Cold Feet Stories

divadancer11 · February 2012

Please tell me your "cold feet" stories!!
How close was it to the wedding?
What was the issue?
Did you talk about this with your FI?
What was his/her reaction?
How did you resolve it?
Thank you!

annakb8 · February 2012

I never got cold feet.

ElleB87 · February 2012

I never got cold feet either

divadancer11 · February 2012

What about your FI's?

chumlee7478 · February 2012

It hasn't happened to us, thankfully! But it just happened to one of my good friends a little over a week ago. Her FI broke it off the day before the Super Bowl, said he couldn't handle the pressure of getting married or settling down, packed up his stuff and left the apartment they shared. Their wedding was ten months away.

To say my friend is devastated is an understatement. We had just hand addressed all of their save the dates the week prior, and then he broke everything off. It's so sad. There's more to the story we think, but that's the line he's toting "stress/pressure/losing freedom".

achiduck · February 2012

I was previously engaged at 22 and way to young/immature to be getting married. We had been together for 4 years and there wasn't really a good reason to stay together, nor was there a reason to break up. Once we actually got engaged, I realized within a few months that I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and that "shiit or get off the pot" to put it bluntly wasn't a reason to get married.

How close was it to the wedding? Two years - we were planning a very long engagement
What was the issue? I was too young, not ready to be married and not wanting to be married to my exFI
Did you talk about this with your FI? Eventually, yes
What was his/her reaction? Genuine surpirse and hurt (I still feel bad about it)
How did you resolve it? I ended it.

divadancer11 · February 2012

Nope just want to hear stories

achiduck · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:7ffa552a-b69e-4a67-a579-6eec3c068e9b">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]What about your FI's?
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]

Does your FI have cold feet?

ahhhitsshannyn · February 2012

I never got cold feet and H never got it that I know of either, at least not that he told me. I doubt he would though, I'm awesome.

ahhhitsshannyn · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:c04673c2-b494-407c-96f2-c56db55a86b9">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope just want to hear stories
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]

Why?

divadancer11 · February 2012

Not sure what it is yet but just want hear from people who have been through it...that is all

Habs2Hart · February 2012

Neither of us got cold feet either. We were both really excited to get married.

ahhhitsshannyn · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:b3b32526-ac69-4749-9979-d8960f191e78">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Not sure what it is yet </strong>but just want hear from people who have been through it...that is all
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]

You should probably talk to your FI about it, not everyone's situations are the same. If you think something is wrong, bring it up before the wedding.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:b3b32526-ac69-4749-9979-d8960f191e78">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure what it is yet but just want hear from people who have been through it...that is all
Posted by divadancer11[/QUOTE]

Well why not just tell us how you are feeling? Usually people are great at giving good advice on here. Nobody's situation will be as personal as yours, so it will be hard for you to figure out YOUR feelings based on other people's past experiences.

rlavach · February 2012

I'm actually experiencing cold feet right now. My FI and I have been arguing more and more as we get closer & closer. The pressure of planning a wedding, renting & furnishing an apartment & dealing with family dynamics has proved to be too much. I like to convince myself that it will go back to normal once all of those things are done, but I'm sure there will be other issues to take their place. No resolution yet.

MRads · February 2012

I got cold feet, and so did my bff. It wasn't so much that we were nervous about marrying our fiance, it was more that we were getting married. I don't really know how to describe it, but the week or two before the wedding, I got really nervous. It is a big commitment and the enormity just hit me. It really had nothing to do with H, but more doubts about my ability to keep a commitment.

I did not talk to H about it. I didn't talk to anybody, because in my heart, I knew I was making the right decision. I also didn't talk to H, because he had been engaged once before and 6 weeks before the wedding, she called it off. He was scared in the months leading up to the wedding that he would go through that again, and I didn't feel like talking about it with him would be productive.

It resolved itself, because when I analyzed my feelings, and the situation, I realized that I loved my H so much, and it didn't matter if we made a formal commitment to each other, that I was and will be committed to him. I can't imagine my life without him.

