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MoH mistake?

The night I got engaged, I called my big sis and asked her to be my MoH. We're almost 11 years apart and have only become truly close in the past 3-4 years, but I was raised to value family and wanted to avoid the drama of choosing between my two of my best friends. My sis avoids melodrama and getting involved in others' personal lives, but actually stood up for me during our mom's anti-groom tirades over the past year and a half. Plus she's a type A personality, overachiever, and all around doer of deeds, so I thought things would be great... until she made a comment regarding my wedding and basically said her only plan is to "put on a pretty dress, smile, eat, and go home." Um... eh?!

I told her there's more to it than that, even for bridesmaids. She asked, like what, so I emailed her a link to the MoH duties list and got "hahaha" as a response. My mom told me she didn't even bother to look at the page. Given that we have more than 10 months to go and I have more than enough stress w/ work and life in general, I put it on the back burner.

Then my HTB broached the subject tonight, which sort of threw me. He was very apologetic and said he knows the workings of the bridal party are none of his business, but I am. He pointed out that she has a track record of being self-centered and that one of my BFF's, who also worries constantly about my stress, has already taken the lead in getting the girls together, trying to organize the basics, and even offering us pre-wedding financial advice. His feels that my sis will leave me in the lurch, my friend will not get much-deserved credit, and that the entire situation will lead to even more stress for me, which directly affects my health.

My issue now is figuring out if it's even worth confronting my sis and asking her flat out if she is up to the challenge of being a true MoH. She might very well agree to do it and put forth some effort. If so, I know she will do a stunning job as I've seen her in action. However, if she's not, then I have to pick a new one. Logically it would be the one who's already moving in that direction... but she doesn't really like being in the spotlight. Plus she's the newest of my BFF's, which could cause hurt feelings w/ the oldest. Still, I don't think she'd turn me down, and I know she can handle things.

I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks!

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Re: MoH mistake?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:5088ff4e-db7a-438c-9406-155a1a228bd5">MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The night I got engaged, I called my big sis and asked her to be my MoH. We're almost 11 years apart and have only become truly close in the past 3-4 years, but I was raised to value family and wanted to avoid the drama of choosing between my two of my best friends. My sis avoids melodrama and getting involved in others' personal lives, but actually stood up for me during our mom's anti-groom tirades over the past year and a half. Plus she's a type A personality, overachiever, and all around doer of deeds, so I thought things would be great... until she made a comment regarding my wedding and basically said her only plan is to "put on a pretty dress, smile, eat, and go home." Um... eh?! I told her there's more to it than that, even for bridesmaids. She asked, like what, so I emailed her a link to the MoH duties list and got "hahaha" as a response. My mom told me she didn't even bother to look at the page. Given that we have more than 10 months to go and I have more than enough stress w/ work and life in general, I put it on the back burner. Then my HTB broached the subject tonight, which sort of threw me. He was very apologetic and said he knows the workings of the bridal party are none of his business, but I am. He pointed out that she has a track record of being self-centered and that one of my BFF's, who also worries constantly about my stress, has already taken the lead in getting the girls together, trying to organize the basics, and even offering us pre-wedding financial advice. His feels that my sis will leave me in the lurch, my friend will not get much-deserved credit, and that the entire situation will lead to even more stress for me, which directly affects my health. My issue now is figuring out if it's even worth confronting my sis and asking her flat out if she is up to the challenge of being a true MoH. She might very well agree to do it and put forth some effort. If so, I know she will do a stunning job as I've seen her in action. However, if she's not, then I have to pick a new one. Logically it would be the one who's already moving in that direction... but she doesn't really like being in the spotlight. Plus she's the newest of my BFF's, which could cause hurt feelings w/ the oldest. Still, I don't think she'd turn me down, and I know she can handle things. I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks!
    Posted by nikdragon[/QUOTE]
    Your sister is right - her only duty is to show up in the right dress on the right day.  There are no other duties or obligations.  Is it nice when BMs and MOHs offer to help with things?  Of course.  But they do so on their own, and it's not a requirement.

    I don't know what kind of list you sent her, but she isn't required to do any of the following:
    -Go to vendor appointments with you
    -Go dress shopping/fitting with you
    -Go to bridal expos with you
    -Help you make favors/centerpieces/DIY projects
    -Plan a bridal shower
    -Plan a bachelorette party
    -etc etc

    Any list you find that contains BM and MOH duties is a list perpetuated by the wedding industry, in order to get you and your WP to pump money back into the wedding industry.

