My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......

tpyrch · September 2010

So one of my bridesmaids want to leave the reception early to go bathe and put her baby to bed and to breast pump. The baby is 3 months old, and they have a babysitter for that night. Is it really necessary for her to leave to go and do this when they have a sitter? Why can't the sitter just put the baby to bed? The baby can go one night without a bath too! Why doesn't she just brest pump at the restaurant in the bathroom that is private? I can understand if she doesn't want to breast pump in the bathroom but to drive 30 minutes to go home and do it seem ridicilous to me! Please please give me some advice about this!!! TIA

frogurt814 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:0207106b-9244-4002-a995-9d7ca98e1cc4">My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]So one of my bridesmaids want to leave the reception early to go bathe and put her baby to bed and to breast pump. The baby is 3 months old, and they have a babysitter for that night. Is it really necessary for her to leave to go and do this when they have a sitter? Why can't the sitter just put the baby to bed? The baby can go one night without a bath too! Why doesn't she just brest pump at the restaurant in the bathroom that is private? I can understand if she doesn't want to breast pump in the bathroom but to drive 30 minutes to go home and do it seem ridicilous to me! Please please give me some advice about this!!! TIA
Posted by tpyrch[/QUOTE]
Really? Seriously? Why should she have to pump in the bathroom at a restaraunt when she could go home to be comfortable in her own house and pump? You are being ridiculous.

My MOH left my reception way early. She doesn't have a kid. She left because she was tired and had an early morning the next day. I didn't care that she left early. She knows what's best for her. You need to let this go.

kimp67 · September 2010

Maybe she just doesn't want to miss bedtime with her baby.

stina93446 · September 2010

Um, are you for real? I sure hope not.

New mommies MUST breast pump. It starts to hurt after a while with their breasts filled with milk. Breast pumping (although I've never done it) does not sound like something you just want to do at a restaurant in the bathroom. YOU need to get over it. It's ONE person from your guest list, you won't even notice her leaving. And I am sure she feels bad that she will have to leave the party early, but you have no right to really get upset about this.

Breast pump machines are also big from what I've seen. They aren't something you can just fit in a clutch. So she'd have to tote this thing to the bathroom to do this.

banana468 · September 2010

I think you need to let it go.

Remember, your BM's duties are only for the ceremony. The reception is the TY to your guests including the BP and they aren't required to do anything there.

Will you miss her? Yes. If I were in her shoes I'd probably do what I could to stay the entire time too.

BUT, these are HER choices and aside from saying, "Oh you need to leave early? You'll miss the last dance! But I totally understand that you need to be a mommy too," you can't say or do anything. Because 1, it would be out of line to do so and 2, you really don't have the grounds to tell her to do anything differently.

Just let it go and enjoy the reception with her as much as possible.

mkrupar · September 2010

You do not get to dictate when your guests leave. The baby is 3 MONTHS old, only 3 Months, she wants to bathe and put the baby to bed. There is nothing wrong with that. The baby will ALWAYS come first. Her duties are done at the end of the Ceremony. She could just be there for that and not even go to the reception, but she is. What's the most she's going to miss, some dancing? I'm sure she'll still see all the toasts, parent dances, and cake cutting. You need to let this go. When it's time for her to leave, thank her graciously for spending the day to celebrate with you and the new hubby, and let her go. This is NOT the end of the world.

PS: Pumping in a bathroom is not all that comfortable. If I had the option it would be at home. (Not that I have a kid, but know plenty of women that do).

loop0406 · September 2010

Baby comes 1st.

Long as BM shows up to ceremony, takes the pics, she can go when she pleases

lisalou402 · September 2010

You are all assuming that she stated she was leaving early, like 20 minutes early.

My question to the OP is how early did she say she was leaving? Is it a 4pm Ceremony with a 6pm reception and she's leaving at 7pm?

I've been flamed on here before about babies, so i'll be prepared, but I would also be disappointed if my MOH left that early. Now, if she left at 9 and the reception was done at 10, i would be totally fine.

I think there can be a balance between doing what's right for everyone. She does need to pump, and it can take a long time, but can she comfortably do it at the reception place? It's not something you just do in a car.

