Pregnant BMs

LuckyBrideToBe0013 · February 2010

I was chatting with a family member today who I will be asking to be in my wedding party. We are very close and I was in her party, so she knows I am going to ask her to be in it -- I just haven't gotten that far in my planning yet.

She mentioned that she has several weddings in 2011, that she was looking to have kids at that point and that she hopes no one has a problem with that. I jokingly said "No babies at my wedding, whether walking around or popping out." (She knows I don't want any kids at my wedding, as we have discussed this.) We just kind of laughed it off, but I don't think this is the last I am going to hear about this.

I know I might sound really rude with this, but I would prefer my BMs not be 9 mos. pregnant at my wedding. I understand people have their own lives, but I don't see why they can't either wait or speed things up a few months. I am expecting a similar problem with my FSIL. When these girls were getting married I was expected to rearrange my entire schedule for them, but now that they are married they seem to have forgotten that. I also don't see how they are going to be able to help plan a shower, b-party and just be there for me (all things I did for them) if they are dealing with a coming child.

I'm not going to tell people what to do and I kind of can't not have these girls in my BP, as they are family. I want to seriously discuss this with my close FBM when I ask her to be in the party -- just tell her I would prefer if she could plan to not be popping on the alter.

I am wondering what you ladies and gents think. Any one else have this experience or thoughts?

mbcdefg · February 2010

I think you're being incredibly selfish.

caketime · February 2010

If you are just asking this to stir up drama so you can have fun then you need to move on.

If you are actually being serious about this you are one of the most selfish, self-centered people I have come across. You do not say anything to anyone about becoming pregnant or having just given birth. Then again it is your pretty princess day so everyone should bow down and kiss your feet.

LuckyBrideToBe0013 · February 2010

I know people are going to say that. I would like to hear from all of your points of view because I know I'm not totally thinking of other people right now. I wanted to hear people's advice on the issue, which is why I brought it here.

LuckyBrideToBe0013 · February 2010

I do not intentionally stir up drama on these boards. I honestly want to hear what you girls think, like maybe point out why I am wrong. Attacking me is just a waste of time.

caketime · February 2010

No, you brought it here for the drama because if you know people are going to say that than you already had your answer. Go ahead...move on....

jaimelody · February 2010

Do you know anyone that is trying to have kids? It's not exactly like they can say "ok I want to get pregnant next week and pop the baby out in 9 months just in time for so and so's wedding." It's hard for some people and if it happens, it happens and it's a blessing. All you can do is ask your BMs to be in your wedding because of your relationship with them. From there, if she's 9 months pregnant and feels she can't be in your wedding, she'll say no, or she'll try to continue her BM duties and continue to be in your wedding.

You can only control so much about your wedding. The people in it, not so much.

USER876 · February 2010

Are you the one z100 phone tapped who had a fit when they told her one of her BM's was getting implants the week before the wedding because the eyes wouldn't be on you?

Karma01 · February 2010

You can't really tell anyone to not become pregnant due to your wedding.
Jaime is right when it happens it happens. It is different for everyone.
How would your bm react if you told her this?

gibribuz · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:cdc18d81-8d4e-467a-80ec-7221559be7e6">Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]When these girls were getting married I was expected to rearrange my entire schedule for them, but now that they are married they seem to have forgotten that.
Posted by LuckyBrideToBe0013[/QUOTE]

What did they ask you to do? Unless it was something completely life altering (like asking you to drop out of school to perform your MOH or BM duties) then I don't think it would be very considerate of you to ask them to hold off on having children just for your wedding.

