Please, I need your advice!

jamiehglover · October 2010

I have decided to host a mother/daughter bachelorette party. Although I live in Houston, one of my bridesmaids is in NYC, another in China, and the last in Houston; so I've decided to have a destination bachelorette party in Napa Valley, CA! I'm SO excited about this weekend and want to make it simple - we just get there then we eat and drink!

Here's the rub, though: I don't know whether to invite my fiance's mother or not! Will she feel left out if I don't invite her? I am worried about whether she can afford it - it's NOT going to be a cheap weekend - and I don't want her to be worried about the price of everything or for her not to participate in part of the festivities. I also am worried about her traveling by herself. I think she might need her husband to escort her there and I really don't want any men to be there during the weekend; if he escorts her there he will absolutely be popping by to join us for dinner and breakfast.

Please tell me what you think! I could use some good advice!

AllAboutTheBenjamin · October 2010

My FMIL was at my bachelorette party this past weekend - it was wonderful.

marissa_claire · October 2010

You're probably about to get this answer a lot, but please tell me you are not hosting your own parties. This is the biggest no-no. A relative or BM should be throwing it in your honor, and if they didn't offer then you shouldn't have one.

waltzingmatilda13 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:b3a934dc-105b-4b45-9296-f2376bee7c13">Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have decided to host a mother/daughter bachelorette party. Although I live in Houston, one of my bridesmaids is in NYC, another in China, and the last in Houston; so I've decided to have a destination bachelorette party in Napa Valley, CA! I'm SO excited about this weekend and want to make it simple - we just get there then we eat and drink! Here's the rub, though: I don't know whether to invite my fiance's mother or not! Will she feel left out if I don't invite her? I am worried about whether she can afford it - it's NOT going to be a cheap weekend - and I don't want her to be worried about the price of everything or for her not to participate in part of the festivities. I also am worried about her traveling by herself. I think she might need her husband to escort her there and I really don't want any men to be there during the weekend; if he escorts her there he will absolutely be popping by to join us for dinner and breakfast. Please tell me what you think! I could use some good advice!
Posted by jamiehglover[/QUOTE]

Let me get this straight.

1. You are hosting your own b-party.
2. You are requiring all your BMs to travel from various parts of the world to attend.
3. It's going to be very expensive, beside the fact that everyone will have to buy plane tickets.

I'm sorry, but I really couldn't get any farther than that. If what I have outlined is true, what you are doing is so incredibly rude. Please tell me I am wrong. Please please please.

lalap69 · October 2010

You shouldn't be hosting your own bachelorette party, especially not when it requires your bms to fly in from all over.

Having said that, why wouldn't you invite FMIL to a "mother/daughter" party? Having a party that is mother-friendly that you don't invite her to is going to look like you're deliberately excluding her.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

I also had bridesmaids scattered all around the country, and so the bachelorette party didn't happen. It would have been a logistical nightmare and a financial burden, and it would have been irresponsible of me to ask that of them. Not everyone gets one, sorry. And big ol' ditto to the others: you shouldn't have a hand in hosting your own, aside from approving the date and providing a guest list. It's a party thrown in your honor by other people. If other people choose not to host it, it doesn't happen.

If you do decide to go through with it, even knowing that it's a major faux pas, yes, FMIL should be invited if other mothers will be in attendance.

SSaltzman87 · October 2010

Yeeahhh.....hosting your own bachelorette party's a big no no.........

Plus having a 'destination' party like what you're describing just sounds like a logistical nightmare, not to mention crazy expensive-unless all said parties are incredibly wealthy.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

Small opinion, contrary to PPs...

I have hosted bachelorette parties before, but I have had one bride that was very picky, and kept saying no to everything but insisted she wanted a bachelorette party. In this case, we let her give input, but we still technically hosted.

If you have discussed what you would like for your bachelorette party and all attendees are in agreeance, I do not see any problem in what you are doing.

As far as your future mother in law, it depends on your relationship with her. And why does she need to know that your mom went? I dont agree with lying, but an omission, is not always the worst.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

I think you should invite her and she should be the one to decide if she can afford it or get there or not. Assuming never seems to work out well.

frogurt814 · October 2010

I also agree that you should invite her. If it is a mother/daughter bach party then I don't understand why you would not invite her. If I was her, and you did not invite me, I would probably be offended.

