I'm a bridesmaid with a question

4LeafClover3 · May 2011

So I am in a friend's wedding in a few weeks and I live across the country. The other bridesmaids live close to the bride. A few months ago the maid of honor sent out an email to all the bridemaids saying that we should think about throwing the bride a shower. I wrote back (reply to all) that I think it is a great idea and that I would love to help in what way I could with ideas and input but I would not be able to attend due to the fact I live clear across the country. (Plane tickets aren't exactly cheap and I don't have a lot of time to take off work). So after that I never received another email from any of them. They didn't ask for help, input, ideas... no asking for involvement at all. I only knew that they actually were going through with the shower a few weeks ago because of the brides facebook posts. I didn't even get a formal invitation. The shower was this past Saturday.

So today I get an email from the maid of honor telling me I owe about $100 for the shower this past weekend. Tell me if I am wrong on this but I feel very irritated and insulted that I didn't get one shred of input or anything but now I am good enough to put money in?? I mean, what do I do? I do not want to cause a riff and I don't want to put the bride in an akward position by throwing a fuss but I am seriously upset that all I was good for was funding the event. Seriously? You don't give me any say, you don't tell me anything about the plans and party but now you want money? If I would have been included in the plans and asked for opinions I would gladly pay. I am just so mad at those girls right now.

So... what would you do?

hjones4501 · May 2011

Tough situation... If it were me, I would respond to the MOH and tell her (being careful to be VERY polite and respectful) that I am really upset because just like the rest of the bridesmaids, I am very excited for the bride, and wanted to be a part of the celebration in any way I could. It is unfortunate that I live so far away, but would love to help with showers, parties, ideas, whatever there is to do. And remind her that I was excited to help with that shower, but never got any more information about it after the initial message. I would GLADLY put in (financially) for the bride, but I feel a little used. I didn't get any information, wasn't invited, wasn't involved, nothing, but I still am good for $100? It really just hurt my feelings since I did volunteer to help but was not included except in the bill.

I might offer to pay a small PART of the $100 just to "help out' so that no one is out of extra money, but because you had no say, and really NO CLUE what was going on, you can't possibly be help responsible for that bill.

And just so you know, I would be irate if I were treated that way... It's just rude. Hope it works out.

MairePoppy · May 2011

You are 100% right. They should have included you in the planning because you expressed an interest in helping. The MOH also should have asked you how much you wanted to contribute.

It's entirely up to you to decide if and how much you want to contribute. You are not obligated.

MariodoMujer · May 2011

OMG!, that is terrible, and I would feel just as bad if I were in your shoes. What you can do is very tactfully express how you feel. Send an email out to the maid of honor and tell her exactly what you wrote on your post. Remember not to use "you" statements because she might get defensive I would say something to this effect:

Thank you so much for throwing the bridal shower; i'm sure everyone had a great time and the bride really appreciates it. I'm dissapointed that I didn't get to participate because i'm so far away, but I would have liked to help and been more involved in the planning. I was very surprised to find out through facebook that the party had taken place because I wasn't made aware of the actual date of the party. I was planning on sending a gift as a means of being there in spirit and would have like to personally give the bride my regrets. But, I'm still very excited about helping in any way that i can, so let me know what I can do to help. You can contact me through e-mail or call me at.......yada yada yada

Of course dont mention it to the bride, she has other things to worry about. And of course by sending something like this you risk starting something between you and MOH. But I personally feel you shoyuld let her know how you feel

4LeafClover3 · May 2011

Thanks, ladies. I am glad I am not overreacting to this situation.

Also, since the shower the bride has been a bit standoffish with me. She previously told me that she was disappointed that I couldn't come to one of her three (yes, three) showers. I apologized for my absence but told her she needed to understand that flights are expensive and I am planning and paying for my own wedding as well so it was hard for me to fly from Texas to New York. She seemed a little annoyed but ok with it (she didn't really have a choice, did she?). But now I feel like I am the black sheep bridesmaid. Ugh.

jemmini6 · May 2011

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't pay for a party I didn't go to (especially without being included). And if they are all pissed off at you, don't worry about it, they are in the wrong here. And if the bride is mad because you can't attend, then she probably isn't that good of a friend anyways...

mandi921vh · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-bridesmaid-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8e543279-a8dd-48bd-aeb9-b48c75eb71e3Post:ead588df-9f66-434b-bd82-f209b7c816b1">Re: I'm a bridesmaid with a question</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know what I would say, but I wouldn't pay anything. It's akin to all of your friends going out to dinner without you, but then asking you to pay part of the bill. Umm, no thanks. That ain't happening.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly this. </div>

4LeafClover3 · May 2011

edielaura,

The dress was around $130. Not too bad really but with the flight, hotel, etc., I have shelled out a good bit of cash.

With all the other bridesmaids being really mad at me about me not paying for the shower and a bride that seems to be indifferent about me and annoyed I couldn't be at her showers and bachelorette party, would it be awful if I pulled out of this wedding with 4 weeks to go? I won't know anyone at the wedding and with a bunch of disgruntled bridesmaids I really won't be having a fun time and will feel so out of place. It is a lot of money to pay to be in a wedding that I feel not super welcomed at.

