Are we moving too fast?

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

Hello everyone,

Needing advice. I have been seriously dating a guy for a month, but we have dated off and on for a year. Since we met last year, we both instantly felt we were meant for one another. Last year I wasnt 100 ready to seriously date him because of personal reasons. Well, this past month has been amazing for us! I found out he has been looking at engagement rings. He has also made it clear that he is ready for a baby. Me on the other hand, is hesistant on having a baby and I am nervous about getting married. I wouldn't say that I am not ready for marriage, I am just nervous like most people when the become engaged or on their wedding date. He is also telling me he loves me already. I honestly think he does because of his actions. He treats me like a queen! And he respects the fact I don't want to engage in sex or even think about having a baby until I am married. He has asked me to move in with him an his 10 year old son that he has full custody of. It's just a fairy take I've always wanted, but yet it seems as if there is a catch. Are we moving too fast? What do you think of the entire situation? Thanks!

CSMJ&JJ2013 · March 2013

Hello everyone, Needing advice. I have been seriously dating a guy for a month, but we have dated off and on for a year. Since we met last year, we both instantly felt we were meant for one another. Last year I wasnt 100 ready to seriously date him because of personal reasons. Well, this past month has been amazing for us! I found out he has been looking at engagement rings. He has also made it clear that he is ready for a baby. Me on the other hand, is hesistant on having a baby and I am nervous about getting married. I wouldn't say that I am not ready for marriage, I am just nervous like most people when the become engaged or on their wedding date. He is also telling me he loves me already. I honestly think he does because of his actions. He treats me like a queen! And he respects the fact I don't want to engage in sex or even think about having a baby until I am married. He has asked me to move in with him an his 10 year old son that he has full custody of. It's just a fairy take I've always wanted, but yet it seems as if there is a catch. Are we moving too fast? What do you think of the entire situation? Thanks!</~root~>

buddysmom80 · March 2013

A. How old are you? B. if you're asking a bunch of strangers if you're moving too fast, you know your answer. Yes. Yes you are.

buddysmom80 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_are-we-moving-too-fast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9a1ae72a-d21b-4b58-b83d-c33ab64284a7Post:05dae120-d6a4-4a1f-af8d-e45c9375d1d0">Are we moving too fast?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello everyone,

Needing advice. I have been seriously dating a guy for a month, but we have dated off and on for a year. Since we met last year, we both instantly felt we were meant for one another. Last year I wasnt 100 ready to seriously date him because of personal reasons. Well, this past month has been amazing for us! I found out he has been looking at engagement rings. He has also made it clear that he is ready for a baby. Me on the other hand, is hesistant on having a baby and I am nervous about getting married. I wouldn't say that I am not ready for marriage, I am just nervous like most people when the become engaged or on their wedding date. He is also telling me he loves me already. I honestly think he does because of his actions. He treats me like a queen! And he respects the fact I don't want to engage in sex or even think about having a baby until I am married. He has asked me to move in with him an his 10 year old son that he has full custody of. It's just a fairy take I've always wanted, but yet it seems as if there is a catch. Are we moving too fast? What do you think of the entire situation? Thanks!
Posted by CSMJ&JJ2013[/QUOTE]

Jic

cbrown828 · March 2013

My mom always says "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but kinda wish you didn't."

if you have feelings of uncertainty, please sit down with the guy and talk it all out. If he truly is wonderful and you are meant to be, he will be willing to take your feelings/wants/needs about getting married and starting a family into consideration. Having a baby is a decision that should be made together, not just because one partner is "ready." Good luck!

audrewuh · March 2013

In Response to Re:Are we moving too fast?:[QUOTE]A. How old are you?
B. if you're asking a bunch of strangers if you're moving too fast, you know your answer. Yes. Yes you are. Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

Also, am I the only one getting a red flag that this sounds like the start of an abusive relationship? It all sound perfect and they get married, and he turns. Idk, I'm super pessimistic and moody today.

If something's catching you, op, listen to it.

