is it tacky to not have open bar?

meganbouchard · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:e2616bc6-7bc1-4260-9e6e-8d7bed365c4f">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]Dude, don't be devastated, just take it as a learning experience and move forward. You came off poorly. It happens. I hope that you realize why we all had the reaction that we did. For me, you insinuated that because the B&G can't afford alcohol and are hosting what they can, it's not good enough. Not cool.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

I totally get it, as soon as I posted I actually muttered "awww shiiiit Meg you said that wrong."

I don't need to have free pony rides and expensive chicken - although that would be sweet.

zigspective · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:7d0a0d39-8c21-486b-b12b-95b2d37fa001">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess to me, it's another one of those "it depends on where you live" things. here's it's the norm NOT to have an open bar. People here are accustomed to paying for their own drinks. <strong>It's pretty 'lavish" to attend any event where your drinks are paid for.</strong> That being said, I think in the US (<strong>I am Canadian</strong>) it's more polite to either have an open bar or nothing at all. Given that your co-worker made the comment that she did, I suspect in your area it's more frowned upon to have a cash bar or partial open bar.
Posted by Urchin9[/QUOTE]

<div>Sorry, this is far back, but what? I'm from Canada as well, and both sets of grandparents come from working backgrounds that would be considered barely middle class and a full cash bar will get people feeling embarrased for you... and leaving early.</div><div>
</div><div>You can get away with a toonie or loonie bar but you'll still be getting some major side eye.</div><div>
</div><div>Doesn't matter whether is a wedding, christening or funeral. If there's alcohol provided, it better be free.</div>

Zazulak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:e1914676-ed26-4437-a9e3-6e06cfd3ebbf">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is it tacky to not have open bar? : Oh good, an influx of terrible advice. No. You're wrong.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Uh, that was just input, not advice. I didn't realize that in order to post, I had to mirror what you have said.

If my guests aren't safisfied with beer and wine, who am I to keep them from purchasing booze? That's all I was getting at, sheesh! I certainly don't expect them to, because we are providing booze, but if they want a mojito they can buy all the mojitos they want.

Or should I tell them "No! You can only drink beer and wine!"?

Also, I don't drink and neither does my fiance or the parents, and my dad is a recovering drunk. I certainly am not going to provide an open bar in addition to the booze we serve. If what we serve isn't good enough, they can buy whatever they want - THEIR choice, not mine!

meganbouchard · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:357522d9-dc6b-4e8f-b794-d7444a7f448a">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, free pony rides are awesome. Maybe you will take away a changed opinion from this discussion. Get a cool flask. My sister has one with flowers on it.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I think I might have changed my mind. The whole "host what alcohol you can afford and only that" line was the only thing I wasn't really buying on the E board, because like I said, I would rather the option to purchase. I see what you're saying now though. Flask it is!

frantastic12 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:06f1d742-07aa-47b3-a1ce-caefd26784ed">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]I rarely post here because I don't like to get flamed. :) I don't think it's tacky. I think what is tacky is going into debt because other people tell you it's tacky. You need to do what you are comfortable with.<strong> Is it normal in your area to offer this? It is in mine.</strong> We aren't having alcohol at the wedding at all! Our venue is dry. I'm sure that that's a major faux pas. But, no one in our family or friends drinks in public! I wanted people to remember our wedding too. :) Do what you can afford and do what you are comfortable with.
Posted by peachykeen26[/QUOTE]

If the area you're referring to is Columbus (I say that based on your sig), sorry, but you're wrong. I've lived in central OH my entire life and have been to a whopping 2 weddings that had a cash bar (whether for liquor or all drinks).

It isn't rude to not have any alcohol, because you aren't expecting your guests to spend money at your wedding (I've been to a completely dry wedding, and the 2 weddings with cash bars actually bothered me more). But just because there's an open bar at the wedding doesn't mean people are going to be so drunk they won't remember it.

Febechick · May 2012

Ha. I am super late to this thread - but I couldn't help but picture this when OP said she would do what she wanted (wouldn't let me quote for some reason).

julib33 · May 2012

I personally would not offer the hard liqour in your situation. That being said, my cousin had a bar for her wedding but EVERYTHING had to be paid for by the guests. If a guest wanted any sort of drink they had to buy it themselves. This was mostly because they couldn't afford it, and the fact that they planned the entire wedding in four weeks. I thought it was odd but no one seemed to mind at all.

may25bride2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:c8569aac-dce7-4bc8-a13b-1591e81c9a20">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally would not offer the hard liqour in your situation. That being said, my cousin had a bar for her wedding but <strong>EVERYTHING had to be paid for by the guests. If a guest wanted any sort of drink they had to buy it themselves</strong>. This was mostly because they couldn't afford it, and the fact that they planned the entire wedding in four weeks. I thought it was odd but no one seemed to mind at all.
Posted by julib33[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>What the What? Like soda too? Or just alcohol? Either way it's rude, and I'm sure people minded, but I'm curious if they had to pay for soda too. That would be one I've never heard.</div>

vantica · May 2012

I am also from Canada and where I am cash bars are VERY common, and pretty much expected these days. Often they are loonie (one dollar coin) or toonie (our 2 dollar coin here) bars as mentioned, but this often means it was a subsidized bar as full price is generally $5+ for a drink. $5 is on the cheap side, so probably more like $6+. Anyway, when I was looking at venues I just couldn't get over the prices. Most had a choice of host or cash bar, and the thing I couldn't get over was that if you chose the cash bar, a lot of venues still charged outrageous prices for juice and pop!! Like $2.85 a drink! I mean, how could we justify charging for juice and pop??? Or if we hosted, I hated the thought of paying that much for something that's maybe 20 cents a glass!

When I was going on about venues and prices to various people, EVERYONE I talked to told me don't worry, just have the cash bar because that's what everyone does. However, I grew up with my dad going on about how no one should ever charge their guests at a wedding, and I always said I would have an open bar. So, because of this we don't have a very fancy venue, but I found a place where we can set up our own bar and have our own bartender, and we are not /forced/ to pay a corkage fee like so many other venues.

Another thing may be heritage (is that the right word in this case??). There's no way we'd ever go to anything on the italian side of the family and pay for a thing. It would be unheard of. Went to my great uncles bday last month and my FI was surprised to find out you can go up to the bar and order whatever (well, it might have been limited, not sure) and not have to pay anything.

CN: Younger people where I am expect cash bars and they are the norm. Some older people too. Italians are definitely the exception to this, probably other european cultures as well. I don't care what other people do, but it's important to me to have an open bar.

Edited to trim as I'm long winded apparently, and it's still long. Oh well.

broodc2 · May 2012

Wow. Just read this whole thread. I can see both sides of the argument here. For the record though, I wouldn't ever dream of hosting anything that required an invited guest to shell out cash while they were attending.

While I understand there are regional differences in expectations about the open bar, I'm usually one to err on the side of caution and I think it's a good way to go about things, not just WR stuff. In most cases your guests will have a myriad of life experiences and will have come from, gone to, or are influenced in some way by different cultures, social norms, and parts of the country and world. Obviously, there is no way of knowing the personal experiences and social expectations of everyone. But based on that fact, err on the side of caution and make it so your guests don't have to pay for anything.  While I've heard many times of people being offended that they had to pay for their drinks, I've never heard of someone being offended that there was an open bar.

Beer and wine only...yeah, I guess if your budget can only handle that it's better than nothing. But just like you offer a vegetarian dish for those people who are vegetarians, there are also people with celiac disease. Now this is just an example and I know you can't accommodate every single person's special preferences, but I think, as a host, it's important to try to cover as many as possible.  I might be at the extreme end of things but I think I would actually cut my guest list down in order to accommodate providing a full open bar for the entire duration of the reception.

I'm shuttering at the thought of the Partners at my firm (in North Carolina) paying to fly up to Philadelphia (where we're getting married) with their spouses, shelling out for a hotel, and wedding gift....and then I make them pay for their $10 Makers served neat. Career suicide right there.

You need to consider your guests from a professional, not just a friend standpoint. Are you inviting your boss? Your FI's boss? Co-workers? People from your professional and social networks? If you think about it from a human capital and opportunity cost perspective, you might be saving some money now by not offering the open bar, but how will that translate to the office and in the future professionally? Now, let's be realistic. I know there isn't a completely positive correlation between making people pay for booze at a wedding and being passed over for a promotion, but it's not the kind of tone I'd want to set with my collegeues and bosses. I would not want to be thought of, in any capacity, as cheap or...maybe...unaware of what it means to be a host...say...for a client or prospective client dinner. DING! Off the partner track. It happens that quickly.

laurenlizzyb · May 2012

If you are concerned that some of your guests do not like beer, wine or champagne, you could offer a fruity signature drink in addition to the choices your guests already have. Like many others here have said- offer what you can pay for and that's it. I can't imagine asking my guests to pay for anything at my weddig, but I can't think of a wedding I've been to that has had a cash or even partial cash bar. You would know better than anyone else here what the common practices are within your social groups and in your area.

yesnomaybe · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:e64e23c6-5996-47cb-b693-05ec4c64798e">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is it tacky to not have open bar? : Hi, you're also wrong. It's against etiquette to ask people to pay for things at a wedding. Hence the advice we offer here on the Etiquette board. Thanks for playing.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh I'm sorry, I thought she was asking for individual opinions, not just yours. Your welcome for playing. You should think about getting getting off your computer and getting a life.

</div>

may25bride2012 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-tacky-to-not-have-open-bar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:83b9b7db-2d76-43ee-bdb8-227c59baad51Post:afb2e5c6-b5bb-45cf-9ea0-de7ec496951a">Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: is it tacky to not have open bar? : Oh I'm sorry, I thought she was asking for individual opinions, not just yours. Your welcome for playing. You should think about getting getting off your computer and getting a life.
Posted by yesnomaybe[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Etiquette is not an opinion. PPs think it's tacky to make people pay at weddings because, oh, wait, it is tacky.</div>

AJLNLL · May 2012

It is your day. Do what you feel is right and ignore outsiders. You are the one who will have to live with your decision. If someone doesn't like it they don't have to deal with it. End of story.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:

It's very tacky in my opinion. Unless your family and friends are opposed to alcohol for some sort of religious reason, then yes it's tacky. Why even have a reception then? If I couldn't afford and open bar (or at least beer/wine) then I would just elope. Maybe I care too much about my guests having a good time than myself saving a few thousand dollars for supposedly the most important night of my life...

This thread is from May 2012. Be sure to check the date of the question before responding.

AddieCake · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:

I had to get it off my chest

And you couldn't find a thread from more recently to do so in? Like from THIS WEEK, even, considering how often it comes up?

bunni727 · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:

It's very tacky in my opinion. Unless your family and friends are opposed to alcohol for some sort of religious reason, then yes it's tacky. Why even have a reception then? If I couldn't afford and open bar (or at least beer/wine) then I would just elope. Maybe I care too much about my guests having a good time than myself saving a few thousand dollars for supposedly the most important night of my life...

To thank firends and family for coming to the wedding. To spend extra time having fun with loved ones. To dine, dance, mingle and enjoy each others company.

I put my guests comfort and enjoyment over everything when planning the reception, and guess what? They had a damn good time without a drop of alcohol.

I know it's old, but couldn't let that go. Dry weddings or partially hosted weddings are completely acceptable etiquette-wise. The only "tacky" bar option is to have guests pay.

AddieCake · July 2013

I'm curious. How did you find THIS thread?

@sasquatchexpress12

misshart00 · July 2013

I'm curious too. We've been getting a lot of zombie threads lately. What did you search to get this one?

LiLe422 · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:

It's very tacky in my opinion. Unless your family and friends are opposed to alcohol for some sort of religious reason, then yes it's tacky. Why even have a reception then? If I couldn't afford and open bar (or at least beer/wine) then I would just elope. Maybe I care too much about my guests having a good time than myself saving a few thousand dollars for supposedly the most important night of my life...