Ditto PPs...you should not be hosting your own bach party, and it does seem rude to be planning such an expensive bach party for yourself (not that planning a cheap one for yourself would be any better) but this seems kind of exorbitant, unless like someone else said, if all parties involved are very wealthy then maybe it would be no big deal for them to drop the $$ on this.

DavidandAmyClark · October 2010

Above PPs concerns about hosting aside, I really think that if you can accomodate her (she can get in at the same hotel, etc) err on the side of caution on the invites. That means if you are worried about it, invite her, and if its too much time, effort, and money then she won't go.

Ditto the above, it seems like quite the extravaganza!

Kristin789 · October 2010

A mother/daughter pre-wedding trip to CA sounds wonderful. Invite your mother, and go.

Your MOH & BMs certainly do not have the money and time and ability to unplug from their lives in CHINA and NYC and HOUSTON to flip out to CA for a week or weekend or whatever. That's just crazy. It's pretentious of you to think that you are that important in their lives that they can just stop all forward movement to attend to you, and it's totally wrong for you to be planning any kind of bachelorette field trip across the country / world from where they live.

And to the question you originally asked, NO. I have never heard of the MOG being invited to the bachelorette party.

deepcovejackie · October 2010

Please tell me two things:

1. That your real name is not Jamie H. Glover. If it is, change the screen name immediately, not safe on the internet to use your own name.

2. That you're not hosting your own bachelorette party in a very expensive venue requiring extensive travel.

I've forgotten your question.

ETA: Oh yeah, yes, invite your FMIL if other mothers are going.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:17c5f423-4497-4a97-85dd-fdf9719360ec">Re: Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE] And to the question you originally asked, NO. I have never heard of the MOG being invited to the bachelorette party.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Kristen has also never heard of a woman pumping her own gas and thinks we shouldn't be allowed to read books because it leads to independent thought, so take her advice with a huge grain of salt.

And no, you don't host your own party whether it's across town or across the ocean. Tacky tacky tacky.

trix1223 · October 2010

Boy, I'm with other pps. This is just so over the top that I have a hard time believing that you expect people to fly from all over the world for a party. A PARTY!!

It's not what you asked at all, but there isn't any way in he!! that I'd fly thousands of miles for a party. That's awfully self-indulgent of you.

Oh-if you call your extravaganza a mother-daughter weekend, then of course you have to invite your FMIL. And if she wants to be accompanied by your FFIL, then that's what SHE gets to do. You issue invitations. You don't get to issue exclusions.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

I think the whole thing is a big no no to begin with. You should not be hosting your own bach party, and if you are asking all of them to pay for the flight, etc, that is even more of a no no.

All of my girls were scattered as well and we were only in town a few days before the wedding. Only 3 of us were able to do anything, and we just went out to a few bars/clubs and they bought me drinks. Basic, simple, but fun.

And no, my MIL did not go out with us.

mysticl · October 2010

I'm of the theory that mother's don't belong at b-parties. They are for the bride and her friends not the older generation. Granted, this opinion could come from the fact that the idea of my own mother ever attending a b-party is horrifying and something that would never happen.

Muffin'sMom · October 2010

I don't have anything to add...except that you have been given some really excellent advice. You should listen to it.

Also, for my daughter's bach...FMIL and I were along for dinner and then we thankfully exited stage left. So, included but in a good way.

TheCranberry · October 2010

I have to disagree with PP's. Depending on your friends/family, the b-party in CA may not be as horrible as they are making it seem. Just be honest with yourself: can the invitees really afford the weekend (both in money and in time away from their lives) and would they really want to make the effort to attend?

In my group of friends, it's not uncommon to have destination bachelor or bachelorette parties (Vegas, Miami and Mexico are popular destintations). One of my friends even did a destination birthday party. I'm not going to lie though; sometimes people have issues with spending that much money or taking time away for a b-party for a friend. It can lead to fights and hurt feelings. The best way to make it work is if everyone knows it's not at all mandatory, and the people who don't go shouldn't be made to feel cheap or as if they're not as good friends or as if they missed out on something.

