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Wedding Etiquette Forum

to tell or not to tell

For some legal reasons that do not need to be brought up, my husband and I wed legally last January (almost 1 year!).  No, I wasn't pregnant. Everyone knew we were already engaged, but only our moms and a couple very close friends know that we are technically married now. We didn't want to tell many others because we just figured that what's the difference since we're going to still have a bigger ceremony anyway. I mean I have a dress and everything (purchased before the legal union).  Only problem is that now I'm starting to see that it's going to be hard to keep up the pretense that this is the wedding.  If I do it in the church, then it's officially a "convalidation," and I won't feel right lying to people in the church, plus I don't think the priest is going to go for that either.  Second, what am I going to put on the invitations and what if someone who has had too much wine spills the beans at the reception?? AH! I'm stressing because I want to start planning (for June 2012) and I'm starting to think I should just tell people so it can be stress free, but I'm terrified of what my Dad will say and if my grandma will think I'm a lier. What should I do? Tell? And if so, how? I'm not good at this stuff.
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Re: to tell or not to tell

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:eb36d993-ac37-43e0-8100-1c5be1535382">to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]For some legal reasons that do not need to be brought up, my husband and I wed legally last January (almost 1 year!).  No, I wasn't pregnant. Everyone knew we were already engaged, but only our moms and a couple very close friends know that we are technically married now. We didn't want to tell many others because we just figured that what's the difference since we're going to still have a bigger ceremony anyway. I mean I have a dress and everything (purchased before the legal union).  Only problem is that now I'm starting to see that it's going to be hard to keep up the pretense that this is the wedding.  If I do it in the church, then it's officially a "convalidation," and I won't feel right lying to people in the church, plus I don't think the priest is going to go for that either.  Second, what am I going to put on the invitations and what if someone who has had too much wine spills the beans at the reception?? AH! I'm stressing because I want to start planning (for June 2012) and I'm starting to think I should just tell people so it can be stress free, but I'm terrified of what my Dad will say and if my grandma will think I'm a lier. What should I do? Tell? And if so, how? I'm not good at this stuff.
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, I'm not answering this.

    Go read the "when to give parents gifts" threads. It should give you a good idea.
  • See the thread from earlier today about "when to give parents their gifts".

    Tell people you're married already, end. of. story.  Otherwise, you're gonna hurt some feelings.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Waiting to meet the baby broccoli on 5/5/2013!
  • Don't lie.  Your family members and close friends are probably already going to be upset with you that you've been lying for almost a year, and if they find out that the "wedding" they attended, got excited about, and probably brought a gift to wasn't the real wedding, they will be less than pleased. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:eb36d993-ac37-43e0-8100-1c5be1535382">to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]For some legal reasons that do not need to be brought up, my husband and I wed legally last January (almost 1 year!).  No, I wasn't pregnant. Everyone knew we were already engaged, but only our moms and a couple very close friends know that we are technically married now. We didn't want to tell many others because we just figured that what's the difference since we're going to still have a bigger ceremony anyway. I mean I have a dress and everything (purchased before the legal union).  Only problem is that now I'm starting to see that it's going to be hard to keep up the pretense that this is the wedding.  If I do it in the church, then it's officially a "convalidation," and I won't feel right lying to people in the church, plus I don't think the priest is going to go for that either.  Second, what am I going to put on the invitations and what if someone who has had too much wine spills the beans at the reception?? AH! I'm stressing because I want to start planning (for June 2012) and I'm starting to think I should just tell people so it can be stress free, but I'm terrified of what my Dad will say and if my grandma will think I'm a lier. What should I do? Tell? And if so, how? I'm not good at this stuff.
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]


    I'll save myself the finger energy and just say............































    LIAR.  That's not true Jack................you're a liar.  (I figure a movie quote is more fun).  Don't lie, I think you're fake too.
  • "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • It's spelled liar, not lier. And if you're not telling the truth, guess what? 
  • Liars go to hell.



    It's in the Bible.
  • SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.....................I'm siggy quoted.  Manda just made my day. 
  • Seriously, tell people. If they are upset apologize for keeping it from them for so long.
  • Wow, you guys are harsh. I get it. It's hard when your family isn't the easiest to deal with though.  Maybe I should just sell the dress?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:2d0219d6-f7d9-4e76-bf6a-a361d79dcd76">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.....................I'm siggy quoted.  Manda just made my day. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]<div>
    <div>I was wondering when you'd notice!!

    </div></div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:58b03435-12bf-4bdd-b743-9f13e0c2ffe0">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, you guys are harsh. I get it. It's hard when your family isn't the easiest to deal with though.  Maybe I should just sell the dress?
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    Yes.  Because we were so concerned about the dress. 

    We're concerned about the lying part. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:eb36d993-ac37-43e0-8100-1c5be1535382">to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]For some legal reasons that do not need to be brought up, my husband and I wed legally last January (almost 1 year!).  No, I wasn't pregnant. Everyone knew we were already engaged, but only our moms and a couple very close friends know that we are technically married now. We didn't want to tell many others because we just figured that what's the difference since we're going to still have a bigger ceremony anyway. I mean I have a dress and everything (purchased before the legal union).  Only problem is that now I'm starting to see that it's going to be hard to keep up the pretense that this is the wedding.  If I do it in the church, then it's officially a "convalidation," and I won't feel right lying to people in the church, plus I don't think the priest is going to go for that either.  Second, what am I going to put on the invitations and what if someone who has had too much wine spills the beans at the reception?? AH! I'm stressing because I want to start planning (for June 2012) and I'm starting to think I should just tell people so it can be stress free, but I'm terrified of what my Dad will say and if my <strong>grandma will think I'm a lier</strong>. What should I do? Tell? And if so, how? I'm not good at this stuff.
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    Call a spade a spade.

