Am I missing something?

melmac86 · March 2012

It seems like every other day, some girl - celebrity, non-celebrity, random facebook chick is getting pregnant after being in a new or relatively new relationship. I guess I just don't get it.

I'm probably gonna get my first flame for this, but I'm honestly just confused. Can SO many people really be getting pregnant on accident? Like, it was really just an "oops, didn't plan that one"?? It's 2012. The majority of people are educated on contraception. It's not that hard. You either practice abstinence or you use protection. If you take the pill and you screw them up, you use a condom. If you screw up your pills, use a condom and the condom breaks, you go get plan B. I'm talking about adults here, not the children you see on shows like Teen Mom who aren't mature enough to have sex if they aren't mature enough to handle discussing contraception.

It takes more than one hand to count the number of people that I've heard about recently or know from high school, that are pregnant/got pregnant after a few months of being with their BFs. **TMI** I've been doing the deed for nearly a decade and have had only ONE pregnancy scare, but was responsible enough to do something about it - wasn't on the pill at the time, condom broke, got Plan B.

Maybe I'm just being really ignorant, but I really think sometimes that it wasn't an accident afterall with some of these females.

Example:

Hypothetical female is dating her new hypothetical BF. Hypothetical BF has to move across country for basic training in the hypothetical Army. Girl just can't live without this new guy, but the only way the girl can go with is if they're married. Of course hypothetical BF isn't going to just propose after 3 months of dating so she can move with him. Hypothetically, her coworkers find out a couple months later that she's pregnant and traditional, hypothetical BF marries her right away since she's carrying his baby.

Sorry, but I find that a very convenient coincidence.

Actually, the whole thing that got me thinking about this was I saw an article that Kristin Cavallari is pregnant by Jay Cutler. First they were engaged, then they broke it off, then they were engaged again and she seems BSC anyway.

Am I the only one that thinks that many times these girls are secretly getting pregnant on purpose to create their "let's play house, fairy tale, happily ever after"?

HULU · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:2b7ca387-7e0f-4168-afc3-3565af933440">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are huge differences in the teen mind (through early 20s) and the adult mind.<strong> That whole "it won't happen to me" thing.</strong> It's why there's an argument that teens shouldn't be tried as adults. There are definite differences in decision-making. I know you weren't targeting teens, but they account for a whole lot of the unplanned pregnancies.
Posted by stacym13[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I can't really say I believe there are a TON of women who get pregnant deliberately and act like it's an accident to a) get boyfriends/fiances/husbands to stay or b) have some other ulterior motive. I think of it more along the lines of:</div><div>
</div><div>100 women have sex.</div><div>10 end up pregnant</div><div>1 "accidentally" got pregnant.</div><div>
</div><div>My line of thinking is that too many people have the "it won't happen to me" syndrome. Even though I take my BC religiously, FI and I always, always, ALWAYS use a condom. No ifs, ands, or buts. Even though we're getting married and plan on having a family SOME day, I do not want to think about trying to raise a child anytime soon, and I don't there ever to be a time where I say "I wish I would've been more careful". Granted, if it happens, we'll love that child to death, but as long as we have to power to prevent it, we're going to.</div>

leia1979 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:1226b125-aa76-4f5b-add3-61f48d5c87e6">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't say I agree that the majority of "accidental" pregnancies are actually on purpose, but I will say that a lot of the people I know who are having sex should not be, because they haven't gotten past the discussions of sex that happen at the cafeteria table in 3rd grade about how "you can't get pregnant if you do it standing up!" (which is sad, because most are over 25 and you'd think we'd be past 3rd grade by then.) I also think the occasional lapse in judgment is different from people who constantly make the choice not to use birth control.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]

I knew a girl like this--admittedly, she was only 18. Somehow she thought she wouldn't get pregnant because they only had quickies (her words). I have no idea why she thought that would make a difference.

I haven't known anyone who deliberately got pregnant. I'm sure it does happen--hopefully not too often.

I definitely had some nervous times when I was younger. My first BF was an awful person who 1) could have been accused of statutory rape if I'd just been a few months younger and 2) was old enough to be a lot more responsible about birth control than he was. (Then again, I will forever side-eye people in their late 20s who date high schoolers.) He would make all sorts of excuses as to why he couldn't use a condom. I was eventually able to go on the pill, which wasn't easy since I had no car and still had a pediatrician instead of an adult doctor. You'd think the douchebag could've helped me out.

