Tacky? Just had to double-check

janiesuper · May 2010

Even poor people have the right to get married and celebrate with their family. im pretty sure they wouldnt be spending 10K on a wedding though. I think you are wrong to judge and generalize when you don't know anything about people who ask for cash. So, with that, I dare you to put on your invitations "no gifts please, your present is our present" and don't set up a registry of any kind. In fact, why dont you return all your gifts and refuse a shower? Do you think you would do that? I doubt it.

kjreed · May 2010

It seems a bit tacky, setting up a paypal account sounds like soliciting for cash. I am not expecting anything but would be happy to receive anything. I set up a Honeymoon registry at Honeyfund and they take 0% of the cash sent to you. She could have set this up and just kept the cash if that was all she was interested.

MzelleRicaine · May 2010

I have to agree with Vee, ScienceChick and Rissa (whose response I thought was amazing!). I think it seems tacky because it's surprising; and a registry via paypal feels a little bit like... plasticware at a sit-down 4* dinner. In that case, it's just that the form feels weird, not the actual content.

Would I enjoy doing a registry? Hell yes! I can drool over hyped-up kitchen ware for hours on end. Is it practicle for our situation? Hell no! Registries are fabulous when the couple hasn't already lived together (esp. for timespans of several years), will be moving in together just before/after the wedding and will have the place to put all their registry items! Like some of the PPs have already evoqued, not all couples today fit that profile!

Personally, FI and I aren't doing a registry, and if guests want to give a gift, they'll be welcome to contribute towards a down payment on a house. Our reasoning is that 1. We have no space to be storing cuisinarts and fine china 2. I really don't see the practicality in our US guests shipping Crate and Barrel products over to Europe and 3. We don't know where we'll be settling down! Considering we have the choice between 2 different continents, I'm not interested in potentially paying ridiculous trans-atlantic shipping fees for blenders that will require socket converters anyway!

My father doesn't condone it and said it's unromantic, and I have to disagree. What's more romantic than helping two lovebirds "build" their nest? He also said the guests wouldn't be remembered individually for their gifts. Seriously, nesters, do you pick up your silver teaspoon and think "oh sweet Aunt Josephine, who lovingly spent $xx.xx on this spoon."? (My points being that registries are tacky period as you know, down to the penny, how much your guests are putting towards your gift; and that it's egotistical to give a gift in hopes that the receiver will think of you each time it's used.)

And finally, it can be argued that it's greener - there are far fewer CO² emmissions in a bank transfer than shipping china everywhere.

Otherwise, what's with all the girls saying "why are they spending $x on a wedding and then grubbing after gifts"? Who says the Bride and Groom are the ones financing it?

I hope that helps, Roselyn!
*m*

Hudmac · May 2010

I think it's actually a great idea. Setting up a paypal account is no different than registering at a store. Either one could be construed as soliciting gifts. I think friends and family would feel really good about donating money for such a practical purchase. Then they would know that they truly helped the couple get their life together started right. It's not like she is charging people to come to the wedding.

I side note I hope that whomever posted this note in the first place is not part of the bridal party. If I were the bride and I found out that one of my closest friends decided to bash me on the internet I would be so hurt. Your job as a bridesmaid is to shair in your friend/family members special day and do everything in your power to make it even more special. It's not to stand by and judge the bride, especially not behind her back, for what she decides to do. One thing I've realized planning a wedding is that it's impossible to please everyone and I think it's really sad that so many guests lose sight of the fact that weddings aren't about them at all. The bride and groom are most likely spending a lot of money to have everyone they care about be there for their wedding day. If you would have done something different, so be it. But back off of the bride-bashing please.

nicolepmarinelli · May 2010

In Response to Re: Tacky? Just had to double-check:
[QUOTE]I would say, imho, that what is tacky is coming on a website and bashing your friend behind her back. If you have an issue with something that she is doing, take it up with her, don't come to the internet where you can get complete strangers to make fun of her. Did you ask her her reasons for doing this? A lot of people are uncomfortable sending even checks through the mail any more. Perhaps she wants to provide ease and security for her guests. In that case, it's not asking her guests for money, any more than setting up an online registry is asking guests for gifts, it's providing them ease and convienience in case they decide to do so.
Posted by frog78[/QUOTE]

This exactly. It's none of your business what she does for her wedding. If you don't like it, good thing it's not your wedding!

Marilina · May 2010

Not tacky at all. Specially if they hare a "regular" registry as well, i think it is very appropiate.

Michele_Kelley · May 2010

That's actually hard to say. Nowadays they have websites where people can help pay for a honeymoon for the couple as a gift. Helping them with a house seems to be along those lines too. In the past it has been tacky to have a registry like that but it' more accepted now. I think you'll find that depending on the age group people will either say it's tacky or OK. Opera, Ellen Degeneres, Regis and Kelly, etc have all done shows on Weddings and said it was accepted Today. So, if they want to do it it's their Wedding and some people might like seeing that their git of money is going towards something that will be useful rather than blowing the gift of cash.

Pamela_Groom · May 2010

First of all, agreed, maybe you should be talking to your friend about this instead of internet bashing her.

I am also in agreement with the people who say different but maybe not tacky. The bottom line, even though people are not obligated to gave gifts or do not need to, is that people WANT to give gifts.

I am in a similar situation as other people. My FI have lived together for 8 years and are renting a house that is very full and has very little storage. It's not that we can't afford to buy our own house, we are both contributing to the household. Nor did we "blow" our entire house savings on a wedding. We have planned an affordable wedding that fits our budget. We just happen to live in a place where housing costs are very high and so it takes awhile to save for a house. Not only this, we are travelling for the wedding, so we don't really have a lot of suitcase space for toasters and food processors and china is likely to get broken.

It may be considered "rude" to register by some people because we all know that nobody is obligated to send a gift. Nor, I'm sure, is that the reason that anybody has a wedding. Let's face it, even if everybody gave you cash it would still not cover the cost of the wedding. so I highly doubt if anybody gets married for the presents.

But people want to know what you want and will use. This is 2010 and nobody wants to buy you something that is going to be returned or stored in the basement (many of my mothers wedding gifts are still there). People want to spend their money on something that you want, appreciate and will use. And asking for money, ESPECIALLY when people know what it's going towards, is no different then saying buy me this towel set.

My invitations went out 2 weeks ago and we felt that we would only let people know where we were registered through word of mouth. We have already had soooo many emails and phone calls asking where we are registered. Most people really do want to get you something that you will use or enjoy. And if worded correctly, I think that most people would understand and be happy to contribute towards your actual home, instead of the things inside of it. However, I do think that if asking for cash, be specific about what it's for. People do like to know that!

I think that everybody is so different and each person has to do what works for them as a couple and their situation. That's part of getting married too, or else everybody's wedding would be the same (BORING)!

elemami · May 2010

Not at all tacky. I love to give people money for whatever the hell it is they really want. I know they put that vase on their registry because they liked it, but I am confident they (as I) really don't NEED it and might actually prefer a home, horseback riding on the beach, or an upgrade to first class. I don't know why you folks who are asking for MATERIAL THINGS think asking for MATERIAL THINGS BOUGHT WITH MONEY is any less tacky than the money itself. Unless you are asking for homemade jam and quilts some cash is coming out of my pocket either way. I don't care what form you get it in as long as you don't get mad at me for not spending the requisite $100. I will be cheap either way and actually am more generous with my cash because I believe you will spend it on something more significant than china.

vtbd26 · May 2010

bank registries you can do that omg i have bin liveing with my man for 8 year and we have 3 kids most ppl want to give us cash i think its good to give ppl the choice on how they can give even if its paypal strange yes but tacky mady but now a day with ppl living together cash is nice when you have all the things you need :)and frog78 i this you are right glad some one said it

dandptadros · May 2010

I don't think asking for money (towards something) is tacky. I'm not sure Paypal is the way to go though. My fiance and I are getting married for the first time (we are in our 40's) and are "asking" for money as we have 2 of everything. Both our parents are spreading the "wish" by word of mouth. Everyone my parents have spoken too are not offended and feel it "makes sense". We are setting up a rectangular glass vase at the wedding (on the gift table) that is big enough for people to put envelopes in. We will probably register somewhere (but we're stressed at to what we'll register for!!!)

We're doing something similar for the shower.

PuppetSunshine · May 2010

Asking for cash can be tacky, and it's better to maybe ask for things to put in your new home, rather than a donation towards it. However, some people, especially those marrying later in life don't need the traditional wedding gifts and donations towards a cause might be best for them. As the guests will know more about the couple and thier situation cash may be the most fitting gift.

It's good to use a wish site of some sort though so that guests can see what exactly they are contributing to. It makes it more personal if they know they are giving you that special dinner on the beach, or money for the baby room.

My fiance and I live in Europe, he is from Australia, and we will be married in America so we have decided to go with a honeymoon registry simply because the logistics of moving all the wedding gifts would be a nightmare.

neknight86 · May 2010

I think people here are being far too critical. I would love to help someone buy their dream home rather than get them a toaster. It isn't all that uncommon to set up a fund to help pay for your honeymoon and I always thought that was a great idea. I plan on doing that and then sending thank you notes for everyone and setting aside one thing we did that they helped pay for. If a home is what you are working at there is nothing wrong with choosing that. Besides, as you said, she did set up a regular registry for the more traditional guests.

You should be nicer to your friends and chill out.

burlingtonbutterfly · May 2010

I completly agree with frog78, its even more tacky to come on the internet and bash someone who is supposed to be your friend.

To each their own.

starynight326 · May 2010

I'm a huge supporter of unique ideas for weddings, but this is pushing it a little bit. I'm sure that people may like knowing what the money is going to, but I think it is very tacky. If I were a guest I would choose to get them a different gift just out of rebelion of the Paypal option.

andibovi · May 2010

Yes, tacky... but to each her own.

Sweetie1and2 · May 2010

Really tacky! I had some friends who were in a similar situation but did something much classier. They were saving to build a house when they got married and had lived separatly for many years. They wrote something to the effect of: "We have had our own places for many years and now have two sets of everything. What we are really trying to do is build a house together so the best gifts for us would be gift cards to Home Depo or Lowes." I thing that is a much more tackful way to achieve what they were going for.

mchisolm · May 2010

I personally don't think this is tacky...it's the same thing as asking for fine china or crystal. And also, how special would it be, as a friend of the couple, to know that you contributed to their HOUSE? I'd love to know that I helped a friend get something they have dreamed about, even if I only contributed $50 towards it. I'll guarantee that helps them more in the long run than buying a toaster. Yeah sure, people will give them money without them asking, but I wouldn't....to me getting anyone cash as a gift is impersonal...but if their registry lets me know they need it, that's a different story.

And wow..."I think if people are so poor they have to solicit their friends and family for cash, why are they having a wedding in the first place?" is an insanely offensive comment. You don't know their situation. I have a friend who really can't afford a wedding right now, but let me tell you, I'd pay for my own plate, bring food to a potluck, etc, etc, etc in order to celebrate with her. Most people have weddings in order to celebrate with their friends, and if they need a little help in other areas to do this, as a friend I'd be all about it.

barakah856 · May 2010

I think it's a little tacky. If guests want to give money gifts, they just put a check or cash in with the card and bring it to the wedding. Most guests want to give a card anyway.

Livvy<3 · May 2010

I honestly don't see how it's any tackier then a normal registry. Also if your friend is getting married don't you think they would run across this post?

I think giftcards are even worst then a paypal registry. Forcing you to shop somewhere and you can't use it anywhere and with some you get fees taken off if you don't use it right away.

heidi431 · May 2010

I have had friends do the Honeyfund, where people donate for the honeymoon. Is this tacky too? We are not doing it b/c we thought it might be.

RochelleAnn2302 · May 2010

Maybe they should just build a house, then they could register at home depot

otherwise i would think it would be better to register through a site like http://www.mydreamhomeregistry.com or I think there are others too... Then at least people will feel like they are buying a gift instead of giving $$ and you might end up with more people doing it....

jamiebuchanan · May 2010

Outight asking is one thing, especially on top of other registries.

Though I do believe, and some of you will disagree, that if they did NOT need anything for their home or life after marriage (say someone has been together for a while and is finally tying the knot) but are wanting to move into a new home.

