Another AE with a problem

BabyDuckHat · August 2010

I will look into counseling. I just feel so weird about this.

missy68 · August 2010

Did he make you feel like shiit? Did you/ do you feel worthless? Were you scared? Did you turn into someone you weren't when you were with him? Did he make you do things you didn't necessarily want to do?

Did you answer yes to any of those?

Then you have your answer.

BabyDuckHat · August 2010

What am I supposed to say to my FI? I was in a bad relationship and now I feel like I should see a counselor about it?

J&K10910 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_another-ae-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:298cd24f-1136-4991-a92c-7cc1774149cePost:ec73ffe6-b9c7-4796-a475-8ee1f28b3ed1">Re: Another AE with a problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I will look into counseling. I just feel so weird about this.
Posted by BabyDuckHat[/QUOTE]

Weird about counseling? Or the whole situation in general? I think either is completely understandable. But it's worth a try at least, yes? If you hate and it's awful, at least you attempted to make the situation better for yourself, and you can't regret that.

BabyDuckHat · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_another-ae-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:298cd24f-1136-4991-a92c-7cc1774149cePost:8be1d38e-5ea3-478a-9a46-b4409cf0de60">Re: Another AE with a problem</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another AE with a problem : Weird about counseling? Or the whole situation in general? I think either is completely understandable. But it's worth a try at least, yes? If you hate and it's awful, at least you attempted to make the situation better for yourself, and you can't regret that.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Both. You're right though. I got some pretty consistent advice.

J&K10910 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_another-ae-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:298cd24f-1136-4991-a92c-7cc1774149cePost:cbc1dc1b-7124-455e-8a35-2ca965968415">Re: Another AE with a problem</a>:
[QUOTE]What am I supposed to say to my FI? I was in a bad relationship and now I feel like I should see a counselor about it?
Posted by BabyDuckHat[/QUOTE]

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, if it were me, I'd start by telling him about the relationship. But I can understand if you're not ready to go into details. If that's the case, I'd give him the basics "I was in an abusive relationship in the past, and I really feel like I could benefit from counseling. I'm really scared to tell you the details right now, but in time I think I'll get there." You can always invite him to a counseling session for your counselor to support you and help you in telling him what happened when you're more comfortable, if that's something that would make it easier.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

What J&K said. Start by explaining the situation and why you think it's affecting you, and whether or not you feel you'd benefit from therapy. You don't have to go into details, but if this is having an impact on your relationship then your FI needs to know about it.

missy68 · August 2010

J&K is giving good advice. A counselor is a good mediator, and a safe place to let your FI know some of the details when you're ready.

When J does something that is like what my ex used to do, I usually withdraw and have to tell him why it's upset me. He never, EVER means it the same way, and is horrified that he's brought memories up, but is glad I can share that with him.

redheadfsu · August 2010

This is very much abuse. You should have gotten an injunction, and if you ever see/hear from him again get one. With the amount of abuse that you have experienced from him, any level of contact from him would warrent an injunction.
Don't call him. Get closure from counseling. Do not call his friends, do not show any concern for him. If he finds out that you want to make sure he is ok, he will take that for you wanting him. He is a troubled man, please leave him alone. But, you need to seek serious counseling now. Try a local domestic abuse center for recommendations for counselors that can help you. Once you feel safe the with the counselor you may want to have your FI also attend. But right now just get a counselor asap. GL

BabyDuckHat · August 2010

Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate it so much. I will look into counseling and try to talk to my FI and sort this out.

J&K10910 · August 2010

Good luck! I'll be thinking about you, so if you ever feel comfortable coming back with an update, I know I'd be curious.

FutureMrsFraser · August 2010

Good Luck. I'm glad you are going to seek help and talk to your FI. We are here for you as well if you need anyone to talk to.

BabyDuckHat · August 2010

I can't thank you all enough. You've made me feel a lot better about the situation. I promise to update!

michaelandjulie2 · August 2010

I just wanted to add that it is completely normal to feel like counseling won't help, that your situation isn't severe enough, or that people will judge you for it. The thought of going to therapy often feels uncomfortable.

I think that one of the best things you can do for yourself try going to at least 2 sessions. A good therapist will try to understand your situation and help you identify goals for your therapy. From what you've said, you want closure about what happened, and you want to move past it so you can feel more secure in your current relationship. Not only are those valid goals, they are very common- even for women who have not been stalked and abused. Sometimes moving past a relationship takes help from a professional.

And yes, you might find that the first therapist you approach and meet with might not be the one that will help you. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find someone who is really able to connect with you. I second the advice to get a recommendation from someone who helps abused women. Living in fear, having nightmares, and other "symptoms" you have been having do not just appear. There is a cause, and you know exactly what the cause is. A professional will be able to help you work through those thoughts and emotions.

As far as telling your FI, only you can decide what and when is appropriate. I would imagine that he would be supportive of you. There is a chance that he might also be uncomfortable with the idea of therapy , even if he will not be participating, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't want you to do what is right for you. Like I said before sometimes the thought of therapy is just uncomfortable for people.

You have already made a huge step by opening up on here. I am so sorry that you feel the way that you do and that people do things like this. I really hope that you consider the advice that you've been given here and that you make the best decision for yourself.

ETA: It took me forever to type this, and I see that I missed a number of posts, and that you are already considering seeing someone. I am sorry for the redundant information!

[Deleted User] · August 2010

Good luck BDH.

JudieN · August 2010

I was a little late reading this - but when I was reading your original post...it reminded me of a situation I was in with an ex about ten years ago. Really - word for word, very similar situation - right down to the suicide threats. Ex was extremely unbalanced, and I actually communicated a lot with his family while trying to get this (or him rather) under control and out of my life.

I have not heard from him in about 5 years now - but I understand the desire to know how he is...or wonder what he is up to. I still have those thoughts occasionally. But I also remind myself of how scary the entire situation was - how abusive it really was - and I know that, regardless of how well he is or is not doing, that potential is always there in him.

I am glad to hear you are thinking of seeking help. I never went to counseling, but my FI knows all about the ex and this situation. I talked with him and other boyfriends before him extensively about what I went through. I also spoke to my mom, my sister and many of my friends about the situation. They were my counselors. I feel lucky that I have such an amazing group of family and friends to help me through all this. But I can't imagine being where I am now, starting a life with FI and him not knowing this about my past. So I 100% support you talking to your FI about this, and getting some help. You will slowly begin to realize that this experience in your life does not make you weak, in fact, it makes you stronger. And you will begin to work through your fear and intimidation caused by this guy, and realize how amazing your relationship with your FI is, and how healthy, and how supportive it is.

Best of luck.

polichik · August 2010

OP, I'm glad that you're considering counseling. It can work wonders in these situations. My experience was nothing like yours, but I was sexually assaulted in college. My two best friends had been raped in abusive relationships, and I also felt that my experience wasn't valid or that big of a deal. With time and extensive counseling, I now see it differently, and I can understand that everyone's experiences are different, and we all have a right to react to them and feel pain from them.

If you are comfortable doing so, please e-mail me (I'm going to PM you my real e-mail address) or PM me under either name if you'd like me to get you a referral. I'm connected to a network of psychotherapists and can get you contact information for a qualified person in your area. If you consider telling your FI, even if it's a ways down the road, a therapist can be incredibly helpful. I would never attempt to diagnose or offer legit therapy online, but what I can say in generalities is that many people who experience violence in relationships, be it physical, sexual, emotional, or oltherwise, can have trouble adjusting to new relationships and often can experience flashbacks of the unhealthy relationship. The good news is that there are many trained therapists who are familiar with these situations and who can help people recover and be able to be in healthy, strong, open relationships. I don't have an exact percentage rate of success, but it's very high, and higher than many other presenting problems.

Best of luck, and please contact me if you'd like to.

polichik · August 2010

Ah, I see that your username has been deleted. If you'd like to contact me and feel comfortable PMing me, I will maintain your confidentiality.

BabyDuckHat · August 2010

Poli YGPM

kpwedkk · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_another-ae-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:298cd24f-1136-4991-a92c-7cc1774149cePost:cbc1dc1b-7124-455e-8a35-2ca965968415">Re: Another AE with a problem</a>:
[QUOTE]What am I supposed to say to my FI? I was in a bad relationship and now I feel like I should see a counselor about it?
Posted by BabyDuckHat[/QUOTE]

Yes absolutely. In order for you and your fiance to have a happier life, the counselor will show you ways to ignore, and with positive reinforcement your bad relationship, which it seems like keeps coming up and interferring with your current life.

You can tell your fiance, that nothing in the world makes you happier, than to be with your fiance. If this other guy gets abusive, or violent, or still hasn't mended his ways, know that you are too good for him, and he doesn't deserve you at all.

If future contact happens with the bad relationship guy, just tell him that you've moved on. Change your phone number, get rid of all of your personal information on the web, facebook, whatever. And disconnect him from your life.

You should tell your fiance the truth, because if it's harming your relationship with him (FI), he needs to know, so that he can support you in the future.

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