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

All of this. Be very careful about moving in together, yada ya. Good on you for asking for advice before diving in, though. Age is truly a factor. Are you both completely supporting yourselves, and in no large amount of debt? Do you feel like you know his every dark secret? Would both sets of parents approve? And how does your gut really, truly feel? Although it sounds counter productive, if you can't have a truly good and open conversation about marriage or babies, or moving too fast, then you aren't ready. Take a couples course, see if you guys are on similar pages about major things. These are all huge things to think about and as it's been said before, but only you can define the status of your relationship. Don't let someone else dictate it for you.

kelley198721 · March 2013

I am always skeptical when I hear that phrase "dating on and off". To me, there's no off and on. Either you stay together or you don't.

For this reason and because you've only been dating seriously for a month AND he has a ten year old kid....I would say yes, you're moving too fast. If you decide to go ahead with this, my advice is to tread very carefully since there is a kid involved.

And like others have said, the fact that you're asking us means you already have serious doubts. If you're doubting this, why do it? Wait until you've been dating longer and you feel much more confident.

ravenray · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_are-we-moving-too-fast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9a1ae72a-d21b-4b58-b83d-c33ab64284a7Post:4e84f80b-a229-44f6-a839-537fe638140b">Re: Are we moving too fast?</a>:
[QUOTE]What's a fairy take? Also, yes I think you're moving too fast. If there are children involved, you need to take it very slow. In fact, some states' law prohibits unmarried co-habitation when there are minor children when the parent has sole custody. I waited a year after "I love you" to move in with my guy, then we got engaged, then we got married. While you don't have to follow my paradigm, I want to say "do as I say and do." I'd advice against rushing into anything, and dating "on and off" for a year and seriously for a month seems rushy. NOTE: this is not legal advice.
Posted by tarradesign[/QUOTE]
You are my hero for the Doctor Who gifs!<div>
</div><div>OP, the others have said it, if you are questioning there is probably a reason. There is no harm in saying that you want to slow the relationship down a bit. In fact I do think 1 month is too soon to be buying engagement rings. Talk to him about your feelings and if he really is the one for you he will have no problem waiting. </div>

Peaseblossom55 · March 2013

Lots of people already gave good advice. My personal advice and thoughts on this kind of thing is to be with someone for a year, experience all four seasons before getting married or moving in. Why rush into it???

steign · March 2013

The fact that you've been on and off and it's only been a year is a red flag for me. I know for some people, this works for their relationship and I shouldn't be too judgy. However I personally feel the first year is the "getting to know the other person stage" and if you cannot stick it out through the hard times, work through issues and figure out how to fight without breaking up then I feel it's a problem.

OP, come back and tell us your age and your BF's age.

ETA: spelling/clarity

catrb89 · March 2013

A year is not that long to be in a relationship, but to be "on and off"? That doesn't quite jive.
Your age and previous relationship history is important, yes, but chances are, if you are asking us if it is too soon, it is too soon.
Take some time to really be together. Deal with your hard times instead of breaking up.

JBSMADA10 · March 2013

**giggle** snort***

YES. You are moving way too fast. He is also sounding insecure and looking for a baby mama... get out while you still can. Something about what you have told us sounds fishy to me. Are you sure he only has one child? Especially after asking you to have children with him after 4 weeks of "serious" dating. Also what in the world is serious dating. If the relationship has been on and off before Its best to just leave it alone. I was serious about my FI when we first started dating he didn't meet JB till three months in. And I felt it was too quick then but we had a babysitting snafu and well he was already 10 minutes away. But anyways.

oh and come back and tell us your age.

bethsmiles · March 2013

First Tarra - I LOVE the Dr. Who gif. I've finally really gotten into and it's amazing!

Second, OP - The PPs have given you great advice. I agree that it sounds like you are moving way too fast. Why has the relationship been on and off? Why the rush now?

suzie211 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_are-we-moving-too-fast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9a1ae72a-d21b-4b58-b83d-c33ab64284a7Post:3cfda23b-592f-48d9-921d-7f8d6a613c17">Re: Are we moving too fast?</a>:
[QUOTE]A. How old are you? B. if you're asking a bunch of strangers if you're moving too fast, you know your answer. Yes. Yes you are.
Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

All of this.

