NWR: Vent!! (Long)

PinkButterfly2011 · January 2010

For those of you who havent seen my intro post, I am new to the boards. Im helping my friend plan her wedding. But this is a totally different thing. Just a little backround: My bf and I have been dating for almost year now and have looked at rings and have already discussed innumerable times about how we are going to get married, blah blah blah. Well anyway, I go to school four and half hours away from him and its been incredibly difficult. He told me before school started in the fall that anytime I needed him, he would come up here in a heart beat. He has been up here one time, early in September. He does seasonal work and therefore had to work on weekends too so I started to come home to see him. Not really a problem. However, it started with my bday in October, on Duck Hunting Opener. For the month prior, he was talking about how much he had planned for my bday, dinner at a really nice restaurant, spending the entire day together, going shopping... well, I was driving down for the dinner (night before my actual bday. Couldnt celebrate it the night of because he was leaving then to go to hunting), and he calls and says hes really tired and needs all the rest he can for hunting so he was CANCELING the dinner he was bragging about for a month for freaking hunting. That was bad enough, then the next day he worked on his hunting crap the entire day. So throughout the entire fall, he was hunting every day, never taking the time to come up here no matter how many times I practically begged him to. Winter break was good. He said things were going to change. Now, I asked him to come up last weekend a week ahead of time and he seemed excited but hmmed and hawed till the last possible minute till the storm was coming and decided not to come. Even when the weather and the roads were fine mid-day Friday. I told him that I am done inviting him up here. I was LIVID. He ice fishes every day now. He tells me how much he misses me every day but he doesnt do anything about it. He knows how much it bothers me. The way I see it is that he doesnt care enough to take the time and I told him that and he gets really defensive and tells me that its not like that, blah blah blah. Im just tired of feeling like he cares more about how he feels and what he wants then how I feel and what I want. I love to hunt and fish and stuff, so its not that I hate or dont like what he is so passionate about. How can I get him to see what hes doing isnt good for our relationship? Or is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Advice please.

veijes · January 2010

Honestly when I was reading your whole post, it sounded like a relationship I was in for 2 1/2 years. It WILL NOT get better, he has chosen to do other things over you, therefore he will continue to be like that, especially since you have given in to his ways and haven't really done anything about it, he probably thinks it's fine now. My ex bf was just like this, he would say "I want to come see you so bad" and we would have a whole weekend planned out, then last minute, he would cancel. He continued to say he would change whenever I tried to break up with him. He did the bare minimum to keep the relationship working, and then would try a little harder when he felt he was loosing me. Then I decided to move from the cities to Duluth to be with him since he said it would be much better if I did that. It didn't last more than a month, we lived not even a mile from each other and it almost seemed harder to get him to hang out then! I'm so sorry to say this but dump him now and move on! I found the love of my life since then and he will do ANYTHING to make me happy and to see me! And I will do ANYTHING to make him happy! Love is easy when it's right!

supersalwa · January 2010

I agree with veijes. Your bf's actions are not those of a man who wants to spend time with you, or even of those of someone in a serious relationship. Given how long this has been going on, it's time for a major re-evaluation of the relationship. Sorry you're dealing with this!

Bimbi284 · January 2010

I agree with the PPs...I've been in similar relationships (oddly enough, one of the guys also lived in Duluth Viejes!), and I was always the one the get the shaft, just like you are now. Its hard to see it when he seems so genuinely invested in making it better when you do complain about it, but bottom line is, you aren't happy. I lived 4 states away from my fiance, and even though we couldn't see each other often, we made a promise to see each other at least once a month, and we'd switch off who would go where. Its been almost 2 years now that we have been doing this, and it is hard, but I know that if anything happened or I really needed him, he would be here as soon as he could, and I would do the same for him. I'm really sorry you have to go through this crap! I know how much it sucks....you gotta think of yourself though and what makes you happy!

fryks · January 2010

I'm going to be uncomfortably honest:

No matter what type of relationship--even just a friendship or a family member--there is a certain amount of give and take necessary to make things last, to make everything worth it. You put forth the effort to visit him. Does he reciprocate? Does he thank you? Does he express how much it means to him when you give him space for his hobies? Do you nag him all the time, or do you express gratitude? Are you patient with each other?

