Lbrace, I picked my MOH based on how she's my dearest friend. Not based on what I thought she'd do.
Not throwing a party does not make the MOH a bad person. Some people are just not that into them and you can't expect her to change her character FOR you as the bride. It's not just about the MOH but it's certanly not about the bride either.
It's about having your friends there with you on your wedding day - and not expecting them to do things out of character prior to that day. That's the point. If the MOH isn't a party planner, you can't suddenly be upset that she isn't into planning a party. It's just not her scene.
Likewise, if your MOH is a type A party planner, you can expect that your guests may wind up with personalized favors that wind up in the Martha Stewart magazine.
The key here is to understand the dynamic of your friendship from the start and also to understand that there's a HUGE difference between tradition and requirements or duties.
To take it out of the wedding party - some say that it's tradition for the groom to spend two month's salary on the diamond ring. If your FI DOESN'T spend that kind of money, that doesn't make him a bad person or an insufficient husband does it?
I understand picking your MOH based on a relationship with you...mine is my sister who is also my close friend. I still just can't agree with those who say you shouldn't expect anything from the MOH or bridal party except to show up. Again, this means that the wedding is about them...they don't feel like planning a party...and not about the bride and groom. Why then is it the "norm" for bridesmaid to wear dresses that are overly priced and sometimes fugly? Because it's what the bride wants...and it's the BRIDE'S only (hopefully) wedding...not the only time a girl will be in a wedding or be a MOH. It's the time to make the bride happy, even if it doesn't always make the MOH or other wedding party members happy or comfortable.
And as far as the whole tradition vs real life thing that banana468 referred to: "some say that it's tradition for the groom to spend two month's salary on the diamond ring. If your FI DOESN'T spend that kind of money, that doesn't make him a bad person or an insufficient husband does it? "....this is not the same thing as what is being discussed in this thread. A better comparison would be to say if your FI doesn't get you ANY ring at all, that would be similiar to a MOH not planning a shower or bacherotte party for you. And I'm pretty sure most girls would be PO'd if they didn't get any ring and just a "hey i like you enough to ask you to marry me, but not to buy you a ring" kinda like a MOH saying "i like you enough to be in your wedding, but not to do anything that i don't wanna"
1) PIcking an ugly dress makes you a bad friend. NO good bride or good friend does that.
2) A good bride doesn't ask her BMs to do anything that makes them uncomfortable ever. That's part of being a good friend to them.
3) If you know your FI was the type not to want to give you a ring, why complain? That's going against who he is. Ditto for complaining about the MOH who says that giving a party is not who SHE is.
Being in a wedding isn't a JOB. And being a bride doesn't give you the license to treat others like they suddenly have an unpaid one.
1) Last I knew, taste was a matter of opinion. So, the although the bride may like the BM dress, the BMs may not. Still, they have to be gracious enough to not complain and wear it.
2) A good friend thinks about what the bride wants and does it for her. She is not selfish. I have a hard time believing that it would be that hard for someone to throw together a little party as the bride in the original post wanted. I have done it easily without spending anything and it was lovely. The bride was so touched that we spent time with her- it wasn't about presents. Unless the MOH has some kind of horrible psychotic fear of parties or people, she needs to get over herself. She's being lazy plain and simple. In the original post it says the MOH is making a dessert for the shower someone else is hosting and acts like that is too much already. Puhlease.
3) I have trouble believing that if your fiancee didn't want to give you a ring, you'd be OK with that. The ONLY people I know who don't have rings are Apostolics- and that's because their religion doesn't allow it. It's one thing to say a girl should be OK not getting a ring- it's another to actually be that girl. If I really had wanted a ring and my fiancee knew that I didn't get me one, what does that say about him as a man and a husband?
Being in a wedding isn't a job- it's a responsiblity and an honor. I think it's time people start treating it as such. That's what's wrong with this generation- no one cares about anyone else anymore. It's all about me. From what I am hearing from some of you, those girls whose weddings I'm in are lucky to have someone who thinks like me- I know their wedding is about them and not about me.I have spent $$$ on dresses and shoes that I will never wear again. I have spent $$$ on showers and parties that I didn't really have but it was important to me to support the brides that way. And I will sacrifice to make their wedding wonderful and happy for them because I am their TRUE friend not some poser who will only do what I want to do and nothing more.
