Getting married before the wedding????

cowboylady09 · May 2011

Just my two cents because I want people to know life happens and in the end it's what you want. My FI and I have had an EXTENSIVE discussion about out plans for our wedding. Three months ago I put a deposit down on everything that we needed and our date was set. A month ago his mom told him he would have to take out student loans for the next year and a half because she couldn't afford to help him through school. There was no decrease in income, her eldest son she put through school but her youngest, my FI is told to get loans. In total it would cost him $35,000 in loans to finish out, plus I have money already set aside for him to attend grad school because that was our plan. We know that if we got married legally it would save us money in the end. We have a "Commitment Service" which is where we will sign the paper work and then have our ceremony and reception next fall just as we had planned. Life happens, do what makes you happy and works for you situation. In our situation we would much rather not put ourselves into debt if we didn't have to. Unfortunately our finances don't support us moving the date up any closer than we had prepared for.

cowboylady09 · May 2011

I agree with you. I know it's your two cents, but I agree.

srfgirlie5 · May 2011

This is one of those things that is becoming all too common. I don't really care for it but sometimes people have a good reason to do it. I have a couple friends and a cousin that were married and then had a wedding but two were military and did it for depoloyment/stationing reasons. The other needed medical insurance so they got hitched about 6 months before the actual wedding. One of the military friends had a vow renewal instead of an actual wedding which I thought was a little more tasteful. She still wore the dress, had the cake etc...

I'd say go ahead and get married before hand if you have a valid reason. Not just I want to get married in my home town. If that's the case have your actual wedding in your home town either before you move or after. You also don't want to lie to people about it. Don't make it a secret that you're already married because that's just plain wrong.

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:60e61b31-0b31-4d39-bd42-f1daa5d59dd3">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]This is one of those things that is becoming all too common. I don't really care for it but sometimes people have a<strong> good reason to do it</strong>. I have a couple friends and a cousin that were married and then had a wedding<strong> but two were military and did it for depoloyment/stationing reasons. The other needed medical insurance so they got hitched about 6 months before the actual wedding.</strong> One of the military friends had a vow renewal instead of an actual wedding which I thought was a little more tasteful. She still wore the dress, had the cake etc... I'd say go ahead and get married before hand if you have a valid reason. Not just I want to get married in my home town. If that's the case have your actual wedding in your home town either before you move or after. You also don't want to lie to people about it. Don't make it a secret that you're already married because that's just plain wrong.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

I still don't think that those are "good" reasons for trying to have two weddings. You think you need to get married for insurance reasons? Fine. Get married. But that IS your wedding. Your FI is getting deployed? Find. Get married. But that IS your wedding. I honestly can't come up with a valid reason that people NEED two weddings.

srfgirlie5 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:4ee6f844-a8c5-42e6-82dc-4eab8179b928">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married before the wedding???? : I still don't think that those are "good" reasons for trying to have two weddings. You think you need to get married for insurance reasons? Fine. Get married. But that IS your wedding. Your FI is getting deployed? Find. Get married. But that IS your wedding. I honestly can't come up with a valid reason that people NEED two weddings.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Just because you don't think those are valid reasons doesn't mean they aren't valid. It seems to be the label that you're caught up on. If that's so important call the courthouse the wedding and the celebration later just that a celebration, vow renewal or reception. Seriously though, what's the difference from people who get married at a destination and have a reception at home or a small intimate just family wedding and a reception later for everyone? Seems the same to me it's just what you call it that seems to be problem. I do agree with you that it should not be a SECOND wedding. When people do this they just need to make sure they do it in a tasteful and honest way if not at all.

srfgirlie5 · May 2011

Maybe it's not good enough. I wouldn't be happy with a courthouse wedding. I'd want the whole shebang. Just look at it like this. Say you and your fiance are both in the military. You've been planning a wedding and you find out that either you or both of you are going to be relocated, have no idea where or even if you'll be semi close. Say you only have extremely limited notice and they only way to prevent being sent 1,000's of miles away from eachother is if you get hitched right away.

You then give up your dream of sharing your vows with your family and friends because you don't want to be seperated? I feel bad for people in those types of situations especially those that are giving their lives for our country. Just because they're put between a rock and a hard spot doesn't mean they should be deprived of a traditional wedding if that's what they want. Sure, don't call it a wedding. Call it a vow renewal but I don't see anything wrong with having a vow renewal a year later and even wearing a white dress.

