Plus One Question?

Miss Esa · March 2013

I think I know the answer to this question, but I have to ask anyways.

My cousin's daughter is 16, she still lives with her mother. I had no idea she had a boyfriend and she was over for SPD on Sunday. She asked very loudly if her new boyfriend was also invited to the wedding, she then said she would not come if he wasn't invited. No one said anything to her her, and she just dropped the subject. My cousin later pulled me aside and asked me if her neighbor that she is sleeping with could also be invited. (Her words- not mine. She does not consider him as a boyfriend, only sleeping togther) I had no intentions of giving my cousin a plus one. She just got divorced a week ago, and has never mentioned this guy to anyone before Sunday. Her kids don't even know about this guy.

I figured I would have to invite the 16 year old's boyfriend, but am I obligated to invite my cousins F-buddy as well?

Miss Esa · March 2013

Also, please don't quote my OP. I have a sister who is engaged and sometimes uses this site, and I am going to edit my post once I hear what everyone has to say.

kipnus · March 2013

I'm actually not even sure if etiquette requires inviting along a 16 yr old's BF. Does it?

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

It's not your place to judge the validity of relationships. Even if the relationship leaves a bad taste in your mouth, it's just not your place (believe me, I know the temptation, but it wasn't my place either when it was my time to do the guest list).

If she thinks it's a serious enough relationship to have him along to the wedding, then they are not just what you call them. Most people would rather hold hot wax than go to a wedding ceremony for someone they don't know. He wouldn't go if he didn't think it was more than you say.

aurianna · March 2013

Unless the 16 year old is emancipated or maybe in college early, I believe etiquette does not dictate you invite her boyfriend as she's still in a social unit with her family.
Though it would be very nice for you to invite him, especially if they're serious (though personally I'd be less inclined to after the girl gave an ultimatum).

The neighbor... ask if they're in a relationship. If she says yes, apologize and say you didn't know and of course he is invited.
If she says no, tell her unfortuntately you can't accomodate friends of guests, but you hope she can still attend! (though, if she did pull you aside to ask about it, it sounds like if they aren't already in one, they may be soon and it might just be best to invite him if you have the space, as to avoid awkward questions....)

itzMS · March 2013

I didn't invite anyone under 18, so I can't really speak to that situation.

We solved the whole being judgity about validity of relationships by inviting anyone who was "single" with a simple plus one. It was just the polite thing to do in my personal situation as so many of DH & my friends date around quite a bit.

That way, your cousin can bring whatever "buddy" she wants.

FWIW, DH & I were already talking about marriage 1 month into our relationship, which is why I would never NOT let an adult bring a plus one. It probably didn't appear to anyone from the outside that we were "serious"...but we sure were!

Miss Esa · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:aa74e10d-9283-4d56-8a67-f7cdc8864d6d">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE] The neighbor... ask if they're in a relationship. If she says yes, apologize and say you didn't know and of course he is invited. If she says no, tell her unfortuntately you can't accomodate friends of guests, but you hope she can still attend!
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]<div>
She does not consider them to be boyfriend and girlfriend, they are only sleeping together. I asked her when she came to me with the question of inviting him and that was her answer. </div>

aurianna · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:0ca7f796-1b67-4488-98ab-c5907f0c9b3a">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]IFWIW, DH & I were already talking about marriage 1 month into our relationship, which is why I would never NOT let an adult bring a plus one. It probably didn't appear to anyone from the outside that we were "serious"...but we sure were!
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

Guests to truly guests are not required and can't always be accomodated due to cost/space.
You're right that no one should judge the seriousness of one's relationship... which is why any responsible host would ask you if you were in one, and would have invited your DH when you said yes, even though it had been a month.