.

sasquatchexpress12 said:

I don't know how I'd consider it thanking them if I didn't provide alcohol. Granted, most of my family and friends indulge in alcohol. So, if I'm going to host a reception I surely would include that as a way of thanking them.

Guests are going to say they had a great time at your event whether they did or not. The same will be true for mine. If I didn't provide alcohol I'm pretty certain that everyone I still talked to would say they were having a great time. It's the polite thing to say. Like, I'm sure you realize this.

With guests coming from far away, I'd do everything in my power to provide them with the best reception possible, which in my case, includes providing them with alcohol.

You sound like a lush.

manateehugger · July 2013

Yeah "have to get it off my chest" for an old post with inactive users? Do you actively search for issues for which you have to get things off your chest?

misshart00 · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:
I'm not sure. I think it was outside of the website entirely and I made a username and joined it. I figured the dates under usernames were join dates. I hope I didn't rustle anybody's jimmies.

Actually that makes more sense if people are thinking that. Thanks.

AddieCake · July 2013

It does make more sense.

AddieCake · July 2013

But not everyone's guest "prefer" it, so to say it's tacky unless it's for religious reasons is pretty silly.

vineheart137 · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:

It's very tacky in my opinion. Unless your family and friends are opposed to alcohol for some sort of religious reason, then yes it's tacky. Why even have a reception then? If I couldn't afford and open bar (or at least beer/wine) then I would just elope. Maybe I care too much about my guests having a good time than myself saving a few thousand dollars for supposedly the most important night of my life...

@sasquatchexpress12, if you feel like your guests would not have been satisfied with a dry wedding, that is fine. But please do not act as though a wedding reception that doesn't have alcohol isn't worth having at all. Not everybody needs free-flowing booze to have a good time. Most guests are just happy to have been invited to celebrate such an important time in the couple's life together.

manateehugger · July 2013

sasquatchexpress12 said:
I find it hard to believe that you have a reception where no guest wants to have an alcoholic beverage. But if you do find that one in a million group of people, then sure, no open bar sounds about right.

Not all of my guests are obviously going to drink. But I know some will, and I'm going to do my best to cater to them.

But right, if no one is going to drink then by all means don't have alcohol. But honestly how often is that the case?

Dry weddings are far from uncommon in our region. As a social drinker, these weddings don't bother me. If I am properly hosted, who am I to comment on what the couple chooses or can afford? To do so would be rude.

vineheart137 · July 2013

Even if half the guests wanted to drink, it still would not be tacky that the couple doesn't provide them. There is nothing wrong with having a dry wedding, whether it be for religious reasons, family members being recovering alcoholics, or you simply can't swing thousands of extra dollars for an open bar.

What I think is rude is saying that anyone who can't afford to have an open bar shouldn't bother having a reception at all, as if having an alcohol-free wedding is something to be ashamed of. I don't know about your loved ones, but mine would say that they would rather get to eat and dance with me and my husband than not get to celebrate at all because I can't provide them with alcohol.

NYCBruin · July 2013

I am someone who enjoys to drink. A lot.

That doesn't mean I need to have alcohol to have a nice time. I would be really sad to not be invited to witness a couple's wedding simply because they couldn't afford to pay for me to have a few cocktails. I would happily celebrate over a meal or appetizers or dessert without any booze present.

Of course it's likely that at least some of any person's wedding guests would like to drink at their wedding. That doesn't mean you must cater to them.

Some of our guests would prefer lobster. We know that and still won't be providing it because FI doesn't eat seafood and it's outside of our budget. I hope you don't think we are tacky for not providing every guest with his or her first choice of everything.

Edited for clarity.

AddieCake · July 2013

You need to just elope, Bruin. If we can't get lobster at your reception, which we prefer, then what's the point?

misshart00 · July 2013

Wait, if you can't afford thousands of dollars for an open bar, you're probably having other problems? What does that even mean?

is it tacky to not have open bar?

Re: is it tacky to not have open bar?

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