    Either come out and tell everyone it's a vow renewal or cancel the whole thing and tell them why.  Either way, you need to tell.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • edited December 2010
    So... what exactly is the "bigger ceremony" for? ARE you having a convalidation? How many people are you inviting here? Because I don't think the Catholic Church looks fondly on big WPs and 250 person guest lists at convalidations.

    Also, who is paying for the second shindig? I hope it's not your dad.
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  • We get called harsh a lot. Do you guys think we can get the board name changed to Harsh Etiquette? 
  • you should just stop lying - selling your dress would be a good idea financially though.  Happy almost anniversary!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:58b03435-12bf-4bdd-b743-9f13e0c2ffe0">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, you guys are harsh. I get it. It's hard when your family isn't the easiest to deal with though.  Maybe I should just sell the dress?
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    It's just because this is the second time someone has asked this today.  People get testy about it.  :)

    Personally, I think having a religious ceremony is fine, just don't keep the real wedding a secret from your guests.  You can call it a Vow Renewal or a blessing if you want.
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  • I love being married to my DH.  I can't imagine lying about our union over 2 years.  It just so dumb and immature.    Be an adult and stop lying to your family and friends.  Or should I say stop lying to some of your family and friend as you have already spilled the beans to some of them.

      Acutally I think that would piss me off more, that it was okay to tell mom but not dad.  Some friends know, others don't.   It's just odd to me.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:58b03435-12bf-4bdd-b743-9f13e0c2ffe0">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, you guys are harsh. I get it. It's hard when your family isn't the easiest to deal with though.  Maybe I should just sell the dress?
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure how selling the dress will solve anything...please explain.

    I know you said you had 'legal reasons' you didn't want to get into, but why hide that you were married in the first place? I'm not trying to be snarky; I'm honestly curious, because I truly just can't understand why people don't want to tell others that they got married. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:e22bf947-10e7-49d8-b025-796fdcab70e7">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]We get called harsh a lot. Do you guys think we can get the board name changed to Harsh Etiquette? 
    Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

    How about "Reality Check"?
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Waiting to meet the baby broccoli on 5/5/2013!
  • BAHAHAHA!!  You'd think that more of these Catholic brides would have that "Catholic guilt" thing. 

    IT'S OKAY IF I LIE BECAUSE GOD LOVES ME MORE.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:e568c4f3-4991-4332-ba4a-82f69d554da4">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: to tell or not to tell : How about "Reality Check"?
    Posted by doctabroccoli[/QUOTE]

    But then no one would come play :(
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:58b03435-12bf-4bdd-b743-9f13e0c2ffe0">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, you guys are harsh. I get it. It's hard when your family isn't the easiest to deal with though.  Maybe I should just sell the dress?
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    Actual question: are you only having this second "wedding" so you can wear the dress?
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  • It's just that my Dad brings me down any time I'm happy and capable of something. When I told him I was engaged he didn't take me seriously and now proceeds to bitch about how my cousin is making all these mistakes by getting married "because marriage is a pointless legal contract and when it's over the state will just tell you that you have no rights etc..."   I just don't want to hear it. If he feels like I'm letting him be in more control  then he won't torture me verbally about how stupid I am (in general) and so on...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:dcba3d09-2373-487e-aa26-4443bb3253eb">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: to tell or not to tell : But then no one would come play :(
    Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

    This is true.  I guess no one would play if we posted a disclaimer either.  Like "We're really nice people, we really are.  But if you come on here with an exceedingly terrible idea, be warned that we may or may not jump down your throat."
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Waiting to meet the baby broccoli on 5/5/2013!
  • wow so your parents are NOT married then right?  I bet he's going to be really pissed that you let your mom with you and not him.  Girl you need to tell him - and tell him now.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:31bf1919-2c9c-40b4-9cbf-e7de9977d112">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's just that my Dad brings me down any time I'm happy and capable of something. When I told him I was engaged he didn't take me seriously and now proceeds to bitch about how my cousin is making all these mistakes by getting married "because marriage is a pointless legal contract and when it's over the state will just tell you that you have no rights etc..."   I just don't want to hear it. If he feels like I'm letting him be in more control  then he won't torture me verbally about how stupid I am (in general) and so on...
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    Ok, so you didn't answer my question.  Are you doing this so your dad can control parts of the wedding? So is your dad paying the "wedding" and doesn't know you're already married?  I still don't understand.
  • Sounds like you're "fudging" this story to me...

    Oh, I slay myself.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-not-tell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531b9f9e-a044-4297-bb83-c6f43b2f1996Post:58b03435-12bf-4bdd-b743-9f13e0c2ffe0">Re: to tell or not to tell</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, you guys are harsh. I get it. It's hard when your family isn't the easiest to deal with though.  Maybe I should just sell the dress?
    Posted by fudgey[/QUOTE]

    <div>We aren't being harsh, you posted a question on the etiquette that basically asked if it was okay to be lying to your guests. Seriously, who is being harsh? The ladies on the board for calling you out on it, or you for lying to all of your friends and family and conning them to take time out of their lives to attend a fake wedding? You are already married. If you are adult enough to be married, you are adult enough to accept the consequences for your actions. You get one wedding, if you decided to get married in a courthouse, that was your choice, you can't have a make-up wedding years after your legal wedding. At best, you can have a vow renewal. Vow renewals are much lower key than a wedding, you don't wear a white dress, you don't have a wedding party, you don't expect presents, and you don't express guests to put as much priority on going because it's not a once in a lifetime celebration. </div><div>
    </div><div>
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