If he does not give of himself in the relationship, I call that being rude. Depending on how important manners are to you, you can either (politely) point out that you don't feel that he's giving back to the relationship and offer suggestions on how to better your communication or you can tell him that you have a vast difference of ethical standards and go find someone who is more compatible with your standards of a functional, healthy relationship. Either way, you shouldn't have to put up with behavior that you think is inappropriate coming from your significant other.

akstanl · January 2010

I am with everyone else. I would recommend taking a little time and going to the book store or library and reading some of "He's just not that into you"

I really liked that book. It really makes sense and puts things in another perspective if you're having a hard time stepping back and looking at the situation from the outside.

PinkButterfly2011 · January 2010

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Fryks- He is always appreciative when I make the time to visit him, when I am ok with him going duck hunting with his friends (other then that, his only other hobbies like fishing, deer hunting, ice fishing, and hockey, we share passion for), and for how much I have been there for him in the last almost six months (death in the family).

I just want to clarify that he was never like this before said death. While I know he is as in love with me as I am him and while we both want the same things for our future, I just do not know how much more of this I can take.

Again, thanks everyone for your input.

veijes · January 2010

I totally agree with Akstanl, go and read even just 1 chapter of He's Not that into You. It totally puts things into perspective! LOVE that book!

Bimbi284 · January 2010

It sounds like the death in the family took a toll on him, but that doesn't necessarily excuse how he's treated you. Perhaps both of you just need some time to put things into perspective and figure out what you want as individuals.

And yes, He's Just Not That Into You is a GREAT read for situations like this!

MesmrEwe · January 2010

I'm with what a lot of the PP have mentioned... It's NOT going to get any better, the only person you can change is yourself. It really sounds like you're both at different points in your lives. He's in the working world and you're in school. There's a HUGE difference between the life you live as a student and the life you live as a working adult away from school. The expectations that you've got for eachother right now just aren't working and given the distance it's not really realistic to expect him to be coming there as frequently as you're wanting him to. It gets expensive for gas, whether he tells you that or not, and with working the type of job he is, he has to stretch his funds not knowing when the next paycheck is coming in. Relationships go both ways and without patience and understanding on both parties part, it just won't work. You may have the same ultimate goals/desires from life, but with being in school life is going to change a lot once you're out, the question is, what are you willing to accept and what aren't you willing to accept. It may be that you both need to take some time away and just be really good friends for a while instead of on the dating/marriage path. Really consider what's going on and if this is something that's going to work because you BOTH make it work, or if it's something that you can just be friends and go hunting/fishing together when you're in town.

It's only something you can decide for yourselves, and it could really be that he's just in the grieving process and needs that space. But, you've got to talk things over with him and figure out what path you're really on without trying to cover things up with what s/he says and what s/he means...

Qston · January 2010

The fact that you are even verbalizing this means you are having doubts yourself, and looking for confirmation of those doubts. So many of us have been in that crappy relationship, and have worked so hard at trying to make it work, and I'm willing to place a bet that 95% of the women on this board are not marrying that person, they moved on, were strong, and found someone who actually cared about them, respected their feelings, and made love feel easy, like it should.

And if you feel the need to defend him, that only makes it sound like you are that much more desperate and like you are trying more to convince yourself than any of us.

Also, if you've only been together for a year, and its already this difficult what makes you think its going to get better? Find the strength you need to to move on with your life and find someone who says they love you and actually shows it, too. We all deserve that.

veijes · January 2010

I know that most of us on here think it is a no brainer to move on but if any of you were in that situation before, remember back to how you felt about that person. They say they love you and want to change, you believe it, you get desperate to make it work. No matter what great advice we give, if she isn't ready to listen (which it sounds like she isn't, by being defensive) then she won't walk away from it. I had family and friends constantly telling me to break up with my ex and I just gave excuses the whole time. When I was ready, I just walked away. It sucks to hear someone going through the same thing though!

Bimbi284 · January 2010

I completely agree with you Veijes!

brimaven · January 2010

I guess i could see it if he was working, but instead he's out doing his hobbies with his friends! It seems like he has made his choice, as to what's important in his life.

NWR: Vent!! (Long)

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