    Don't demote her - she'll feel replaceable and you're replacement <em>will</em> feel like a replacement.  Don't kick her out.

    Your BMs and MOHs are supposed to be the people who are closest to you, not the people who will do the most work for your wedding.

    Good luck!
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    Wouldn't you be insulted if a friend or sister sent you a list and said, "Your job is to do all of this stuff for me"?

    Wouldn't you also be insulted if a friend or sister said to you, "If you can't handle the tasks that a wedding website says you should do, then I don't want you as my MOH, and I'll replace you with someone who can do more work for me"?

    And why is your FI telling you to boot someone who's not doing enough work for your wedding, rather than stepping up and offering to handle some of the work himself? Seeing as to how it's HIS wedding?

    It's not your bridesmaids' job to plan your wedding. It's yours and your FI's. If you are offered help from other people, awesome. If not, oh well, it's not their responsibility. If your friend has been very helpful, thank her with a nice note and maybe a small gift or treat her to dinner. Taking the MOH title away from your sister and awarding it to someone else won't make you look good in this situation. It'll make you look like a selfish person who takes her wedding entirely too seriously. Keep your dignity (as well as your relationship with your sister) intact by concentrating on the way you treat people, rather than judging them by how much they're willing to do for you.
    image
  • If you feel that asking your sister to be you maid of honor is something important (as i do, i am traditional) and you feel she is not taking it seriously, not  by not doing your list that you requested but coming back with a laughing reply rather than stating she has a lot on her plate and may need a little more time to fit it in better.
     Than i see how that hurt your feelings, your wedding is just as important as other things going on. before you make any descisions you need to talk to your sister and explain that you need more support from her, even if its just listening (i am sure you listen to her?) Also take into consideration that if you Fiance notices than its not just in your head, her lack of attention is obvious. Regardless of the advice you get the descision is up to you, and you already know it could have lasting consiquences so just really weigh the options. I wish you luck and hope it pans out for you before the big day!!! Good Luck
     Laughing
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image Future Mrs.Hellem
  • Your MOH is right.  Her only job is to purchase a dress, show up and walk in a straight line down the aisle.  

    Her only other job might be to sign the wedding certificate (it seems to differ by area) or hold your soon to be husband's ring.  

    The only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI...perhaps a wedding coordinator if you choose to have one.  As PPs have said - your wedding is not the centre of the world for everyone.

    Good luck!  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:bd446622-9c35-4277-ada1-dc52d0737a1e">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you feel that asking your sister to be you maid of honor is something important (as i do, i am traditional) and you feel she is not taking it seriously, not  by not doing your list that you requested but coming back with a laughing reply rather than stating she has a lot on her plate and may need a little more time to fit it in better.  Than i see how that hurt your feelings, your wedding is just as important as other things going on<strong>. before you make any descisions you need to talk to your sister and explain that you need more support from her, even if its just listening</strong> (i am sure you listen to her?) Also take into consideration that if you Fiance notices than its not just in your head, her lack of attention is obvious. Regardless of the advice you get the descision is up to you, and you already know it could have lasting consiquences so just really weigh the options. I wish you luck and hope it pans out for you before the big day!!! Good Luck  
    Posted by mrshellem2012[/QUOTE]
    I don't understand this at all.  Why do brides think they need "support" from other people?  Support for what?  Planning a party is just too hard?  That's ridiculous.  You need support when you lose your job, when a family member dies, when you have a serious illness.  If you need support for planning a party, then you aren't doing it right.
  • There is also the option that you could possibly choose two MoH so that your friend get the credit you would like her to, and she clearly wants to be the active type of MoH which is a real asset. Plus you avoid having to ask your sister to step down, or putting pressure on her.  And I know what lists your talking about but it isn't a definite its the ideal situation that they are going to do, although I agree being of MoH does generally come with helping out a little more than nothing, weither its just in encouraging you when your stressed out and being a good friend or more so but which of these is up to her.
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  • edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:367ac344-05f9-46b3-baed-0d8aaa713447">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>There is also the option that you could possibly choose two MoH so that your friend get the credit you would like her to, and she clearly wants to be the active type of MoH which is a real asset. </strong>Plus you avoid having to ask your sister to step down, or putting pressure on her.  And I know what lists your talking about but it isn't a definite its the ideal situation that they are going to do, although I agree <strong>being of MoH does generally come with helping out a little more than nothing, weither its just in encouraging you when your stressed out and being a good friend or more so but which of these is up to her.</strong>
    Posted by GeeksWithSqueaks[/QUOTE]
    A MOH is an honor and <em>not a job</em>.  When you choose members of your WP, you're honoring an existing relationship (whether it's friend, sister, or both), it shouldn't be used as some kind of reward for a job well done.  Again MOH =/= job.  And I wouldn't say that getting the dress, showing up on the day, and participating in the ceremony constitutes doing "nothing." 