And I think you should invite your FMIL if other mothers are invited. She'll decide whether she can come.

artbyallie · October 2010

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that IF you're going to do this, you should buy all the plane tickets, pay for hotel rooms, all the drinks/food/whatever, etc. Because if you're going to do something so tacky as to throw a destination b-party for yourself, you should pay for absolutely all the expenses.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:4deb8ea5-9dd1-4434-9e3b-93c7b7b079bd">Re: Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to disagree with PP's. Depending on your friends/family, the b-party in CA may not be as horrible as they are making it seem. Just be honest with yourself: can the invitees really afford the weekend (both in money and in time away from their lives) and would they really want to make the effort to attend? In my group of friends, it's not uncommon to have destination bachelor or bachelorette parties (Vegas, Miami and Mexico are popular destintations). One of my friends even did a destination birthday party. I'm not going to lie though; sometimes people have issues with spending that much money or taking time away for a b-party for a friend. It can lead to fights and hurt feelings. The best way to make it work is if everyone knows it's not at all mandatory, and the people who don't go shouldn't be made to feel cheap or as if they're not as good friends or as if they missed out on something. And I think you should invite your FMIL if other mothers are invited. She'll decide whether she can come.
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]
Destination bachelorette parties are fine... when the bridesmaids/friends are the ones who make that decision and plan them. It's just as inappropriate for the bride to throw herself a b-party consisting of a bar crawl local to everyone as it is to throw a destination b-party.

TheCranberry · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:569cf3a4-1985-4f78-b644-2afc7f1dfcc2">Re: Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please, I need your advice! : Destination bachelorette parties are fine... when the bridesmaids/friends are the ones who make that decision and plan them. It's just as inappropriate for the bride to throw herself a b-party consisting of a bar crawl local to everyone as it is to throw a destination b-party.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I've never experienced a bride planning her own b-party/shower, but I wouldn't be upset if she did even though it's not considered proper etiquette. In my experience, the bride usually has some input on what's going on even when others plan it. I wasn't addressing that part of the conversation though since PPs pretty much covered it.

heyimbren · October 2010

Input is different from planning and hosting, though. That's what PP are trying to stress.

I don't see a problem with a bride giving input (if asked, because she shouldn't be demanding anything either really). But I do see a problem with a bride organizing the b-party and then basically just expecting her BMs to pick up the tab.

OP, it sounds like a fun, extravagant weekend and I think you should invite your FMIL if you're inviting your mom and the mothers of your BMs. If the mothers of your friends are coming, why can't FMIL? She'll be family soon. If she doesn't want to come, then she'll decline the invitation.

I'm also going to give you the benefit of a doubt and assume that you did talk to your BMs and they're on board with this and totally okay with it and supportive. But you still should not be hosting your own b-party because that party is thrown in your honour. Therefore, you should not be the host. Focus on planning your wedding if you must plan something. Then, if the other girls want (or even your mom wants to) they can plan a b-party for you.

frogurt814 · October 2010

FWIW, my MIL was invited to my bach party along with all of H's aunts. They are a big drinking/partying family, so they would have been offended had I not invited them. My mom was also invited to everything, but she left after dinner because she wasn't interested in riding around on the party bus all night and drinking. That's fine.

I don't think it's so crazy to invite your FMIL to a bach party if it's stuff that she enjoys doing.

TheCranberry · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:0b2da169-0dd2-499e-ad39-6591237986c9">Re: Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]Input is different from planning and hosting, though. That's what PP are trying to stress. I don't see a problem with a bride giving input (if asked, because she shouldn't be demanding anything either really). But I do see a problem with a bride organizing the b-party and then basically just expecting her BMs to pick up the tab.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

The point I was making is that while to some people the destination b-party is a no-no, it may be fine in her circle. I wasn't commenting on whether it's okay for her to plan or provide input on the b-party in general.

suze423 · October 2010

Two things -

1. Did you ask for input from your BMs before planning the b-party? Are they ok with spending the money? I'm assuming your wedding will be in Houston so that's another trip they have do make. Personally, unless I had a ridiculous amount of money to burn I wouldn't want to take part.

2. What kind of relationship do you have with your FMIL? Do you like her and enjoy being around her? If so I think it's rude not to invite her given that your mother is invited. If was strictly your friends that would be different. Even if you don't like her she'd probably be aware of that and wouldn't want to go anyway. I say invite her and let her make her own decision.

seasidebride24 · October 2010

If a mother-daughter weekend is what you're doing than it would be extremely rude to not invite your FMIL. By marrying her child, you are becoming part of her family and she is becoming part of yours. Destination b-parties are fine but don't expect that even with some serious advanced notice people will be able to attend. With the required time off, costs of travel and lodging and the costs for the actual activities, it would be ridiculous to expect everyone to be able to pay for that.

