Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?

emricmacy · January 2013

Long story short, my cousin sexually harassed me when I was younger. My sister got married 2 years ago, and invited him. He came. He's about 7 yrs older than me. I don't know if I should invite him or not. My mom insists and will be mad at me if I don't, because I'm inviting his mom, who is my aunt. My mom is the only one who knows about the past.

My fiance said I don't have to invite him if I don't want to, and he doesn't want him there, but my mom will be very upset with me, and will cause a lot of family drama if I don't invite him.

Just suck it up and invite him?

misssunshine17 · January 2013

Absolutely not! There is no way in hell I would invite him. Seriously. And people who say you should, I'd question that they have your best interest at heart. I am 100% on your side.

Screw family drama. Honestly, I think your family sucks for not being on your side.

Darbie914 · January 2013

Does your mom know that he sexually harassed you? If she does and STILL insists on him being invited, I would think she has a serious screw loose.

I would think that given the history, you are not obligated to invite him. It really doesn't matter if your sister invited him to her wedding. I would absolutely NOT invite him.

emricmacy · January 2013

My mom does know, no one else does!

My mom is just worried that her sister will never talk to her again.
She said that my cousin might not come anyways.

I just don't want my mom to be upset with me, and she will be furious if I don't invite him.

emricmacy · January 2013

This harassment was when I was about 7, lasted 2 years. I did go to counseling for a few years, and that helped a lot.
I"m "over it", but still don't want him to be there.
He also has a brother, who is VERY creepy, and I don't want him there either.

One of my mom's sister's didn't talk to my mom for years about something totally different, and she said she doesn't want that to happen again. I understand where she's coming from. I would be upset if my sister didn't talk to me.
But everyone else invited to our wedding is either family, or great friends.

My mom said they might not even go, but still, what if they say yes!

Simply Fated · January 2013

Dont invite him. If your mom asks why, remind her. Is there a reason why you didn't tell anyone else about this abuse? Please understand that I'm concerned because if he did it to you, he'll most likely do it to others. Your aunt will be understandably angry that her child was randomly excluded. Only it wasn't random, but she doesn't know this. Would you be willing to take the brunt of your aunt's anger by telling her the truth?

emricmacy · January 2013

I talked to my mom about this on Sunday, she said she understands why I don't want to invite him, but I have to because it's her sister's son.
No real reason why we didn't tell anyone else. Guess we don't want family drama. It would tear the families apart.

My aunt will be furious when she finds out they aren't invited, and it's not the time to tell her, or anyone else about this incident.

renegade gaucho · January 2013

Of course you shouldn't invite someone who harmed you like that to your wedding. I'd also seriously reconsider your relationship with your mother. I can't believe she KNOWS about the harassment and still places a higher priority on keeping the peace with her sister. She should be most concerned about protecting her children.

emricmacy · January 2013

I guess I know that if I don't invite him, my mom will pretty much disown me..

s-aries8990 · January 2013

Can you talk to that aunt?

emricmacy · January 2013

I haven't talked to her in about 2 years, she's very close to my mom, but not myself or my siblings. We used to be close when we were younger. It's really not an option to bring this up to her.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

Is your mother paying at all for your wedding? Then decline her money and invite who you want.

I may be taking this out of proportion because I have no idea what your situation is like other than what you have written, but I could not maintain a relationship with someone who had such little sensitivity to your situation (your mother). I am an internet stranger and I am furious for you... and I don't even know your name. Your mother should feel like I do x1000.

thejucheidea · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:ca27c613-06ab-4b64-806a-523735011b67">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I know that if I don't invite him, my mom will pretty much disown me..
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

If your mom disowns you for not inviting someone who sexually abused you to your wedding, which is supposed to be a happy day for you, then she doesn't deserve to have you as a daughter.

daveANDkristen · January 2013

I don't think you should invite him if it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe your mom does not take the harassment as seriously as you do because your cousin was also a child at the time. I understand that it will cause family drama if you don't invite him. Any chance you can invite no cousins (not sure how many you have or how close you are to them). Just a thought, it might be easier to explain to your aunt if there was a clear cut-off.

KateH2013 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:7b6a0f58-32e6-4576-a22c-6fbd3c1bd769">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is your mother paying at all for your wedding? Then decline her money and invite who you want. I may be taking this out of proportion because I have no idea what your situation is like other than what you have written, but I could not maintain a relationship with someone who had such little sensitivity to your situation (your mother). I am an internet stranger and I am furious for you... and I don't even know your name. Your mother should feel like I do x1000.
Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This. All of this. I'm absolutely baffled your mother is even pushing the issue. Stick to your guns on this one and do not invite him.</div>

emricmacy · January 2013

She is paying for some of the wedding.

She was sensitive about it, and very very upset when I told her about it yeras ago.

She says she understands, but I still need to invite him.

Her words were..you need to invite them, and it's up to them if they go or not.

jlm9113 · January 2013

I'd tell your mom EXACTLY why you don't want to invite him. And if she's still pressuring your or minimizes what happened, I'd let her know she can go screw herself.

Honestly, sexual harassment isn't something anyone should have to put up with from anyone. Period. You're well within your rights under etiquette to exclude him.

ETA: Just read your follow up posts. I'd still tell your mother to go to he!! if she can't get the idea that he's not invited through her skull and then pay for the wedding yourself (you and FI).

misssunshine17 · January 2013

Print this thread out and show it to her. All these internet strangers think she is wrong. Does she maintain a relationship with this aunt? I am baffled by this.

OP, I am so sorry she is putting you in this situation.

lyndausvi · January 2013

I have no respet for a mom who knows someone abused their child and didn't do anything about it. (At the very least cutting off contact with her nephew.

Screw mom. don't invite him.

Hummingbird125 · January 2013

I can't believe you even have to make this "choice". You need to tell your mom that your wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest says of your life, and that you would not be able to enjoy the day if you had to see the person responsible for the most terrible time of your life. Tell her that she can choose to (finally) inform her sister of what happened so many years go, or she can just tell her sister that she didn't agree wit hthe decision to not invite him, but it was your decision to make. Since it sounds like you don't have much of a relationship with this aunt, I don't think you'll care if she's upset with you.

If I were in your shoes, there is no way in he!! I would invite this person to my wedding, regardless of whether I was "over" it. It sounds like it's going to suck when you tell your mom this, but it may force her to finally acknowledge what actually happened back then (it sounds to me like she's tried to pretend it really didn't happen, or that maybe it wasn't as bad as you made it out to be), - otherwise, I have no idea how she could insist you invite this guy to your wedding.

Getting married usually means you get to throw an awesome party with all of your friends and family, but more importantly, it's about taking a very important step in your life as an adult, and it's about starting a new chapter of your life and forming your own new family - so I think it is very important for you to stand up for yourself on this day in particular.

Good luck

anastassiiat · January 2013

I would definitely not invite the cousin, and start saving up just in case your mom decides to pull the funding that she originally offered if you stick to your guns. I also like DaveAndKristen's suggestion of excluding all cousins if that's a possibility.

Jen4948 · January 2013

Tell your mom that no, you don't "have" to invite a guy who sexually harassed you regardless of how he's related to the family, that you're furious that she'd not only ignore your health and safety concerns but would "insist" on it on what should be a happy occasion for you, and that if she continues to "insist" on it, you will "insist" on not having her at your wedding either.

I realize that this will be hard for you, especially if she is paying for anything, but I think that someone that in denial needs not to be there-especially if she is insisting on something that not only denies but could perpetuate the harm that was done to you.

TKzilla · January 2013

Oh honey. Please don't give into this. Put your pretty bridal foot down and say no to your mom, your aunt and whoever else objects.

I hate that you've been harboring this secret for so long. I don't know you, but I can say from personal experience sometimes it is best to just let it all out. I really hope you can find the courage to at least tell your fiance. It was hard for me to tell mine about my first boyfriend and the abuse in that relationship, but in the end I felt better, and he felt better. I felt like I could trust him more, too.