Kvarrone · February 2010

I had 3 pregnant BM's... and I agree with Mbcdefg.

jtheiss · February 2010

Wow. You ask people to part of your wedding party because they are special people in your lives. If you care about them enough to ask them it shouldn't matter if they are tall or short, fat or thin, covered in tattoos, pierced all over, OR nine months pregnant. If you care about her enough to want her in the wedding, you would think she looks beautiful pregant or not and would want her to be part of your day pregnant or not and you would be understanding of the fact that she might have a few distractions in her life at the moment and cut her some slack. You are being rude and selfish and if anyone on this board says that your concerns are understandable then they are rude and selfish too. Don't hold your breath waiting for that one person to tell you they would feel the same way so that you can feel justified treating people you care about like crap.

ffbride_0813 · February 2010

My BMs would never have the audacity to get pregnant before my wedding. They know its my special day and I dont want anyone distracted off of me because they are 9 months pregnant. LOL!!!

Truthfully you need to not worry about this. If your BMs do happen to be blessed with a child then you should be happy for them. And its perfectly acceptable not to have children at your wedding if one should happen to pop out before then. I dont think its acceptable to say they cant get pregnant before your wedding.

melissa82 · February 2010

You realize getting pregnant doesn't just happen exactly when people want it to right? Some people try for months and years to have children. I would not worry about this now. You're putting the cart before the horse. Ask the girls you want to ask, and if they end up getting prego and due around the time of your wedding, then talk with them to see if they still want to/will be comfortable enough to be a BM.

LuckyBrideToBe0013 · February 2010

OK I said in my post that I AM NOT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. This is just how I feel. I am venting and asking what you think of the actual situation, so thank you to those who made actual points. Some of you are making it more dramatic than it actually is, and you kind of need to calm down.

I am actually incredibly considerate of people in my life, and I do get hurt when they are not considerate of me. I care about these people and would be happy for them if they had babies. Obviously, some things aren't planned. I just don't think they need to specifically plan it for that month and year.

Maybe when I am trying to have kids I will understand it better. Maybe you can explain it to me. For now, I am someone who has bent over backwards for other people for years and was hoping they would be there for me this time.

caketime · February 2010

Oh please you are not considerate. If you were this would not have crossed your mind enough to actually vent about it.

For your sake I hope they are all pregnant and one goes in to labor just to "steal your show"

DS0305 · February 2010

Wow I guess the word really spread that there wasn't enough drama here.

If I had to revolve my life and when I want to have kids around my friends/family members weddings, I don't think I'd ever be able to have kids. I wouldn't be able to find a 9 month time frame that works for everybody.

My suggestion would be to tell this person that you have decided against having her in your wedding party and give her the reason why. I just wish I could be there to see the reaction.

hollyberry88 · February 2010

What do you do if one of the girls you ask to be in your wedding party ends up getting pregnant? Nothing. You congratulate them, you be happy for them and then you go on planning your wedding. You can not expect people to put their lives on hold (ie...not get pregnant) just because you do not want pregnant bridesmaids in your party. My FSIL will be DUE the day my fi's brother and his fiance get married in a few months. And she is still part of the wedding party. Will she be up dancing all night long? Most likely not. But there is no reason for her not to be part of the wedding just because she is pregnant.

mbcdefg · February 2010

Maybe they just don't like you and want to steal your thunder.

NJMom050911 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:88ac2141-28cf-46a9-9017-53f1d5894173">Re: Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]Obviously, some things aren't planned. I just don't think they need to specifically plan it for that month and year. Maybe when I am trying to have kids I will understand it better. Maybe you can explain it to me. For now, I am someone who has bent over backwards for other people for years and was hoping they would be there for me this time.
Posted by LuckyBrideToBe0013[/QUOTE]

So you said you're not telling people what to do but here you're saying that you don't think they need to plan having a child for that month and year. Did you not read the many responses that mentioned that having a baby is not as easy and planned as you might think? If she happens to get pregnant while she's in your wedding party be happy for her, some people take years to make that happen.

I have 3 people in my wedding party that will be having a baby, I'm getting married 08/28 and one of my bridesmaids is due 07/26....We have two groomsmen whos wives will have their babies 07/20 and 08/26...yes one of them is due 2 days before our wedding. We are aware that we might lose 1, 2 or all 3 due to anything that might come up. Guess what? We are THRILLED that they will have their babies and being a part of our wedding is an after thought.

jtheiss · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:88ac2141-28cf-46a9-9017-53f1d5894173">Re: Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]OK I said in my post that I AM NOT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. This is just how I feel. I am venting and asking what you think of the actual situation, so thank you to those who made actual points. Some of you are making it more dramatic than it actually is, and you kind of need to calm down. I am actually incredibly considerate of people in my life, and I do get hurt when they are not considerate of me. I care about these people and would be happy for them if they had babies. Obviously, some things aren't planned. I just don't think they need to specifically plan it for that month and year. Maybe when I am trying to have kids I will understand it better. Maybe you can explain it to me. For now, I am someone who has bent over backwards for other people for years and was hoping they would be there for me this time.
Posted by LuckyBrideToBe0013[/QUOTE]

First of all, you said in your OP that you wish they would speed it up or slow it down so that they're not pregnant at your wedding. I think we all realize that you're not actually going to ask them to do this, but the fact that it even crossed your mind shows how selfish you are.

Second, BMs should not be expected to bend over backwards for the bride. If you did that in your prior roles at BM that was your choice, and although you might like it if people did the same for you, you can't expect them to do so.

Finally, you seem to assume that just because they're pregnant they will be unable to do any of the traditional BM stuff. Pregnant women are capable of offering support, going dress shopping, and planning parties. You are being awfully presumptuous to assume that just because they MIGHT be pregnant (so far none of them are so I think YOU'RE the one who is over reacting) they won't be able to do a single thing for your wedding. You're the one who needs to get a grip here. I think the rest of us are being very rational.

USER876 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:88ac2141-28cf-46a9-9017-53f1d5894173">Re: Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]OK I said in my post that I AM NOT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. This is just how I feel. I am venting and asking what you think of the actual situation, so thank you to those who made actual points. Some of you are making it more dramatic than it actually is, and you kind of need to calm down. I am actually incredibly considerate of people in my life, and I do get hurt when they are not considerate of me. I care about these people and would be happy for them if they had babies. Obviously, some things aren't planned. I just don't think they need to specifically plan it for that month and year. Maybe when I am trying to have kids I will understand it better. Maybe you can explain it to me. For now, I am someone who has bent over backwards for other people for years and was hoping they would be there for me this time.
Posted by LuckyBrideToBe0013[/QUOTE]

The world as seen by LUCKYBRIDE

LuckyBride: Will you be in my wedding? I'd love to have you be part of it.

BM: Of course I will, I'd def be there for you on your special day

6 months later......

BM: I have a confession to make, I am preggers. I am so sorry I am going to ruin your special day because I will stick out like a sore thumb in my dress and take away all the attention from you when everyone asks me about my baby.

LuckyBride: Well you know what this means, I can't have you in the wedding. You will also have to suck up the deposit on the dress you made.

BM: I am just glad we are still friends, how can I ever make it up to you?

LuckyBride: Just get a really good gift and we'll call it even, by the way Congratulations.......but don't expect me to be happy for you until my wedding is over, till then it's all about ME!

kathymarie · February 2010

I would think that if they are responsible adults, if they cannot handle the duties involved, they will decline.

Their lives do not stop progressing because of your party. What would be an acceptable window? 7 months pregnant? One month post-partum? Not at all within 6 months?

kathymarie · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:728fdcd4-86de-4515-acf4-22f89a4e9fd3">Re: Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant BMs : The world as seen by LUCKYBRIDE LuckyBride: Will you be in my wedding? I'd love to have you be part of it. BM: Of course I will, I'd def be there for you on your special day 6 months later...... BM: I have a confession to make, I am preggers. I am so sorry I am going to ruin your special day because I will stick out like a sore thumb in my dress and take away all the attention from you when everyone asks me about my baby. LuckyBride: Well you know what this means, I can't have you in the wedding. You will also have to suck up the deposit on the dress you made. BM: I am just glad we are still friends, how can I ever make it up to you? LuckyBride: Just get a really good gift and we'll call it even, by the way Congratulations.......but don't expect me to be happy for you until my wedding is over, till then it's all about ME!
Posted by USER876[/QUOTE]