KatWAG · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:91892e83-3821-4b59-9004-e90ca0e6b5ca">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : She does not consider them to be boyfriend and girlfriend, they are only sleeping together. I asked her when she came to me with the question of inviting him and that was her answer.
Posted by Tlanute[/QUOTE]

If your friend does not consider herself in a relationship of any kind, then I dont think you need to invite the person she is sleeping with. Also, the 16 year old does not need to be invite with a date.

aurianna · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:91892e83-3821-4b59-9004-e90ca0e6b5ca">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus One Question? : She does not consider them to be boyfriend and girlfriend, they are only sleeping together. I asked her when she came to me with the question of inviting him and that was her answer.
Posted by Tlanute[/QUOTE]

Well if your wedding is in three months, it's another month before invites go out. Maybe ask her then?

peekaboo2011 · March 2013

I'd invite him. You also said she's recently divorced. Perhaps she's feeling uncomfortable with the thought of attending without someone other than her children.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:83cfb9e6-f8ef-419c-802a-5c1f17c2323b">Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I know the answer to this question, but I have to ask anyways. My cousin's daughter is 16, she still lives with her mother. I had no idea she had a boyfriend and she was over for SPD on Sunday. She asked very loudly if her new boyfriend was also invited to the wedding, she then said she would not come if he wasn't invited. No one said anything to her her, and she just dropped the subject. My cousin later pulled me aside and asked me if her neighbor that she is sleeping with could also be invited. (Her words- not mine. She does not consider him as a boyfriend, only sleeping togther) I had no intentions of giving my cousin a plus one. She just got divorced a week ago, and has never mentioned this guy to anyone before Sunday. Her kids don't even know about this guy. I figured I would have to invite the 16 year old's boyfriend, but am I obligated to invite my cousins F-buddy as well?
Posted by Tlanute[/QUOTE]

I personally do not feel you have to invite a minor with a date, IMO. Don't know if that goes against etiquette but we are not inviting any minors with dates- even my FI's sister (who I wanted to extend a date to but FI said "what are you crazy, she's a minor, she doesn't need a date")

beardownbchs · March 2013

I don't think you HAVE to invite the girl's boyfriend, but I think that if your budget and space allows it, they'd really appreciate it.

When I was 15-16ish I had been with my first boyfriend for 2 years. His cousin, who I had never met got married and I was invited by name. I was so flattered and honored that they would even consider me and it made us feel more gown-up and like a real relationship. I still remember this, almost 10 years later.

Miss Esa · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:b0b10969-d3ed-4956-b09a-140f0ddf90aa">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

<div>Can you please edit your post to remove the OP? I have a sister who is engaged and roams the boards and I did ask nicely in the post under my OP. I want to be able to edit my post when FI and I are done reading all the responces after work. :) </div>

AddieCake · March 2013

I'm usually in the minority on the minors with dates thing, but that's ok by me. I think if a minor is at least in high school and has a significant other, he or she should be invited.

I also agree with Stage that if your cousin feels she is involved enough with this guy to want to bring him around socially, you should invite him.

misshart00 · March 2013

I think you should invite the 16 year olds boyfriend if you have space and budget. But her acting like that would make me not want to. I think I would just invite the buddy because if she's willing to parade him in public, she can answer questions about whether or not she's in a relationship.

fionahalliwell · March 2013

I mean, it's really up to you on the 16 yo's BF. I'd talk to the parents and get a feel for how long they've been in a relationship--for all you know, this is her 3rd BF this month and she'll have 8 more between now and the wedding. Or maybe they've been together for a year or so. I don't know. But that information would play into my decision. And I'm not ageist; I'm only 19, but I'm a BM and I don't get a date for the wedding I'm IN (not due to anything other than everyone assuming that I wouldn't have anyone to bring).

Amyzen83 · March 2013

Hmmmm... I think it is kind of backwards to not invite a proclaimed SO just because the guest is a minor, yet the adult can bring her F-buddy who she hasn't declared her SO? I'm sorry but that's a bit hypocritical.

I think this is the type of situation where you should use your best judgment. If you and your husband can accommodate them without significantly going over budget, then I say invite them. The 16 year old sounded really bratty about how she went about asking you and your cousin, I felt went about asking more appropriately. Etiquettewise, you don't have to invite 16 year old's bf because she's a minor and is invited with her family. It might be nice to invite him and make her feel more adult, but after that ultimatum, I would say she doesn't deserve the chance to bring him.

As for your cousin's F-buddy, I think you may want to look a little deeper into the issue, it sounds like it could be more of a 1-sided relationship with her more into him then he is to her, so to save face, she calls him "the guy she sleeps with". Or maybe there is more to them but they don't feel ready to give it a title yet. If he truly is just a f-buddy, then no he doesn't need an invite because he's not her SO but a friend.

