Not engaged....yet

transatlanticpigeon · July 2012

If fashion is one of your hobbies, why not over emphasize that for a bit over wedding things and let looking at wedding things take a rest for a while, out of respect for your BF. I understand there's a lot of overlap; I've always loved to design dresses and and even when I was like 8 I would draw wedding gowns. But maybe focus on other elements of fashion; study a fashion icon, lok at designers' non-wedding gowns.

I have a boyfried now, but there were eight years in there when I was single, nothing even casual with guys. Wedding stuff still popped into my head. My sister and I used to pore over wedding magazines together. She started buying those when she was pretty young, too, and we'd plan our weddings. It's an important day and most women are planning their weddings in their heads all the time anyway. But whether or not you're engaged, it would be good to work it through with your BF, and find something you can both live with (re how much time you spend looking at that stuff.). LIke PP said, it's never too early to strengthen your relationship, and solving this problem collaboratively with him is a good thing. A lot of marriage prep things halp point out objective areas to learn about each other.

And dont' sterss or be anxious. I say that to remind myself, too

I pounce on logistics problems like a jungle cat, so I understand why you think "but is April too late to be enaged for October?" I find I'm a lot happier when I can just ignore worries like that (I have to fight those off, though

)

Hope that's helpful!

Blue & White · July 2012

Just so you know, you are going to be amazingly annoying to your family when you're actually planning a real wedding (because now, you're just planning a fake wedding.)

Guess what - you DON'T have to be married in the fall. And if you are married in the fall, it doesn't have to be next year. After all, if the world ends in 2012, you won't even have next fall. So suck it up and let your boyfriend graduate, get a job, get a life, etc.

There's no need to rush these things.

Fancypantsamy · July 2012

OP, I'm going to give you some solid advice because it seems like you feel condecended to. I am going to tell you some wonderful stuff that you're about to learn and I mean this all woman to woman. I don't think you're crazy, but I think you're excited and you're about to miss some big things if you're not careful.

1. Being engaged isn't just about planning the wedding unless you make it that way. It's also about preparing for marriage. I dated FI for 3 and a half years before we got engaged and lived with him, etc. I thought I knew it all. But we've grown so much in the past year we've been engaged - from dealing with the budget and our families, etc. It's hard to explain and describe, but it's wonderful and I wish you the same experience.

2. You're really into weddings and fashion. Me too. Don't give up those interests, but maybe find sub interests to keep you busy. I love throwing parties - planning the snacks, the decorations, making cocktails, choosing music - those are all wedding type things and it can keep you busy.

3. apracticalwedding.com - they have a book. Read it. It will provide you with decent tips, but also chill you out a bit.

4. I wanted an August wedding. I thought that would be the only thing for me, etc etc. FI's brother lives in Korea and can only come back the weekend we're getting married. Things happen, and stuff you think will be the end of the world now won't be. You'll make it work, just let life happen.

spartybride3 · July 2012

I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, but you need to manage your expectations. If you are 22, still in school, and you don't know if your boyfried will get a job, why are you even thinking about a wedding? You should be thinking about how to find employment in this crappy economy, especially in Grand Rapids (I'm from the area originally...I know its not the best area to find a job). My husband and I were together for nearly 5 years before we got engaged & we both completed our masters degress and were in our late 20's. In those 5 years, we went to grad school, moved in together, and he faced unemployment TWICE. We talked about getting married probably around a year in & he talked about engagement plans, but they didn't happen for a long time. Why? Because he didn't feel settled financially. It's a marriage. You need to be able to take care of eachother & love doesn't pay the bills.

On another note, I will say this: Before we were engaged, I did look online for venues, etc just to get an idea of how much things cost so I could be prepared financially when it did happen. I would show him stuff sometimes, but he would just get annoyed. So what did I do? I stopped showing it to him because its frustrating to guys & it just puts pressure on them. I agree with these other girls that you should take a step back & chill on wedding "planning", but if you casually want to look at wedding things here or there, I don't see that as a big issue. Just don't share it with him or the rest of the world.

Also, you are 22...why are you in such a hurry to get married????

missfrodo · July 2012

OK so I hate to beat this one to death, but here's a true story for you:

A year or two ago, then-BF and I started talking about getting married. I LOVE planning parties, so to me it was all like, "OMG now I can look into planning a wedding! Cool!" We talked about IF he got into grad school, we would get married before he left (like June 2012), and I was like, well I'd better get on that planning train now b/c there won't be much time to plan if he gets accepted!

Well, guess what? He didn't get into grad school that year.

I was Miss Crazypants Pre-Planner.

Did I put pressure on him to get engaged? I'm sure he felt it all the time. For him, it was pressure to be financially stable enough to be married, pressure to get me a ring, pressure, pressure, pressure. I didn't do it intentionally, but it was always there, looming over his poor little head.

As soon as we became officially engaged, I feel like I suddenly had a major Maturity Moment. I realized getting married wasn't about the wedding, it was about us being married, and what a big commitment that really was. Suddenly, my life became less about omg food/drinks/venue/centerpieces, and more about discovering who FI and I really are. Yes, I still enjoy planning a wedding, but what I enjoy even more is knowing that FI and I are in love and we are able to watch each other grow together. I'm only 25, but I've matured so much since I was 22 (yes, I know I'm still pretty immature, but it was way worse before. Even if you think you're very mature for 22, I bet you'll look back differently when you're 30). Although you and your BF will still love each other in a year, who you are is constantly adjusting in microscopic ways as you discover who you are as an adult. Cherish who you are as a couple in the moment, and enjoy every moment you have together.

Best of luck in life and marriage.

transatlanticpigeon · July 2012

Dayma, I think there is a lot of prepackaged conventional wisdom on this board. Don't let people get you down.

I know so many people who were married at 19 or early twenties and have been married some of them for over a decade. Did they mature a lot after they got married? Yes; they matured together. Did they have jobs lined up before they got married? Not all of them. It worked out. Life keeps going. A lot of them are doing things they never thought they would when they got married, job wise. Was it easy? No. A lot of them have faced struggles and unemployment and uncertainty.

Love doesn't pay the bills, and neither does unemployment. You are going to have to pay those bills whether you are married or not. Only you and your SO can decide when to get married. Don't let internet strangers get you down

catelka1284 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engagedyet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee408580-2745-4bbb-a5f6-2b63ea5ba89bPost:1dcaa708-2b48-44c8-b11d-6b4511b78995">Re: Not engaged....yet</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, but you need to manage your expectations. If you are 22, still in school, and you don't know if your boyfried will get a job, why are you even thinking about a wedding? You should be thinking about how to find employment in this crappy economy, especially in Grand Rapids (I'm from the area originally...I know its not the best area to find a job). <strong>My husband and I were together for nearly 5 years before we got engaged & we both completed our masters degress and were in our late 20's. In those 5 years, we went to grad school, moved in together, and he faced unemployment TWICE. We talked about getting married probably around a year in & he talked about engagement plans, but they didn't happen for a long time. Why? Because he didn't feel settled financially.</strong> It's a marriage. You need to be able to take care of eachother & love doesn't pay the bills. On another note, I will say this: Before we were engaged, I did look online for venues, etc just to get an idea of how much things cost so I could be prepared financially when it did happen. I would show him stuff sometimes, but he would just get annoyed. So what did I do? I stopped showing it to him because its frustrating to guys & it just puts pressure on them. I agree with these other girls that you should take a step back & chill on wedding "planning", but if you casually want to look at wedding things here or there, I don't see that as a big issue. Just don't share it with him or the rest of the world. Also, you are 22...why are you in such a hurry to get married????
Posted by spartybride3[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Did you read my journal, because this is pretty much my life right now... together 5 years (this Saturday), late 20s, finished grad school, unemployment (only once though), living together, & waiting for financial security. I feel like you should be my spirit guide...

</div>

tamaraandgarrett · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engagedyet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:ee408580-2745-4bbb-a5f6-2b63ea5ba89bPost:4f6bc494-249b-4bd1-93dd-c3ed6865ed47">Re: Not engaged....yet</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is he'll bring up things about wedding plans too. Like such and such place would be a cool area to have it. He's not completely turning his other cheek when I bring up wedding related things. Also my response to "get a hobby": weddings and fashion are my twin hobbies like I said. Hence wanting to work in the wedding industry. My sister just got married and I'm thinking of working part time in the industry. Both of these things draw me to wedding websites, are you saying I can no longer pursue my interests? I don't walk around proclaiming what flowers or people will be at our wedding, I'm looking at pictures for fun. I've reported back to him about one spot I found and only to get his opinion- not pressure him or tell him that's how it's going to be. I know I'm not engaged. I'm also a girl who likes looking at wedding stuff. I'm not planning the guest list or booking reception sites over here. Simply looking and learning so when the time comes I know what the heck I'm doing. Some people on here are downright rude, I'm simply asking for advice on a website based on marriage and love . Let's not forget to show some. Even if you disagree with something, there's a difference between helpfully giving advice and acting like someone's way beneath yourself.
Posted by dayma09[/QUOTE]

Let me give you some advice...daydream, make a weding board on pinterest, look at dresses, review some venues but...KEEP IT A SECRET! He doesn't have to hear about it until you are engaged and if he ever acts bothered than just keep it to yourself unless he brings something up and then answer him or carry on a conversation about it. I learned this from the way I was with my FI and sometimes I regret seeming so pushy so please learn from my mistake and keep it more private :). Good luck though

Not engaged....yet

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