Anyway, I got a little sidetracked there. After that experience I became super paranoid. These days, I have an IUD and we use a condom 90% of the time. We really don't want any "oops."

elannis · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:dcb65d4a-e68b-44eb-9766-cba3414636b8">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : [QUOTE ]My cousin got pregnant last year. Her life is a mess right now. I know she didn't want to be on the pill "because of the hormones" or some BS, but COME ON. If you're a 22 year old with a GED, part time job, and are only able to take part time classes at community college, then fucking protect yourself. Her mom kicked her out, she lived with my Nana right up until she gave birth, and she's been bouncing around houses ever since. Even her BF's grandmother let her live with her, only to kick her out. What in the fucking fuuck. Also I have a friend from college who got pregnant and only figured out who the father was until right before her daughter was born. So basically. I agree. Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE] This sounds kinda like BF's cousin. (Whom oddly enough, I went to school with). She has some sort of excuse as to why she can't use every single birth control method out there. She has 3 kids and only has custody of 2, and as it is, she tried to give the 3rd one up. When the adoptive parents found out she was using drugs, they backed out. Un her defence, they were prescribed for a legitimate medical condition, and she would get very sick without them, but could harm the baby. And she apparently wasn't abusing them, just using them as prescribed. *TMI* I've been having sex for like 12 years and <strong>have had a few late periods where I thought I might have been pregnant, but since I've always been on some sort of hormonal birth control since I started having sex, and always use condoms (except with one ex BF and current BF, and only after dating for several months, agreeing to be exclusive and getting tested), I wasn't super concerned. All were just late periods...</strong>
Posted by tdwpg1984[/QUOTE]

This has happened to me too. I know I'm protected, but just get a feeling sometimes that things may not be right and need to double check.

I do agree with the "can't happen to me mentality". I am like that with a lot of things, unfortunately.

DanieKA · March 2012

I agree with your general theory melmac. But I also agree that I think the majority of the "oops" pregnancies are the "it won't happen to me" people and the lapses in judgment people as opposed to a conscious, underhanded decision to get pregnant.

But overall, I think you are spot on. I don't think you're on a high horse. I also think it's positively eye-roll worthy when people having sex who disregard birth control or aren't as careful as they should be are shocked when they get pregnant. And this is married or not (barring known medical issues, infertility etc, though I still don't think that's a reason not to protect yourself, especially if you are single. There are a whole host of things to protect against besides unwanted pregnancy). It's like, Duh! You had sex, you didn't use protection, why are you shocked again?

beanbot2002 · March 2012

Let me say that the Bean was the most amazing, rewarding, challenging, and loving 'mistake' I have ever made. I do not put mistake in qoutations to indicate that I ever intentionally got pregnant out of wedlock. It was a lapse of judgement. A lapse that I would not ever change. Not for anything, no matter how many people in the world may think or have thought 'god she is so stupid', 'how is she 21 and didn't know about protection' (I did), etc. etc. Bean is amazing, and I'm better for him.

Swazzle · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:9ab8a2d8-40f2-4cc1-8376-b83b811cb7d2">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with your general theory melmac. But I also agree that I think the majority of the "oops" pregnancies are the "it won't happen to me" people and the lapses in judgment people as opposed to a conscious, underhanded decision to get pregnant. But overall, I think you are spot on. I don't think you're on a high horse. I also think it's positively eye-roll worthy when people having sex who disregard birth control or aren't as careful as they should be are shocked when they get pregnant. And this is married or not (barring known medical issues, infertility etc, though I still don't think that's a reason not to protect yourself, especially if you are single. There are a whole host of things to protect against besides unwanted pregnancy). It's like, Duh! You had sex, you didn't use protection, why are you shocked again?
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with all of this. </div><div>
</div><div>I take BCPs. If I didn't I would be on some other form of BC. If I wasn't then we would use condoms. If something happened to the condom I would go get plan B. There are SO many options out there that for someone to not use anything at all & then get pregnant "by accident", it's just astounding. </div>

xmansmommy2010 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:e23c484c-9bd9-4539-b190-828e3b05bcd8">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me say that the Bean was the most amazing, rewarding, challenging, and loving 'mistake' I have ever made. I do not put mistake in qoutations to indicate that I ever intentionally got pregnant out of wedlock. It was a lapse of judgement. A lapse that I would not ever change. Not for anything, no matter how many people in the world may think or have thought 'god she is so stupid', 'how is she 21 and didn't know about protection' (I did), etc. etc. Bean is amazing, and I'm better for him.
Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