Pookieson · March 2013

I wouldn't give the 16 year old a plus one if they were not serious. That being said, I didn't give anyone under the age of 18 a plus one (but none of them are dating anyone). We gave all single guests plus ones. If we hadn't, I'd probably ask if they are in a relationship, if they were, I'd invite him. If she plans on having him come around, I would invite him.

Amyzen83 · March 2013

I mean, it's really up to you on the 16 yo's BF. I'd talk to the parents and get a feel for how long they've been in a relationship--for all you know, this is her 3rd BF this month and she'll have 8 more between now and the wedding. Or maybe they've been together for a year or so. I don't know. But that information would play into my decision. And I'm not ageist; I'm only 19, but I'm a BM and I don't get a date for the wedding I'm IN (not due to anything other than everyone assuming that I wouldn't have anyone to bring).

I was in the middle of typing when you posted, but I think you should have at least been given a +1 since you are in the BP and spent the $$ that goes along with it. Sorry people didn't consider you, but if your cool with that, then NM what I said.

steign · March 2013

She may not consider them BF and GF now but, who knows what will happen in the next 3 months, so I would invite him. As for the 16 year old's BF I probably would invite him if my budget permitted it.

bopple321 · March 2013

Sorry if this is repeating what anyone else has already said, but you are not obligated to invite either of these "plus ones." You are under no obligation to invite the new boyfriend of a 16 year old (who might not even be dating this person come the wedding) nor are you under any obligation to invite the neighbor with whom your cousin is having an affair. You would be perfectly in your right to say "I'm so sorry, but we're not extending plus ones. I do hope you'll come anyway as we'd love to have you there." I know that my fiance and I decided that the "plus one" was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married (duh) or in VERY long-term, committed relationships. If they don't want to come because their boyfriends aren't on the list, sadly it seems it will be their loss that they'll miss out on your beautiful wedding.

** just to edit my post - I had an afterthought. If you are, in fact, extending "plus ones" to all other unmarried couples (not that married couples would really be a +1, but you get what I mean), then you should, of course, extend the same to these people as well. I'm just assuming that you're not extending +1s to guests (which is fine) and that's why this is an issue.

Simply Fated · March 2013

I know a few people that started dating at 16 and later on got married. However, only some of them would have been offended if their SO had not been invited. I think each case is different. Honestly? She sounds bratty. I'd say no based on that but I'm afraid that makes me just as bad. As for your aunt, a lot can happen in a month. I'd ask her again in a month if they're in a relationship.

libby2483 · March 2013

1) According to etiquette, you don't need to invite the 16 year old's boyfriend. As someone who is under 18, she is a social unit with the rest of her family, not her boyfriend.

2) According to etiquette, you also don't need to invite your friends f*** buddy, as she has said herself that she does not consider herself to be a relationship with this person.

However, if your space and budget allow, I think it would be a very nice gesture to invite both. Also keep in mind that by the time invitations are sent out, your friend may actually be in a relationship with her current f*** buddy, and he would need to be invited.

FWIW, I had a friend ask if he could bring a girl that he had gone on a few dates with (but did not consider himself to be in a relationship with). I said yes. Even though they are no longer together, she has become part of our friend group, and she has told me how she really appreciates that she was invited to the wedding.

misshart00 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Plus One Question?:[QUOTE]Sorry if this is repeating what anyone else has already said, but you are not obligated to invite either of these quot;plus ones.quot;nbsp; You are under no obligation to invite the new boyfriend of a 16 year old who might not even be dating this person come the wedding nor are you under any obligation to invite the neighbor with whom your cousin is having an affair.nbsp; You would be perfectly in your right to say quot;I'm so sorry, but we're not extending plus ones.nbsp; I do hope you'll come anyway as we'd love to have you there.quot;nbsp; I know that my fiance and I decided that the quot;plus onequot; was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married duh or in VERY longterm, committed relationships.nbsp; If they don't want to come because their boyfriends aren't on the list, sadly it seems it will be their loss that they'll miss out on your beautiful wedding. Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

What do you define as very long term and committed?

itzMS · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:81aa4016-ef2d-4de6-862c-2d4ee9c07e94">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if this is repeating what anyone else has already said, but you are not obligated to invite either of these "plus ones." You are under no obligation to invite the new boyfriend of a 16 year old (who might not even be dating this person come the wedding) nor are you under any obligation to invite the neighbor with whom your cousin is having an affair. You would be perfectly in your right to say "I'm so sorry, but we're not extending plus ones. I do hope you'll come anyway as we'd love to have you there." I know that my fiance and I decided that the "plus one" was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married (duh) or in <strong>VERY long-term, committed relationships.</strong> If they don't want to come because their boyfriends aren't on the list, sadly it seems it will be their loss that they'll miss out on your beautiful wedding.
Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

Wow, I think that is so judgemental. Glad I'm not invited to your wedding. My DH & I were engaged 8 months after we met. Long-term has nothing to do with how serious a couple is.

brielleinlove · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:81aa4016-ef2d-4de6-862c-2d4ee9c07e94">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if this is repeating what anyone else has already said, but you are not obligated to invite either of these "plus ones." You are under no obligation to invite the new boyfriend of a 16 year old (who might not even be dating this person come the wedding) nor are you under any obligation to invite the neighbor with whom your cousin is having an affair. You would be perfectly in your right to say "I'm so sorry, but we're not extending plus ones. I do hope you'll come anyway as we'd love to have you there." I know that my fiance and I decided that the "plus one" was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married (duh) or in <strong>VERY long-term, committed relationships</strong>. If they don't want to come because their boyfriends aren't on the list, sadly it seems it will be their loss that they'll miss out on your beautiful wedding.
Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree that the 16-year-old's boyfriend doesn't need to be invited, but how are you judging "very long-term committed relationships"? FI and I only dated a year before we got engaged, so clearly things were pretty serious for us early on, but I don't think we would have made your cut. </div><div>
</div><div>This is why anyone over 18 with a significant other at the time the invites go out - no matter if they just met the significant other and this is crazy but here's her number so call her maybe - is invited with that SO. If the relationship status changes between the time the invites go out and the time the wedding takes place, then you can reevaluate, but as far as who gets an initial invitation, etiquette is very clear-cut. You, the host, don't get to decide how serious someone's relationship is.</div>

bopple321 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:456be580-9db3-4898-80a6-bfceb61a64d5">Re:Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Plus One Question?: What do you define as very long term and committed?
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

I have certain family members and friends who have been living with their SOs for many years or who have been dating the same person for many years, but who are just not married yet. These are really just a very few, specific cases (like only 3 couples), and my family ususally treats the SO as a spouse anyway and these people are typically considered a "unit" in all events.

Miss Esa · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:81aa4016-ef2d-4de6-862c-2d4ee9c07e94">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]afterthought. If you are, in fact, extending "plus ones" to all other unmarried couples (not that married couples would really be a +1, but you get what I mean), then you should, of course, extend the same to these people as well. I'm just assuming that you're not extending +1s to guests (which is fine) and that's why this is an issue.
Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

<div>We are inviting couples, but not giving truly single guests a plus one. </div>

AddieCake · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:81aa4016-ef2d-4de6-862c-2d4ee9c07e94">Re: Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE] I know that my fiance and I decided that the "plus one" was only going to be extended to those people we knew were already married (duh) or in <strong>VERY long-term, committed</strong> relationships.
Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]
Define, please.

brielleinlove · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-one-question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:33fc636d-f372-4906-83f8-f5ff0716243aPost:6967ca82-1324-4818-b0da-413bcf86fa7b">Re:Plus One Question?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Plus One Question? : I have certain family members and friends who have been living with their SOs for many years or who have been dating the same person <strong>for many years</strong>, but who are just not married yet. These are really just a very few, specific cases (like only 3 couples), and my family ususally treats the SO as a spouse anyway and these people are typically considered a "unit" in all events.
Posted by bopple321[/QUOTE]

<div>Huh. Guess FI wouldn't be invited with me to your wedding, then. Including our engagement, we've been together for a year and nine months.</div>

Plus One Question?

Re: Plus One Question?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards