Fiances parents not involved....

hbarbers · February 2012

So my fiance and I are VERY close to my parents. We never speak to my fiances father and very rarely to his mother. She never offers to visit and rarely calls to say "hello". My parents are paying for mostly the entire wedding and I would really like it if his mom or dad would offer to help. He says that they won't even ask but I just wish there would be a way. My parents do everything for us and I just wish his would contribute. They were never even there for him his whole life even physically or emotionally, let alone financially. It just hurts me sometimes.

redheadfsu · February 2012

Just invite her to meetings & talk about the wedding whenever you see her. Why don't you two go visit her? Maybe she doesn't want to be a pushy FMIL. Or maybe she doesn't like wedding planning (some people just dislike weddings). Go out to lunch or get a mani/pedi with her to bond. Just try to build a better relationship with FMIL.

But you can not ask for help for the wedding (financial or jobs). It is great that your parents are helping, but helping isn't a requirement. No one owes you anything, it is only the two people getting married's responsibility.

rlavach · February 2012

I feel ya. My parents are very involved and have contributed a significant amount of $. We spend time with them often. My FI's parents live thousands of miles away and haven't contributed a dime. It's a shame that they can't be/don't want to be more involved, but that's the way it is. Be glad that at least you have your parents.

divinemsbee · February 2012

My parents are helping us out some, and I'll be lucky if my ILs show up. That's just how they are. My family has embraced my FI, they ask about him, they love to see him; I've never been inside FI's parents home. It's sad, but we've both accepted it. We were thinking about getting married where we live now, but we knew that if we did that his parents and brother wouldn't come. Even if we paid for everything.The first time I met his mom (first time, FI and I weren't even discussing marriage) she asked me about what a groom's family is supposed to pay for. I stuttered (because, really?) and said that I think that most brides and grooms now pay for their own things, and she said to me something to the extent of, "Well, don't expect anything from us, we wouldn't put any money into a wedding." I have taken them at their word and judged by their actions. I don't expect anything from them, even them showing up.

It doesn't sound like it's a huge surprise they're not involved, and I think it's a bit silly for you to say that they've never really been in his life in any way and suddenly they might want to contribute to the wedding. Why on earth would you think they would? Of course it hurts you that they don't seem to show love to the man you're going to marry, but just keep repeating that it's their problem, not yours.

zitiqueen · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:0382c161-f94d-417f-9a89-f4be8a56733b">Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I are VERY close to my parents. We never speak to my fiances father and very rarely to his mother. <strong>She never offers to visit and rarely calls to say "hello".</strong> My parents are paying for mostly the entire wedding and I would really like it if his mom or dad would offer to help. He says that they won't even ask but I just wish there would be a way. My parents do everything for us and I just wish his would contribute. They were never even there for him his whole life even physically or emotionally, let alone financially. It just hurts me sometimes.
Posted by hbarbers[/QUOTE]

Do you ever offer to visit her or call just to say hello?

TiffannieF · February 2012

I wished that somebody would have paid for our entire wedding....but it didn't happen nor was I going to ask. I think its ok to be disappointed with his parents, but not because they won't pay for your one day but because they are not involved in his life.

I would try to focus on establishing a relationship with them more than anything, especially since this will be your family soon! ;o)

TiffannieF · February 2012

wth...where did my post go?! Maybe it will show up in a couple hours...

toothpastechica · February 2012

Its ok to feel hurt..and to vent about, its not ok to expect them to participate in any way. Its your wedding, and as nice as it when both families are involved, familys are wierd creatures and family dynamics tend to become more pronounced during wedding planning. Its not the time to try and push them to be move involved, invite them to the wedding and pre-wedding events,and work on your relationship with them (maybe you call them or invite them to dinner instead ot waiting for them to call you!) ...however if you come across as whiny or pushing or asking for money or support from them when your doing your wedding planning (not saying you are but they may percieve any discussion around what they are or are not doing as these) chances are they will push away further, not be more excited to help or get to know you better.

melntaitt · February 2012

I understand and it's frustrating when it's obvious one family is more involved than the other; like PP said, try to get to know them better without the wedding and financial aspects mixed in.

It's very unfortunate that they aren't in his life and it would be nice if your wedding was an opportunity to bring them together - asking them for money might not foster goodwill though.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

Thats a shame that they aren't there for either of you emotionally. There really isn't anything you can do about them not helping out with the wedding though.

ginadog · February 2012

I agree, that you cannot ask anyone for help financially and it won't make it all better if they still aren't there emotionally.