I think there's exceptions to every rule. Afterall, most brides these days shouldn't even be wearing white... but guess what they do. Are you against people who aren't virgins wearing a white dress too? Seems like this hypercritical view could be a little hypocritical and judgemental.

artbyallie · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:0b704ef2-ea82-43fc-8b10-b86be62f22d9">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's not good enough. I wouldn't be happy with a courthouse wedding. I'd want the whole shebang. <div><strong>Then have the whole shebang instead of going to the courthouse. Not both.</strong></div><div>Just look at it like this. Say you and your fiance are both in the military. You've been planning a wedding and you find out that either you or both of you are going to be relocated, have no idea where or even if you'll be semi close. Say you only have extremely limited notice and they only way to prevent being sent 1,000's of miles away from eachother is if you get hitched right away. You then give up your dream of sharing your vows with your family and friends because you don't want to be seperated?</div><div><strong>Being long distance for a while won't kill you. My fiancé isn't military, but we lived far apart for two years while dating.</strong></div><div> I feel bad for people in those types of situations especially those that are giving their lives for our country. Just because they're put between a rock and a hard spot doesn't mean they should be deprived of a traditional wedding if that's what they want.</div><div><strong>They're not being deprived of a traditional wedding at all. They may just have to wait a bit longer to have one. Incidentally, my FSIL planned her wedding in a month and still did the big white dress PPD so she could move with her AF man.</strong></div><div> Sure, don't call it a wedding. Call it a vow renewal but I don't see anything wrong with having a vow renewal a year later and even wearing a white dress. I think there's exceptions to every rule. Afterall, most brides these days shouldn't even be wearing white... but guess what they do. Are you against people who aren't virgins wearing a white dress too? </div><div><strong>White wedding dresses symbolize wealth, not virginity.</strong></div><div>Seems like this hypercritical view could be a little hypocritical and judgemental.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

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srfgirlie5 · May 2011

After looking this up we're both wrong about the wedding dress. White wedding dresses do not symbolize wealth. Wedding dresses over the centuries of the wealthy were made of rich, bold, expensive colors/fabric. It seems Queen Victoria wore a white dress and people started to copy in honor of her. It then became tied in to purity. Christianity has many white "dresses" worn in christening, clergy etc... so it became tied in to that as well.

artbyallie · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:d0d17906-0952-4b43-9ffa-a2d6ea90ab8a">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]After looking this up we're both wrong about the wedding dress. White wedding dresses do not symbolize wealth. Wedding dresses over the centuries of the wealthy were made of rich, bold, expensive colors/fabric. It seems Queen Victoria wore a white dress and people started to copy in honor of her. It then became tied in to purity. Christianity has many white "dresses" worn in christening, clergy etc... so it became tied in to that as well.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

<div>My point is that white wedding dresses are highly impractical and Queen Victoria could afford to have something so frivolous. Wedding dresses used to just be a really nice dress you could wear again later. White dresses are too easily messed up to last for long.</div>

RumisYogaVegan · May 2011

I am actually very saddened by the people here who believe that you cannot have a "REAL WEDDING" if you're already married...

The wedding is NOT about the gifts or the "pretty princess day" as you so call it, it's about celebrating the couple. If a couple wanted to have 50 weddings over the course of the year because they want to celebrate each other that completely, how could that NOT be wonderful? Those that say that having a second wedding is just about squeezing out gifts are the ones who only care about material things.

My dear, please have a small intimate ceremony now, and then have your "religious/spiritual" wedding with all your friends and family. It will take off the stress and truly turn the wedding into a celebration of your love. No worries about brides or grooms showing up either...

Goodness...

artbyallie · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:7720c0ad-aed1-490c-8ce3-daf6d44c598a">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I am actually very saddened by the people here who believe that you cannot have a "REAL WEDDING" if you're already married... The wedding is NOT about the gifts or the "pretty princess day" as you so call it, it's about celebrating the couple. If a couple wanted to have 50 weddings over the course of the year because they want to celebrate each other that completely, how could that NOT be wonderful? Those that say that having a second wedding is just about squeezing out gifts are the ones who only care about material things. My dear, please have a small intimate ceremony now, and then have your "religious/spiritual" wedding with all your friends and family. It will take off the stress and truly turn the wedding into a celebration of your love. No worries about brides or grooms showing up either... Goodness...
Posted by RumisYogaVegan[/QUOTE]

<div>Uh, no. The wedding is about <em>getting married</em>. You can't do that if you're already married once.</div>

trix1223 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:7720c0ad-aed1-490c-8ce3-daf6d44c598a">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I am actually very saddened by the people here who believe that you cannot have a "REAL WEDDING" if you're already married... The wedding is NOT about the gifts or the "pretty princess day" as you so call it, it's about celebrating the couple. If a couple wanted to have 50 weddings over the course of the year because they want to celebrate each other that completely, how could that NOT be wonderful? Those that say that having a second wedding is just about squeezing out gifts are the ones who only care about material things. My dear, please have a small intimate ceremony now, and then have your "religious/spiritual" wedding with all your friends and family. It will take off the stress and truly turn the wedding into a celebration of your love. No worries about brides or grooms showing up either... Goodness...
Posted by RumisYogaVegan[/QUOTE]

You can have a "celebration" every single day of your marriage if you feel inclined to do that. The point here, that nearly EVERYONE is making, is that you can only have one WEDDING. After that, you're married, so anything else that follows is a celebration of the initial (and only) wedding ceremony.

The term "second wedding" only works if there's been a divorce between wedding #1 and wedding #2.

amys325 · May 2011

My husband's parents couldn't be at our DW because his mother was in a car accident a few weeks beforehand. We were thinking of doing a small ceremony at the AHR in his hometown a few months later. Everyone knew we were already married, but we were going to do it because his parent's couldn't be with us on our "wedding" day and we wanted them to witness our vows to one another. Is this wrong?

We ended up Skyping the ceremony from St. Thomas and hiring a videographer instead, but the thought of "having a second ceremony/wedding is wrong" never crossed my mind.

I honestly can't see what's so wrong about what the OP is planning on doing.

trix1223 · May 2011

Amy: here's my issue with your situation. I'm sorry for what happened to your MIL, and I think it's a shame that she couldn't make the ceremony. It would have broken my heart to miss the weddings of my children.

But I don't see how saying "vows" later is meaningful. It's not the ceremony where you were married. You're already married, so you've said those vows. And re-creating them so your MIL can "see you repeat vows" just isn't the same thing.

It's like this: when DH and I were married, our church had strict rules about photography. So our photographer "re-created" ceremony pictures after the ceremony was over. There are photos of us kneeling and receiving the benediction from our minister. There are photos of us putting the rings on each other's hand, and more. And in every picture, we're smirking, because we KNEW it wasn't the real thing. It was do-over for the photo op.

We didn't choose a single one of those photos for our album, because they weren't the real thing.

Again, I'm sorry for your MIL's injuries. I hope that each day she's getting stronger and healthier, and that she's back to her full health and life soon!

GL

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:49ce6ba3-630f-40b1-933b-5935880f5472">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]Amy: here's my issue with your situation. I'm sorry for what happened to your MIL, and I think it's a shame that she couldn't make the ceremony. It would have broken my heart to miss the weddings of my children. But I don't see how saying "vows" later is meaningful. It's not the ceremony where you were married. You're already married, so you've said those vows. And re-creating them so your MIL can "see you repeat vows" just isn't the same thing. It's like this: when DH and I were married, our church had strict rules about photography. So our photographer "re-created" ceremony pictures after the ceremony was over. There are photos of us kneeling and receiving the benediction from our minister. There are photos of us putting the rings on each other's hand, and more. And in every picture, we're smirking, because we KNEW it wasn't the real thing. It was do-over for the photo op. We didn't choose a single one of those photos for our album, because they weren't the real thing. Again, I'm sorry for your MIL's injuries. I hope that each day she's getting stronger and healthier, and that she's back to her full health and life soon! GL
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

<div>But the whole point is that it would have been meaningful for my MIL and FIL. They weren't there for the real thing so it would have been like the first time, just as the OPs friends and family weren't there for the first time. </div><div>
</div><div>I just think a lot of you are not realizing why these women want to have a big wedding (or PPD as you all callously say). Their friends and family weren't there with them on the original day, so they want to do it again to enjoy it and celebrate it with everyone. Just as my MIL and FIL weren't able to celebrate it with us.</div><div>
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Getting married before the wedding????

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