    And I don't get this idea of support and encouragement either.  Getting married isn't something you should be unsure of, as it is a big step.  If you need "encouragement" to marry someone, that's a huge red flag, and something that should be discussed with one's FI before anyone else (including a MOH or BM).  As a matter of fact, if you're stressed when it comes to planning your wedding, encourage your FI to help you out more (since it's his wedding too!), hire a planner, and/or simplify your plans. 

    Again, if a MOH (or BM) does go above and beyond, that's awesome.  But it's not required nor should be expected.  People do have lives apart from the wedding, and while we of course may be consumed by wedding stuff, it doesn't mean others will be.  It's not their wedding.
  • erolliserollis member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In response to the support issue I feel that a MOH should be supportive to some degree. Then again I just think someone close to you should be supportive during crisis anyways or able to diffuse a situation. If you haven't had a crisis yet then not sure what you are expecting except maybe her giving input over the wedding. I know I went alone first to look at bridal gowns and had a horrendous experience at one place and was able to call my cousin (bm) and vent for all of couple of minutes and she agreed what they were doing was horrible customer service. Her calming me down isn't a required duty of a bm but she did it because she cares about me and me her. All she has to do is make an effort to find a dress and participate in the wedding itself. So far she has done more then this because she is interested in the wedding. If she wasn't then I would still be ok with it.

    I would hate being sent a list of duties that were required of me. This happened to me once. Well, the bride didn't send out a list but did expect us to do everything that the brides mags required. I went above and beyond for this bridzilla and was never fully appreciated. I did so much because I cared about her "special day" and did more then I should have. Our relationship changed because of how poorly she treated me during the wedding planning process and we are no longer good friends.

    In the end she is your sister and you will always be sisters. Don't ruin your relationship with her. Just invite her to the occasional wedding related thing and if she goes that is great. Just because she doesn't do what is expected doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about you. She just doesn't care about your wedding as much as you do. Plus anyone can host the bridal shower and bachelorette parties If they want to.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:5088ff4e-db7a-438c-9406-155a1a228bd5">MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE] My issue now is figuring out if it's even worth confronting my sis and asking her flat out if she is up to the challenge of being a true MoH. She might very well agree to do it and put forth some effort. If so, I know she will do a stunning job as I've seen her in action. However, if she's not, then I have to pick a new one. Posted by nikdragon[/QUOTE]

    So that whole "raised to value family" bit only applies if they're your unpaid
    b!tches? Honesly, this woman isn't on your payroll. But go ahead, fire her anyway. That won't make future family get-togethers awkward at all.

  • I know this is a late suggestsion...but could you have a 'Maid of Honor' (your sis), and a "Chief Bridesmaid"?
    I'm pretty sure, in essence, they're the same thing, but perhaps it would be a nice way of 'rewarding' friend, without offending your seemingly lazy sister?
    P.S.  What's this link you refer to about MoH duties???  I might pass it on to my sister!  x
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:5088ff4e-db7a-438c-9406-155a1a228bd5">MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The night I got engaged, I called my big sis and asked her to be my MoH. We're almost 11 years apart and have only become truly close in the past 3-4 years, but I was raised to value family and wanted to avoid the drama of choosing between my two of my best friends. My sis avoids melodrama and getting involved in others' personal lives, but actually stood up for me during our mom's anti-groom tirades over the past year and a half. Plus she's a type A personality, overachiever, and all around doer of deeds, so I thought things would be great...
    Posted by nikdragon[/QUOTE]

    I would also take a step back and look at what you wrote when you first came here:

    1) You said that you've only become close to your sister in the past few years. Plus, you strongly imply that you didn't really want your sister as your MOH but you chose her in order to keep the family happy. Stop and consider that ... you're now upset that someone you're not super-close to, and someone that you may not have chosen as MOH in the first place, is not willing to fulfill a bogus list of duties for you? It's really backward to say, "This person isn't my closest friend and I mainly chose her in order to avoid a family fight, but I'm mad that she's not acting like my best friend in the world." People are not going to become magically better or more helpful if you ask them to be in your wedding party.

    2) You said that your sister stood up for you while your mother was bashing your fiance. That's a HUGE show of support for your relationship. THAT is the kind of "support" that matters when you're getting married ... it doesn't matter if she's coming with you to florist appointments or helping you stuff invitations or listening to your menu plans. She went to bat for you when you truly needed her. What would be so "supportive" about a MOH who constantly ran errands for you but kept her mouth shut while your mother was saying what a jerk your fiance is? And you said that she always avoids drama, so it sounds like she was stepping WAY outside of her comfort zone in order to support you at that time.

    3) You said that you thought things would be great because your sister is Type A and an overachiever, which seems to say, "I thought she'd do a lot of stuff for me." The list you found on the wedding website is bunk. And you built up your own expectations, and set yourself up for a major disappointment, by choosing your sister as MOH with the expectation that she was going to complete a laundry list of chores for your wedding.

    I think #2 is the major sticking point here. I could see your point about her not being "supportive" if she joined your mother in the fiance-bashing ... but you said it yourself, she STOOD UP FOR YOU when you needed someone to back you up. She was supportive of your marriage. "Support" for your wedding plans (aka, help with the planning) absolutely takes a backseat to ACTUAL support of your marriage. To call her unsupportive after that, just because she's not interested in helping you plan your wedding (YOUR wedding, not her wedding) is a gigantic slap in the face to her.

    The wedding is one day, but the marriage is a lifetime. So you can either be greateful during the coming years that your sister is supportive of your marriage, or you can dump her because she wouldn't help out with a one-day party.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:d3067e8f-81ad-46c5-8fad-023d5d3cefe6">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this is a late suggestsion...but could you have a 'Maid of Honor' (your sis), and a "Chief Bridesmaid"? I'm pretty sure, in essence, they're the same thing, but perhaps it would be a nice way of 'rewarding' friend, without offending your seemingly lazy sister? P.S.  What's this link you refer to about MoH duties???  I might pass it on to my sister!  x
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    You didn't read this thread at all, did you, Pumpkin?

  • I read the first question, posted my opinion and then read everyone elses response.
    I've got to say, I see where people are coming from, but I'd be really disappointed if my sister had given the same as hers.  Seems so mean and selfish,
    I by no means expect Charlie to do all my dirty work, infact I'm loving the planning and organising, but can't wait for Charlie to get involved too!  She helped me with the Save The Dates etc, came with me to venues and dress shops, came with me to get the Save the Date stuff, she's been great, and it's been loads and loads of fun!
    Your Wedding Day is a bloody important day, so you want your family to be behind you and supportive in every way possible.
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:4a65091c-ce4a-449d-a3ee-cfda639f5f80">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your Wedding Day is a bloody important day, so you want your family to be behind you and supportive in every way possible.
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    But the sister WAS supportive when the poster needed her. Poster's mother was bashing her fiance, and the sister stepped in and defended the poster.

    I don't get how that equates to "non-supportive" just because she's not interested in helping to plan the party. Seems like she's the family member who's actually supportive of the MARRIAGE.
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  • Is it not possible to be supportive of the marriage AND the Wedding?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:93af2b89-6825-4f27-9f2b-e927ea4c6874">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it not possible to be supportive of the marriage AND the Wedding?
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    She is happy they are getting married, that is supportive of the wedding. But she is certainly not required to help the bride go shopping and look at venues and plan parties and things like that. You don't need 'support' to plan a wedding, it is a happy event, not a bad one. And planning it is the job of the bride and her fiance.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:93af2b89-6825-4f27-9f2b-e927ea4c6874">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it not possible to be supportive of the marriage AND the Wedding?
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]
    supporting the wedding (whatever that means) =/= planning the wedding
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:93af2b89-6825-4f27-9f2b-e927ea4c6874">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is it not possible to be supportive of the marriage AND the Wedding?
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    Supporting the marriage <strong>IS</strong> supporting the wedding. Not wanting to help plan the party doesn't mean that she's not supportive of the wedding itself. 

    A wedding is the act of getting married/being wed. A wedding isn't a DJ and a dress and party favors and a nice menu. You can support someone wanting to get married without being interested in the party planning.