I MIGHT make a note, "donations to aid in the purchase of our new (first) home in lieu of gifts would be greatly appreciated".

pkswenson · May 2010

I agree. The paypal registry is tacky. I have heard of people registering at furniture stores. The guests purchase gift certificates for the couple to purchase furniture once they get a house. This didn't bothr me. What do you think? Is that too close to the same thing?

rcanales · May 2010

I'm actually on the fence about this one. I know A LOT of people think registries are tacky period but just wait until you don't register.... I was married once before and while I was grateful for each gift we got, I got some that I would've rather just not had anything (I really mean it when I say I wish some people didn't give anything, talks about tacky - the gifts fit some of that description). Gifts are nice but I want people to come enjoy them selves. So to me it doesn't matter, but more and more people automatically ask "Where are you/they registered?"

And to those bashing the bride who originally posted this: Who are you to judge HER? Why do you assume she is bashing her friend because she asked for an OPINION? And how do you know she DIND'T say anything. Talk about tacky, if you don't have an opinion about the post keep your rude opinions to yourself. This is a site to ask questions about weddings not to get attacked for it. And apparently theKnot liked it since they sent out an email with it being a headline.

molikiliki · May 2010

smells like greed to me =\

atheall · May 2010

I am sorry to all who think its ok but asking for mony for a home or a honeymoon is very tacky and even if people dont say it to your face they are saying that it is.

meseamans · May 2010

If I didn't think it was tacky I would do it 2

tinyboondockelf · May 2010

I don't know; I think asking for money is more practical than tacky, and can be done in some very tasteful ways. I mean, why is it not tacky to ask for a bunch of items for your household, but it's greedy and tacky to ask for money you can spend on what you really need or want, without having to inconvenience your guests or yourself with shopping, wrapping, returns, etc.? And if what you really want or need is a new house, how do you register for that?

A friend whose wedding I attended sent out a card with the invitations that said, "Your presence at this event is gift enough for us! But if you feel like giving something, we will gladly accept donations towards our honeymoon trip, which will be a train tour of a number of historic sites in the U.S. Or, if you see something you think we just can't live without, we will also gratefully accept!" I thought that was a perfectly acceptable way of indicating what they wanted--which was primarily the presence of their family and friends.

Also, the guests at one's wedding are family and friends. If they're willing to give gift cards at Christmas, or graduation, or whatever, to help you towards a purchase of something you truly need or want, or if they're willing to send you a check every once in a while to help out with the bills if you need it, why should they balk or be offended if you decline expensive knickknacks in favor of asking for money towards the purchase of your first home?

TaniaDave · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_tacky-just-double-check?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:6fcffcda-4c54-495e-bd77-70dca3182a60Post:fccedef6-f398-463f-8051-65959b9c0c8f">Re: Tacky? Just had to double-check</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if people are so poor they have to solicit their friends and family for cash, why are they having a wedding in the first place? Go to the courthouse, invite a handful of people over for champagne and cake and save the $4000, $10,000, $35,000 you'd blow on a party and voila... money for a house.
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]

I think everyone is allowed to want their dream wedding within their budget. Telling people to go to a courthouse isnt fare or nice.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />
 They have lived together im sure for a while and dont need a lot of house items.

[QUOTE]But I also got a boatload of ugly crystal knicknacks and mismatched decor which can't even be returned. I know people like to feel thoughtful by giving a gift they came up with on their own.[/QUOTE]

Re gift's

[QUOTE]Yes, tacky. And an insult to the guests' intelligence for this reason[/QUOTE]

Not all guests will think the way we do. My sister just had her wedding and she received many gifts that were not her taste and no receipt was included.
They will sit in a cabinet and never get used. I truly think guests would be happier knowing the gift they gave the bride and groom was used and not just sitting in a cabinet.

Most people have asked me if I will do registry or cash gift. Which is great but again that doesn’t happen often.

The girl did offer two other registries along with pay pal.

Look this is the bottom line.
Either your registry will be tacky, or your center pieces, or your linens or your dress or your colour concept.

SOMEONE will always have something they will say about a wedding that they felt was tacky.

The only thing that matters is. . . . Is the bride happy? groom happy?

at the end of the day that is what matters. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

Tacky? Just had to double-check

Re: Tacky? Just had to double-check

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