Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Snarky Brides
Budgeting and making FH decide on things! *long*
I'm not sure this fits here, but since I've seena lot of venting, and that's kind of what I need to do, I guess I'll go ahead.
My fiance and I have been engaged officially for over a year now, and "unofficially" for over a year before that! My parents are paying for a very large chunk of my wedding, as is traditional. However, as I started to bring up the fact that it's about time to start booking things and putting down deposits my mom starts freaking out on me that they don't have the money to do this. She keeps asking me to change my venue that we've had picked since last Summer, thinking that it's going to cost too much. We don't have to pay to rent the facility and it's $10-15 a plate for a plated dinner!!! She's worried about renting chairs and tables and linens and all of the nickle and diming that comes with getting married at a golf course that's not fully equipped for weddings. I keep trying to sit down with my parents and explain all of the budgeting I've done, showing that this is the most affordable way to do this.
I feel like they have had plenty of time to budget and plan, and I'm offended that it has to be this way. We managed my sister's wedding in less than 8 weeks of planning, and it cost less than 3 grand. My wedding won't be like that, but I feel like that's what my mom expects. I'm not in a case where people will be handing me everything because they feel bad that I'm pregnant and my HTB is going away to Iraq just weeks after the wedding. I'm a traditional bride, and we will have a larger number of guests because people will have a usual amount of time to plan on coming. I feel like I"m getting the short end of the stick, again. comes with being the baby child i guess.
Also, getting my fiance to decide on anything is very hard too. He keeps saying that we can't make any choices until we get things figured out with my mom, but there are things that we can do, and he's not helping at all. He wants to be involved in the planning, but when he won't settle on anything that i suggest, or come up with anything of his own it's very hard to involve him!
Any tips of things that I can say to either of them to make it all go over more smoothly?
Thanks for listening.
My fiance and I have been engaged officially for over a year now, and "unofficially" for over a year before that! My parents are paying for a very large chunk of my wedding, as is traditional. However, as I started to bring up the fact that it's about time to start booking things and putting down deposits my mom starts freaking out on me that they don't have the money to do this. She keeps asking me to change my venue that we've had picked since last Summer, thinking that it's going to cost too much. We don't have to pay to rent the facility and it's $10-15 a plate for a plated dinner!!! She's worried about renting chairs and tables and linens and all of the nickle and diming that comes with getting married at a golf course that's not fully equipped for weddings. I keep trying to sit down with my parents and explain all of the budgeting I've done, showing that this is the most affordable way to do this.
I feel like they have had plenty of time to budget and plan, and I'm offended that it has to be this way. We managed my sister's wedding in less than 8 weeks of planning, and it cost less than 3 grand. My wedding won't be like that, but I feel like that's what my mom expects. I'm not in a case where people will be handing me everything because they feel bad that I'm pregnant and my HTB is going away to Iraq just weeks after the wedding. I'm a traditional bride, and we will have a larger number of guests because people will have a usual amount of time to plan on coming. I feel like I"m getting the short end of the stick, again. comes with being the baby child i guess.
Also, getting my fiance to decide on anything is very hard too. He keeps saying that we can't make any choices until we get things figured out with my mom, but there are things that we can do, and he's not helping at all. He wants to be involved in the planning, but when he won't settle on anything that i suggest, or come up with anything of his own it's very hard to involve him!
Any tips of things that I can say to either of them to make it all go over more smoothly?
Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Budgeting and making FH decide on things! *long*
As far as yoru FI is concerned - he's right. Get the money stuff figured out before you start wthinking about other stuff. I know I didn't feel like planning anything until I knew for sure where all the money was coming from. And by the way, it's mainly coming from us. Go figure.
[QUOTE]I'm not sure this fits here, but since I've seena lot of venting, and that's kind of what I need to do, I guess I'll go ahead. My fiance and I have been engaged officially for over a year now, and "unofficially" for over a year before that! My parents are paying for a very large chunk of my wedding, as is traditional. However, as I started to bring up the fact that it's about time to start booking things and putting down deposits my mom starts freaking out on me that they don't have the money to do this. She keeps asking me to change my venue that we've had picked since last Summer, thinking that it's going to cost too much. We don't have to pay to rent the facility and it's $10-15 a plate for a plated dinner!!! She's worried about renting chairs and tables and linens and all of the nickle and diming that comes with getting married at a golf course that's not fully equipped for weddings. I keep trying to sit down with my parents and explain all of the budgeting I've done, showing that this is the most affordable way to do this. I feel like they have had plenty of time to budget and plan, and I'm offended that it has to be this way. We managed my sister's wedding in less than 8 weeks of planning, and it cost less than 3 grand. My wedding won't be like that, but I feel like that's what my mom expects. I'm not in a case where people will be handing me everything because they feel bad that I'm pregnant and my HTB is going away to Iraq just weeks after the wedding. I'm a traditional bride, and we will have a larger number of guests because people will have a usual amount of time to plan on coming. I feel like I"m getting the short end of the stick, again. comes with being the baby child i guess. Also, getting my fiance to decide on anything is very hard too. He keeps saying that we can't make any choices until we get things figured out with my mom, but there are things that we can do, and he's not helping at all. He wants to be involved in the planning, but when he won't settle on anything that i suggest, or come up with anything of his own it's very hard to involve him! Any tips of things that I can say to either of them to make it all go over more smoothly? Thanks for listening.
Posted by lotte2010[/QUOTE]
JIC
Yes, parents paying for weddings is "traditional", but so is parents dictating almost everything about their daughters' lives (including what kind of wedding they had) until they left their house to live with their husbands. Times have changed.