    Anyone accusing the sister of not being supportive since she doesn't want to help plan a party, when she stood up for the poster and her fiance when her mother was bashing him, is being utterly ridiculous and is missing the big picture.

    Now, yeah, I can agree that it was odd and borderline rude of the sister to flat-out say that she plans to do nothing besides show up. However, since the poster clearly has high expectations of her bridesmaids, it's better for the poster to know of her sister's plans ahead of time so that the poster doesn't build up her hopes.

    And if my sister sent me a list of duties for her wedding and told me it was my job to fulfill them, I'd smack her. I don't mind helping someone out if they request help, or if I feel like volunteering, but being told that it's my "job" as the MOH and I'm somehow a bad bridesmaid if I don't complete a list of chores for her is just insulting.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:4a65091c-ce4a-449d-a3ee-cfda639f5f80">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I read the first question, posted my opinion and then read everyone elses response. I've got to say, I see where people are coming from, but I'd be really disappointed if my sister had given the same as hers.  Seems so mean and selfish, I by no means expect Charlie to do all my dirty work, infact I'm loving the planning and organising,<strong> but can't wait for Charlie to get involved too!  She helped me with the Save The Dates etc, came with me to venues and dress shops, came with me to get the Save the Date stuff, she's been great, and it's been loads and loads of fun</strong>! Your Wedding Day is a bloody important day, so you want your family to be behind you and supportive in every way possible.
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    This is how I and my MOH feel as well.... however, i would never have <em>expected</em> her to do these things, which it sounds like OP does. It's a gift and a joy that this is the kind of thing my best friend enjoys doing and wants to do with me. Lately she hasn't been as helpful because she's very busy, and I don't mind at all... I am not hurt or feeling like she's not pulling her weight because she couldn't go to a venue visit with me this past weekend, or that she's not going to be able to help me with invitations like she originally said she would and even though i helped her with hers when she got married, because she doesn't <em>have</em> to do any of these things for me.

    And if an MOH did all of the things on the lists that the wedding industry puts out, she'd better be rich, or she's going to be one bankrupt MOH at the end of it. Not to mention severly stressed out from the amount of things she's supposedly in charge of / supposed to plan.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:3d9059c5-8975-49f3-8afa-9e90fb0f31b4">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MoH mistake? : Your sister is right - her only duty is to show up in the right dress on the right day.  There are no other duties or obligations.  Is it nice when BMs and MOHs offer to help with things?  Of course.  But they do so on their own, and it's not a requirement. I don't know what kind of list you sent her, but she isn't required to do any of the following: -Go to vendor appointments with you -Go dress shopping/fitting with you -Go to bridal expos with you -Help you make favors/centerpieces/DIY projects -Plan a bridal shower -Plan a bachelorette party -etc etc Any list you find that contains BM and MOH duties is a list perpetuated by the wedding industry, in order to get you and your WP to pump money back into the wedding industry. Don't demote her - she'll feel replaceable and you're replacement will feel like a replacement.  Don't kick her out. Your BMs and MOHs are supposed to be the people who are closest to you, not the people who will do the most work for your wedding. Good luck!
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this.
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  • I'm not even going to bother answering this.  You emailed her a list of duties and are surprised she responded by hahahaha?  I'm curious to know what was on this list....

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  • Wow....so many people seem to have taken offence to other people's opinions.  I thought these message boards were gentle discussions, offering advice and tips....it seems to have errupted into a full blown argument - and I feel sorry for the poor girl who dared even ask for help in the first place!
    The gist of my view is that I completely get where she's coming from, maybe it's because I have a fantastic sister who I love dearly, who is getting fully involved in every aspect?  Anyone who doesn't share the experience of planning a wedding with their sister/mother/girlfriend is missing out!!!!  It's so much fun, and with 17months still to go to mine, I can't wait to things get into full swing and we can really go at it!
    And as Monica said in Friends "If you call our wedding a "party" one more time, you won't be invited!"  Let's be honest - it's WAY more than a party!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:c8a3df3a-c076-425c-90d2-21852a889334">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow....so many people seem to have taken offence to other people's opinions.  I thought these message boards were gentle discussions, offering advice and tips....it seems to have errupted into a full blown argument - and I feel sorry for the poor girl who dared even ask for help in the first place! The gist of my view is that I completely get where she's coming from, maybe it's because I have a fantastic sister who I love dearly, who is getting fully involved in every aspect?  Anyone who doesn't share the experience of planning a wedding with their sister/mother/girlfriend is missing out!!!!  It's so much fun, and with 17months still to go to mine, I can't wait to things get into full swing and we can really go at it! And as Monica said in Friends "If you call our wedding a "party" one more time, you won't be invited!"  Let's be honest - it's WAY more than a party!
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]


    Okay you have 15 posts which means you're new to TK so allow me to explain.

    TK isn't a place where you'll get posters agreeing with you on everything.  We tell you the god-honest truth about things.  Some posters have more tact than others but that's just how things are in life in general.  Advice is given, it's your choice whether to take it or leave it.  Advice is not equal to:  OMG that's an awesome idea...when in fact it's horrible.  We'll point it out quickly enough.

    As for the ''gist of your view'', not everyone likes to be involved in wedding planning.  Shocker isn't it but it's true.  Truth is if you want to get married, YOU plan the wedding.  You shouldn't be asking here and there for unpaid wedding assistants/cooridnators/planners or whatever you want to call them.  If you don't want to plan it, hire a professional.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:19cc4da5-fd33-40bf-8fe0-bc4f213a79e7">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH mistake? : Okay you have 15 posts which means you're new to TK so allow me to explain. TK isn't a place where you'll get posters agreeing with you on everything.  We tell you the god-honest truth about things.  Some posters have more tact than others but that's just how things are in life in general.  Advice is given, it's your choice whether to take it or leave it.  Advice is not equal to:  OMG that's an awesome idea...when in fact it's horrible.  We'll point it out quickly enough. As for the ''gist of your view'', not everyone likes to be involved in wedding planning.  Shocker isn't it but it's true.  Truth is if you want to get married, YOU plan the wedding.  You shouldn't be asking here and there for unpaid wedding assistants/cooridnators/planners or whatever you want to call them.  If you don't want to plan it, hire a professional.
    Posted by Cynthia1207[/QUOTE]

    Don't want to plan it?  Are you joking?  Loving it!  Aren't you?  I just think it's sad that so many of you seem to be doing it alone.  (Not sad as in pathetic - sad as in, actually sad).

    Perhaps there was a misinterpreation in most of your tones, because when I read them, I felt that if I was the girl who posted the question in the first place, I would be utterly put off posting anymore in fear of getting my head bitten off - tact is most certainly abscent here.
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:29f10aa6-7e3b-4ff6-9c4c-91d551756795">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH mistake? : Don't want to plan it?  Are you joking?  Loving it!  Aren't you?  I just think it's sad that so many of you seem to be doing it alone.  (Not sad as in pathetic - sad as in, actually sad).
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    My husband and I largely planned our wedding on our own. Not for a lack of people offering to help - we had many family members and friends who graciously did things for us, paid for things as a gift or offered their assistance if we wanted to ask for it - but we ENJOYED planning it ourselves. It's nice to have people involved but it's also a headache to try and schedule a vendor appointment to meet everyone's timeframe, or to hear a million times, "Oh, if it were me I would [insert horrible idea here]."

    The reason? It was OUR wedding. Once we involved other people then we had to take THEIR opinions into account. Ever hear that saying about "too many cooks in the kitchen"? We're pretty laid-back people who wanted a low-key wedding, so it was much, MUCH easier to just make decisions on our own, execute them and then move on to something else. We didn't need a gaggle of friends coming with us to talk to a florist. Our wedding was one of the rare opportunities in life where we could be fully in charge of something on our own, so we took advantage of that.

    And, no, not everyone enjoys wedding planning. We loved our wedding, we still have people telling us how nice it was, and it was neat to be able to incorporate personal touches into such a great day. But I wouldn't do it again ... it's not always fun to have to keep vendor appointments, duck away from my desk to take a million phone calls from people, or write very large checks. It was aggrivating enough with just me and my husband involved in that ... never mind if we'd had a bunch of other friends and family who needed to be informed about every appointment and decision.

