Sticky Situation with my mother SO

Stackeye210 · January 2012

Oh wait...........I'm sorry......RIGHT?????????

Stackeye210 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:611cb273-4c55-487e-855f-754f902c5beb">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : She is one of those women that always chooses a man over her kids. Its a personal flaw she has had for as long as I can remember. She refuses to see him in a bad light. She wants me to allow him at the hospital when my future kids are born (ain't happening), and has gone so far as to say that if she can't babysit my future kids at the house where I was kicked out of twice (where he currently lives), she doesn't want to be part of their life. We are currently teetering on a very very thin line, and I am hoping she can see that she can be a part of my life and my kids lives without forcing me to bend to her will.
Posted by algray05[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry, that really, really sucks! Keep in mind, we are on the etiquette board and we're giving you proper etiquette responses. If you make a decision regarding your guest list just remember that the consequences might filter out further than you'd realize. Be careful.</div>

annakb8 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:29780146-b391-4565-a1c3-e9ae4c5f82c1">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : When people say "It's your day! do what you want!" they're forgetting that there are often one hundred some odd guests who are ALSO important on "THE SPECIAL DAY!" Part of being a good hostess - which is what the people who are hosting, which, you say, in this case, is the couple - is keeping everyone comfortable, which includes inviting significant others. <strong> If someone LOVED Rattle Snakes and wanted to release a bag of rattlesnakes at their wedding, would you still say "GO FOR IT! IT"S YOUR DAY!"?</strong>
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>There are too many snakes at this mutherfucking wedding!

</div>

Stackeye210 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:b95db358-b295-4aa0-ba36-c8d32021fb1d">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : There are too many snakes at this mutherfucking wedding!
Posted by annakb8[/QUOTE]

<div>But you could give them as favors and have snakes on a plane too! Oh wait, that wouldn't make you any money that movie sucked. </div>

niobesmum · January 2012

OKAY,OKAY...let me clarify,

When I SAY its YOUR day. I mean that you can pick, what colors you want, what flowers you , want limo you want, where you have your reception...blah, blah. I dont mean you can act as ass to your guests.

Being an ass to your guests and not inviting ppl you dont like is two different thing. My advice to her is to invite both her her mom and her SO because she doesnt want to risk the fact that her mom maynot come if he isnt invited. She obviously for whatever reasons does not like or appreciate him.

Bottomline: Invite him and save yourself the drama. You wont notice him anyway.

ahhhitsshannyn · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:611cb273-4c55-487e-855f-754f902c5beb">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : She is one of those women that always chooses a man over her kids. Its a personal flaw she has had for as long as I can remember. She refuses to see him in a bad light. She wants me to allow him at the hospital when my future kids are born (ain't happening), and has gone so far as to say that if she can't babysit my future kids at the house where I was kicked out of twice (where he currently lives), she doesn't want to be part of their life. We are currently teetering on a very very thin line, and I am hoping she can see that she can be a part of my life and my kids lives without forcing me to bend to her will.
Posted by algray05[/QUOTE]

Lots of people are in crappy relationships that they do not realize it. The only thing you can do is stand by your mom and support her in whatever she decides. You also need to invite him to the wedding if you plan on invited her.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:611cb273-4c55-487e-855f-754f902c5beb">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : She is one of those women that always chooses a man over her kids. Its a personal flaw she has had for as long as I can remember. She refuses to see him in a bad light. She wants me to allow him at the hospital when my future kids are born (ain't happening), and <strong>has gone so far as to say that if she can't babysit my future kids at the house where I was kicked out of twice (where he currently lives), she doesn't want to be part of their life.</strong> We are currently teetering on a very very thin line, and I am hoping she can see that she can be a part of my life and my kids lives without forcing me to bend to her will.
Posted by algray05[/QUOTE]

I'm really confused about why your mom wouldn't be allowed to babysit your kids at the home she shares with this guy. I get that you don't like him and wouldn't allow him to babysit, but what's he going to do? Run up and smack them around while your mom is right there watching them for you? This part just seems like an extreme overreaction to me. (The rest makes sense though.)

Stackeye210 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:2cbeead1-b0da-4d27-b537-ae85341741d0">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]OKAY,OKAY...let me clarify, When I SAY its YOUR day. I mean that you can pick, what colors you want, what flowers you , want limo you want, where you have your reception...blah, blah. I dont mean you can act as ass to your guests. Being an ass to your guests and not inviting ppl you dont like is two different thing. My advice to her is to invite both her her mom and her SO because she doesnt want to risk the fact that her mom maynot come if he isnt invited. She obviously for whatever reasons does not like or appreciate him. Bottomline: Invite him and save yourself the drama. You wont notice him anyway.
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

<div>There you go, you can write w/o excessive punctuation and it made what you said make sense and legit. </div>

ahhhitsshannyn · January 2012

I'm too legit to quit.

algray05 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:67e5d728-f302-41b6-b6fc-3de525bb2c5c">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I'm sorry that your mom is this way. Really and truly. It hurts a lot - I went through something similar for about a year, and it was soul crushing. I can't imagine a lifetime of it. You know that you have to invite him if you want your mom there. If you really, really want to keep him from your wedding, I don't think she'll come. :(
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Its a sinking pit in my stomach that I know I will most likely have to invite him, and I know her full well enough to know there is a good chance that if he is excluded, she will remove herself as well (bonus for her, she won't have to meet my dad's new wife). I was just hoping there was some proper way to handle it.