She also may not have understood what you wanted when she accepted being a MOH during her pregnancy. My MOH is pregnant, and the phrase we keep using is that she has no idea what it's going to be like because this is her first, and she can't be sure of anything in regards to how her life will be after she has the baby.

Every new mom is different---at least that's what I've seen!

Can you talk to her if it's a super early departure and tell her that you wanted her to be with you on your wedding day...or offer to find a good place for her to pump where she's comfortable? (and that means asking her waht that means to her)

mbcdefg · September 2010

I get along fabulously with the girls who were my bridesmaids, and yet I barely said two words to them at my wedding reception. The reason being, I was pulled in a million different directions that day ... talking to the rest of my ~120 guests, trying to get some hors d'oeuvres and dinner before someone else wanted to chat with me, talking to the vendors about the schedule for the night, etc.

You're going to be so busy and overwhelmed (in a good way) on your wedding day that you probably won't even notice if she leaves early. I'm telling you, it's really not that big of a deal. And she probably wouldn't leave early if she could help it, so clearly this is a big deal to her. Like PPs said, pumping is no fun (or so I've heard from my new-mom friends), and dragging along her pump to your wedding and being cramped inside a bathroom stall is probably extremely inconvenient and uncomfortable.

People are going to leave your wedding early. They have lives. There's nothing you can do about this. Whether it's a second cousin or your bridesmaid shouldn't matter. They are both there to have fun ... the bridesmaid doesn't have any special duties at the reception. It's a party, not a prison sentence - people are free to leave whenever they want, and trying to keep them there just for the hell of it (because, again, there's no reason why she absolutely needs to be there the entire time) is just going to make you look like a crazy person.

Just be a gracious friend and don't get upset over this. When she comes to say goodbye for the night, give her a giant hug and thank her for coming. You will be viewed as a reasonable, gracious person who's not a controlling nutjob, and your friend will appreciate you being understanding.

No matter what you decide, keep this in mind ... she will remember this experience if, in the future, YOU need a similar favor. So treat her the way YOU would want to be treated if you were to come to her with the same request.

baystateapple · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:99d3824b-f30e-4ce3-8b02-cce921d1dc68">Re: My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You are all assuming that she stated she was leaving early, like 20 minutes early.</strong> My question to the OP is how early did she say she was leaving? Is it a 4pm Ceremony with a 6pm reception and she's leaving at 7pm? I've been flamed on here before about babies, so i'll be prepared, but <strong>I would also be disappointed if my MOH left that early.</strong> Now, if she left at 9 and the reception was done at 10, i would be totally fine. I think there can be a balance between doing what's right for everyone. She does need to pump, and it can take a long time, but can she comfortably do it at the reception place? It's not something you just do in a car. She also may not have understood what you wanted when she accepted being a MOH during her pregnancy. My MOH is pregnant, and the phrase we keep using is that she has no idea what it's going to be like because this is her first, and she can't be sure of anything in regards to how her life will be after she has the baby. Every new mom is different---at least that's what I've seen! Can you talk to her if it's a super early departure and tell her that you wanted her to be with you on your wedding day...or offer to find a good place for her to pump where she's comfortable? (and that means asking her waht that means to her)
Posted by lisalou402[/QUOTE]

1) I never assumed when the BM would be leaving. It doesn't matter what time she wants to leave; the point is, she is not obligated to stay for any length of time at the reception. Whether she leaves an hour in, or twenty minutes before, that is her right and she shouldn't have to feel guilty about it.

2) I never said that the bride didn't have the right to feel disappointed. Or that being disappointed made her a bridezilla. Of course I would be sad if one of my best friends left early from my wedding. Being disappointed isn't the issue. Throwing a tantrum or trying to find a way to "handle" a BM leaving early to take care of her BABY is the issue.

3) I agree with the end of your post, the part about asking the new mom if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. But the bride also needs to realize that the mom is probably not comfortable leaving her three-month-old for that long, and wants to be able to give the baby a bath and bedtime on her regular schedule. She can ask, but she shouldn't guilt. That's just wrong.

bablingbrooke · September 2010

Really, her life as a new mom has to be put on hold for your precious wedding? Her breasts must stop producing milk for one night? The baby needs to be nursed by someone else?