I would hug you if I could.

emricmacy · January 2013

I agree with all of you. And to a certain extent I don't want to cause drama between my mom and her sister. I will feel bad. They are very close, always have been.
It's just not the time to tell my aunt about this.

My mom said my cousin's probably won't come, but I'm sure they will, as they are greedy, and scummy!

This will turn into a full blown arguement with my mom. As I said, we just talked about it on Sunday, and she was already upset with me because I don't want to invite them.

My fiance knows about my past with my cousin, and does not like him at all because of what he did, so obviously he is on my side and said I can invite or not invite anyone I want to.

My aunt will be furious with my mom if I don't invite her sons.

lyndausvi · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:c3c0b88e-3274-484c-aa05-2a747daecbba">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with all of you. And to a certain extent I don't want to cause drama between my mom and her sister. I will feel bad. They are very close, always have been<strong>. It's just not the time to tell my aunt about this.</strong> My mom said my cousin's probably won't come, but I'm sure they will, as they are greedy, and scummy! This will turn into a full blown arguement with my mom. As I said, we just talked about it on Sunday, and she was already upset with me because I don't want to invite them. My fiance knows about my past with my cousin, and does not like him at all because of what he did, so obviously he is on my side and said I can invite or not invite anyone I want to. My aunt will be furious with my mom if I don't invite her sons.
Posted by emricmacy[/QUOTE]

Umm, no the time to tell your aunt out this was 14+ years ago. I don't want to bash the victim, but you say you are "over it". I'm not sure how you can allow him to do this to other young girls. People like him generally do not do this only once. Keeping this a secrect just protects him.

emricmacy · January 2013

My mom just seems to be assiming that they will just decline and not come. But they both came to my sister's wedding 2 years ago, and I'm sure will come to mine!

My aunt will probably never talk to my mom again, and that does upset me..

beardownbchs · January 2013

When you talk to your mom, remind her that this is your wedding and it's about making you happy and comfortable, not her. I typically hate the "my day" mentality but your mom seems to be more concerned with her relationship with her sister than your comfort, happiness and mental health. Yes, when you invite guests to a wedding, it becomes about them but this is not a case of you hosting poorly, this is a case of your mom caring more about herself than you, which is bullshlt. Her relationship with her sister is their business. Not yours. Since you don't really have a relationship with your aunt to begin with, I would let your mom throw you right under the bus. Let her tell the aunt "well I don't know what emricmacy's problem is but I'm pissed that Abuser isn't invited".

daveANDkristen · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousinharassment-invite-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:131b039d-9a97-497e-96b0-f294915052d7Post:8a14fa55-fe7e-42b6-87bd-c0188639577b">Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cousin/Harassment Invite or Not? : Umm, no the time to tell your aunt out this was 14+ years ago. I don't want to bash the victim, but you say you are "over it". I'm not sure how you can allow him to do this to other young girls. People like him generally do not do this only once. Keeping this a secrect just protects him.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I'm not defending the cousin, because none of us knows the circumstances of the harassment. But I would like to point out again that OP's cousin was a child himself when this happened so I wouldn't necessary assume that he is a pedophile. I'm sure OP is in a better position to assess.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

So to be clear, you aunt does not know about this situation? Well, I'm sorry, but your mother in choosing your aunt in this situation. For crying out loud, do not invite the cousins, they are scum.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

Kristen, the cousin is 7 years older, making him 14 when the abuse started. A 14 year old full well knows what is going on and how disgusting their behavior with a 7 year old is. He was not a child.

s-aries8990 · January 2013

honestly, their relationship not your problem. You may really want to consider declining the money because your mother doesn't seem worth the hassle and heartbreak. She is choosing not hurting her sister over hurting her sexually harassed daughter who needed therapy.

You mother should have brought this to your autns attention 14+ years ago and it should be brought to her attention now. It's never "the right time" to tell someone their child is or was sexually harassing a relative, I mean whien is "the right time"? It's obviously still affecting you.

If you mom disowns you, good riddance. It's a burden she'll have to bear because protecting the abuser always comes back to bight them in the arse.

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