Not Engaged Yet

NOT fighting with your SO

I didn't want to threadjack, but had a question: do you think it's bad if you DON'T really fight with your SO?

Me and my BF have never really had a fight. Like never ever. We disagree on things, but it never gets to the point of our voices being raised more than a little bit (never any yelling or screaming or name calling or anything). Usually if it starts to get to the point where one or both of us starts slightly increasing our tone of voice one of us will be like "Clearly we're getting upset about this, we need to calm down and talk about it later". But even that doesn't happen often (maybe less than once every few months). It seems like most people I know have fights and get really pissed off with their SO.

I think part of it at least with us is neither of us like confrontation so we try to avoid it. I worry sometimes that my BF just keeps things bottled up and one day it will just explode.

I should note, there have been a few instances where I've had mini-meltdowns and told BF I want to break up and said other things that I wish I hadn't said but not because I'm upset with him about anything. And we didn't fight about it. It's more me feeling I'm not good enough and worrying that one day he'll think the same and dump me. I know THAT isn't good and am going to be starting therapy soon to deal with my self esteem issues. I think I'm also depressed and/or possibly developing an anxiety problem, which has caused the meltdowns, so I'll be working through that in therapy.

So is it a bad thing if you don't fight? Or does that just mean that you communicate well enough that it doesn't get to the fighting point?
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Re: NOT fighting with your SO

  • I don't find it bad if you don't fight.  In the time that Danish Man and I have been together we HAVE NOT fought once.  I think we''re both very mellow and compromising people so we just go with the flow of each other.  I told this to an person I met once and she was in shock that I Danish man and I never had a fight.  Also I think its because on my end I tend to step back and think about what I'm feeling and most of the time I deduce its irrational.. 
  • edited February 2012
    Well for starters, I should've worded my post better..I meant fighting as in arguments, not actual "fights"..YKWIM? Also, fighting/arguing/disagreements are subjective terms; everyone thinks of them to be different things. I view fighting/arguing to be disagreeing and essentially arguing your point back and forth.

    I think that never arguing in a relationship is not healthy. This is purely my opinion, but when someone says "we never argue about anything" I side-eye them. Usually people are either lying, or there isn't open communication/passion in that relationship. I've known numerous couples to say that..and guess how many are still together? Zero.

    I don't think arguing should be an every day thing..but once a month or so you are bound to have a disagreement that can lead to an argument.
    5/27/12
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-fighting-with-your-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fd0ef162-dfef-4f98-b050-442ca77566d5Post:a3a7f9fb-dabc-4633-9eee-b5add57a0b82">Re: NOT fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well for starters, I should've worded my post better..I meant fighting as in arguments, not actual "fights"..YKWIM? Also, fighting/arguing/disagreements are subjective terms; everyone thinks of them to be different things. I view fighting/arguing to be disagreeing and essentially arguing your point back and forth. I think that never arguing in a relationship is not healthy. This is purely my opinion, but when someone says "we never argue about anything" I side-eye them. Usually people are either lying, or there isn't open communication/passion in that relationship. I've known numerous couples to say that..and guess how many are still together? Zero. I don't think arguing should be an every day thing..but once a month or so you are bound to have a disagreement that can lead to an argument.
    Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

    Hahaha that's a whole other side.  Differing opinions we have some Danish Man and I.  But we just talk about it and then either make a decision to disagree or compromise.  Mostly we just disagree on the merits of TV shows and hybrid cars.  :) 
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-fighting-with-your-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fd0ef162-dfef-4f98-b050-442ca77566d5Post:a3a7f9fb-dabc-4633-9eee-b5add57a0b82">Re: NOT fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well for starters, I should've worded my post better..I meant fighting as in arguments, not actual "fights"..YKWIM? Also, fighting/arguing/disagreements are subjective term; everyone thinks of them to be different things. I view fighting/arguing to be disagreeing and esentially arguing your point back and forth. <strong>I think that never arguing in a relationship is not healthy. This is purely my opinion, but when someone says "we never argue about anything" I side-eye them. </strong>Usually people are either lying, or there isn't open communication/passion in that realtionship. I've known numerous couples to say that..and guess how many are still together? Zero. I don't think arguing should be an every day thing..but once a month or so you are bound to have a disagreement that can lead to an argument.
    Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>This.  I agree with Jaycee here.  If someone says/makes it seem like things are always puppies & rainbows in their relationship I totally side-eye that. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, in the nearly 5 years we've been together neither FI nor myself have ever threatened or mentioned breaking up or leaving each other.  I know people who everytime they fight one or the other threatens to leave the relationship & I'll never, ever understand this. </div>



  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-fighting-with-your-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fd0ef162-dfef-4f98-b050-442ca77566d5Post:b075384c-9916-4b8a-bba6-4b509064b226">Re: NOT fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT fighting with your SO : This.  I agree with Jaycee here.  If someone says/makes it seem like things are always puppies & rainbows in their relationship I totally side-eye that.  <strong>Also, in the nearly 5 years we've been together neither FI nor myself have ever threatened or mentioned breaking up or leaving each other.</strong>  I know people who everytime they fight one or the other threatens to leave the relationship & I'll never, ever understand this. 
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    Same. I think that's extremely important. Not only is it immature to threaten that, but it obviously shows you're insecure in the relationship or don't value it.
    5/27/12
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  • I've never actually threatened to leave my BF, but I have been like "I'm so scared that one day you'll realise I'm not good enough for you and you'll leave me and I'll be devestated and think that maybe we should just end things now so I don't get hurt as much" Or I just feel so overwhelmed that EVERYTHING going on in my life is more than I can handle and I unfortunately take it out on my bf and am like "I don't know if I can handle this (this being our relationship) anymore". I KNOW it's totally wrong and completely unfair to my BF, which is why I'm getting help for it. (I start therapy on Saturday). These instances usually involve big fat sob-fests. And absolutely nothing bad my BF does brings it on, rather it's more the great things he does where I feel I don't deserve what he's done...
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  • My best friend tells everyone that they don't ever have fights, when in reality she just nags at him until he shuts up or gives her what she wants so they won't fight. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think it's bad if there is never any conflict. Conflict is not bad, but fighting can be a bad way of handling conflict.


  • Then my relationship defintely gets the side eye, we've never argued or fought.  If it was it's something I don't remember and wasn't even serious.  

    He likes to forget about the bet we made one time that if I won he had to cook me dinner and vice versa.  This was 1 1/2 yrs ago, i won never got dinner, I said we were even when he brought me some chilli a few weeks ago.  

    Things aren't all puppies and rainbows though. There are ups and downs, I can be randomly emotional. Also with all of these wedding and engagement announcement lately, I've felt more and more of a need to have a timeline for us which isn't like him to plan so much, so over the next month or so I want to plan some things out for us.  So I can relax go back to enjoying the now and put back on the patience pants. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-fighting-with-your-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fd0ef162-dfef-4f98-b050-442ca77566d5Post:b075384c-9916-4b8a-bba6-4b509064b226">Re: NOT fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT fighting with your SO : This.  I agree with Jaycee here.  If someone says/makes it seem like things are always puppies & rainbows in their relationship I totally side-eye that.  Also, in the nearly 5 years we've been together neither FI nor myself have ever threatened or mentioned breaking up or leaving each other.  I know people who everytime they fight one or the other threatens to leave the relationship & I'll never, ever understand this. 
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    Definitely agree with this!  My ex used to do that every time we argued to the point that every guy I dated after him, including current BF at first, I was afraid to give a differing opinion because he might break up with me.  BF and I agreed that if it ever got to the point that either of us started talking breakup they better be serious because there would be no breaking up/getting back together BS.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-fighting-with-your-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fd0ef162-dfef-4f98-b050-442ca77566d5Post:425fc590-cf94-410d-851d-19fcde9e0978">Re: NOT fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it's bad if there is never any conflict. Conflict is not bad, but fighting can be a bad way of handling conflict.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]


    Exactly this.

    My H and I have to talk things through sometimes, but to me, a fight is when you get angry and yell. We don't do that.
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  • When I was a kid, I got in a really big fight with one of my best friends.  After it had blown over, she told me about something she had heard on a TV show: that you're not really friends with someone until you can fight with someone.

    I feel like that's true, and I feel like it applies to relationships, too.  If you're not comfortable enough with someone to express your disagreement, I assume that it's either (a) a new relationship or (b) you need to get out of the relationship.

    If you just never disagree with someone, you need to get out of the relationship and figure yourself out.  No two people agree 100% of the time.  Hell, I don't even agree with myself 100% of the time.

    So, yeah.  When someone tells me she never argues with her SO, I side-eye.
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I realize that everyone views "fighting" differently but it is totally baffling to me that some people don't ever get angry or upset with their SO.  



  • I don't define "fighting" as screaming, yelling, and name calling.  That is NOT healthy to do EVER.

    I define fighting as having conflict that you have to compromise through.  I think in a longterm relationship, it's healthy to have (and ork through) conflict OCCASIONALLY.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-fighting-with-your-so?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:fd0ef162-dfef-4f98-b050-442ca77566d5Post:a3b0e3a0-32ad-42e1-b162-2505deedfa2b">Re: NOT fighting with your SO</a>:
    [QUOTE]I realize that everyone views "fighting" differently but it is totally baffling to me that some people don't ever get angry or upset with their SO.  
    Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

    I think there is a difference between being upset, and ACTING out of that emotion and yelling or saying things that aren't constructive.
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  • Yeah, I find it pretty unbelievable that relationships exist where the two parties NEVER disagree about anything, EVER. It's important to know how your SO, and you as a couple work through disagreements. Because even if they haven't come up yet, they will.

    If you're able to work through those disagreements without getting even a little upset, more power to you. But, I think that the important part is being able to disagree about something and still love and respect each other at the end of it.
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  • We don't really fight, and we rarely disagree. Notice that says rarely, not never though. On the rare occasion that we do disagree/get upset with each other it never turns into more than, "Hey. That sucked. Can you not do that again?"

    "Oh. I'm sorry. What was it that sucked exactly?"

    "Reasons XYZ."

    "Ah. Well I'll keep that in mind. Sorry." *smoochiewoochieloviegoo*

    ...OK. The stuff in asterisks isn't terribly true ;) But that really is the extent of how we "fight." We're really mellow, easy going people though (ridiculously so, actually).

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  • H and I have never had a fight, or really a major disagreement.  We get annoyed with each other from time to time, but we've never yelled at each other.  I can honestly say I've never even been mad (as in really pissed off, not just mad annoyed) at him and I don't think he has been with me either.  Don't get me wrong, it's not because we don't have conflicts or that our views align so perfectly that we always agree with each other, it's just that we talk about it and compromise well enough early into it that it's never escalated to that point. 


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  • Donald and I disagree on things, but we never get to the point of anger or yelling. Neither of us think that is ok. We try to be respectful when discussing a disagreement. We are very open and honest and calm.

    I've been in relationships before where we would yell and fight and threaten to leave, etc. And it was never fun. Did my fiery Aries ram get to rear it's ugly head? Yeah. Did I feel better afterwards? No.

    Somehow (maybe it has to do with compatibility, maybe it has to do with just knowing each other for so dang long) we balance each other out pretty nicely. We're able to regulate one another and it's really nice. It definitely helps me to see that I don't just have a lover, or a 'future this or that'. But I have a partner right here and now.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









  • I am doing my PhD in psychology and we are actually learning about this type of behavior in a class. Based on the attachment a person has with their parents it relates to how the react in relationships. For couples who do not fight, it is frequently seen that both partners have avoidant attachments. This is characterized by a person who avoids confrontation, ignores any issues in the relaionship, is not always emotionally-intimate with a partner and has issues trusting each other. Although not in all realtionships obviously, it is more common in relationships that dont fight. However it is also common that if the couple dont fight, then they are more likely to hold things in and blow up the whole relationship. It sounds that your "we should break up moments" are what they are because it is little blow ups that lead to bigger ones.
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  • My BF and I don't have knock down drag out fights either. We disagree, and sometimes those disagreements get heated, but nothing that involves yelling or insults or threats.

    TBH most of our heated disagreements are usually the result of one of us being over tired or hungry lol
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