Etiquette

A tricky situation

I am very fortunate to be MOH for a dear friend. Her wedding is in the fall and she has been finalizing her guest list. She has been doing a lot of complaining about the people she has to invite because of family obligations or how she’s worried certain folks will get drunk or be disrespectful at the reception. 

I recently found out that she is not inviting one of our friends, who happens to be my ex-fiancé, with whom I am on very good terms with. He has known her and her fiancé since before they were a couple, has been very supportive, even helped them out when they went through rough patches and has been over the moon excited for them. He is a member of our inner circle of friends, not to mention was a potential groomsman and was at her recent birthday party.

When she told me he was not invited, I asked her why she would spend money to invite all the people she obviously did not like or know but exclude someone who was such a good friend. She told me it was because when they were compiling the guest list, he was unemployed and they (she and her parents) did not think they “could get a gift out of him”. I am very disheartened by this. For one, I know he will be devastated to not be invited. Two, because he assumes he would be invited and she (and her fiancé) have given no hint that he would not be. Three, he is the only one in our inner circle to not be invited…and four, because he is working now and I know for a fact he would bring a gift. He’s already talked about going in on a bigger gift with some of our other friends. And five, frankly, I think that is a really awful, shallow reason.

 I understand that weddings are expensive but it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that they would exclude one person because of a gift. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she’d only be comfortable talking about it face to face and has since avoided me. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and I don’t think there is really anything I can do about, however, I would love any advice or input on the situation. Many thanks to all.
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Re: A tricky situation

  •   It is a really crappy thing of her to do but unfortunately, it isn't your place to dictate the guest list so there isn't a whole lot you can do.
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  • The guest list is really up to the bride... There isn't much you can do about the situation. Unfortunately, no matter how shallow you think it is of her or how disheartened you are by it, you really can't do much more than you already did. I think pressing the issue might just make things uncomfortable between the two of you, so if you mentioned it to her and she hasn't changed her mind, I would try to just drop it. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:67da6bba-1fd5-4949-bfa4-2055719ea5b1">A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am very fortunate to be MOH for a dear friend. Her wedding is in the fall and she has been finalizing her guest list. She has been doing a lot of complaining about the people she has to invite because of family obligations or how she’s worried certain folks will get drunk or be disrespectful at the reception.   I recently found out that she is not inviting one of our friends, who happens to be my ex-fiancé, with whom I am on very good terms with. He has known her and her fiancé since before they were a couple, has been very supportive, even helped them out when they went through rough patches and has been over the moon excited for them. He is a member of our inner circle of friends, not to mention was a potential groomsman and was at her recent birthday party. When she told me he was not invited, I asked her why she would spend money to invite all the people she obviously did not like or know but exclude someone who was such a good friend. She told me it was because when they were compiling the guest list, he was unemployed and they (she and her parents) did not think they “could get a gift out of him”. I am very disheartened by this. For one, I know he will be devastated to not be invited. Two, because he assumes he would be invited and she (and her fiancé) have given no hint that he would not be. Three, he is the only one in our inner circle to not be invited…and four, because he is working now and I know for a fact he would bring a gift. He’s already talked about going in on a bigger gift with some of our other friends. And five, frankly, I think that is a really awful, shallow reason.   I understand that weddings are expensive but it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that they would exclude one person because of a gift. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she’d only be comfortable talking about it face to face and has since avoided me. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and I don’t think there is really anything I can do about, however, I would love any advice or input on the situation.   Many thanks to all.
    Posted by Starfish11[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I would rethink my friendship with anyone who excluded a good friend based solely on what type of gift he may or may not give.  She sounds like a spoiled bitch.

    </div>
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011

    Sadly I don't think there's much of anything you can do about it. It's her and her family's decision who to invite.

    But that is a horrible, awful, no-good, very bad reason for not inviting someone.

    Doesn't it suck when someone's lousy personality starts to show through?

    ETA: fixed a grammatical mistake

    Lizzie
  • 1. She sounds rude and entitled.  Not inviting someone because you don't think that can give you a gift is low.
    2. There isn't really anything you can do. 

    I don't think I could be friends with someone like that.  I'd feel like I was only good enough to be her friend when I had enough money to be.
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  • I think its a really crappy thing to do, and if I was close enough to someone to be theri MOH, I'd let them know, especially since it involves a mutual friend. Knowing that my friend is that shallow might make me re-evaulate the friendship as well. 
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  • You're right that there's not really anything you can do other than express how you feel about it.  Personally, I would be re-evaluating how close my friendship would be with someone who would seriously make a statement like that.  As opposed to joking about it.
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  • You know, I'm assuming this is your best friend, since you're the MOH.  If my BEST friend said this to me, I'd tell her she was being a bitch.  This is crappy, and a good friend tells you when you're being crappy.  Of course you can't dictate her guest list, but you can tell her when she's being awful. 
  • Oh and I don't think I'd take a gift to the wedding.
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  • edited May 2011
    Wow, that's a really crappy thing to do.

    I don't know what I'd do in that situation.  On the one hand, I might say, "well, I know he's planning on giving you a gift" to at least get him on the guest list and avoid hurting his feelings.  But that kind of endorses their craptastic behavior. And maybe he deserves to know what a shiity friend she is.

    I'd be tempted not to get her a gift myself.

    I agree with PP that it's not your place to dictate their guest list, but I think it is your place as a friend to tell her you think she's being a terrible person.  Though more tactfully...
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  • BubbalubBubbalub member
    1000 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:67da6bba-1fd5-4949-bfa4-2055719ea5b1">A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am very fortunate to be MOH for a dear friend. Her wedding is in the fall and she has been finalizing her guest list. She has been doing a lot of complaining about the people she has to invite because of family obligations or how she’s worried certain folks will get drunk or be disrespectful at the reception.   I recently found out that she is not inviting one of our friends, who happens to be my ex-fiancé, with whom I am on very good terms with. He has known her and her fiancé since before they were a couple, has been very supportive, even helped them out when they went through rough patches and has been over the moon excited for them. He is a member of our inner circle of friends, not to mention was a potential groomsman and was at her recent birthday party. When she told me he was not invited, I asked her why she would spend money to invite all the people she obviously did not like or know but exclude someone who was such a good friend. She told me it was because when they were compiling the guest list, he was unemployed and they (she and her parents) did not think they “could get a gift out of him”. I am very disheartened by this. For one, I know he will be devastated to not be invited. Two, because he assumes he would be invited and she (and her fiancé) have given no hint that he would not be. Three, he is the only one in our inner circle to not be invited…and four, because he is working now and I know for a fact he would bring a gift. He’s already talked about going in on a bigger gift with some of our other friends. And five, frankly, I think that is a really awful, shallow reason.   I understand that weddings are expensive but it makes me very uncomfortable knowing that they would exclude one person because of a gift. I’ve tried discussing it with her but she’d only be comfortable talking about it face to face and has since avoided me. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries and I don’t think there is really anything I can do about, however, I would love any advice or input on the situation.   Many thanks to all.
    Posted by Starfish11[/QUOTE]

    Your MOH and her mother sound lovely. [/sarcasm] Sadly, there is nothing you can do and it's none of your business, anyway. It's her guest list and if she wants to act like a gift-grabby twat, then that's her prerogative.

    I would not mention it to your ex-FI, either. Just as it's none of your business who your MOH does or does invite to her own wedding, it is not your place to tell him whether or not his is invited.

    Sorry you have such a short-sighted friend.

    ETA: I agree with PPs, though, that if one of my BEST friends did/said this, you can bet your ass I would be telling her what a rude, entitled bitch she's being. But beyond that it's her choice.
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  • You mentioned she is avoiding you about this situation. I wonder if she knows what a crappy thing it is to do to someone. It's very judgy of both her and her parents to assume someone wouldn't bring a gift and judge someone for not being employed. I would definitely be reevaluting my friendship with your friend at this point.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:236bfb33-325b-423a-ac0d-7798c94dc052">Re: A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and I don't think I'd take a gift to the wedding.
    Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

    I'd bring one of those money cards, and just sign it without putting any cash in there. 

    Yes, I am that petty of a bitch.
    panther
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:32e52b0a-aa59-4e64-93e0-49a2c42f0d00">Re: A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: A tricky situation : I'd bring one of those money cards, and just sign it without putting any cash in there.  Yes, I am that petty of a bitch.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    I don't think that's petty.  I think not inviting someone because they might not give a gift is petty. 
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  • I would say give her lessons on tact and class, but you can't buy those things.  Clearly her and her mom need to learn it.
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  • Thanks for the input. I really am beginning to see her true colors. We are close but there has always been a Princess vibe to her. i didnt realize how deep it actually went.....

    I doubt anything I say will make a difference in her attitude. It's not my place to influence the guest list and unfortunately I dont think there's much to do to get him on the list. I suspect it will cause a major rift in our circle because it will piss off a lot of people to exclude based on income or gift potential... 

    I wonder, should talk to him about it? I realize that you cant always invite everyone you know to a wedding, but she's going along acting like he would be invited, knowing that he is not. I feel as if he has the right to know. Should I tell him? Maybe not the actual reason, but just so he isnt blind-sighted? Should I encourage her fiance to maybe say something to him?
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    I would probably stay out of it.  Things could possibly change and she might invite him.  You said she is finalizing her guest list now, so hopefully she'll realize what a horrible thing she is doing and add him.  If not, people are obviously going to ask her why he was the only one not invited, and she needs to face that.  

    ETA: If he does mention buying a gift before invites go out, I might just say something about waiting until the invites go out since they weren't sure about their guest list. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:cad87780-cee1-4aa3-ab28-3336dbcfd64e">Re: A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know, I'm assuming this is your best friend, since you're the MOH.  If my BEST friend said this to me, I'd tell her she was being a bitch.  This is crappy, and a good friend tells you when you're being crappy.  Of course you can't dictate her guest list, but you can tell her when she's being awful. 
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]
    This.<div>
    </div><div>If I was being a bridezilla sized beyotch I'd sure as hell want someone to tell me. But seing as she's a Princess is clearly having a PPD (Pretty Princess Day) then she probably wouldn't take whatever you'd say seriously. </div>
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    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:0a349496-de64-461e-b3ba-48a7dcd774ef">Re: A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to A tricky situation : I would rethink my friendship with anyone who excluded a good friend based solely on what type of gift he may or may not give.  She sounds like a spoiled bitch.
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


    This.
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:9379d4a3-ae1d-417d-b543-55aaf2c15c18">Re: A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the input. I really am beginning to see her true colors. We are close but there has always been a Princess vibe to her. i didnt realize how deep it actually went..... I doubt anything I say will make a difference in her attitude. It's not my place to influence the guest list and unfortunately I dont think there's much to do to get him on the list. I suspect it will cause a major rift in our circle because it will piss off a lot of people to exclude based on income or gift potential...  I wonder, should talk to him about it? I realize that you cant always invite everyone you know to a wedding, but she's going along acting like he would be invited, knowing that he is not. I feel as if he has the right to know. Should I tell him? Maybe not the actual reason, but just so he isnt blind-sighted? Should I encourage her fiance to maybe say something to him?
    Posted by Starfish11[/QUOTE]<div>I think it would cause more hurt for you to say anything to him. Its not your place to know or publicize her guest list. If he doesn't get an invitation, and asks you, you shoud refer him to the bride and act like you had no knowledge of the situation, because in all fairness, you should be completely in the dark about the guest list situation.</div><div>If she doesn't care if he gets hurt, then make sure its HER that does the hurting of the feelings and don't get yourself involved. Don't be her lackey, and don't stir the pot, unless you want to lose her as a friend altogether (which might not be a bad thing after all). 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tricky-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1cb194d9-02a5-4265-b444-331e6299e363Post:cad87780-cee1-4aa3-ab28-3336dbcfd64e">Re: A tricky situation</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know, I'm assuming this is your best friend, since you're the MOH.  If my BEST friend said this to me, I'd tell her she was being a bitch.  This is crappy, and a good friend tells you when you're being crappy.  Of course you can't dictate her guest list, but you can tell her when she's being awful. 
    Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]


    And this.
    Anniversary
  • Did she give you a financial questionaire before selecting you to be her MOH? Ha.

    But really I wouldn't say anything, just in case she at the last minute decides to invite him. She may try to make it look like you are trying to 'start trouble'.

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  • Wow...she sounds like a peach.  I agree with a few of the PP that said they wouldn't bring a gift.  I wouldn't waste my money on such a greedy person.

    Also, I wouldn't get in the middle of it by telling your friend.  Make her do the dirty work. 
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  • Oh and don't worry, I'm sure he'll get a b-list invitation.
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  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    As everyone has said, there is nothing you can do about the guest list. I would not be able to look at this person the same. It certainly lets you know more about who she really is and the possible treatment you would receive should you ever find yourself out of work.

    As another PP has said, I would rethink this friendship.

    Don't let on to him that you know anything even when he discovers he is invited. Let her do the explaining.
  • Wow!  I'm sure many of us have joked around about inviting people who would give good gifts,  But to actually think that way, what a snot. 

    I saw your comment saying that nothing you would say would change her mind, then I think you should just stay out of it. 

    I would not think as hard about what gift to give her and give her some of the stuff I dislike giving. 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • I just want to say that I agree with TR and beachy.
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  • do you get a date? I would take him, eat their food, drink their wine and show up with a card that says "congrats" with nothing else
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  • i would stay out of it as much as possible. you don't want to hurt your excluded friend. if he asks you questions, defer to the bride. let her be the one to explain her bratty motives for inviting people! i agree with everyone else who suggests reevaluating your friendship. she doesn't sound like a great friend at all.
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  • I would reconider my friendship/MOH-ship with this person. Reading that made me feel physically ill, and I don't even know the people in question.

    If you're close enough to be her MOH, I think it would be smart to level with her and give her your honest reaction. I tend to err on the side of putting EVERYTHING out there, so I might honestly say something like "Jane, I really need to let you know that I was shocked and disappointed when you said that you weren't inviting John because you didn't think he'd bring a gift. This doesn't sound like the Jane that I know, and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around inviting people based on what gift they would get you. Would you demote me from being your MOH if I lost my job and couldn't afford to buy you a gift?"

    If this doesn't reality-check her, I'd consider bowing out. If she's doing this to him, what'll stop her from doing this to you? IMO, silence implies agreement, or at least neutrality. I wouldn't be able to keep myself from saying something.
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