All of this, except I made my "mistake" a few years older. I didn't plan for my son, and my BC went missing (he said his dog ate it. Yes, I'm serious) so I went with condoms, spermicide strips AND sponges to buffer for the couple of weeks it took to convince my insurance that I wasn't trying to stockpile birth control. All of that jazz cost me an arm and a leg...and my childless status. Apparently, I chose the guy with super sperm. Oh well.

I was 29 so I put on my big girl panties (literally), and even heading into the terrible 2's, I wouldn't change a damn thing.

That being said, yes, there are women who get pregnant on purpose. Not all, but I will admit that there are some and I will never understand the logic that goes along with that decision.

melmac86 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:31164eb8-937c-4e91-8011-559dc520fda4">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : I agree with all of this. I take BCPs. If I didn't I would be on some other form of BC. If I wasn't then we would use condoms. If something happened to the condom I would go get plan B. There are SO many options out there that for someone to not use anything at all & then get pregnant "by accident", it's just astounding.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

This was exactly my original thought.

Again, I am by no means saying that every lapse in judgment that turned into an "oops" or "surprise" was done intentionally. Just like in the movie 'Knocked Up' people get caught up in the moment, have a misunderstanding and then end up with a baby on the way. It goes without saying that when new life is created it's a miracle and the child grows up with a purpose in the world and as parents, you would never wish your child away. (Bean, this is obviously true for you and many other women. It's your child and just because it wasn't planned, doesn't mean you would want your life without them).

I've just seen many stories where I really side-eye the honesty of their situations.
Another example:

Girl was dating BF for a little over 5 years and was constantly talking on facebook about how impatient she was about a ring and how they should be engaged, but in between those posts there were the status updates about their fights and blah blah blah. Well, all of a sudden one day she just happens to be pregnant. After 5 years of having sex with the same guy, she just suddenly had a lapse in judgment or a "it won't happen to me" moment? These are the situations I find fishy.

The theories of "it won't happen to me" or believing that certain positions without protection somehow prevent pregnancy are a whole other issue.

melmac86 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:a3377373-a1dc-420e-b12c-43a63b207b65">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : All of this, except I made my "mistake" a few years older. I didn't plan for my son, and my BC went missing (he said his dog ate it. <strong>Yes, I'm serious) so I went with condoms, spermicide strips AND sponges to buffer for the couple of weeks it took to convince my insurance that I wasn't trying to stockpile birth control. All of that jazz cost me an arm and a leg...and my childless status. Apparently, I chose the guy with super sperm. </strong> Oh well. I was 29 so I put on my big girl panties (literally), and even heading into the terrible 2's, I wouldn't change a damn thing. That being said, yes, there are women who get pregnant on purpose. Not all, but I will admit that there are some and I will never understand the logic that goes along with that decision.
Posted by xmansmommy2010[/QUOTE]

After all that protection and still getting pregnant, he obviously had some really persistent and enthusiastic swimmers. I can officially say that I'm a bit worried that some how my BC will now fail me and I'll be needing to borrow the big girl panties.

lunarsongbird · March 2012

But how many lapses of judgements can be followed up with Plan B if you don't want to be pregnant?

I guess after thinking about it further- I wonder how long the average "lapse of judgement" is. Isn't it usually just one night...and you wake up in the morning going, "ffffffuuuuu....."?

The condom has fallen off twice and I've done Plan B twice. ::shrugs::

Now going camping in a remote place...this makes me a tad bit nervous.