1) The BMs should absolutely have input over their attire so that they're buying something they like. And the bride should have the sensibility to ask her BMs for their taste in attire so that it's a group decision that pleases everyone. Sometimes that isn't possible but if you're similar to your friends, there is a great chance that you can find a dress that everyone likes (or a manufacturer & multiple styles).
A bride who picks a dress her friends aren't loving isn't being a great friend or a good bride.
2) A good bride thinks about her friends and doesn't expect things. Period. Sure a good friend does things that are selfless, but a good friend also doesn't expect things either. That's part of the beauty of friendship. If you're always out to think that someone has to do something for you, that isn't acting as a good friend at all.
In this scenario, it's possible that the MOH is lazy or it's possible that she isn't into throwing parties, good at them, or fears doing things that can cause her to be the center of attention. For you to make assumptions though is not a smart idea at all. If we don't know the MOH, it isn't fair at all to decide WHY she hasn't done something. In fact, it's downright silly to do so.
3) Some people just are never going to 'get' the point of giving certain items. If DH didn't give me a ring, I wouldn't have cared. Yes, I love my e-ring but I love my husband and cherish my marriage. In fact, I told him I didn't need one repeatedly.
My uncle has never given his wife cut flowers ever. He just hasn't. He's one of the best husbands I've ever seen but it's just not his deal. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It just means I know what I can give my aunt for her birthday that won't be a duplicate gift!
I think that what you may be doing as a bridesmaid is lovely.
However if you didn't go above and beyond, I don't think your friends should be writing posts about you being a bad person on internet forums either.
I think this also depends how comfortable you and your MOH are being completely honest.
My MOH and I have been best friends for almost a decade now. We went to high school together and made it through college. We were raised in pretty similiar financial situations and have continued to have nearly identical financial positions through college and now, through AmeriCorps and grad school. I know that I can be honest with her and she with me- I'm very aware that a lot of my friends in AmeriCorps and in college can't afford to get me gifts and throw extravagant parties and all that hoopla. To further complicate things, FI and I live in Chicago now though we met in Louisiana and will be getting married there; I am from Washington and most of my family is on the west cost, including my MOH.
Because of this, I approached her about the bachelorette party to see what we could come up with together because neither of us is in the area to organize things first hand, and neither of us has a lot of money! She told me some of her ideas and agreed she would need help since she does not know all of my friends in Louisiana who would actually be able to go. We agreed on something cheap and realistic that we will all have fun doing. I'm not even mentioning a bridal shower- no one has the time or the proximity to the town where the wedding will be held to plan one, and even if they did I frankly feel uncomfortable getting gifts from people who are already spending no small chunk of change on airfare to come to my wedding. The best gift is just that they can be there at all.
I agree with other people's suggestions to host a party yourself; if my MOH had been uncomfortable or made it clear she didn't want to plan it that's what I would have done. The point is to have a fun night with my girlfriends before the wedding, and if that's what you really want you can make that happen on your own.
I completely agree with steviekay. I do not understand why on all of these boards, no one gives help, they just bash other brides and tell them they are wrong.
Lbrace - I think you have said EVERYTHING that I want to say too. I think a maid of honor has a little more responsibility than to get a dress and show up. If she isn't going to put forth a little effort, why even have a maid of honor. Maybe your MOH isn't into planning and she shouldn't be required to throw a shower, but she should be willing to put forth a LITTLE effort.
Banana - really, a bride shouldn't be able to pick the bridesmaid dress SHE wants? She has to pick the dress her bridesmaids want? Why is it that you think every bride is trying to treat her bridesmaids like unpaid staff? I always treated my bridesmaids with respect, asked for their opinions, help, etc. Not every bride is a terrible person who is just using their friends to do stuff for them. And not every bride is terrible because she chose what she wanted for HER wedding and not what her bridesmaids wanted.
I agree that everyone on here is being mean. It is your special day and your MOH should be there for you and shouldn't have to be asked to throw you a shower. It should just be something that she wants to do and she should be grateful to do it. I hope it all works out. Good luck!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_moh-refusing-throw-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:b91f13cf-c123-4faf-a66f-3bf3d1bdaedaPost:8ee35272-c223-429a-91d8-6279e107ecb1">Re: MOH refusing to throw me a shower</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely agree with steviekay. I do not understand why on all of these boards, no one gives help, they just bash other brides and tell them they are wrong. Lbrace - I think you have said EVERYTHING that I want to say too. I think a maid of honor has a little more responsibility than to get a dress and show up. If she isn't going to put forth a little effort, why even have a maid of honor. Maybe your MOH isn't into planning and she shouldn't be required to throw a shower, but she should be willing to put forth a LITTLE effort. Banana - really, a bride shouldn't be able to pick the bridesmaid dress SHE wants? She has to pick the dress her bridesmaids want? Why is it that you think every bride is trying to treat her bridesmaids like unpaid staff? I always treated my bridesmaids with respect, asked for their opinions, help, etc. Not every bride is a terrible person who is just using their friends to do stuff for them. And not every bride is terrible because she chose what she wanted for HER wedding and not what her bridesmaids wanted.