One year of on again/ off again to one month of serious dating doesn't mean you have put in the time that makes you qualified for babies and marriage. Yes, some people do move very fast. Many of those relationships work and many don't. In order for it to work, you both need to be on same page and communicate. Right now you and your SO are not.

Slow down. Take some time to get to know each other. Figure out what's best for the child involved and what's best for you as a couple.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

To give everyone a little history on us..I am 25 and he is 30. Someone mentioned if I knew of him having any other kids. Yes, he has a 5 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. The son he has full custody of. His 10 y/o was from his first rship as a young man. His daughter is with his ex wife . He was married 4 years after proposing to her after 6 months. He filed for divorce because his wife was constantly cheating on him. She was 5 years younger though when he was married to her. So she was still going through the partying stage being that she was married at 20 y/o. As far as of being off and on. The situation was off and on because I was uncomfortable stepping outside of my comfort zone. I am African American and he is caucasian and Italian mixed. I have never dated outside my race and I just wasn't ready to do so. The more he and I talked and spent time togethe, I realized race shouldn't matter. It's all about how much you have in common with someone. I know a lot of people might be against the interracial dating, but I have become comfortable with it. I use to be against it until I opened up my eyes and realized it shouldn't matter. Honestly, if I could have moved past that a year ago, he and I would have been fine as a couple. Te fact that we were off and on wasn't because we would argue or have major dissagreements. I honestly do think we are rushing things a bit, and I have expressed that to him. He is okay with slowing things down. I honestly dont feel waiting a year or longer will help you learn more about a person. You can be married to someone for 10 years and not really know who they are! I have also seen marriages last after being engaged after a few months of meeting a person. I just think it depends on the two individuals. And to comment on what someone said about knowing all of his secrets, a person will only let you in so far. Like I said before, you can be married or with someone for years and not know he deepest darkest secrets. It's a risk you take in any situation. But he has expressed to me a few times that things he has shared with me only me and his ex wife knows. Not even his sons mom. He is so persistant with me that I have no reason to believe that he isn't being honest. I have conducted a thorough background check and found nothing. He has shared with me his personal situations as a child growing up with an adoptive family. As far as rushing, I honestly think its a security issue with him. All of his life even as a kid people hae hurt him and walked out on him. I think the reason he rushes into situations is because he wants to feel he has that strong foundation. I would be skeptical if I was the first woman he rushed into something with. The fact that he married his exwife after 6 months, allows me to think he is genuinely looking for something secure. He knows enough about me to know I am a very good woman. He is amazing when it comes to being there for me, doing anything for me and just wanting to spend as much time together as I will allow. I don't think he is looking for a babymama, which is a comment someone made, if that was the case he would not be trying to marry me. I have already expressed to him I will not take it to that level unless I am married . A babymama does not have the committment. I really appreciate everyone's honesty and commenting in my post!! :

bethsmiles · March 2013

Honestly, I find it concerning that he rushes things. Rushing into marriage in NO way gives a relationship a strong foundation or makes the relationship somehow more secure. Taking your time and really getting to know someone is what gives a relationship a strong foundation.

And I think it is absolutely ridiculous to say that you "don't feel waiting a year or longer will help you learn more about a person." Really? That is just an insane comment.

As for not knowing someone's deepest darkest secrets, I can assure you my BF knows every secret I have and I believe I know every secret he has as well.