DanieKA · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:e23c484c-9bd9-4539-b190-828e3b05bcd8">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me say that the Bean was the most amazing, rewarding, challenging, and loving 'mistake' I have ever made. I do not put mistake in qoutations to indicate that I ever intentionally got pregnant out of wedlock. It was a lapse of judgement. A lapse that I would not ever change. Not for anything, no matter how many people in the world may think or have thought 'god she is so stupid', 'how is she 21 and didn't know about protection' (I did), etc. etc. Bean is amazing, and I'm better for him.
Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

<div>Definitely! I don't think the original post, or anyone here is saying that those children are or stay unwanted or that they weren't the best 'oops' ever. My brother was an oops baby (my parents are hilariously open about this. They got married in January and he was born in July...that math is whack!!! haha! He was NOT a preemie-I, on the other hand, am a "now or never baby." They didn't know if they wanted a second, but my mom was entering her mid 30s and my brother was in double digits age wise, so there were several 'let's do this and stop stalling,' or 'should we stick with our one?' conversations). But he's an amazing son and a pretty awesome big brother. I think a lot of oops babies are lucky to have parents who take responsibility and become amazing, loving, great providers. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't think that makes the original point moot, though. And come to think of it, I kind of feel like the people with momentary lapses in judgement, even in long term relationships fall into the "it won't happen to me" camp as well. If you have the education and the means to be preventative, why wouldn't you? I'm not talking missing a day once every 2 years (not likely to cause an unplanned pregnancy), but being careless, or thoughtless, or having multiple lapses a year.</div>

lunarsongbird · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:e03b62bd-53d6-4c26-9400-ed001074b974">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : I'm not talking missing a day once every 2 years (not likely to cause an unplanned pregnancy), but being careless, or thoughtless, or having multiple lapses a year.
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

Also- one needs to remember that if you are on the pill and you are vomitting quite a bit for some reason or another- this will dramatically increase your chances to getting pregnant.

And I can see how some poeple could forget that some antibiotics can decrease the effectiveness of birth control, even though it's pretty common knowledge now.

melmac86 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:e03b62bd-53d6-4c26-9400-ed001074b974">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : Definitely! I don't think the original post, or anyone here is saying that those children are or stay unwanted or that they weren't the best 'oops' ever. My brother was an oops baby (my parents are hilariously open about this. They got married in January and he was born in July...that math is whack!!! haha! He was NOT a preemie-I, on the other hand, am a "now or never baby." They didn't know if they wanted a second, but my mom was entering her mid 30s and my brother was in double digits age wise, so there were several 'let's do this and stop stalling,' or 'should we stick with our one?' conversations). But he's an amazing son and a pretty awesome big brother. I think a lot of oops babies are lucky to have parents who take responsibility and become amazing, loving, great providers. I don't think that makes the original point moot, though. And come to think of it, I kind of feel like the people with momentary lapses in judgement, even in long term relationships fall into the "it won't happen to me" camp as well. If you have the education and the means to be preventative, why wouldn't you? I'm not talking missing a day once every 2 years (not likely to cause an unplanned pregnancy), but being careless, or thoughtless, or having multiple lapses a year.
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

Yup, all of this. Babies are a gift to be cherished whether or not they were planned. I just don't think that a child should be created with the intention to "fix" a relationship or to fulfill some desire to love and be loved. A baby shouldn't be born with a job.

melmac86 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:fb8be261-e885-416a-b8a3-c4493ab2e6bb">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : Also- one needs to remember that if you are on the pill and you are vomitting quite a bit for some reason or another- this will dramatically increase your chances to getting pregnant. <strong>And I can see how some poeple could forget that some antibiotics can decrease the effectiveness of birth control, even though it's pretty common knowledge now.</strong>
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

Yeah, at least at my pharmacy they make sure to point this out...and at the doctor's office, for that matter.

beanbot2002 · March 2012

Honestly, and you all may judge us for this, Donald and I don't use BC/protection 99.9% of the time. And we're ok with that choice. We've talked about it at length and it is a something we agree on. Are we tracking days and sexing it up on super fertile days in the hopes of getting pregnant? No-on the contrary, we track days and try to be more careful (either by abstaining, or using condoms) on those days. Are we trying to prevent anything from happening should his boys decide to go for a super swim? No. But the thing is, we're ok with the adult choices we are making.

Now, as adults I don't think those getting pregnant should be walking around saying things like "I don't know HOW this happened!!", if they aren't using protection. They know how it happened.

What I'm trying to say is, don't be so quick to judge others. They may be fully aware of the choices they are making. However short the relationship, they may have had that conversation. In the end, you make your choices, and they make theirs. The beauty of it is, for the most part (and especially when it comes to celebrities, random FB girls that you may or may not have a relationship with) you don't have to live with their choices. They do. So let them worry about it.

beanbot2002 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:e0594338-67b0-436f-840a-98ef48b083e7">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : Yup, all of this. Babies are a gift to be cherished whether or not they were planned. I just don't think that a child should be created with the intention to "fix" a relationship or to fulfill some desire to love and be loved. A baby shouldn't be born with a job.
Posted by melmac86[/QUOTE]

I have to add, that I agree 100% with this. That is not fair to a child, ever.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:4c49ef3c-639e-4933-b944-371e4b2bcea7">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, and you all may judge us for this, Donald and I don't use BC/protection 99.9% of the time. And we're ok with that choice. We've talked about it at length and it is a something we agree on. Are we tracking days and sexing it up on super fertile days in the hopes of getting pregnant? No-on the contrary, we track days and try to be more careful (either by abstaining, or using condoms) on those days. Are we trying to prevent anything from happening should his boys decide to go for a super swim? No. But the thing is, we're ok with the adult choices we are making. Now, as adults I don't think those getting pregnant should be walking around saying things like "I don't know HOW this happened!!", if they aren't using protection. They know how it happened. <strong>What I'm trying to say is, don't be so quick to judge others. They may be fully aware of the choices they are making. However short the relationship, they may have had that conversation. In the end, you make your choices, and they make theirs. The beauty of it is, for the most part (and especially when it comes to celebrities, random FB girls that you may or may not have a relationship with) you don't have to live with their choices. They do. So let them worry about it.</strong>
Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

true fact.

DanieKA · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:4c49ef3c-639e-4933-b944-371e4b2bcea7">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, and you all may judge us for this, Donald and I don't use BC/protection 99.9% of the time. And we're ok with that choice. We've talked about it at length and it is a something we agree on. Are we tracking days and sexing it up on super fertile days in the hopes of getting pregnant? No-on the contrary, we track days and try to be more careful (either by abstaining, or using condoms) on those days. Are we trying to prevent anything from happening should his boys decide to go for a super swim? No. But the thing is, we're ok with the adult choices we are making. Now, as adults I don't think those getting pregnant should be walking around saying things like "I don't know HOW this happened!!", if they aren't using protection. They know how it happened. What I'm trying to say is, don't be so quick to judge others. They may be fully aware of the choices they are making. However short the relationship, they may have had that conversation. In the end, you make your choices, and they make theirs. The beauty of it is, for the most part (and especially when it comes to celebrities, random FB girls that you may or may not have a relationship with) you don't have to live with their choices. They do. So let them worry about it.
Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I don't disagree with this. You've made a conscious choice, had the conversations and know the consequences and how you would handle them. That's still a different scenario than what we are discussing. Yes, there are those that have taken an adult approach to the use, or lack of use of birth control. But just like every unplanned pregnancy isn't the woman trying to keep a man or fix a relationship, it's not always a situation where it's two mature adults who have made the decision not to use birth control and have discussed the possible implications of that.</div>

melmac86 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:7a3c37b9-e1dc-4b52-abf0-2c86901f373d">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : I don't disagree with this. You've made a conscious choice, had the conversations and know the consequences and how you would handle them. That's still a different scenario than what we are discussing. Yes, there are those that have taken an adult approach to the use, or lack of use of birth control. But just like every unplanned pregnancy isn't the woman trying to keep a man or fix a relationship, it's not always a situation where it's two mature adults who have made the decision not to use birth control and have discussed the possible implications of that.
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

Again, I second this. Im not talking about two adults who have made a decision together. I won't claim to know the intimate details of every couple's relationship, but I do have concerns with the questionable choices that some people make. People, being the girls who try to get pregnant on purpose without the consent or knowledge of their partner.

nyc1210 · March 2012

I went to school with a girl that stopped taking her BC pills because she wanted to get pregnant. She tricked her BF, got pregnant and he married her. About 2 years later, she told him the truth. He divorced her and got full custody of the little girl. It does happen, but I wouldn't say it's the majority.

Whether they admit it or not, if you aren't using any sort of protection, you want to get pregnant. It's not that hard to get condoms. The health department gives them out for free.

