MOH? What to do?

mizri · April 2010

Sorry, for this, but I'm really hurt right now by my MOH. She told me that she talked to her parents today about watching her younger two children (her son is 18 months and she's due in Sept with the third child. Her oldest was supposed to be in the wedding) and they won't keep the kids. Her husband is more interested in his video games to care for the children for her to even come down for the ONE day of the wedding. She also said that she doens't know how her health will be after the birth of her next child. She's having the baby SIX MONTHS before the wedding. She'll be healed. She'll even be healed from the partial historectomy (sp?) she's getting after the baby is born. Her step-mother even told her that if she were getting married and one of her close friends that she asked to be in the wedding was pregnant, she would replace that person. I think that's a poor excuse to kick someone out of a wedding, especially when her baby will be 6 months old at the time of the wedding. I'm doing everything I can think of to try and help her to be in my wedding, even making the BM dresses and only charging supplies. Offering to make her an outfit that would sell for over $400 and asking her to pay less than $100. And my wedding is at a renaissance festival, so her BM dress is going to be full Elizabethan garb.
I'm hurt because I wanted her to be there to stand next to me as I married the man I love. And it sounds like she's grasping at straws to get out of it. Do I mean so little to her? Should I try and talk to her again and explain that I understand where she's coming from (even though, IMO, those are very weak excuses) or do I just call her out on it and ask her the real reason for not wanting to be there and hiding behind the poor excuses?

tidetravel · April 2010

I always wonder why people always think that reasons = excuses.

Yes, there are a lot of factors contributing to her not being able to be your MOH. It doesn't mean she is trying to get out of it, or being a bad friend. Tell her that you understand if she can't be in the wedding, but you would love it if she (and her kids) could attend as guests.

emilyinchile · April 2010

Your wedding isn't for a year. Her childcare situation could change hugely between then and now, so I don't think either of you should be worrying about it at this point. Ditto for the health issue: right now no one can know how she'll feel six months after giving birth, so let it go.

Honestly, it sounds like she needs a friend if her parents and husband are so unsupportive and she's got 2/almost 3 little kids. If she is doing this to try to get out of your wedding, my first thought would be that it's because she feels overwhelmed by it all. Try to be her friend first and worry about your wedding in 2011.

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e08f0f06-908b-4056-943a-02e8c36c70c7Post:c6a07083-6411-41d1-9820-f672d0020765">MOH? What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, for this, but I'm really hurt right now by my MOH. She told me that she talked to her parents today about watching her younger two children (her son is 18 months and she's due in Sept with the third child. Her oldest was supposed to be in the wedding) and they won't keep the kids. Her husband is more interested in his video games to care for the children for her to even come down for the ONE day of the wedding. She also said that she doens't know how her health will be after the birth of her next child. She's having the baby SIX MONTHS before the wedding. She'll be healed. She'll even be healed from the partial historectomy (sp?) she's getting after the baby is born. Her step-mother even told her that if she were getting married and one of her close friends that she asked to be in the wedding was pregnant, she would replace that person. I think that's a poor excuse to kick someone out of a wedding, especially when her baby will be 6 months old at the time of the wedding. I'm doing everything I can think of to try and help her to be in my wedding, even making the BM dresses and only charging supplies. Offering to make her an outfit that would sell for over $400 and asking her to pay less than $100. And my wedding is at a renaissance festival, so her BM dress is going to be full Elizabethan garb. I'm hurt because I wanted her to be there to stand next to me as I married the man I love. And it sounds like she's grasping at straws to get out of it. Do I mean so little to her? Should I try and talk to her again and explain that I understand where she's coming from (even though, IMO, those are very weak excuses) or do I just call her out on it and ask her the real reason for not wanting to be there and hiding behind the poor excuses?
Posted by mizri[/QUOTE]

mbcdefg · April 2010

Your wedding is in 11 months. That is a LOT of time to sort this out.

I would take a week or two to cool off and absorb this information, and then maybe approach her again and say something like, "I really want you to be in the wedding. Of course I understand if you just can't manage it, but if you want to be there and something is holding you back, I will help you in any way I can. Let's talk about it." If she says she wants to be in it, then maybe you can explore options such as hiring a sitter for her, so that she can participate and the kids are taken care of.

I would also recommend talking to her about HER life for a while. If she has unsupportive parents and a selfish d0uchebag of a husband, then it sounds like she has a rough life. If she's always been a supportive friend, then try not to take it personally if she says she cannot be in it. I would instead ask her if SHE is doing all right, and if there's anything you can help with or if she wants to talk about anything.

And my wedding is at a renaissance festival, so her BM dress is going to be full Elizabethan garb.

If you and your FI like this kind of theme/lifestyle, that's awesome. It's your wedding and you ought to do it however you want!

However, please realize that this kind of outfit/theme is not everyone's cup of tea. Yes, a good friend would probably suck it up and wear this outfit for you if she didn't like it, but a lot of people just cannot get past their own discomfort levels or their ideas of what is "normal" for a wedding, even for their dearest friend. (Plus, aren't those Renaissance costumes very heavy and cumbersome?) I must confess that when I got to this part of your story, I immediately thought, "I wonder if this girl just doesn't want to wear a Renaissance outfit?" I think it might be worth asking her if the costume is what's holding her back, if you ask her about her life and are sure that it's not just a matter of her being truly unable to be there.

I am not at all saying that you should change your theme or do a "traditional" white wedding if you don't want that. I think you ought to do the theme or attire that you and FI are happy with. But please remember that that theme does not only affect you, if you are asking other people to participate in it. If the costume is truly the problem, talk to her and see if you can come up with an alternative (maybe a flowy empire-waisted dress with a nice circlet headband, so it's still going along with the theme but not as extreme).

mizri · April 2010

She's not on the borderline of being emotionally abused, she IS being emotionally abused. I've watched this marriage for 6 years now. Yes, she is a very dependant woman and that is what keeps her married to him. She is a control freak when it comes to her kids, and won't let anyone else watch them, also. She just now is letting her H watch their daughter who will be 6 this summer. He's still not allowed to drive with the kids in the car. They abuse and contol each other. And, yeah, I don't know their whole story, I just know what she tells me. And what I know is that she was very excited to be a part of the wedding, she gave me a budget for the dresses, I am bending over backward to stay in that budget and still have what I want for the wedding, she told me that her husband was fine with her and their daughter coming down, as long as it stays under the set budget. Which she never told me that amount so I could help her. I've listened to her when they've been fighting about his games, I've sat on the phone while she cried about him cheating twice during her last pregnancy. She even called him on 3-way so I could listen to how he talked to her when he thought no one was listening. Me, personally, I wouldn't stand for it. I'm too much of my own person to let others belittle me like that. But she was hours away from having her divorce final and she called it off, wanting to work things out. And, even though I disagreed, I supported her. I still listen to how shitty he treats her and bite my tounge so I don't piss her off. I have done everything she asked me for from the start. I have stayed in every limit that was given. And still, a whole year out, she's not wanting to be a part of it. And is throwing herself a pity party, telling me that she can't deal with my wedding, and she is a horrible friend for that. I'm not asking her to "deal" with anything. I'm just following what she told me.

lalap69 · April 2010

All I can say is that it sucks, but sometimes friendship is like that. I understand being disappointed and even a little upset, but ultimately you just need to understand and try to continue being supportive for her.

mizri · April 2010

I really do wish that I were able to help her more. I do. She's like my sister. She calls my kids her neice and nephew, and her kids call me "Auntie". But I meant what I said when you can't help someone that doesn't want the help. She asks me what she should do about her husband, then yells because I'm not in her shoes and I don't know what I would do if faced with {insert problem here}. That I don't know if I would leave my husband if he cheated on me, cause I've never been married. I don't know if I would leave him for the way he treats her, cause I've never been married to someone who did that. My answer was (yeah, it was bitchy) "Well, that's because all the men who treated me that way were cut from my life by me. I won't put up with it from a boyfriend, I sure as hell wouldn't put up with it from a husband." And, yeah, she got mad at me. I guess I'm just so tired of having to sit back and watch while he controls her life and want her to find out that she's not his slave. She's better than that. It's just hard. But thanks for letting me vent some and get some things off my chest, and also for bringing me back down to earth. It just came as a shock last night.

mbcdefg · April 2010

And still, a whole year out, she's not wanting to be a part of it. And is throwing herself a pity party, telling me that she can't deal with my wedding, and she is a horrible friend for that. I'm not asking her to "deal" with anything. I'm just following what she told me.

It sounds like more of her being a victim of abuse than throwing herself a "pity party."

And if she has kids with this guy, then it's not so easy to just get up and walk away, because he might fight her for custody and she'd have to share them or maybe even possibly lose them to him if he wins in court (although I'm sure that walking away isn't a super-easy thing even if you don't have kids with the person).

Do you want to stay friends with her, or not? If you do, realize that this is the way it's going to be with her, end of story. Decide for yourself if that is a friendship worth saving (although it sounds like she really needs a friend, if she's in an emotionally abusive marriage).

mizri · April 2010

I had kids with my ex, and I walked away. I didn't like the way he acted around the kids, he had a simiar game addiction, but not so much on the abusing me in any way. I have 2 children that I'm raising on my own. I'm lucky to have found a man to share my children with, and who has one of his own that he's fighting for custody of. She (going back to her being controlling) kinda forced the marriage on him by telling him that if he wanted his daughter to have his last name, he better marry her before the baby was born. And, so, she was a VERY pregnant bride, and had the baby just over a month after the wedding. I've walked away from people who treated me like dirt because I won't stand for it. And I guess I just don't understand how she can. I see her for the strong woman who has been putting up with his crap and raising her family. She sees herself as defeated. And no, I'm not speculating. She said this to me. And, yeah, she throws pity parties. A lot. I know that you are looking at my side and only what I'm bringing to the table. But I've been friends with her for over 10 years. If anything is going good for anyone around her, she finds a way to bring focus back to herself and that she is either better than or worse off than whatever you bring to the conversation. This is her way of doing that. And, please, don't be so quick to mark her as the victim, it's a bed of her own making. Been there, left that in my own past. I just didn't marry the ass.

lalap69 · April 2010

Good for you. You are clearly far superior to her. Give yourself a pat on the back.

MOH? What to do?

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