    To call people "pathetic" because they're not doing it the same way as you, or agreeing with you that a ton of friends ought to be involved, is just insulting, rude and childish.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:0a5df995-cd82-4b11-be54-8e1cdb0b1840">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH mistake? :  To call people "pathetic" because they're not doing it the same way as you, or agreeing with you that a ton of friends ought to be involved, is just insulting, rude and childish.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    See...I made a<strong> point </strong>of making sure ppl knew I wasn't using the word 'sad' to mean 'pathetic', I was using to actually mean 'sad'.  And you still took it offensively, and assummed I meant pathetic.  Dear dear me.  Please re-read.  I'm sure there was no need for you to be quite so harsh.
    The people who come with me to dress appointments and vendors are out of the following:  My Fiancé, My Mom, My Mom-in-Law & My Sister....hardly a ton of friends, although, if they were interested, and it was convinient, I certainly wouldn't be against sharing the experience with a select few.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:29f10aa6-7e3b-4ff6-9c4c-91d551756795">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH mistake? : Don't want to plan it?  Are you joking?  Loving it!  Aren't you?  I just think it's sad that so many of you seem to be doing it alone.  (Not sad as in pathetic - sad as in, actually sad).Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    Yes I happen to adore planning events in general so planning my wedding has been a blast but you need to recognize that not everyone is the same.  Everyone has different interests and it's not right to impose what you think is an important interest on someone else.  I'm not forcing my family or my friends to do things for me nor do I give them a "duties" list.  If they offer help, I accept graciously but I don't go around looking and fishing for help.

    For the record, it's not sad that people plan their wedding alone.  Some people happen to work better alone and it's a choice they make. 
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  • My FI has been the one going to all the bridal shows, cupcake tasting, florist appointments, and venue visits.  We've had a great time planning together,and I'm glad that he is the one I've been planning with.  Afterall HE is the one I'm marrying and it is OUR wedding to plan.  Many people may offer to help with things for your wedding, but NO ONE should ever be given a list of things they are expected to do regardless of whether they are family, MOH, or whatever.  In addition, my brother is my MOH and I could give a rat's a$$ whether he helps me or not.  He's one of my favorite people in this world and that is why I picked him to be my MOH.
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  • kateynjoekateynjoe member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    <font color="#ff00ff">In Response to </font><a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:79bda5f5-f08f-4c15-8a86-4f94bf68800a"><font color="#ff00ff">Re: MoH mistake?</font></a><font color="#ff00ff">:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MoH mistake?
    2) You said that your sister stood up for you while your mother was bashing your fiance. That's a HUGE show of support for your relationship. THAT is the kind of "support" that matters when you're getting married ... it doesn't matter if she's coming with you to florist appointments or helping you stuff invitations or listening to your menu plans. She went to bat for you when you truly needed her. What would be so "supportive" about a MOH who constantly ran errands for you but kept her mouth shut while your mother was saying what a jerk your fiance is? And you said that she always avoids drama, so it sounds like she was stepping WAY outside of her comfort zone in order to support you at that time.

    </font>This is a very good point!!!! I think the best advice given on this thread so far. 

    I have even been the bridesmaid that stepped up and helped in a lot of preperation ie... Batchelorette Party and showing support as in just being all around happy and excited for my friend and tagging along on shopping trips (which I love doing anyways). I never expected or even thought I should take the maid of honors place, it was just fun and something I enjoyed doing. I'm sure your bridesmaid is not expecting you to switch wedding party roles, she's helping so much because it's a way for "her" to show you she cares for you.... Just like your sister standing up for your FI was a show of "her" caring and supporting you.
     Oh my.... sorry it's long winded, but hopefully helps some. 
    "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!" ~Anonymous~ "It is far better to be small and *Shine* than to be big and cast a Shadow!" ~Anonymous~
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:049c4f7f-585d-43e5-939c-57a23a8cc46aPost:c8a3df3a-c076-425c-90d2-21852a889334">Re: MoH mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow....so many people seem to have taken offence to other people's opinions.  I thought these message boards were gentle discussions, offering advice and tips....it seems to have errupted into a full blown argument - and I feel sorry for the poor girl who dared even ask for help in the first place! The gist of my view is that I completely get where she's coming from, maybe it's because I have a fantastic sister who I love dearly, who is getting fully involved in every aspect?  A<strong>nyone who doesn't share the experience of planning a wedding with their sister/mother/girlfriend is missing out!!!! </strong> It's so much fun, and with 17months still to go to mine, I can't wait to things get into full swing and we can really go at it! And as Monica said in Friends "If you call our wedding a "party" one more time, you won't be invited!"  Let's be honest - it's WAY more than a party!
    Posted by HollytobeStaffordSmith[/QUOTE]

    This is not a fair statement to make; not everyone plans in the same way. Some brides don't have good relationships with their sisters or mothers so for those brides, maybe "missing out" is a good thing. 
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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