I would buy tickets to this! LOL

DS0305 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:728fdcd4-86de-4515-acf4-22f89a4e9fd3">Re: Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant BMs : The world as seen by LUCKYBRIDE LuckyBride: Will you be in my wedding? I'd love to have you be part of it. BM: Of course I will, I'd def be there for you on your special day 6 months later...... BM: I have a confession to make, I am preggers. I am so sorry I am going to ruin your special day because I will stick out like a sore thumb in my dress and take away all the attention from you when everyone asks me about my baby. LuckyBride: Well you know what this means, I can't have you in the wedding. You will also have to suck up the deposit on the dress you made. BM: I am just glad we are still friends, how can I ever make it up to you? LuckyBride : Just get a really good gift and we'll call it even, by the way Congratulations.......but don't expect me to be happy for you until my wedding is over, till then it's all about ME!
Posted by USER876[/QUOTE]

Haha...That's exactly the reaction I figured her friend would have.

cher1980 · February 2010

oh dear,this is not good!

When those lil babies are born after (or ON) your wedding day, you will love them and say to them "look sweetie! you were in my wedding too!" And they will have the biggest smile on their lil faces!

What you should REALLy focus on, is that you will have all these "special" people there with you on your wedding day, including your FI. Many of us on here had and still go through challenges with our FI/DHs. Some had cancer scares during their engagement, some even went thru and still going thru chemo, some have lost many special people in their lives....so please be greatful that you will be marrying the man of your dreams and that you are FORTUNATE to have these special people surround you on your wedding day...

If all my bridesmaids were pregnant with twins the day of my wedding, I would have been thrilled and privelaged to still have them stand by me....

AlmostLoCo · February 2010

Wow, just.... wow. Considering that I have several friends who are/have gone through fertility treatment, some for years, I cannot believe what I'm reading. If any one of them got pregnant I would be thrilled even if they were due the day of my wedding.

In fact, one of my close friends in my bridal party actually underwent an IVF treatment almost exactly 9 months before my wedding. We joked about what would happen if it worked, and we both agreed that it was a problem we'd love to have (sadly, it didn't work).

jtheiss · February 2010

And you said this:

" I want to seriously discuss this with my close FBM when I ask her to be in the party -- just tell her I would prefer if she could plan to not be popping on the alter."

So in fact, you DO want to tell people what to do. If I were your friend and you said this to me, I would decline to be in the wedding and might even find something better to do that day.

akmackay · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_pregnant-bms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:512a1429-f3d8-46ca-ac6b-2ebbb12445daPost:88ac2141-28cf-46a9-9017-53f1d5894173">Re: Pregnant BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]OK I said in my post that I AM NOT TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. This is just how I feel. I am venting and asking what you think of the actual situation, so thank you to those who made actual points. Some of you are making it more dramatic than it actually is, and you kind of need to calm down. Posted by LuckyBrideToBe0013[/QUOTE]

Really? WE need to calm down? You are the one who came on here asking if anyone else has the same concerns... your answer is no. If they get pregnant and feel like they can't be part of your day anymore, they will tell you. Here's a question for you... what if YOU get pregnant? Are you going to ban yourself from the wedding?

Eversgerd6030 · February 2010

I know how you feel I am getting married in Sept. and 2/6 BMs of mine are pregnant. 1 is due 2 days before my wedding and the other is due 2 weeks before my wedding. But I had already asked them to be in the wedding before they had gotten prego. My FI and I have been engaged for 2 years and they chose know to get prego! but it happens and Im happy for them no doubt but i def. know how you feel. Its hard to work around getting dresses for bms who are expecting. but if you chose to have prego bms make sure the person working with you for dresses is good at guessing about how big they may be at the wedding and get the right size measured.
I wouldnt change my bp for nothing all though one of the girls may not be there to see me get married since shell be enjoying her new baby. But i love all my girls and im glad that they have agreed to share one of the most special days of my life.

VanessaB24 · February 2010

HAha! USER i heard that phone tap it was great...

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