How much are YOU contributing toward your own wedding? If I were your mother, I'd cut you off so fast your head would spin. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it yourself. Then see how eager you are for that $10-15 a head PLUS rentals.
As far as your problem. If it's their money they get a say on how much they want to spend. You can always just pay for it yourself if you are not happy with how they are planning the wedding.
Your FI is totally right - budget comes first.
PPs are also right - your mom offered you a gift of money. You don't get to decide how big that gift should be. If you want this wedding, you're apparently going to need to cover some of the costs. It's no parent's obligation to pay for a child's wedding, and a bad attitude isn't going to encourage your mom to help you.
Married bio
Pro pics
Travel and expat life blog
As for this:
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_budgeting-making-fh-decide-things-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6c38d400-c70c-4cab-905a-8121db736205Post:cbdef633-67d4-44db-8a5e-c1aa93ecddee">Re: Budgeting and making FH decide on things! *long*</a>:
[QUOTE]lordy. I told my parents over a year before we got engaged to start thinking about their budgets so when the time comes, we won't be stressing. Dad & step-Mom: no-problemo. Mom & step-Dad: and here comes the b.s.
Posted by greenglasshero[/QUOTE]
Yikes. You told your parents to start thinking about their budgets? Nice.
Am I the only one who thought their parents didn't owe them a dime to get married? I never asked and never assumed.
I didn't even read this because it hurts my eyes.
Where to begin, where to begin. Who in the world becomes 'unofficially engaged'? either he asked you to marry him, or he didn't.
You sound like you want to be a spoiled brat, but you just arnt one. Stop biitching!!
Your mom doesn't have the money from something, sit down with her LIKE AN ADULT and ask her how much she would be able to afford. Be thankful that she actually wants to help you, most brides on here arnt getting that help.
[QUOTE]You are not getting the short end of the stick. You are a brat. And BTW - "traditional brides" have the baby after the wedding.
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]
I agree she's being a brat, but I think her sister is the one who was pregnant and had the soldier-husband.
[QUOTE] I feel like they have had plenty of time to budget and plan, and <strong>I'm offended that it has to be this way</strong>. We managed my sister's wedding in less than 8 weeks of planning, and it cost less than 3 grand. My wedding won't be like that, but I feel like that's what my mom expects. I'm not in a case where people will be handing me everything because they feel bad that I'm pregnant and my HTB is going away to Iraq just weeks after the wedding. I'm a traditional bride, and we will have a larger number of guests because people will have a usual amount of time to plan on coming. <strong>I feel like I"m getting the short end of the stick</strong>, again. Posted by lotte2010[/QUOTE]
Wow, I'm offended that you are so spoiled. Your sister had a small, inexpensive wedding before her husband went off to war, and you're bitching about not getting a fancy enough wedding? You have got to be the worst sister ever. Why do you begrudge her and your parents anything?
And your FI is also right. Why the fuuck would he want to pick out cocktail napkins when he doesn't know who is paying for it?
Married
Planning
First off, you're a spoiled brat. Your parents are telling you they CAN'T pay for the wedding you want. Instead of accepting that fact and contributing your own money or looking for other options, you're throwing a 2 year old's temper tantrum. Way to be mature and take life's punches there. Lots, and lots, of people can't afford the things they thought they could last year, have you heard about this recession we're in? It's kind of a big deal.
Your parents have had a year to save up, well so have you. Where's your savings? Many couples pay for most if not all of their weddings these days. If you want your golf club wedding, pony up the dough. If you don't have the money, then mom and dad get to pay for what they can pay for, and they get to decide that, not you.
And lastly, your FI is absolutely in the right. You probably have no idea how many brides come on here biitching because they signed a bunch of contracts without having a budget or money in hand, and wanting to know how they can get out of those contracts later or what to do when they can't pay for what they've contracted for. It is never wise to spend money you don't have, or you're going to have problems.
Featured Showing: Planning Bio-The Original
Coming Soon: Married Bio
So if you want traditional perks of the parents paying, you'll have to make traditional sacrifices and let them plan the wedding that is within their means, not dictate what they are to spend. And remember that if your parents contribute anything at all to your wedding, it's because it's a gift, not because they "owe" it to you.
I think what your parents are trying to tell you is they cannot afford the wedding you have been planning. I'd suggest you ask them how much they ARE willing to contribute, and then pay the difference.
Your FI is right to not agree to anything yet. If he's not cooperating, its either because he doesn't like your ideas, or he's right to not count on chickens before they are hatched. Don't make any plans until you have the money in hand.
It sounds like you are planning things and coming up with a budget, which is good. You need to know in advance how much all the "nickel and dime" stuff will cost, so you know how much money you need to come up with. If you can't come up with the difference, then you need to downsize your expectations.
Good luck to you, hope it works out.
[QUOTE]I didn't even read this because it hurts my eyes.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
I'm glad I'm not alone.
You also don't really get to decide what kind of bride you'll be until you know your budget. You might WANT to be a "300 guests at a black tie event" bride and then find out you have $6,000 to work with, in which case you'll be a "75 people at a BBQ" bride or a "Courthouse followed by a nice dinner for 30" bride.
40/112
You may have to pony up the additional funding for your dream golf course wedding, but if that's what you want, suck it up. You have had- in your words- at least two years to save for said dream wedding- it's not your mom's fault she doesn't want to pay for it all.
The next thing you need to do is get into pre-marital counseling, because you have no clue what marriage is about. Your FI is mean for not wanting to plan anything without knowing how much you have to spend? You are so focused on the WEDDING you don't see anything else.
maybe you should ask her what HER budget is, find out what SHE is willing to pay for, then suck it up and pay the rest yourselves.
i totally don't blame your FH...
*10.9.10*