Poll : Legally Married?

Anysunrise · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:02921a6b-5d83-47a8-a0e3-6732c3914125">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : So in your opinion are people who choose to only go the JOP route not actually married?
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

I personally don't think I'd really feel married with just that. I'm not trying to invalidate anyone who did JoP it, because obviously they are, but that's my own preference. I think it's a little unfair that I should be expected not to celebrate my own marriage with my friends and family because my FI and I were born in different countries.

stephl3055 · August 2010

There are situations where certain religious ceremonies aren't recognized legally depending on where they are held, so the couple has to visit the JOP either prior to the after the religious ceremony.

Case in point one of my SILs. They were having a Buddhist ceremony and there were no Buddhist temples nearby that were allowed to perform marriage ceremonies that the state would consider legal, so they had the ceremony at a relative's home. They had the reception at a local ballroom afterwards and planned to go to the JOP the following Monday to make it legal.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I really don't care. I used to care about the whole lying to your family and then having a big wedding, but I don't even care about that anymore. I stopped caring about anything WR about 3 months ago. I suck. Of course, I'd probably be pissed if I was on the receiving end of one of those lies.

Also, OP. I didn't see your original sig, but I would probably take it over the Precious Moments thing you've got going on now. Sorry.

betrothed123 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:78ff3ff8-4e95-4cbd-9f0d-c4457bc34898">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : I personally don't think I'd really feel married with just that. I'm not trying to invalidate anyone who did JoP it, because obviously they are, but that's my own preference. I think it's a little unfair that I should be expected not to celebrate my own marriage with my friends and family because my FI and I were born in different countries.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]
No one is telling you you can't celebrate. IMO the only sticking point is what it is called. Have a reception all you want, but if you are already married you're not having a wedding when you do that second ceremony. You just aren't. It's a vow renewal.

In the eyes of the government you are married when you sign that piece of paper. To say that the ceremony in front of all your guests is the real wedding because you don't consider the JOP ceremony to be a real wedding is invalidating every marriage performed by a JOP without a huge party to follow.

MeaghanandMichael · August 2010

What B said.

And, if you are getting married to scam government services that bothers me tons.
Although, I do admit the immigration thing can get so rediculous I can understand how that is very different then scamming on the government.

Anysunrise · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:01513cca-c89f-47ab-a207-3ae519889754">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : No one is telling you you can't celebrate. IMO the only sticking point is what it is called. Have a reception all you want, but if you are already married you're not having a wedding when you do that second ceremony. You just aren't. It's a vow renewal. In the eyes of the government you are married when you sign that piece of paper. To say that the ceremony in front of all your guests is the real wedding because you don't consider the JOP ceremony to be a real wedding is invalidating every marriage performed by a JOP without a huge party to follow.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

I disagree with the last part, but only because I don't believe anyone can invalidate someone else's marriage. My saying I won't consider myself married because I put pen to paper doesn't invalidate anyone who DOES consider themselves married when they do.

Anyways, this is just my opinion, and I obviously don't expect everyone to share it. This is just how the situation seems to be working itself out for us, but who knows, maybe I'll have my visa turned down and he'll have to move here and we'll have time to do it.

Steph0871 · August 2010

Anysunrise- I usually agree with B.... I really disagree when people get "really" married after their already "technically" married. However, you mentioned that all of your guests know about the situation, so that cuts you a break, in my eyes. I just really hate the people who JOP it and don't tell anyone so they can keep the big party and gifts.

redheadfsu · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:6b35d975-ef5d-401c-8c14-1c4f95147be6">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]And while I'm sure it's not a terribly popular opinion here (going by the answers above alone) I consider signing a piece of paper so that the government recognizes your relationship and saying your vows in front of all your loved ones to really not be the same thing. I mean, if it was, why have weddings at all?
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

The immigration process tends to jade people. But...

Personally, I think that marriage is between two people only (and the state) so everyone else is just fluff. Having an Aunt-I-never-see watch me say my vows makes it more meaningful? Personally, I think the opposite. But I'm a very private person so I'm in the minority.

MVJP10 · August 2010

This issue came up on the Vegas board about a week ago. The chick got pregnant and went to get married in CA because she needed insurance. Fine ok whatever yes mom and baby need insurance. But then the planned wedding is next month in Vegas and they won't tell anyone they are already married but say that no one will really care if they are married anyway, and the wedding in Vegas will feel like the "real" wedding. To play devil's advocate I understand that a little about "feeling". But if no one cares then why not just tell them? She said she still had to get a Nevada marriage license which also doesn't add up. A good point was brought up about the officiant not going along with the scam.

*BeachBride0410* · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:3b9fd4a9-03e4-41ed-be76-c956c0335fcc">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : We did too, I was just surprised that we didn't have to sign the one the day of as well.
Posted by qwerty777[/QUOTE]

Oh well the paper we signed at the county clerks office, we took with us & everyone signed the day of the wedding.

Blueyed228 · August 2010

I still side-eye the immigration reason.

SarahPLiz · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:9453a931-6857-4117-a106-722be731ef6c">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is insurance and taxes THE reason to get married quickly? These things always come up as an excuse and I can see how they are important - but really? You are making a life long commitment based on this?? To me that doesn't make you an asshole, it just makes you dumb.
Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

<div>Meh, its not for a lifetime anymore either, just until its no longer convenient for one or more parties. </div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

I've never been to a vow renewal. At the wedding I went to on Saturday, we all went to cocktail hour while the bride and groom filled out and signed their certifucate (both legally and for their religion).