The WP can leave whenever they want. I envy you--you obviously have no real problems in your life.

ETA: Oh, and my MOH left somewhere between 1 and 3 hours before I did. I found out three days later. I was too busy to notice when the WP (or anyone else) left unless they came up to me and to say good night.

suz62984 · September 2010

Just wait until you have a baby and you will understand. Let her go...once she is at the reception her "job" is over.

1-breast pumping in a bathroom? Those things are loud and it is a little degrading to have to breast pump in a bathroom with others around because your friend throws a tantrum about leaving.
2-This isn't some gerbil she is taking care of. This is her child...her new born child. If she wants to give him a bath and put him to bed it means she is being a good mother. You want her to care less for her baby for your sake?

This post is very "ATTENTION WHORE" ish.

jagore08 · September 2010

Did you really just say the baby can go one night without a bath? You're out of line.

bbyckes · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:d4795e2d-5a5b-4cf7-8a2d-1f293932127d">Re: My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]I get along fabulously with the girls who were my bridesmaids, and yet I barely said two words to them at my wedding reception. The reason being, I was pulled in a million different directions that day ... talking to the rest of my ~120 guests, trying to get some hors d'oeuvres and dinner before someone else wanted to chat with me, talking to the vendors about the schedule for the night, etc. You're going to be so busy and overwhelmed (in a good way) on your wedding day that you probably won't even notice if she leaves early.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div>QFT. Exactly this. </div>

mbcdefg · September 2010

Haha, bbyckes, I just noticed that I never mentioned anything like "spend time with my new husband" anywhere in there. Because I barely got to do THAT, either!

MissDuke2012 · September 2010

You seriously expect her to neglect her baby for your reception? You are way out of line here. Its not like it's a puppy. Its a BABY.

megk8oz · September 2010

Caring for her child trumps being at your wedding. It's not like she's skipping the ceremony or formal pictures, so she's really not in the wrong here.

You do know that other guests are going to leave early, too, right? Would you be this mad if another friend (Not in the WP) was leaving early for the same reason? If not, then please realize how silly it is that you're answer would change just because this girl will be wearing a different dress. If yes, then please get your priorities straight, because really, that's insane.

megk8oz · September 2010

I'd also like to point out that the ONLY person I actually would have "noticed" leaving early would have been DH. My whole WP could have cut out right after reception intros and I probably would have been none the wiser. I love them all dearly, but I also had to balance mingling with100 guests, eating dinner and spending time with my new husband. I didn't exactly have spare moments to do a head count and make sure all of the BMs and GMs stayed until the last dance.

vsgal · September 2010

My MOH left 2 hours after the reception started. Her H had to work at 6:00 am and he was her ride home. I was not disappointed. I was not mad. I was overjoyed she and her H were able to spend the time they could with us. Your wedding is not the most important thing to other people. They have their own lives and their own things going on. You delaying your reception for her to go home would be unheard of, just as her not tending to her 3 month old is. Honestly, I am surprised she is even leaving the baby with a sitter at that age anyway. I would imagine that leaving her 3 month old in the hands of a stranger for a couple of hours is tough enough without you freaking out about her staying.

PeonyPrincesskdd · September 2010

Ugh! You do not need your bridesmaid to be at the wedding for the entire duration of the reception. She only needs to be at the ceremony which is the most important part. Anyone can leave early from the reception. Why do you even care. You won't even notice that she left because you will be too busy dancing and having fun to even care. Seriously. Let her do what she wants. You can't control her. Back off

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

Wow. I really hope that either this is MUD, or that you do some extensive maturing before you have children of your own, because given your demonstrated philosophy on child-rearing, you'd have CPS on you before the kid is teething.

SSaltzman87 · September 2010

You sound incredibly childish, for god's sake she has a freakin baby to take care of!

At 3 months, the baby is still INCREDIBLY dependent on the mom. So what if your BM can't stay for the whole reception!? People have lives outside your wedding, and you should too.

Grow up and get over it.

MairePoppy · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:0207106b-9244-4002-a995-9d7ca98e1cc4">My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]Why doesn't she just brest pump at the restaurant in the bathroom that is private? I can understand if she doesn't want to breast pump in the bathroom but to drive 30 minutes to go home and do it seem ridicilous to me! Please please give me some advice about this!!! TIA
Posted by tpyrch[/QUOTE]

Would you like your dinner to be prepared in the restaurant bathroom?

banana468 · September 2010

And please keep in mind that there are sanitary issues when you set up something like a breast pump and you're dealing with a bathroom.

PeonyPrincesskdd · September 2010

With the OP's wedding being less than a week away, I would think that this would be the LAST thing on her mind. Seriously.

mkrupar · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:db9a464d-8d6e-46ea-ac0c-4013259b1fba">Re: My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]And please keep in mind that there are sanitary issues when you set up something like a breast pump and you're dealing with a bathroom.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Not only that, but does breast milk need to be refrigerated? I have no idea, if so, wouldn't that be hard to do as well?

I forgot the part about letting the baby go for one night without a bath. Ridiculous to even think! I don't know bathing schedules, but if Saturday night is the night for a bath, then baby gets a bath on saturday night. And, if mom wants to be the one to do it, then she gets to do it.

mbcdefg · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:09951bd5-eb47-4c69-a764-40bb2706732b">Re: My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids wants to leave early to....... : Not only that, but does breast milk need to be refrigerated? I have no idea, if so, wouldn't that be hard to do as well?
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Unless she's doing a "pump and dump," which (again, so I've heard from my new-mother friends) can be a HUGE waste of time, energy and the milk.

Especially if her milk is hard to get. Some mothers have a harder time with milk production than others, from my understanding.

Anyway, OP, there's really nothing you can do about this. I think it's natural and normal to feel a little bummed that she can't stay the whole night, but be reasonable and realistic ... you won't "need" her for anything once the reception starts, you will probably be too busy/social to even notice if she leaves early, and it's going to piss her off if you make a big deal about this.

Don't take it personally. It's not a slight against you or a statement about a "boring wedding" if she has to bail out early. It's a party. And she can't stay for the whole party because she has something important to take care of. It's not like she's skipping out on your reception to go see a movie ... and I'm sure you've left parties early quite a few times yourself.

It's really not a big deal. Please don't turn it into one by confronting her about this. Feel bummed for a minute, shake it off and then wish her well.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-wants-leave-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:bb7549ed-6184-4a5c-bc0b-9b876116b3cdPost:e11334a4-aafa-4aa8-8d58-cb1137ac81c1">Re: My bridesmaids wants to leave early to.......</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't take it personally. It's not a slight against you or a statement about a "boring wedding" if she has to bail out early. It's a party. And she can't stay for the whole party because she has something important to take care of. It's not like she's skipping out on your reception to go see a movie ... and I'm sure you've left parties early quite a few times yourself. It's really not a big deal. Please don't turn it into one by confronting her about this. Feel bummed for a minute, shake it off and then wish her well.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
Confession: DH and I left his stepsister's wedding early to see a movie. It was the Rush documentary which was showing for one night only and they're his favorite band, so we stayed through dinner, the toasts, and the spotlight dances, and had to leave right before they cut the cake. (I really wanted to try the cake, but as it was we slid into our seats seconds before the film started.) She never gave any indication of any hard feelings because of that.

lalap69 · September 2010

My advice is to smile and say that you understand and then let it go. Her responsibilities end after the ceremony.

duckie1905 · September 2010

I don't have children but let me tell you, if someone suggested I go pump in a bathroom instead of going home to pump I would not only be offended, I would be grossed out. It is a bathroom and I would probably try to avoid pumping my child's food where people crap unless there were no other options.

If she's made it to the reception she's fulfilled her duties as BM. While it is fine to be disappointed that she must leave early it is best to keep those selfish thoughts to yourself and be happy for her and the new addition to her family.

Her decisions on how to care for her child do not involve you and/or your wedding at all.

MamaSally · September 2010

SarahR11-Very well stated response. Once the bride has a baby, she will understand.

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