I don't use BC. I was on pills and didn't have a period for three months. I took them every day at the same time. I didn't miss a single pill. I went to the gyno and found out that I wasn't pregnant. They told me it was my thyroid. So, I had it checked. It was fine. I kept telling them that something was wrong, and they ignored me. So, FI and I sat down and decided together that I would stop taking them. I've had two periods since then, and they've been at the same time of the month (my pills had my cycle a few weeks off assuming I even had one). I haven't been as depressed or feeling like my life was spinning out of control. We use condoms. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that the pills I was on was part of the group that mispackaged. Meaning the period pills were mixed in with the active pills. I thought I was protected, and it turns out I still could've gotten pregnant. Because of that (I don't like the idea of not having a period every month so that rules out a lot of other methods), I'll never put a hormonal BC into my body again. We are using condoms and spermicide.

I just wonder how many women have gotten pregnant because of the mispackaged BC pills. It's my understanding that it was a lot of packages. Not just a few.

caitlin.cave · March 2012

I think the OP was less about couples who make the decision to stop/modify/use riskier birth control and more about people who just can't make the connection that not using birth control/using birth control ineffectively can result in pregnancy. I knew this girl a few years ago who had a pregnancy scare (I'm still thanking everything good in this world that it was just a scare) and legit said "well, I mean, we don't use protection, but how on earth could I have gotten pregnant?!" It's one thing to have a conversation with your SO and decide that now is a fine time to have a baby if that should happen, and it's totally another to just not consider the possibility of pregnancy when obviously it's a potential outcome of sex.

Swazzle · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:4c49ef3c-639e-4933-b944-371e4b2bcea7">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, and you all may judge us for this, Donald and I don't use BC/protection 99.9% of the time. And we're ok with that choice. We've talked about it at length and it is a something we agree on. Are we tracking days and sexing it up on super fertile days in the hopes of getting pregnant? No-on the contrary, we track days and try to be more careful (either by abstaining, or using condoms) on those days. Are we trying to prevent anything from happening should his boys decide to go for a super swim? No. But the thing is, we're ok with the adult choices we are making. Now, as adults I don't think those getting pregnant should be walking around saying things like "I don't know HOW this happened!!", if they aren't using protection. They know how it happened. What I'm trying to say is, don't be so quick to judge others. They may be fully aware of the choices they are making. However short the relationship, they may have had that conversation. In the end, you make your choices, and they make theirs. The beauty of it is, for the most part (and especially when it comes to celebrities, random FB girls that you may or may not have a relationship with) you don't have to live with their choices. They do. So let them worry about it.
Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this is not what any of us are saying. If you've had a conversation with your SO that you're not going to use BC at all but you're still going to have sex chances are when you get pregnant it's not going to be a surprise. You're both accepting the fact that your decision to not use BC but still have sex could lead to you getting pregnant as opposed to using nothing & then be shocked as shiit when a baby pops out 9 months later. </div>

beanbot2002 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:f5b73992-8645-4554-b736-1a3772b4f84d">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : I think this is not what any of us are saying. If you've had a conversation with your SO that you're not going to use BC at all but you're still going to have sex chances are when you get pregnant it's not going to be a surprise. You're both accepting the fact that your decision to not use BC but still have sex could lead to you getting pregnant as opposed to using nothing & then be shocked as shiit when a baby pops out 9 months later.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

I agree. I guess I should have worded my response differently.

I've been vocal about the fact that I think there are some people who just should not be allowed to have children, either at this time in their lives, or ever. Is that incredibly judgey of me? Absolutely.

I was just saying-in reference to melmac's OP, where she says something about celebrities and some FB/high school acquaintances getting pregnant after only a short relationship-there is always the possibility that they have had a similar conversation as me and my SO. Is it highly likely? Maybe not. But it's always possible. I guess you could say I'm playing the devil's advocate here for the sake of argument/discussion.

But 100% agree, pretty much anyone over the age of 14 should be fully aware that unprotected sex = likely chance you're gonna breed. Which is why I don't believe adults who say "OMG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???" To them I would say: "Unless you are the Virgin Mary, I'll tell you just how it happened: You let a boy stick his wiener in your hoohaa."