I have a similar situation. My parents - although I talk to them weekly - are not involved with the wedding on any level. They do not talk about the wedding, they do not ask me questions, they most likely will not be there (my dad is ill), but I already knew long before this that they just do care for weddings at all. They are just going to be guests like FI's friends from high school.

I learned a LONG time ago that I really just need to take care of things myself and not expect anyone else to care as much as I do about my own life. It makes you a strong independent person, I hope your FI can look at his life that way.

A chunk of money is not going to make up for anything.

vgyurko · February 2012

My family isn't contributing at all... we're students and having to pay for the whole wedding ourselves... it sucks but if we want to get married we have to have something we can afford ourselves... does my family have money... yes... but they didn't offer to pay for anything nor do they even discuss the wedding or planning with me... so just take care of it yourself and don't expect them to contribute... they don't have to nor do they have to attend (not even sure my mother will attend the wedding)...

Squishy'sGal · February 2012

First of all it doesn't sound like OP is saying she's gonna ask them for money and from her post I get the feeling that no matter how much they try to get close to his parents, they have no desire to be a part of their son's life. I think she's just telling us how it hurts to see her FI hurting over this.

Now to OP, this is just something you are gonna have to deal with. They don't want to be a part of your life, that's their prerogative. Send them a wedding invite and hope they show up. If you get a shower, send FMIL an invite but expect nothing from her.

Then be thankful that your parents are so wonderful and get on with your lives. They don't want you and you don't need them. Your FI should be used to it by now and this is just one of those things you have to get past. It's sad and hurtful and I don't mean to sound cold but that's life and sometimes it's unfair. They sound toxic and would just bring you down with them if you waste your time with them. Let them come to you and you and your FI can decide then what to do with them.

mandi921vh · February 2012

You can't ask them for money, but you could keep them in the loop by telling them about vendors you have booked, and maybe ask FMIL if she wants to go dress shopping or to a fitting with you.

melb2013 · February 2012

Geez... I don't think OP was saying that she was going to ask for money... I don't think she wants FI's parents to pay for their wedding... Calm down everyone.

Squishy'sGal · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:d9c05f97-7b51-4ecb-b19e-f36a865a73dd">Re: Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]Geez... I don't think OP was saying that she was going to ask for money... I don't think she wants FI's parents to pay for their wedding... Calm down everyone.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

<div>That's what I said...it sounds like she's just sad that his parents have never supported him or been there for him and that's gotta hurt.</div>

melb2013 · February 2012

Squishy'sGal: Yes, that is what you said. I meant "eveyone" loosely

redheadfsu · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:d9c05f97-7b51-4ecb-b19e-f36a865a73dd">Re: Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]Geez... I don't think OP was saying that she was going to ask for money... I don't think she wants FI's parents to pay for their wedding... Calm down everyone.
Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:0382c161-f94d-417f-9a89-f4be8a56733b">Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are paying for mostly the entire wedding and I would really like it if his mom or dad would offer to help. Posted by hbarbers[/QUOTE]

She might not have actually said she would ask, but she does want FI's parents to "help." The only way one can help is to provide money or doing jobs. Not all posters know asking for help is wrong. So we tell them to prevent making a huge mistake.

ElleB87 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:e3eed317-df6c-43d4-99eb-e5156aab879a">Re: Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am trying not to make this sound ugly, because, believe me, it's not meant that way. The fact that parents don't give money to a child's wedding doesn't mean that they're not interested or unsupportive. Their responsibility ended when the child turned 18, and some parents don't feel that they should be expected to pay for the son or daughter's wedding. It's unreasonable to expect it in this economy, when so many older folks face the possibility of never being able to retire. Money doesn't = love or interest in your lives.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I second all of this

deegoings · February 2012

I totally laughed when I read this (no offense)... Only because we are in almost the exact situation, but the other way around. My family is unable or unwilling to help with our wedding as well & his parents are at least offering to help if they can.

I did make the mistake of asking my family if they wanted to request anything, plan anything, see anything, or contribute anything, if at all. It turned out pretty badly! I was told that it seemed like we were asking for a hand out, even though we could afford it (not easily, but we are working hard & budgeting to no avail). Some terrible things were said and it brought me to the point that I finally realized that it's no longer their business. If they are interested, they will ask. If they don't ask, I won't discuss it with them.

I have never asked anyone for anything in my life & even though I should have known better (like your fiance probably does), I still felt the urge to at least ask. It really wasn't worth it. I did apologize profusely & I still feel like an ass for even assuming that anyone would be "honored" that we were trying to include them in our wedding. We weren't really looking for any type of financial contribution, but just simple requests that would make them feel part of it. I understand how you feel completely because I wanted what you want. And I understand how he feels because I'm the one in his position. So, I'll say for the sake of feelings- it's just better to leave it alone. If they want to be a part, they will. Regardless if they do or not, I'm sure your fiance is used to it by now and will enjoy your wedding to it's max! I wish you guys luck & all the happiness in the world!

VegasCalling · February 2012

Wow that is hurtful, and hearing some of the stories in the comments makes me realize how hard some people have it and alone they must feel.

In your case OP, I would just try to focus on the blessings in life, like having amazing parents, and showing as much empathy as possible to the FI. Rehashing the harsh reality over and over in your mind can only bring more misery into the situation.

VegasCalling · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:e3eed317-df6c-43d4-99eb-e5156aab879a">Re: Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am trying not to make this sound ugly, because, believe me, it's not meant that way. The fact that parents don't give money to a child's wedding doesn't mean that they're not interested or unsupportive. Their responsibility ended when the child turned 18, and some parents don't feel that they should be expected to pay for the son or daughter's wedding. It's unreasonable to expect it in this economy, when so many older folks face the possibility of never being able to retire. Money doesn't = love or interest in your lives.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree. I think most children are raised with the idea that parents will help out financially in a wedding someday, and that most parents understand that is one of their responsibilities as parents. Just as most Dads expect they will walk their daughter down the aisle. And if parents do have the money to help out, yet refuse, it's usually an indication of disagreement with the wedding or an indication of disinterest. </div><div>
</div>

Macedo075 · February 2012

Omg! Your post hit home..my fiancé and I are getting married in July....my parents too are completely in our lives and are paying for most of our wedding..I've never even sat and had dinner with his parents...we have a child together and they never call, send a birthday card...I'm in the process of doing our guest list and I'm not sure I even want to invite them! Im so confused when it comes to wording the invites...the mother/son dance.....it's very hurtful..they only live 2 blocks away and I've never been invited to there home. It makes me sad..

redheadfsu · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiances-parents-not-involved?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9902074a-93b1-45cc-b783-495ed6747d9dPost:818e14d4-36d4-471e-82db-758ccec9fcd3">Re: Fiances parents not involved....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiances parents not involved.... : I disagree. I think most children are raised with the idea that parents will help out financially in a wedding someday, and that most parents understand that is one of their responsibilities as parents. Just as most Dads expect they will walk their daughter down the aisle. And if parents do have the money to help out, yet refuse, <strong>it's usually an indication of disagreement with the wedding or an indication of disinterest</strong>.
Posted by VegasCalling[/QUOTE]

Now I think you are just a troll.

BrittanyH5872 · February 2012

I Know how you feel. My finace's mom has had nothing to do with our whole engagement. I wouldn't let it mess up anything. If they don't want to be involved that their lose

funandfreckles · February 2012

I didn't read all of the responses....
But - no one is required to pay for your wedding but you and your fiance. It is incredibly rude to assume someone will pay or contribute, and even more rude to ask. And I don't think you should just incite them to meetings, etc. and see what happens. They know you're getting married, if they want to contribute, they'll offer.

funandfreckles · February 2012

My parents are paying for mostly the entire wedding and I would really like it if his mom or dad would offer to help. He says that they won't even ask but I just wish there would be a way. My parents do everything for us and I just wish his would contribute

To the posters saying it doesn't sound like she wants them to contribute, OP suggests quite the opposite.

Mom6 · February 2012

Wow! The number of replies relating to this...honestly, as a mother of a bride I hope we don't have these issues...we're paying for a portion, recetion And caterer, tent and a home to have the reception at...she and fiancé are Doing wedding invites, save the date, clergy and his parents rehearsal, Dinner . 40-50 close fam and friends...The guest list was hard to keep to That number but so far it's all good

[Deleted User] · February 2012

As a casual passerby I am once again perplexed by the fact that folks think it's absurd to expect the parents to pay for the wedding. I am the ONLY bride in my FI's social circle whose parents can't/ didn't fit the wedding bill. And all the grooms' families (including my FI's) host rehearsals. All the people thinking it's outlandish to expect parents to pay or to be disappointed if they don't continues to surprise me...

funandfreckles · February 2012

Why would it surprise you? Why are your parents (or his parents, or anyone else) suposed to pay for the wedding? Why get engaged if you can't afford to pay for a wedding.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

It's not a matter of the couple being able to afford it (or not) we just happen to know lots of people whose parents host (and pay) as a gift and out of tradition. I don't necessarily think parents are *supposed* to pay, I just find it interesting that so many people seem shocked if a bride assumes the parents would pay or is disappointed if they don't. In many circles the bride's parents hosting the wedding and the groom's hosting the rehearsal is still customary.

Fiances parents not involved....

Re: Fiances parents not involved....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards