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tdwpg1984
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NOT fighting with your SO
I didn't want to threadjack, but had a question: do you think it's bad if you DON'T really fight with your SO?
Me and my BF have never really had a fight. Like never ever. We disagree on things, but it never gets to the point of our voices being raised more than a little bit (never any yelling or screaming or name calling or anything). Usually if it starts to get to the point where one or both of us starts slightly increasing our tone of voice one of us will be like "Clearly we're getting upset about this, we need to calm down and talk about it later". But even that doesn't happen often (maybe less than once every few months). It seems like most people I know have fights and get really pissed off with their SO.
I think part of it at least with us is neither of us like confrontation so we try to avoid it. I worry sometimes that my BF just keeps things bottled up and one day it will just explode.
I should note, there have been a few instances where I've had mini-meltdowns and told BF I want to break up and said other things that I wish I hadn't said but not because I'm upset with him about anything. And we didn't fight about it. It's more me feeling I'm not good enough and worrying that one day he'll think the same and dump me. I know THAT isn't good and am going to be starting therapy soon to deal with my self esteem issues. I think I'm also depressed and/or possibly developing an anxiety problem, which has caused the meltdowns, so I'll be working through that in therapy.
So is it a bad thing if you don't fight? Or does that just mean that you communicate well enough that it doesn't get to the fighting point?
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Re: NOT fighting with your SO
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
I think that never arguing in a relationship is not healthy. This is purely my opinion, but when someone says "we never argue about anything" I side-eye them. Usually people are either lying, or there isn't open communication/passion in that relationship. I've known numerous couples to say that..and guess how many are still together? Zero.
I don't think arguing should be an every day thing..but once a month or so you are bound to have a disagreement that can lead to an argument.
[QUOTE]Well for starters, I should've worded my post better..I meant fighting as in arguments, not actual "fights"..YKWIM? Also, fighting/arguing/disagreements are subjective terms; everyone thinks of them to be different things. I view fighting/arguing to be disagreeing and essentially arguing your point back and forth. I think that never arguing in a relationship is not healthy. This is purely my opinion, but when someone says "we never argue about anything" I side-eye them. Usually people are either lying, or there isn't open communication/passion in that relationship. I've known numerous couples to say that..and guess how many are still together? Zero. I don't think arguing should be an every day thing..but once a month or so you are bound to have a disagreement that can lead to an argument.
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]
Hahaha that's a whole other side. Differing opinions we have some Danish Man and I. But we just talk about it and then either make a decision to disagree or compromise. Mostly we just disagree on the merits of TV shows and hybrid cars. :)
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
[QUOTE]Well for starters, I should've worded my post better..I meant fighting as in arguments, not actual "fights"..YKWIM? Also, fighting/arguing/disagreements are subjective term; everyone thinks of them to be different things. I view fighting/arguing to be disagreeing and esentially arguing your point back and forth. <strong>I think that never arguing in a relationship is not healthy. This is purely my opinion, but when someone says "we never argue about anything" I side-eye them. </strong>Usually people are either lying, or there isn't open communication/passion in that realtionship. I've known numerous couples to say that..and guess how many are still together? Zero. I don't think arguing should be an every day thing..but once a month or so you are bound to have a disagreement that can lead to an argument.
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>This. I agree with Jaycee here. If someone says/makes it seem like things are always puppies & rainbows in their relationship I totally side-eye that. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, in the nearly 5 years we've been together neither FI nor myself have ever threatened or mentioned breaking up or leaving each other. I know people who everytime they fight one or the other threatens to leave the relationship & I'll never, ever understand this. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT fighting with your SO : This. I agree with Jaycee here. If someone says/makes it seem like things are always puppies & rainbows in their relationship I totally side-eye that. <strong>Also, in the nearly 5 years we've been together neither FI nor myself have ever threatened or mentioned breaking up or leaving each other.</strong> I know people who everytime they fight one or the other threatens to leave the relationship & I'll never, ever understand this.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
Same. I think that's extremely important. Not only is it immature to threaten that, but it obviously shows you're insecure in the relationship or don't value it.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NOT fighting with your SO : This. I agree with Jaycee here. If someone says/makes it seem like things are always puppies & rainbows in their relationship I totally side-eye that. Also, in the nearly 5 years we've been together neither FI nor myself have ever threatened or mentioned breaking up or leaving each other. I know people who everytime they fight one or the other threatens to leave the relationship & I'll never, ever understand this.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
Definitely agree with this! My ex used to do that every time we argued to the point that every guy I dated after him, including current BF at first, I was afraid to give a differing opinion because he might break up with me. BF and I agreed that if it ever got to the point that either of us started talking breakup they better be serious because there would be no breaking up/getting back together BS.
[QUOTE]I think it's bad if there is never any conflict. Conflict is not bad, but fighting can be a bad way of handling conflict.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
Exactly this.
My H and I have to talk things through sometimes, but to me, a fight is when you get angry and yell. We don't do that.
I feel like that's true, and I feel like it applies to relationships, too. If you're not comfortable enough with someone to express your disagreement, I assume that it's either (a) a new relationship or (b) you need to get out of the relationship.
If you just never disagree with someone, you need to get out of the relationship and figure yourself out. No two people agree 100% of the time. Hell, I don't even agree with myself 100% of the time.
So, yeah. When someone tells me she never argues with her SO, I side-eye.
I define fighting as having conflict that you have to compromise through. I think in a longterm relationship, it's healthy to have (and ork through) conflict OCCASIONALLY.
[QUOTE]I realize that everyone views "fighting" differently but it is totally baffling to me that some people don't ever get angry or upset with their SO.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]
I think there is a difference between being upset, and ACTING out of that emotion and yelling or saying things that aren't constructive.
If you're able to work through those disagreements without getting even a little upset, more power to you. But, I think that the important part is being able to disagree about something and still love and respect each other at the end of it.
"Oh. I'm sorry. What was it that sucked exactly?"
"Reasons XYZ."
"Ah. Well I'll keep that in mind. Sorry." *smoochiewoochieloviegoo*
...OK. The stuff in asterisks isn't terribly true
I've been in relationships before where we would yell and fight and threaten to leave, etc. And it was never fun. Did my fiery Aries ram get to rear it's ugly head? Yeah. Did I feel better afterwards? No.
Somehow (maybe it has to do with compatibility, maybe it has to do with just knowing each other for so dang long) we balance each other out pretty nicely. We're able to regulate one another and it's really nice. It definitely helps me to see that I don't just have a lover, or a 'future this or that'. But I have a partner right here and now.
"His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa
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TBH most of our heated disagreements are usually the result of one of us being over tired or hungry lol