As for planning your own b-party, that is definitely a big no-no. HUGE etiquette faux pas! Talking to your BP and friends about fun ideas and even your schedule is fine for input, but you shouldn't be making the arrangements.

violet11 · October 2010

I have to disagree about inviting FMIL. I think it totally depends on your reltaionship with her. If you enjoy her company and you guys have a good relationship then I would invite her, but if not I wouldn't. It's a mother/daughter thing, so your mom makes sense, but it doesn't really make much sense to invite her. She wouldn't have a daughter there and I think it would be awkward (unless you all have a good relationship). THe b party is for you, not your FMIL, and it's destination, so it's not like she could come to the dinner and then leave. Personally, I would never have invited my FMIL to my Bparty, but I know different people have different relationships with their FMIL.

Also, I like how people have assumed you haven't discussed this with your BMs, give the girl a break, I'm sure they won't go if they can't, I'm sure they are grown women who can make up their own minds. I know if I was a BM and couldn't afford it I wouldn't go and I wouldn't care if a bride hosted her own party at all either.

JerseyML · October 2010

My only question is..why is it ok for guys to take trips to places like Vegas, Miami, NY etc for their bachelor party but you all are giving her a hard time for wanted to go away on her bachelorette party? Not all girls want to go to a local bar/club and see how many guys will buy them shots.

Bring your mom. Bring his mom. Bring all the moms. As long as you don't plan on getting sloshed and talking about tales in the bedroom...a napa weekend sounds lovely.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:ee00c327-81a7-4ff6-b28f-8f91bc36aea4">Re: Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]My only question is..why is it ok for guys to take trips to places like Vegas, Miami, NY etc for their bachelor party but you all are giving her a hard time for wanted to go away on her bachelorette party? Not all girls want to go to a local bar/club and see how many guys will buy them shots. Bring your mom. Bring his mom. Bring all the moms. As long as you don't plan on getting sloshed and talking about tales in the bedroom...a napa weekend sounds lovely.
Posted by JerseyML[/QUOTE]
Again, no one has a problem with the destination party specifically. If the bridesmaids all decide that they'd like to take the bride to Napa, awesome! But the bride isn't supposed to be involved at all with the planning of said party. The destination factor in this case just makes what is already a major faux pas that much worse. A groom planning his OWN expensive trip to Vegas, especially a trip where the other guests are expected to pay part or all of his costs (which is what a b-party is), would get exactly the same response.

mastewar · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a8cd16a0-278e-4abd-bda0-6ad69207b1f3Post:ee00c327-81a7-4ff6-b28f-8f91bc36aea4">Re: Please, I need your advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]My only question is..why is it ok for guys to take trips to places like Vegas, Miami, NY etc for their bachelor party but you all are giving her a hard time for wanted to go away on her bachelorette party? Not all girls want to go to a local bar/club and see how many guys will buy them shots. Bring your mom. Bring his mom. Bring all the moms. As long as you don't plan on getting sloshed and talking about tales in the bedroom...a napa weekend sounds lovely.
Posted by JerseyML[/QUOTE]

The problem isn't necessarily that it is a destination b-party. That can be really cool of the BMs were thinking that they would like a vacation and they could tie it in with throwing a b-party in her honor. If the BMs decided they wanted to do a destination party then it is different because it was their choice. The whole point is that when they choose to host the b-party, they are able to determine what will be done based on their budget and what they can afford. The whole point of etiquette is to avoid putting people in the awkward position of having to say no (and being thought of as cheap, poor, not a good friend, etc.)
Frankly, to those who say that it is alright if the girls can afford it I'd still disagree. I've been in bridal parties were the bride made assumptions about what i could afford (when I really couldn't) and it was extremely embarrassing and upsetting. My mom was unemployed so all my $ was going to help out the family...but I didn't need for all of my friends to know the intimate details of my finances! Just because you figure they have the money doesn't mean that they do. In the end, I put my foot down and said that I couldn't afford to pay (and lost some friends in the process). Just something to think about. You wan the parties before your wedding to be a fun time with friends, not a source of frustration, anger, and annoyance.

Please, I need your advice!

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