being horrible to her. If you want to completely end your friendship with her, kick her out. If you want to remain friends with her, don't kick her out. That's it. Those are your choices here.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I mean honestly that's the best advice anyone can give you. Kicking her out <em>will</em> be a friendship-ending move. And there aren't any requirements to being a BM other than showing up on the big day wearing the dress you told her to buy. Everythng else is just gravy.

I think about my wedding All. The. Time. Like a little obsessively. but I try really hard to remember that, honestly, no one cares half as much about my wedding as I do (and my FI cares about 75% as much as me ha!). Learn to let this stuff roll off your back and you'll be happier; I promise.

Though the lies? That's not cool -- what did she lie about?

kdonaldson87 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-give-her-the-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38dca3d2-925f-4d1d-bd27-6d10acdf546dPost:6de53850-232b-4d2b-8219-707f8f5d95f4">Re: Do I give her the boot?</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop stressing over the little things. It's okay. She's probably insanely busy with her wedding planning and assumes you are too--I'm not calling my friends who are getting married around the same time as me every day. Perhaps you and her should go get lunch or dinner and lay everything on the table? Tell her you feel like the two of you are distant and you miss her, then ask her how SHE is doing with her wedding planning. She will probably be happy to have a moment with you where you're listening to her about her wedding. As for your B Party, by no means move it up to a few days before the wedding. If she can't make it, she can't make it--not the end of the world for either of you. You'll still have an awesome time with all of the penis paraphonelia and she'll be enjoying her honeymoon, in the future you won't even remember she wasn't there. I guess what my ramble is saying is keep her in the wedding. Enjoy this time, you only get it once!
Posted by soontobemrsep[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your kind advice. I really needed it.

Bkseller13 · February 2012

Ok, two other people asked and you didn't answer, so I'll try. What did she lie about?

Do I give her the boot?

Re: Do I give her the boot?

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