AutumnFair · May 2011

It is your choice to pull out of the wedding.

But the said parties are done and over with, if the Bride didn't kick you out and is just annoyed just chalk it up to the "wedding crazies" and stick it out, hopefully once the wedding is over a some months pass she will realize that she was being pissy over nothing.

If you drop out you might damage your friendship with her or even end it, so just wanting to prepare you for that if you do decide to drop out. As for the BMs, I would ignore them. They were in the wrong for leaving you out and then expecting you to pay. Even if they are peeved, I doubt they would do anything to you the day of the wedding (same as goes for the Bride who should be happy). I'm sure they have already talked bad behind you but really, who cares, they were wrong and you shouldn't feel a bit bad for it. As long as you don't hear them say anything to you, then continue on being happy for your friend.

But once again, the choice is yours to drop out or not.

nannewmur · May 2011

You know the saying "Who pays has a say?" Same thing applies here. If I understand correctly, you were willing to assist from a distance but made it clear you could not attend. Did you see an invite and were you listed as a hostess? I would not feel obligated and if you wish to send $$, that is up to you but you are not obligated to send $100. Sounds to me like the girls came up short and you were included, after the event, to come up with the shortage.

PS You need to think really hard about how you handle it b/c if a bachelorette party is held, you will probably be asked for $$ after the fact. Also, if the bride is not understanding about you not being there due to taking off work and cost of tickets, you need to carefully weigh the pulling out option. She does not sound like a friend at all.

snorwo3 · May 2011

First of all, I think that is absolutely terrible for them to do to you. You should not be expected to pay for something you were no part of, as many ladies have already said.

If you cannot attend the bachelorette party, I think you should tell the bridesmaids not to include you in the planning/money aspect of it before they even start planning. As for the bride, she had to have known from the moment she asked you to be a bridesmaid that you would not be able to come into town for every event, and she should be more understanding.

I do not think you should pull out of the wedding unless something dramatic happens or something. This forum, from what I've seen, strongly frowns upon brides who demote or kick out bridesmaids, so on the same token, I think it would be a bad idea to pull out due to what has happened thusfar. It will ruin your friendship. I don't think you should drop out unless absolutely necessary, much like a bride shouldn't kick out a bridesmaid unless absolutely necessary.

kgorman307 · May 2011

4LeafClover - I feel your pain. This has happened to me TWICE in the past 3 months. Once, I was asked for $110 two weeks before the shower, after already sending $50 for a joint bridesmaids gift. Then, just last week, another MOHzilla emailed the whole bridal party stating she'd booked a hall, caterer, full bar, etc. (which was a surprise since the BP had been discussing a backyard DIY shower) and demanded $125 from each BM.

I don't know where some people get the idea of "each bridesmaid pays equally for the shower and whatever amount the MOH decides" but it is rude. However, I would think long and hard before you drop out of the wedding over this, especially since your dear friend the bride probably knows nothing about it. If you do make that decision, it will likely be the end of your friendship with her.

ChrystalandCarter · May 2011

I would definitely tell the MOH how you feel in a nice way. I don't think they are thinking about your feelings here, so maybe an explanation will help. I wouldn't pay for this, because you were not made aware of anything... the girl is totally in the wrong. I would also email the bride and ask if she is mad at you --- you've sensed a shift in her feelings and you don't want to feel like she isn't being supported due to your situation, is there anything I can do from here, etc. blah blah. This situation is easy to mend since it is all based on lack of communication; a couple emails should set everything back on track! You will lose your friend if you pull out of this wedding. As a bride, I would be extremely hurt.

peanutty2 · May 2011

How rude! i would definately not be offering the MOH any money, and I'd write her an email back something along the lines of what hjones said.
As for the bride, I'd want her to know that I wasn't just blowing her off and that I didn't send her a gift or acknowledge her shower because I didn't know about it! And that you woudl of liked to have helped and sent a gift. I'm not sure an easy, nice way to put it but I'd definately want it out there. If she seems to have found a way to express to you though that she's disappointed in you for not making her shower, then I don't think I'd feel to bad about letting her know about this. Maybe just something like "I saw your pics on fb for your shower, looks like it was a great time! I wish the girls had gotten back to me about when it was I would of loved to have sent a gift for you to open at the party! Can't wait to see you at the wedding though." It might be too late for that though

As for pulling out, that's your choice but that would def be a friendship ender. I think the current issues can be sorted out or forgotten and an effort should at least be made to do that first. If you do pull out that's more than likely the end of the friendship so just keep that in mind.

Kniblet · May 2011

[QUOTE]I don't know what I would say, but I wouldn't pay anything. It's akin to all of your friends going out to dinner without you, but then asking you to pay part of the bill. Umm, no thanks. That ain't happening.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]
Nicely put.

I'm a bridesmaid with a question

Re: I'm a bridesmaid with a question

Choose Another Board

Search Boards