I also am the type of person who has a lot of confidence in a decision, until it is time to act on a decision and then I get scared. It happened with college - I only applied to one. It happened when deciding what to do after college. And it happened before the wedding.

annakb8 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:3f478b11-43bd-4bf5-b3ae-60a86d02f1a2">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm actually experiencing cold feet right now. My FI and I have been arguing more and more as we get closer & closer. The pressure of planning a wedding, renting & furnishing an apartment & dealing with family dynamics has proved to be too much. I like to convince myself that it will go back to normal once all of those things are done, but I'm sure there will be other issues to take their place. No resolution yet.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think this is pretty normal. We moved 2 weeks before our wedding and it was a lot of stress all at one time. We definitely got on each other's nerves a bit more than usual. We still knew we wanted to get married though, and after the move and the wedding were over these problems essentially disappeared.

</div>

Sydney91 · February 2012

I'm in the middle of warming mine up again. My FI's attitude was pretty horrible a few months ago (up until last week) and he wasn't telling me what was bugging him, but he could do plenty of glaring and complaining. I finally told him to pick a different attitude since he was wearing his welcome thin and things have been better. If his attitude doesn't stay positive, I've already talked to vendors about getting money back on deposits. I'm not signing on for 60 years of that junk, just as I wouldn't expect him to.

It doesn't help that our 3 roommates have been pointing out his faults to me (they are all in WP) and I have no idea what to do about some of them. My dad has been suggesting finding a new groom since he can't understand what I love about the one I have. There is no doubt that we are in love, but his grumpiness is overshaddowing everything positive.

brittneyh4 · February 2012

I met and got engaged with someone when I was 18 (turned 19 a week after the proposal). It was a terrible idea, and we didn't ever plan until the end. We moved in together in Dec, our wedding was set for June and the only thing I had done was ordered my dress (when now with this engagement, I am done with most everything four months before the wedding).

How close was it to the wedding? About 6 weeks. I left end of April. Mind you, still nothing had been planned but my dress, the date and the venue (free, a family home).

What was the issue? I was way too young (would've been newly 21 by the wedding date, he was 20) and he was a psychopath to put it lightly. Once we moved in together he got abusive and controlling. It took me five months to get away once it started getting bad.

Did you talk about this with your FI? I don't think I ever even gave him a reason.. he knew we had issues and for my safety I just had to get away.

What was his/her reaction? He tried to light our apartment on fire...

How did you resolve it? I waited until he was at work, called and explained the situation to my boss and had everything I could pack into my SUV in there and moved back home with family ASAP. He got all the furniture etc. It wasn't worth my life to go back there and see him.

Now, absolutely no cold feet. I'm terrified to be in front of 150 people because of 'stage' fright, but I have no doubts or worries about the man I'm marrying.

rlavach · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:73db117f-f55d-4729-adb5-a86e3a820ddf">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cold Feet Stories : I think this is pretty normal. We moved 2 weeks before our wedding and it was a lot of stress all at one time. We definitely got on each other's nerves a bit more than usual. We still knew we wanted to get married though, and after the move and the wedding were over these problems essentially disappeared.
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]
I really hope that this will be true for us also. There is that lingering fear that we'll be the unusual case where it doesn't go away. There are so many ways that this is overwhelming me and I feel that I don't have enough time to process it all. We're under 2.5 months. How am I supposed to make that decision now? <---rhetorical question, I don't expect anyone to give me a solution because I'm well aware that no one can answer it for me, unfortunately.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

I never got cold feet but I was nervous as the hell the night before. I'm not sure what I was so nervous about - just taking a big life step, I guess. The day of - I had not one care in the world. It could have rained buckets, the food could have been horrible, my wedding dress could have been ruined, but as long as Jay and I were married, the day would have been perfect.

I lub my husband :-)

stefaniewattie · February 2012

I have had a couple of moments - with all the stress of wedding planning, the finances, the big decisions, the guest list..its a lot to deal with in a short period of time. Plus, my family recently suffered a tragic loss so with all that added on..its hard.
How I knew it would be ok and that I wanted to marry FI, that my cold feet was just stress? He has been my rock through it all, his love, companionship and support has kept me going, the hardships have made us stronger. I know marrying him is the best and ONLY decision there is.
I know after the wedding is over, alot of the stressful things will be over but I also know that we can get through anything because this year has been the absolute worst and it has made us stronger.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:1dbc4190-ed9e-4c53-a8fb-55e3a0fe3625">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cold Feet Stories : I really hope that this will be true for us also. There is that lingering fear that we'll be the unusual case where it doesn't go away. There are so many ways that this is overwhelming me and I feel that I don't have enough time to process it all. We're under 2.5 months. How am I supposed to make that decision now? <---rhetorical question, I don't expect anyone to give me a solution because I'm well aware that no one can answer it for me, unfortunately.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

It sounds like maybe you guys are just taking general life stress out on each other - maybe have a conversation about how you'd prefer to deal with stress (since I can't imagine "getting into arguments with my spouse" is anyone's ideal coping strategy for stress)?