Personally, we're not getting married for religious reasons, just social and legal ones, so getting married before the "wedding" would make my wedding day feel fake and hollow to me.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:623a4d27-1aa1-4f6d-ac71-b2f251504a33">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : I was also kind of surprised the bride and groom weren't supposed to sign the marriage license. For all they know we weren't even there and the officiant just found two random people to sign as witnesses...
Posted by qwerty777[/QUOTE]

We don't even have to have witnesses sign it. But I think we have to sign it ourselves.

Blueyed228 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:f3f6dd9d-3aa5-4cbc-8373-30c996f724de">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : It is hard in the US particularly. I sponsored FI in New Zealand to get his work visa because I have permanent residency there, and he could do the same for me now in Canada. However I know it is not so easy to do the same in the USA. not everyone does it just for a green card/permanent residency. Some of us just want to be together and marriage is one way of allowing people to do that. It's not an easy fix, the process is long and drawn out, occasionally with an intrusive investigation into your relationship and your life. Just saying...
Posted by rhonwynv[/QUOTE]

I still side-eye JOP'ng it and having your "real wedding" later for immigration purposes.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:8c2501a0-ed91-4bbd-b08f-2142632ac52c">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : This for sure. I've never been to this type of vow renewal (that I know of). I'm traditional too that you get one wedding per marriage. I love the idea that in 30 years FI and I may throw a large party to renew our vows or something......but I certainly wouldn't call it a wedding. You have one day to get married. If you chose to JOP it because of convenience that's your business......but then don't go throw a huge party.
Posted by aprovencher21[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. If you want to get married sooner rather than later for whatever reason, that's your perogative. But IMO you give up the big fancy party, the shower, the bachelorette, the first dance, the ball gown, etc. Decide what's more important to you. You're an adult, adults have to make tough choices.

All weddings are AWish in certain ways, but at least when you get down to brass tacks, you're legally and possibly religiously joined at the end of the day. If there's no such purpose to your "wedding" it's just selfish, IMO.

I do give more of a pass to immigration, depending on how you want to do it. But I will say I know someone who married a non-American in July and they planned the whole wedding in a couple of months. They even had people fly in from OOT for it.

Blueyed228 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:4d56640d-381d-4a2f-8d60-d0fde75c5d94">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : But I will say I know someone who married a non-American in July and they planned the whole wedding in a couple of months. They even had people fly in from OOT for it.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

This is my point. It can be done. Its just that most people dont want to have to plan it in a few months.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:2f1369bb-369d-46bd-8a7d-646abad839f7">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : This is my point. It can be done. Its just that most people dont want to have to plan it in a few months.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

You definitely give up things, like your first choice of venue. Or the ability to plan something extremely elaborate, yet inexpensive, non-stressfully. But like I said, yeah. We're grown-ups. You compromise a lot in life. Tough cookies.

megandjay · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:ae616778-4190-413b-8819-4b09f1b1955d">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've only ever been to one vow renewal and I wasn't diggin' it. I was disappointed, though, because our marriage license didn't require that DH or I signed it, just the officiant. Boo!! I was looking forward to that!
Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]

Ditto. We only had to sign the application. When the license was ready, it just had to be signed by the priest and mailed in.

aplatanada · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_poll-legally-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5a0a41c6-1090-487a-ae00-0b40fc6a92b5Post:07a956dc-0026-4227-b58b-ee6fb14f6d5f">Re: Poll : Legally Married?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Poll : Legally Married? : I still side-eye JOP'ng it and having your "real wedding" later for immigration purposes.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>If it's a matter of denying publicly that you are married after the JOP, then yes, agreed. </div><div>
<div>But if it's like the situation I (and it seems anysunrise) are in, trying for a fiance visa, then I have to disagree. We just didn't have the luxury of deciding to do our JOP and religious/family celebration at the same time. </div><div>
</div><div>Imagine having to go before some bureaucrat you've never met before and having to convince them that you and your FI are really and truly in love and deserve to get married in the US. (Or, if you are married in another country, that it is not a sham marriage and you deserve to live with your husband in the US.) Then imagine not knowing when you can actually start planning because that bureaucrat might mistype FI's address on some form, and correcting it will delay the visa for another 6 weeks. (This happened to us.)</div><div>
</div><div>And then the guests logistics- forget friends, we're just talking parents- involve another wait and interview, this time to convince a different bureaucrat that you're just going to see your son get married and you won't jump your visa and stay illegally. Oh, and the timeline for that visa is totally different from the visa FI is trying to get. </div><div>
</div><div>As far as planning goes.. Would you have been willing to put a deposit down on your venue without knowing for sure that your FI could actually make it to the wedding? Or if the date fit within a widow that the US government imposed for how long you could have to get married? </div><div>
</div><div>We would have preferred to do both at the same time. But we were kind of crazy in that we a) wanted to obey US law and b) wanted at least his parents to come to our wedding. For us, the only way to achieve both was to do a JOP and have a later celebration with a religious aspect. We don't hide that we did the JOP (hello, immigration might be calling!) and I refer to him as my husband. But it was important for us to have family present, and his family simply couldn't make it for our JOP. </div></div>

Poll : Legally Married?

Re: Poll : Legally Married?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards