Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points. Learn more
Wedding Etiquette Forum
amorsetx
member
rehearsal guest list - who chooses?
So... my future mother in law is very nice and means well, but she can be a bit oblivious at times.
My main issue is that she wants to invite all of her in-town friends who are already on the wedding guest list, because "it's my party for him." I have told her that I really think it should be limited to close family, wedding party and out of town guests, but she insists on inviting a select extra chunk of people. She wants to have a fun party, I understand and totally get that! But, at the end of the day I just don't think it's really nice to have her and her husband's friends at the dinner while my parents are off on their own with my family. Advice? Anyone? Bueller?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: rehearsal guest list - who chooses?
[QUOTE]The host chooses the guest list. If you and FI don't like the way she's planning it, you should turn down her offer to host.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>You might get her to change her mind a bit if you and FI are on the same page and he talks it over with her. If FMIL's view is that the RD is for him, then as the guest of honor, he might have more influence.</div>
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
Well, who is she intending to invite?
Is she on board with your immediate families, BP , readers and their SOs (or parents if you have children in the wedding), the officiant, plus anyone unpaid that needs to be at the rehearsal at the RD? As long as she is I'd be quiet about the other guests.
However if she's not wanting to invite your parents, or the SOs of people in the bridal party, I'd talk to my FI to say that you need to have those people on the guest list or you're declining the offer to host the RD.
[QUOTE]My fiancee is paying for the rehearsal. So technically he is hosting but his mom is doing all planning and will truly be hosting. Puts him in a weird position.
Posted by amorsetx[/QUOTE]
It puts him in a position where he needs to put his foot down with his mother. How is his history of doing that? Not so good?
Also, can you clarify: Your parents <em>are</em> being invited, right?
[QUOTE]My fiancee is paying for the rehearsal. So technically he is hosting but his mom is doing all planning and will truly be hosting. Puts him in a weird position.
Posted by amorsetx[/QUOTE]
Is everyone invited that needs to be (wedding party, anyone involved with the ceremony, significant others, parents)?
Can your FI afford to invite everyone she wants? Plus, does he want them there? If he can't or doesn't want them there he needs to tell her.
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: rehearsal guest list - who chooses? : It puts him in a position where he needs to put his foot down with his mother. How is his history of doing that? Not so good? Also, can you clarify: Your parents are being invited, right?
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
<div>This.</div>
That said, I would be upset if my ILs wanted to invite all their friends and family to the RD at the exclusion of my friends and family. H and I were on the same page with this; wherever the line was drawn for RD guests, it was going to be drawn there for both sides. We told his parents that was what we wanted; if they did not want to abide by that, we would have hosted the party ourselves.
I've somewhat been in your shoes; ILs wanted a welcome reception for all OOT guests. They offered to host, but it wasn't the party FI and I wanted. Instead, we hosted the welcome reception we wanted.
I think OOT guests is different from friends who live in town. Or did I read that wrong?
OP, you and FI need to talk about what you want for this RD. If he is paying, he needs to talk to FMIL about what the two of you would like. If she wants a party for her local friends, she can have that on her own.
Also, the RD is really not a party for him - it is a party for both of you.
[QUOTE]No, my parents and fam are definitely invited :). But my parents in town friends are not invited while IL's are (I'm not talking like 2 couples who are close family friends, it's more ppl than would be at dinner if only oot, etc.
Posted by amorsetx[/QUOTE]
Well...
Can your FI afford to host these extra people? Does he want to?
If he wants them there to then I would let it go. If he doesn't want them there, then he needs to be a grown-up and tell his mom that.
Planning Bio
Married 9/15/11
*This is Not Legal Advice*
[QUOTE]No, my parents and fam are definitely invited :). But my parents in town friends are not invited while IL's are (I'm not talking like 2 couples who are close family friends, it's more ppl than would be at dinner if only oot, etc.
Posted by amorsetx[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I would have a problem with this. Talk to your FI about it. If he is paying, he is the host. Even if his mother is hosting, there is something to be said about being somewhat equitable; how would she have felt if her friends were excluded from the wedding because your parents are hosting (if they are)?
[QUOTE]No, my parents and fam are definitely invited :). But my parents in town friends are not invited while IL's are (I'm not talking like 2 couples who are close family friends, it's more ppl than would be at dinner if only oot, etc.
Posted by amorsetx[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OK, I, for one, am still confused. So your parents are still invited, but their friends aren't. Their friends live in town, so they don't need to be invited to the RD. FMIL's friends in town are invited per FMIL, but also don't need to be invited. There are multiple couples who are in this "friend" bracket, who you don't want to be there, becuase you want a small RD, or equal representation.</div><div>
</div><div>If there is one thing I've learned on TK, it's that equal does not always come into play in weddings. If your FI is paying, then like all the other PP said, you need to get him to decide what he can pay for, and who he wants there.
</div>
And I, too, would be PO'd if MIL said the RD was for "him" when it's about both of you and your families and WP members.
[QUOTE]Wait, so your FI is paying, but you are not? I'm still baffled by that. Wouldn't you be paying together?
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
Not if they haven't combined their accounts. My FI and I still live separately and have totally separate bills and accounts, including for the wedding.