Given your second post I'm even more convinced you are moving too fast.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

To further elaborate on what I meant by us moving too fast..It's not because we don't know enough about one another. I feel we are moving too fast because my previous relationship left a major scar within me. I know for sure I am not ready for marriage because I hae trust issues, but being engaged I dont think is a bad idea. You can be engaged for years before you actually get married. I think he wants the engagement to prove to me he wants that stability and security in a relationship. As far as our communication, we have excellent communication. Someone mentioned we don't seem to be communicating. We do, and that's how he knows I am not going to have a baby or move in with him yet. We talk about everything. But he is still entitled to what he wants and how he feels and he expresses that to me. Doesn't mean I am going to go along with it. I have always told him to be completely open and honest with me. That no comment, question, concern or feeling is stupid to me. I rather know what is on his mind. I know for a fact we have great communication. It's just hard to spill out our entire situation on the Internet. I just look to others for advise and opinions to see what others with more experience has to say. And I respect everyone's opinion on here that has commented! Thanks!

bethsmiles · March 2013

Engagements don't solve relationship problems any more than marriage does. A ring or a proposal will not get rid of your trust problems or make him feel more secure. It just doens't work that way.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Are we moving too fast?:[QUOTE]Honestly, I find it concerning that he rushes things. Rushing into marriage in NO way gives a relationship a strong foundation or makes the relationship somehow more secure. Taking your time and really getting to know someone is what gives a relationship a strong foundation. And I think it is absolutely ridiculous to say that you "don't feel waiting a year or longer will help you learn more about a person." Really? That is just an insane comment.As for not knowing someone's deepest darkest secrets, I can assure you my BF knows every secret I have and I believe I know every secret he has as well.Given your second post I'm even more convinced you are moving too fast. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

You said you "believe" you know all of your BF secrets. I just feel that no situation is perfect. You can know Everything about a person. Its impossible. My grandparents have been married for 46 years and don't know everything about one another!!! And thats most couples! Everyone in my family has been married for a long period of time, and I guarantee they dont know everything about their spouse.
I do agree that rushing into a marriage does not make a strong foundation. That is why I will not marry him at this point. Being enraged I feel is different because it's like a trial period. People get engaged, but realize they are not ready for marriage and they break off he engagement.

bethsmiles · March 2013

Ok fine I KNOW that I know all my BF's secrets. He is human and will be constantly growing and changing so as we age we will continue to learn things about each other but we don't have any secrets from each other.

Being engaged is not a trial period for marriage. The point of being engaged is to plan a wedding and get married. Dating is when you are supposed to figure out if you want to get married, not after getting engaged.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Are we moving too fast?:[QUOTE]Engagements don't solve relationship problems any more than marriage does. A ring or a proposal will not get rid of your trust problems or make him feel more secure. It just doens't work that way. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Oh I agree it won't get rid of my trust issues. I never said it would. I said I would not marry him at this point because I have trust issues that I have to work out on my own. And for some people being engaged does make them feel secure. It's kind of hard to explain. I know him and that is how it seems. I am not even sure of that is 100 true. Just my speculation of the situation and him always rushing into marriages. Well, once and with me. He has dated since his exwife and he dated off while he and I were off and on last year. But in the end he was back trying to get me to raalize he really wanted to establish something with me.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Are we moving too fast?:[QUOTE]Ok fine I KNOW that I know all my BF's secrets. He is human and will be constantly growing and changing so as we age we will continue to learn things about each other but we don't have any secrets from each other.Being engaged is not a trial period for marriage. The point of being engaged is to plan a wedding and get married. Dating is when you are supposed to figure out if you want to get married, not after getting engaged. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

So what about people that get engaged and are engaged for years but break it off? Not everyone gets engaged to start planning a wedding? Some people stay engaged for 3 or 4 years. It doesn't take that long to plan a wedding. Thats why I said it's kind of like a trial period.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

Sorry for my grammar mistakes. I am typing too much and too fast.

bethsmiles · March 2013

I understand that some people are engaged for years. And I understand that some people break it off (sh!t happens). I don't think that anyone should get engaged just to feel "secure" in a relationship. That should be something that can be established without an engagement.

It doesn't sound like either of you should be in a relationship right now. You have trust issues and he can't feel secure without a proposal? That isn't a healthy relationship.

It doesn't sound like you have any intention of listening to anyone's advice though so I'm not sure why you posted.

Knottie_22383310 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Are we moving too fast?:[QUOTE]I understand that some people are engaged for years. And I understand that some people break it off sh!t happens. I don't think that anyone should get engaged just to feel "secure" in a relationship. That should be something that can be established without an engagement.It doesn't sound like either of you should be in a relationship right now. You have trust issues and he can't feel secure without a proposal? That isn't a healthy relationship.It doesn't sound like you have any intention of listening to anyone's advice though so I'm not sure why you posted. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I am definitely taking into consideration everyone's advice. I have agreed with you multiple times. I just keep wanting yor opinion on other scenarios. The more you say, the more I look for feedback on that specific comment you made.
Like I can agree with you that maybe I am not 100 ready for a relationship! And I never said he can't feel secure with a proposal. I said "I" personally feel that that could be part of his reasoning behind proposing and marrying within a short time frame. He could genuinely feel I am the one for him, but my trust issue comes in play because of my last relationship of 3 years turned out to be a complete lie! That's why I told you I feel you can be with someone for years and not really know everything about them. I was in a 3 year relationship, wasn't engaged, and turned out to be a complete lie!

leia1979 · March 2013

In addition to agreeing with previous posters, please, PLEASE do not have a baby because he wants you to. That's not something you can undo, and you are only 25. You have plenty of time to figure out how you feel about children.

From what you have told us, yes, I think you are moving fast. There are no hard and fast rules, but again, you're 25 and have plenty of time. Take it.

bethsmiles · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_are-we-moving-too-fast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9a1ae72a-d21b-4b58-b83d-c33ab64284a7Post:373293c5-6d61-4e24-ab65-f3a96e95aa9e">Re:Are we moving too fast?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Are we moving too fast?: I am definitely taking into consideration everyone's advice. I have agreed with you multiple times. I just keep wanting yor opinion on other scenarios. The more you say, the more I look for feedback on that specific comment you made. Like I can agree with you that maybe I am not 100 ready for a relationship! And I never said he can't feel secure with a proposal. I said "I" personally feel that that could be part of his reasoning behind proposing and marrying within a short time frame. He could genuinely feel I am the one for him, but <strong>my trust issue comes in play because of my last relationship of 3 years turned out to be a complete lie! That's why I told you I feel you can be with someone for years and not really know everything about them. I was in a 3 year relationship, wasn't engaged, and turned out to be a complete lie!</strong>
Posted by CSMJ&JJ2013[/QUOTE]

Then I seriously suggest getting some professional help in dealing with your trust problems.

ravenray · March 2013

I think you both need to get some counseling, him for his insecurities with relationships and you for your trust issues. Both of you might want to take a break from this serious of a relationship (I.E. thinking about getting engaged).

You both seem to want to rush into something to fix it. That isn't really how life works.

kmbryant2413 · March 2013

I just want to pop in to say good on you for listening to everyones advice.

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

OP, I'm kind of seeing a pattern. He married a girl 5 years younger than him before, you're 5 years younger than he is. He proposed to her after 6 months, and I'd be willing to guess that your on time plus the past month is about 6 months.

That said, you need to be very cautious. He doesn't have one child, he has two. What is his custody agreement on his daughter? Have you met her?

If he's rushing into this for a false sense of security, he needs to seek counseling. If you're not ready for a relationship because you have major trust issues, you need to seek counseling. Do not get engaged. Do not pass go. Do not collect sparkly. Having broken off an engagement, I can promise you it's an incredibly difficult decision. There's money involved, and logistics, and it's a pain and a disaster. I'm not saying it's any easier to break up before you're engaged, but you want to be 100% sure. An engagement is a time to plan a wedding - you need to be certain that you want to marry that person before you enter into that.

Also, mostly unrelated, I take some offense at your statement that his ex-wife cheated on him because she was 20 and "still going through the partying stage." I'm 23. I was engaged at 21. At 19, I was over the partying stage. Yes, I still go out, but not constantly. For the past several years, I've been more content with a quiet night in on the couch as the norm. Don't generalize ages like that.

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