I know I have a tendency to take stress out on the people I trust, and it was something FI and I had a few serious conversations about when we moved in together. It turned out that what I needed to do was talk to him more about the sources of my stress before it turned into fighting. Now I make more of a point of identifying and talking about sources of stress <em>before</em> getting to the point where I feel like I'm going to blow up, and the fighting has been reduced dramatically.

mkrupar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:82f6b380-d3ad-4500-8dd8-86f22710a19d">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]I got cold feet, and so did my bff. It wasn't so much that we were nervous about marrying our fiance, it was more that we were getting married. I don't really know how to describe it, but the week or two before the wedding, I got really nervous. It is a big commitment and the enormity just hit me. It really had nothing to do with H, but more doubts about my ability to keep a commitment. I did not talk to H about it. I didn't talk to anybody, because in my heart, I knew I was making the right decision. I also didn't talk to H, because he had been engaged once before and 6 weeks before the wedding, she called it off. He was scared in the months leading up to the wedding that he would go through that again, and I didn't feel like talking about it with him would be productive. It resolved itself, because when I analyzed my feelings, and the situation, I realized that I loved my H so much, <strong>and it didn't matter if we made a formal commitment to each other, that I was and will be committed to him. </strong> I can't imagine my life without him. I also am the type of person who has a lot of confidence in a decision, until it is time to act on a decision and then I get scared. It happened with college - I only applied to one. It happened when deciding what to do after college. And it happened before the wedding.
Posted by MRads[/QUOTE]

I think this thinking makes all the difference in the world. H and I would be together, married or not. Having an LDR while dating was not enough for us to break anything off. Even if he hadn't asked me to marry him I'd still be committed to him.

All this to say, never had cold feet.

likeadeadstar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:4c440a11-ced4-4a4c-b15f-1258b04e124b">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]I met and got engaged with someone when I was 18 (turned 19 a week after the proposal). It was a terrible idea, and we didn't ever plan until the end. We moved in together in Dec, our wedding was set for June and the only thing I had done was ordered my dress (when now with this engagement, I am done with most everything four months before the wedding). How close was it to the wedding? About 6 weeks. I left end of April. Mind you, still nothing had been planned but my dress, the date and the venue (free, a family home). What was the issue? I was way too young (would've been newly 21 by the wedding date, he was 20) and he was a psychopath to put it lightly. Once we moved in together he got abusive and controlling. It took me five months to get away once it started getting bad. Did you talk about this with your FI? I don't think I ever even gave him a reason.. he knew we had issues and for my safety I just had to get away. What was his/her reaction? He tried to light our apartment on fire... How did you resolve it? I waited until he was at work, called and explained the situation to my boss and had everything I could pack into my SUV in there and moved back home with family ASAP. He got all the furniture etc. It wasn't worth my life to go back there and see him. Now, absolutely no cold feet. I'm terrified to be in front of 150 people because of 'stage' fright, but I have no doubts or worries about the man I'm marrying.
Posted by brittneyh4[/QUOTE]

It takes a lot of strength to leave like that, and to rise above it and find love and trust in it again. I'm so happy that you got away, and found the man you deserved.

jemmini6 · February 2012

I got cold feet about the wedding, not the marriage. As we were planning and budgeting, I kind of wanted to just call the whole thing off and just elope in Hawaii or something. I wanted to marry H more than anything, but I was having buyers remorse about spending so much on a wedding. In the end though, even that was worth it. We had such a beautiful day and it was nice to get to celebrate with our closest friends and family, plus we had budgeted and saved really well so it didn't feel like as big of a financial burden as I thought when we first got engaged.

aragx6 · February 2012

I haven't had any serious cold feet yet (more just a "holy crap; how can anyone spend this much money!?" when we paid the deposit at our venue), but I've had them in the past (we've been together for 8 years, since freshman year of college).

I think, for me, a big part of that was my own issues -- fear of commitment, lack of belief in long-term withstanding love etc.

It was only time that could lessen those fears for me -- that and the continual support of my FI. He's always been a rock. When my dad committed suicide and I just about lost it, he was there for me for as long as I needed to get better. It was around that time I began to really, for the first time, get love, KWIM?

missegg · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:1dbc4190-ed9e-4c53-a8fb-55e3a0fe3625">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cold Feet Stories : I really hope that this will be true for us also. There is that lingering fear that we'll be the unusual case where it doesn't go away. There are so many ways that this is overwhelming me and I feel that I don't have enough time to process it all. We're under 2.5 months. How am I supposed to make that decision now? <---rhetorical question, I don't expect anyone to give me a solution because I'm well aware that no one can answer it for me, unfortunately.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

<div>I know it's hard with so much going on, but try to take a day off (together) from life. Don't think about the wedding, the apartment, the family drama and just enjoy spending time together. I'm a 4-14 bride so I know it's getting to be crunch time, and as much as I would love to spend the weekends convincing FI to help me with my DIY projects, sometimes just snuggling up on the couch and watching tv is a better use of our time. We both decompress and relax and it gives me time to remember why I want to spend my life with him.</div>

rlavach · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:ada63d77-b496-431c-a324-48c5c499e026">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cold Feet Stories : It sounds like maybe you guys are just taking general life stress out on each other - maybe have a conversation about how you'd prefer to deal with stress (since I can't imagine "getting into arguments with my spouse" is anyone's ideal coping strategy for stress)? I know I have a tendency to take stress out on the people I trust, and it was something FI and I had a few serious conversations about when we moved in together. It turned out that what I needed to do was talk to him more about the sources of my stress before it turned into fighting. Now I make more of a point of identifying and talking about sources of stress before getting to the point where I feel like I'm going to blow up, and the fighting has been reduced dramatically.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
I see what you mean. I do feel that outside sources are what are making our attitudes negative, which pushes each other. We won't live together until we're married, so I think that's what's adding to my concern. We just have to try harder.

Kate61487 · February 2012

Neither of us got cold feet. I actually asked him about it a few months after the fact b/c of a thing on tv were a woman said "everyone questions whether or not they should get married" and we were both like "uhhh, no?"

In the span of 12 months we: moved in together (renting), got engaged, bought a house, and got married. There were certainly stresses there, but throughout the whole thing he was always on my side, going through it with me. I never questioned it. (I did get some serious butterflies in the 20 min pre-ceremony though :-)

My brother's ex apparently did get cold feet; we found out after the fact that she told her mom she wasn't sure, and her mom calmed her down and talked her out of postponing/cancelling. Kinda wish she hadn't, since less than a year later they were divorced and I imagine calling off the engagement would have been less heartbreaking for my brother than to have months of pretending everything was okay and then to tell people they were divorced such a short while later.

I'm NOT trying to say cold feet should make you call it off, but definitely try to have some self reflection and see what the root of your anxiety is. It might be nothing, but it might not.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cold-feet-stories?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6827f4c-abd4-45ee-97a4-ffa631de6f31Post:b71b9609-c639-4ca3-ad4d-4fa78d595441">Re: Cold Feet Stories</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cold Feet Stories : I see what you mean. I do feel that outside sources are what are making our attitudes negative, which pushes each other. We won't live together until we're married, so I think that's what's adding to my concern. We just have to try harder.
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

The adjustment to living together was hard for us. We had both lived alone for several years before moving in together, and we just weren't used to the idea of having to accommodate another person all the time, KWIM? The best piece of advice I can give is this: make sure you stick to the actual problems whenever you discuss anything. Example: I am completely disorganized. FI loves order (his DVD collection is sorted by genre and then alphabetized within each subcategory). At first, our arguments were "You're too messy!" "Shut up, you're too uptight!" Not constructive.

After much discussion, we figured out that his <em>actual</em> problem with me was me leaving things out in the living room, and creating "disorder." My <em>actual</em> problem was that I felt like I had no personal space, since he needed our second bedroom for a home office and all of the rest of the space in the apartment (bedroom, living room, bathroom, etc.) is shared. The solution ended up being carving out a corner of the bedroom and one end table in the living room for me to keep my personal belongings on, in whatever state I felt like keeping them in. My "mess" was contained (so FI doesn't feel stressed by my stuff being "all over the place") and I didn't feel so shut out of our living space anymore, KWIM? Focus on fixing the things that are actually bothering you, and don't get caught up in "you're messy/rude/inconsiderate/don't care/whatever!" "no you are!" type of arguments, and you'll be just fine. :-)

Cold Feet Stories

Re: Cold Feet Stories

Choose Another Board

Search Boards