LDYGTR13 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:2cbeead1-b0da-4d27-b537-ae85341741d0">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]OKAY,OKAY...let me clarify, When I SAY its YOUR day. I mean that you can pick, what colors you want, what flowers you , want limo you want, where you have your reception...blah, blah. I dont mean you can act as ass to your guests. Being an ass to your guests and not inviting ppl you dont like is two different thing. My advice to her is to invite both her her mom and her SO because she doesnt want to risk the fact that her mom maynot come if he isnt invited. She obviously for whatever reasons does not like or appreciate him. Bottomline: Invite him and save yourself the drama. You wont notice him anyway.
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]<div>

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/1/d20c80df-6ddd-4677-915f-91f86fe119ef.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/1/d20c80df-6ddd-4677-915f-91f86fe119ef.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
</div>

niobesmum · January 2012

awww stackey, leave me alone. LOL

I do feel her pain though. Wedding are tough thing to plan and deal with.

And here are a few question marks and ellipes just for you gals......????? ha ha

okay...seriously going to change ticker. while not obnoxious to me (as so lovely put by another) it is midly annoying.

adamar15 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:3419b9d5-d555-481b-b30f-8605b6cddbf4">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : I'm really confused about why your mom wouldn't be allowed to babysit your kids at the home she shares with this guy. I get that you don't like him and wouldn't allow him to babysit, but what's he going to do? Run up and smack them around while your mom is right there watching them for you? This part just seems like an extreme overreaction to me. (The rest makes sense though.)
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

If this guy is as big a douche as she says he is, I wouldn't want my kids around him either.

algray05 · January 2012

[QUOTE] I'm really confused about why your mom wouldn't be allowed to babysit your kids at the home she shares with this guy. I get that you don't like him and wouldn't allow him to babysit, but what's he going to do? Run up and smack them around while your mom is right there watching them for you? This part just seems like an extreme overreaction to me. (The rest makes sense though.)
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Why would I walk off and leave my kids at a house I am not allowed into?
And it was something brought up by her, not something I imposed on her. If she only wants to be a part of my kids lives in a controling way, on her terms, then she doesn't want to be involved very much.

sparent2010 · January 2012

No sorry your 2 choices invite them both or invite neither.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:d680e6c7-36d2-40ba-a159-f6d46c6c18cd">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]actually its a great peice of advice...<strong>you probably just didnt read it right.</strong> in essence she should get over the fact of how she feels about the SO and INVITE THEM BOTH because her MOM is going to be with HIM anyway and she cant change it!!! Thats life! the best thing she can do is focus on how great her life with her husband is going to be.
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]Whatever. this is your day. <strong>If dont feel like looking at his face then let her know he is not invited.</strong> Now whether that means she wont come as well is something you will be taking a chance on. INow you have to make a serious choice: Is it worth not having your mother at your one big day just because of a piece of %$#*& that she's going to be with regardless anyway???
Posted by niobesmum[/QUOTE]

Yeah I think the bolded in the second quote where you even give her this option is what you contradicted yourself on.

Habs2Hart · January 2012

OP - I think the situation you are in sucks. He's a douche and you have problems with your mom too, but you want her there, so I'd invite him aswell. In all honesty, you will be so consumed by your future H at the altar that you won't even notice who's sitting in the front row.

Stackeye210 · January 2012

OP, not that you asked but I'm going to offer my unsolicited advice, ok?

CALL YOUR MOMS BLUFF! Not on the wedding thing, but on anything else, like her watching the kids at her house. She's only doing what you let her get away with. Call her bluffs enough and she'll back off. Good luck.

Detroit - can I call you detroit b/c I forget your screenname and it isn't on this page 3 of posting and I can't go back while I'm typing, but welcome. You've handled yourself pretty well here today. Most people go running and screaming and we were really only trying to help. Oh wait, I see Chels quoted you, "niobesmum" or something. I like Detroit better.

algray05 · January 2012

Thanks. Here's hoping!!

daveANDkristen · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:29780146-b391-4565-a1c3-e9ae4c5f82c1">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO : When people say "It's your day! do what you want!" they're forgetting that there are often one hundred some odd guests who are ALSO important on "THE SPECIAL DAY!" Part of being a good hostess - which is what the people who are hosting, which, you say, in this case, is the couple - is keeping everyone comfortable, which includes inviting significant others. <strong>If someone LOVED Rattle Snakes and wanted to release a bag of rattlesnakes at their wedding, would you still say "GO FOR IT! IT"S YOUR DAY!"?</strong>
Posted by LDYGTR13[/QUOTE]

Bahahaha!

And yes, OP, you should invite him.

mari0225 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:dce6833b-7728-4248-b86c-2d881edd22c5">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks. Here's hoping!!
Posted by algray05[/QUOTE]

Good luck, I have been in your situation too many times too count, not the wedding thing but with a mom who seems to pick the worst guys.

I agree with Stackeye, call her bluff.

niobesmum · January 2012

Detroit is fine. No...Im not going to run and scream for the hills over a little thing like punctuation....

ha ha. Just a habit of mine. Niobe is my oldest daughter.

niobesmum · January 2012

Chels (hi)
in my original quote although roughly put, i meant that she can tell her mom that he isnt invited (because she obviously doesnt like him and she said herself that she didnt want to see his face up front with the rest of the fam) BUT that she runs the risk of her mom not coming because of him not being invited.

i asked her was it worth ruing her big day (yes I know she has many guests too) with her mom not being there. IMO, its not. and she should just invite them both.

algray05 · January 2012

Stack (my iPhone is bugging and I can't quote you for some reason) When I was a kid, we had family board game nights every Thursday. It's a tradition I plan on continuing and plan to have an open invitation extende to her for. I won't be one of those people who uses their kids against their parents, but if she decides to not be a part of their life, I'm leaving it on her. I'm hoping she'll change her mind when I have kids, but she also left her 20 year old to raise her 13 year old, so who knows.

chelsy31588 · January 2012

Sucky situation, I don't like my step-father, he treated my full brother horribly and now my brother really resents our mom. I was lucky enough to have been in college and I never lived with him, unfortunatly he is the father of my half brother and my mom's husband. You have to invite him but he doesn't need to have any significant part in your wedding. That is what I'm doing, but at the same time I'm not even having my real dad be apart of my wedding because he was a crappy dad as well, BUT he is invited.

It's kind of funny, out of all the people in my family no one likes each other's significant other's except for my fiance everyone loves him. So I'm pretty much expecting a Jerry Springer wedding fights and all but oh well, family is family!

Carla1019 · January 2012

OP, you mentioned that your mother would never listen to anything negative about her SO. Have you ever told him how bad you felt that he called you a failure for dropping out of college to raise HIS daughter?

What would (/did) he say? I believe you should invite him but make sure you express your feelings to him. Not sure how long it has been since his last Jerk moment with you but is there a chance he might feel remorse for his actions?

OliveOilsMom · January 2012

OP, assuming you end up inviting your mom's SO, just let the photographer you hire know ahead of time that you do not want any pictures of him. Any group pictures, he can be left out of as well. He may end up being at your wedding in person, but that doesn't mean you have to see photographic evidence of him forever.

Carla1019 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9ba75475-ba3e-4716-b0ec-eafb39b66e20Post:ba00e864-1380-4ead-94da-f88173f1d0e6">Re: Sticky Situation with my mother SO</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, assuming you end up inviting your mom's SO, just let the photographer you hire know ahead of time that you do not want any pictures of him. Any group pictures, he can be left out of as well. He may end up being at your wedding in person, but that doesn't mean you have to see photographic evidence of him forever.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

Just in case he is in a picture she will have the final say on which pictures end up in her photo albums.

algray05 · January 2012

Carla, I told her, she immediately called him to get his side, and said I must have misunderstood, and to quit being so sensitive. I haven't seen or spoken to him in three years, and quite frankly, I honestly don't care if he is remorseful. His selfishness and refusal to raise his own child cost me a paid-for-college education, one that I have to this day not been able to finish.

Olive, THANK YOU. I would never have though to say anything to the photographer, and it was the Ceremony pictures in particular I was going to dread looking at over the years.

I really appreciate the understanding this has been met with.
: )

+HeatherW · January 2012

Put a paperbag over his head? Then you don't have to look at him.

My mothers soon-to-be ex husband was a giant twatwaffling douchcanoe...he was the WORST ever. He started off alright enough...then he started drinking more and more and more and more.

He showed up to my wedding as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle completely wasted, filthy and wreaking of vodka and whisky. My father was walking me. He started a fight, trying to PUNCH MY FATHER, because he thought he should walk me down since he was married to my mom. Ummmm no. My brother, step brothers and H threw him out of the church so I didn't have to look at his face...otherwise I would have put a paperbag over his head too.

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