Now, to the ones that 'trap' their boyfriends by saying 'Oh, I'm using BC!' that's just wrong wrong wrong. I think it's a terrible TERRIBLE thing to do. BUT, (again, devil's advocate) the guy should know enough to say to himself, "I should probably wrap it up if I want to have more assurance." If the girl throws up extreme protest to his desire to wear a condom, that should be a giant red flag to the guy.

beanbot2002 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:683853b0-4875-4ded-8006-a78d32ba6894">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]I see what you're saying Beanbot, about adults making decisions about sex and BC, but in my cousin's case I can tell you right now no conversation about "what would happen if I got pregnant" happened. And it's not her problem now, it's my entire family's problem. My mom wanted to offer my cousin a place to live, but realized that my cousin honestly wouldn't be able to pull her shiit together enough to 1. leave after a year or so, which is what my mom had sort of planned on/would have been willing to do for her and 2. be a contributing member of the household. Now she's seeing how irresponsible my cousin and her BF are, and I KNOW she's happy she made that choice. Yes it totally sucks to be in the position to help out a young mother who is struggling and refuse to do it, but my mom was in the same spot. She grew up when she needed to. She wasn't a drain on my dad's family, even though she, my dad, and I lived with my dad's mom for a few years until they got their own place for us to live. (My mom was two weeks shy of being a teen mom, but I came late so she had me at 20.) I grew up a very independent person. My parents' marriage SUCKED when I was younger. I saw first hand how starting a family before you're ready can be. So when other members of my family don't use BC, or don't think of taking Plan B when it fails, I just shake my head and yes, I judge a little. I get that BCP not 100%, but I have two cousins who got pregnant at really unfortunate times in their lives (and I believe neither were on BCP): 1 is my cousin who just had her baby who is getting kicked out of every place she lives. The other is a cousin of mine who got pregnant her freshman year at MIT. She got married at 8 months pregnant, graduated on time, got into an MD-PhD program, and is going through a divorce and bitter custody battle, at the age of 24.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

Thank you for sharing your view on things. Your experience being the child of young parents is a different from my experience and offered me a new take on it and something new to consider when thinking about these things.

When it affects you personally, I agree that being judgey is somewhat warranted. I guess when I said the 'it's their choice, not yours' part, I should have been more clear that I mean that in regards to women/couples whose choices won't directly effect you (random celebrities and other random people).

I also must admit, when I recently found out that my sister was pregnant with her bf of a few months I was pretty damn annoyed. I had many, if not exactly all, the same thoughts as in melmac's OP. But eventually I had to realize, or come to terms with the fact that I can't force her to make another choice. What's done is done now, and while I may believe that it was terribly irresponsible of her, I have to get rid of that feeling so that I don't carry it over to the child once it is born. The child is going to be a part of my family. I should be absolutely clear that this last paragraph is in no way a dig at anyone else, it is a reflection of something that I just recently came to grips with. I tend to hold on to feelings of animosity for far too long. I've been trying really hard (with SO's help) to let some of that go.

melmac86 · March 2012

I guess I'd just be surprised to find out that some couples are completely okay if they get pregnant after only a few months of dating each other. I had a good feeling about my BF in the beginning of our relationship, but didn't have a full picture of if he'd be good "daddy" material until later on after seeing him interact with family, especially little ones. You don't fully know someone after a few months. I don't know that you ever fully know someone, but I think it's only fair to any future children who don't get a choice who they're born to, to make sure that they have a great dad/mom instead of blindly assuming things will be okay (not saying you did this Bean, just really hoping that people wouldn't do this).

beanbot2002 · March 2012

Yeah, I definitely knew that Beans biological father would be no good. I knew it well before I got pregnant. And for that I can be flamed. I welcome it, in fact! I guess in a way, Bean and I were very lucky that he didn't want to have anything to do with us. And I made the choice that it was better for us to let him walk away then to make him be a man and take care of his side of things. Cause truthfully, I knew that no matter if we did, he would still be a poor father. I didn't think it was fair to subject Bean to that. Even so, at one point when Bean was 3, I did seek out his bio father. He came by twice over the course of a year, and then disappeared. When I tried to re-engage him, he made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing to do with us. At that point I chose to let it go.

We're also incredibly lucky to have Donald in both of our lives. I was fortunate to know Donald as a person and a best friend for 15 years before taking that 'next step' and developing an intimate relationship with him. I knew he was a fantastic person and an amazing father figure. I know that my story is not at all the norm, and that not every single mother out there is as lucky as we have been. I am eternally grateful to whatever power/force/etc. placed Donald and I in each other's paths so many years ago in show choir (HAHA-he hate's it when I tell Bean that he was in show choir).

I'm not at all saying that I don't see where you're coming from, melmac. I do. And I've had all of those same thoughts on more than one occasion. I was not at all trying to flame you. I was just offering the other side of the arguement. But I've really enjoyed this thread. It's offered a few different takes on the situation without anyone attacking anyone else. I like that. It's also left me with a few new angles to consider (like Yaga's) when discussing this same topic with others. Angles and viewpoints that I might not have considered before.

melmac86 · March 2012

I didn't think you were trying to flame me, nor was I doing the same to you. It's been an interesting thread, but a good one without any really harsh comments. Happy that you and your son have a good man in your lives!

caitlin.cave · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:b44d72db-0067-451f-be50-3292fd4c7472">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]]I also must admit, when I recently found out that my sister was pregnant with her bf of a few months I was pretty damn annoyed. I had many, if not exactly all, the same thoughts as in melmac's OP. But eventually I had to realize, or come to terms with the fact that I can't force her to make another choice. What's done is done now, and while I may believe that it was terribly irresponsible of her, I have to get rid of that feeling so that I don't carry it over to the child once it is born. The child is going to be a part of my family. I should be absolutely clear that this last paragraph is in no way a dig at anyone else, it is a reflection of something that I just recently came to grips with. I tend to hold on to feelings of animosity for far too long. I've been trying really hard (with SO's help) to let some of that go.
Posted by beanbot2002[/QUOTE]

It would never even occur to me to take out my frustration with an irresponsible sister on her little one. They're just too cute for that! I think you can still disapprove of her choice without thinking that the baby is responsible.

doubleSS07 · March 2012

I suppose I think about the types of situations that have been mentioned independantly of one another. For example to me someone who got pregnant by not using contraception but knowing and accepting the consequesces is a seperate conversation than say someone who claimed to not know how this happened all the choosing not to use protection.

I am of the mind of the OP that it is unfathomable to me how someone could "end up" pregnant with all of the options availible out there today. I have taken my pill religiously for almost 16 years and used condoms as well. I have only ever had one time where I was a little freaked out and that was because it broke and even though I was taking the pill I still got Plan B because I will do everything in my power to prevent a pregnancy that I am not ready for.

My mindset though is based on things that I saw growing up and seeing the situations of friends. My cousin and I are 6 weeks apart in age...she got knocked up in the back seat of a car at her first homecoming football game at 15. I watched her gain weight, get teased mercilessly, be abondened by the father and then threatened by his parents with a custody battle. Luckily her daughter is now a beautiful, smart and driven 17 year old, but I know that given the choice looking back she would have been smarter. I also had 2 friends in HS walk across the stage 9 months preggo at graduation...again this pushed me in to the "I will never be that irresponsible" thoughts.

Fast forward about 10 years and I am taking a friend who is in her mid 30's to a clinic because she made the conscious decision to have unprotected sex with her BF who she was in an on again off again relationship with and was mad because she got pregnant when he didn't "pull out". I totally judged her especially after knowing this wasn't the first time she'd had this procedure. I won't lie, I even told her she was stupid being that age and doing something so irresposible. I have another friend who made a choice with her BF of a short time to have sex knowing they could get pregnant but they knew what the reposnsibilities were. Do I think that wasn't especially bright, sure based on her financial circumstances, BUT they made that choice and like Bean said it wasn't MY life or MY responsibility it was hers.

There are certain circumstances that I do judge, I would be lying if I said hey live and let live all the time but I TRY to give most people the benefit of the doubt it is a little harder when a human being is involved and I have such strong feelings about being responsible for another life. I do have to say I really like these kinds of threads and getting all the varying viewpoints. I wish that congress could have these kinds of productive conversations LOL

beanbot2002 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-i-missing-something?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0be5909d-0292-45c0-9b93-7fbeb1cb67e7Post:991c27c1-7322-4917-b69c-dc64cc87a2bb">Re: Am I missing something?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I missing something? : It would never even occur to me to take out my frustration with an irresponsible sister on her little one. They're just too cute for that! I think you can still disapprove of her choice without thinking that the baby is responsible.
Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]

I think you misunderstood, probably because of the way I worded it. I would never blame the child. That's just ridiculous. I was saying the animosity could carry over after the child is born, making the relationship between my sister and I strained and thus limiting the ability to have a relationship with the child. I did not want to miss out on the chance to know my new niece or nephew.

Am I missing something?

Re: Am I missing something?

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