Posted by dancr214[/QUOTE]
I absolutely DO NOT think every bride is trying to treat her bridesmaids like unpaid staff. I'm not sure where you got that idea.
I do however think that it's completely inappropriate to ask someone to be a BM and assume that they'll be unpaid wedding workers. That's simply not OK. BMs should do things because they WANT to - not because they're being told to do those things. I'm married and my BMs were awesome; they threw a bachelorette, shower and helped me with a couple wedding day items. But they OFFERED to do those things and if they didn't, my love wouldn't change. Come to the WP board and you'll see what we discuss there.
When it comes to the dress, she doesn't have to pick only the dress her BMs want however she should pick the dress that fits their price range (that she asks them about each individually and in advance) and that the BMs also like. Sure, sometimes it's not perfect but in a good situation where you have similar taste as the people in your wedding party, you come to an agreement on a dress that everyone likes - not just one that you say goes.
This is done by shopping with the BMs and getting them to try stuff on whenever possible. I changed my mind completely and my BMs were in a dress that they loved even though it wasn't what I originally wanted. In the end ALL of us were happy because we looked with an open mind. If you have a fussy BM, sometimes you do need to say, "This is the dress. Period." However if no one likes the attire, it's time to go back to square one and start shopping again. After all, if you're asking people to spend money on the dress, they ABSOLUTELY have a say in how they're going to be spending their money.
I do think you have misconstrued what I stated. That's rather unfortunate.
BM often do fantastic things - I've done them and they were done for me. Those things are not requirements!
I completely disagree with most of the people on this post. As a future bride and MOH, I totally believe that it is the MOH's responsibility to throw some sort of shower/bachelorette party for the bride. It is every bride's right to celebrate, and it's every bride's right to have the people behind her. Of course, there are always circumstances that change things such as distance and stuff, but there should be something!!! A bride should not have to call up her friends and ask them to come celebrate her becoming a bride! What's the point in having a MOH if she's not going to be there for fun and support? It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, even a slumber party with pizza and a good movie with a few girlfriends would be great for most! Seriously, the MOH and bridesmaids need to put a little effort into making the bride feel special. That's not a lot to ask...
[QUOTE]A bride should not have to call up her friends and ask them to come celebrate her becoming a bride! What's the point in having a MOH if she's not going to be there for fun and support? It doesn't have to be anything elaborate, even a slumber party with pizza and a good movie with a few girlfriends would be great for most! Seriously, the MOH and bridesmaids need to put a little effort into making the bride feel special. That's not a lot to ask...[/QUOTE]
You're contradicting yourself here. A bride either shouldn't have to ask for a shower or it's not a lot to ask her MOH to throw one together. Which is it?
What I don't understand is why any bride would want a bunch of pissed off BMs in dresses they hate. Nothing like a bunch of fake smiles in your wedding pictures to remember how horribly you treated your WP by pulling the "I'm the bride and you wear what I want regardless of how horrendous you feel in it" card to show what a wonderful friend you are.
MOHs and BMs have no obligation to throw parties for the bride and the bride has no right to ask for these gifts for all the reasons banana so eloquently stated.
I feel sorry for you as well. All of my closest friends are in their early and mid 20's and while we don't want to be the first to get married we are all looking forward to the honor of planning the bachelorette parties and showers for each other.. We all live very separate lives and have very busy schedules but nothing could stop us from showing our support and trying to make each other's wedding day special and memorable. Do you think she might be planing a surprise bachelorette party? That could be fun!
Re: MOH refusing to throw me a shower
Not throwing a party does not make the MOH a bad person. Some people are just not that into them and you can't expect her to change her character FOR you as the bride. It's not just about the MOH but it's certanly not about the bride either.
It's about having your friends there with you on your wedding day - and not expecting them to do things out of character prior to that day. That's the point. If the MOH isn't a party planner, you can't suddenly be upset that she isn't into planning a party. It's just not her scene.
Likewise, if your MOH is a type A party planner, you can expect that your guests may wind up with personalized favors that wind up in the Martha Stewart magazine.
The key here is to understand the dynamic of your friendship from the start and also to understand that there's a HUGE difference between tradition and requirements or duties.
To take it out of the wedding party - some say that it's tradition for the groom to spend two month's salary on the diamond ring. If your FI DOESN'T spend that kind of money, that doesn't make him a bad person or an insufficient husband does it?
And as far as the whole tradition vs real life thing that banana468 referred to: "some say that it's tradition for the groom to spend two month's salary on the diamond ring. If your FI DOESN'T spend that kind of money, that doesn't make him a bad person or an insufficient husband does it? "....this is not the same thing as what is being discussed in this thread. A better comparison would be to say if your FI doesn't get you ANY ring at all, that would be similiar to a MOH not planning a shower or bacherotte party for you. And I'm pretty sure most girls would be PO'd if they didn't get any ring and just a "hey i like you enough to ask you to marry me, but not to buy you a ring" kinda like a MOH saying "i like you enough to be in your wedding, but not to do anything that i don't wanna"
2) A good bride doesn't ask her BMs to do anything that makes them uncomfortable ever. That's part of being a good friend to them.
3) If you know your FI was the type not to want to give you a ring, why complain? That's going against who he is. Ditto for complaining about the MOH who says that giving a party is not who SHE is.
Being in a wedding isn't a JOB. And being a bride doesn't give you the license to treat others like they suddenly have an unpaid one.
2) A good friend thinks about what the bride wants and does it for her. She is not selfish. I have a hard time believing that it would be that hard for someone to throw together a little party as the bride in the original post wanted. I have done it easily without spending anything and it was lovely. The bride was so touched that we spent time with her- it wasn't about presents. Unless the MOH has some kind of horrible psychotic fear of parties or people, she needs to get over herself. She's being lazy plain and simple. In the original post it says the MOH is making a dessert for the shower someone else is hosting and acts like that is too much already. Puhlease.
3) I have trouble believing that if your fiancee didn't want to give you a ring, you'd be OK with that. The ONLY people I know who don't have rings are Apostolics- and that's because their religion doesn't allow it. It's one thing to say a girl should be OK not getting a ring- it's another to actually be that girl. If I really had wanted a ring and my fiancee knew that I didn't get me one, what does that say about him as a man and a husband?
Being in a wedding isn't a job- it's a responsiblity and an honor. I think it's time people start treating it as such. That's what's wrong with this generation- no one cares about anyone else anymore. It's all about me. From what I am hearing from some of you, those girls whose weddings I'm in are lucky to have someone who thinks like me- I know their wedding is about them and not about me.I have spent $$$ on dresses and shoes that I will never wear again. I have spent $$$ on showers and parties that I didn't really have but it was important to me to support the brides that way. And I will sacrifice to make their wedding wonderful and happy for them because I am their TRUE friend not some poser who will only do what I want to do and nothing more.
A bride who picks a dress her friends aren't loving isn't being a great friend or a good bride.
2) A good bride thinks about her friends and doesn't expect things. Period.
Sure a good friend does things that are selfless, but a good friend also doesn't expect things either. That's part of the beauty of friendship. If you're always out to think that someone has to do something for you, that isn't acting as a good friend at all.
In this scenario, it's possible that the MOH is lazy or it's possible that she isn't into throwing parties, good at them, or fears doing things that can cause her to be the center of attention. For you to make assumptions though is not a smart idea at all. If we don't know the MOH, it isn't fair at all to decide WHY she hasn't done something. In fact, it's downright silly to do so.
3) Some people just are never going to 'get' the point of giving certain items. If DH didn't give me a ring, I wouldn't have cared. Yes, I love my e-ring but I love my husband and cherish my marriage. In fact, I told him I didn't need one repeatedly.
My uncle has never given his wife cut flowers ever. He just hasn't. He's one of the best husbands I've ever seen but it's just not his deal. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It just means I know what I can give my aunt for her birthday that won't be a duplicate gift!
I think that what you may be doing as a bridesmaid is lovely.
However if you didn't go above and beyond, I don't think your friends should be writing posts about you being a bad person on internet forums either.
My MOH and I have been best friends for almost a decade now. We went to high school together and made it through college. We were raised in pretty similiar financial situations and have continued to have nearly identical financial positions through college and now, through AmeriCorps and grad school. I know that I can be honest with her and she with me- I'm very aware that a lot of my friends in AmeriCorps and in college can't afford to get me gifts and throw extravagant parties and all that hoopla. To further complicate things, FI and I live in Chicago now though we met in Louisiana and will be getting married there; I am from Washington and most of my family is on the west cost, including my MOH.
Because of this, I approached her about the bachelorette party to see what we could come up with together because neither of us is in the area to organize things first hand, and neither of us has a lot of money! She told me some of her ideas and agreed she would need help since she does not know all of my friends in Louisiana who would actually be able to go. We agreed on something cheap and realistic that we will all have fun doing. I'm not even mentioning a bridal shower- no one has the time or the proximity to the town where the wedding will be held to plan one, and even if they did I frankly feel uncomfortable getting gifts from people who are already spending no small chunk of change on airfare to come to my wedding. The best gift is just that they can be there at all.
I agree with other people's suggestions to host a party yourself; if my MOH had been uncomfortable or made it clear she didn't want to plan it that's what I would have done. The point is to have a fun night with my girlfriends before the wedding, and if that's what you really want you can make that happen on your own.
Lbrace - I think you have said EVERYTHING that I want to say too. I think a maid of honor has a little more responsibility than to get a dress and show up. If she isn't going to put forth a little effort, why even have a maid of honor. Maybe your MOH isn't into planning and she shouldn't be required to throw a shower, but she should be willing to put forth a LITTLE effort.
Banana - really, a bride shouldn't be able to pick the bridesmaid dress SHE wants? She has to pick the dress her bridesmaids want? Why is it that you think every bride is trying to treat her bridesmaids like unpaid staff? I always treated my bridesmaids with respect, asked for their opinions, help, etc. Not every bride is a terrible person who is just using their friends to do stuff for them. And not every bride is terrible because she chose what she wanted for HER wedding and not what her bridesmaids wanted.
[QUOTE]I completely agree with steviekay. I do not understand why on all of these boards, no one gives help, they just bash other brides and tell them they are wrong. Lbrace - I think you have said EVERYTHING that I want to say too. I think a maid of honor has a little more responsibility than to get a dress and show up. If she isn't going to put forth a little effort, why even have a maid of honor. Maybe your MOH isn't into planning and she shouldn't be required to throw a shower, but she should be willing to put forth a LITTLE effort. Banana - really, a bride shouldn't be able to pick the bridesmaid dress SHE wants? She has to pick the dress her bridesmaids want? Why is it that you think every bride is trying to treat her bridesmaids like unpaid staff? I always treated my bridesmaids with respect, asked for their opinions, help, etc. Not every bride is a terrible person who is just using their friends to do stuff for them. And not every bride is terrible because she chose what she wanted for HER wedding and not what her bridesmaids wanted.
Posted by dancr214[/QUOTE]
I absolutely DO NOT think every bride is trying to treat her bridesmaids like unpaid staff. I'm not sure where you got that idea.
I do however think that it's completely inappropriate to ask someone to be a BM and assume that they'll be unpaid wedding workers. That's simply not OK. BMs should do things because they WANT to - not because they're being told to do those things. I'm married and my BMs were awesome; they threw a bachelorette, shower and helped me with a couple wedding day items. But they OFFERED to do those things and if they didn't, my love wouldn't change. Come to the WP board and you'll see what we discuss there.
When it comes to the dress, she doesn't have to pick only the dress her BMs want however she should pick the dress that fits their price range (that she asks them about each individually and in advance) and that the BMs also like. Sure, sometimes it's not perfect but in a good situation where you have similar taste as the people in your wedding party, you come to an agreement on a dress that everyone likes - not just one that you say goes.
This is done by shopping with the BMs and getting them to try stuff on whenever possible. I changed my mind completely and my BMs were in a dress that they loved even though it wasn't what I originally wanted. In the end ALL of us were happy because we looked with an open mind. If you have a fussy BM, sometimes you do need to say, "This is the dress. Period." However if no one likes the attire, it's time to go back to square one and start shopping again. After all, if you're asking people to spend money on the dress, they ABSOLUTELY have a say in how they're going to be spending their money.
I do think you have misconstrued what I stated. That's rather unfortunate.
BM often do fantastic things - I've done them and they were done for me. Those things are not requirements!
You're contradicting yourself here. A bride either shouldn't have to ask for a shower or it's not a lot to ask her MOH to throw one together. Which is it?