Wedding Quandary

emzyhooha · March 2012

My boyfriend and I had been talking about getting married for a while and then he decided to go back to school. I work at a college and as one of the employee benefits, he has the opportunity to go to school for free if we are married- one of the caviats is that we needed to be married before December 31st to file taxes jointly as a married couple to qualify for the free tuition. So on December 16th we had a notary public marry us in a privaite civil ceremony, no family and no friends and we just told everyone afterwards that we were planning on having the big wedding in the summer when we had time to plan and include everyone. Now I really hadn't though much about this until recently when I was trying to figure out how to word the invitations. I didn't take his last name during the civil ceremony, because honestly we were treating the civil ceremony as a formality- a means to an end. I fully intend on taking his name in what we're calling "our real wedding" in August. I've been researching online what the etiquette is with something like this and I've seen a lot of negative posts so now I'm freaking out- should we be doing this at all? We both acknowledge that this is more of a renewal of vows which is fine but I want to have my girlfriends stand up with me and buy a dress etc. I'm just starting to feel guilty for wanting those things now. So I'm looking for some advice on what the best approach to this sitution would be......

crash2729 · March 2012

Well, you're right. It is a vow renewal because you already had a real wedding. Just because it didn't include your family and have a white dress doesn't make it less real.

As far as invitations you should just make it clear that it is a vow renewal. Most people recommend to skip the WP and big white dress, but in the end it's your decision.

vsgal · March 2012

You get one wedding. You made your choice. You decided that free tuition was more important to you than a big party. Let it go. Don't spend the money now. Use that money towards school, a vacation, or your retirement. You should feel guilty about wanting all the bells now. You don't get them.

NOLAbridealmost · March 2012

The best approach would be to have a large party with all your family and friends. You can do a cake cutting and a first dance and wear a white dress, hire a DJ, have a big meal...basically everything you'd do at a reception.

You absolutely shouldn't do bridal showers, bachelorette parties, or a wedding party; it's just inappropriate when you're already married.

Having a vow renewal ceremony is a bit of a grey area. As long as the guests know that it's a renewal and you're not lying to them, I don't think it's rude to do the renewal, but I do think that it's a bit AWish when it's so soon after the wedding. The AW factor decreases significantly if you've been married for many years and want to do a renewal.

ggirl2001 · March 2012

I, personally, don't care what dress you wear and if you do all the cake cutting, first dance stuff etc. But a lot of people do, so err on that side. It is a vow renewal, and it does sound like you are not lying to anyone, I would make sure the invitations are worded so that people know that it is a vow renewal.

Or you can skip any ceremony part and just have a big party, and your invitations can be worded along the lines of "come celebrate our marriage that took place on 12/16/11" (but better, I suck at wording).

I would forgo any pre wedding parties since you are already married. I would not ask your girlfriends to buy a dress, etc. If you do decide to have a ceremony, ask one close friend and let them pick the dress so they can use something they have or buy something in their budget.

Snippylynn · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:c7aa1305-2b91-4fd7-9a0b-5ffa1412fbd4">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]You get one wedding. You made your choice. You decided that free tuition was more important to you than a big party. Let it go. Don't spend the money now. Use that money towards school, a vacation, or your retirement. You should feel guilty about wanting all the bells now. You don't get them.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.

And definitely stop calling him your boyfriend. He's your husband, whether you regret what you did or not. People need to think through the consequences of their actions, and just because now you think "Oh, but I would have liked to have a big dress" doesn't mean you will be any more married than you are. In most of Europe, all people do is have a civil ceremony. It's the only thing that actually legally makes you married.

I understand if you now feel some regret. I get it. But that doesn't mean you get a 'do over'. Honestly, I don't really care if people have vow renewals, but I sideye it if it's less than 5 years minimum.

ggirl2001 · March 2012

Ohh I missed the part where she called him her boyfriend.

Yeah, OP, that's stupid. He's your husband, legally, on paper and you made a commitment together. It wasn't a "fake commitment", or a "fake wedding". it was real. Call him your husband.

Loopyseven · March 2012

I think the advice to just have a party to celebrate the marriage of blah blah is the way to go. I think vow renewals should be reserved for people who are celebrating a milestone or are getting through a rough spot and recommiting to each other.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:c7aa1305-2b91-4fd7-9a0b-5ffa1412fbd4">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]You get one wedding. You made your choice. You decided that free tuition was more important to you than a big party. Let it go. Don't spend the money now. Use that money towards school, a vacation, or your retirement. You should feel guilty about wanting all the bells now. You don't get them.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

I think this is ridiculous. If she is paying for it, who cares if she wants to have a party to celebrate her marriage? As long as she's not lying to anyone, why does it matter?

ggirl2001 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:80ffee33-8414-4f71-b1e8-9b2d72e14f4d">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the advice to just have a party to celebrate the marriage of blah blah is the way to go. I think vow renewals should be reserved for people who are celebrating a milestone or are getting through a rough spot and recommiting to each other.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. I'd much rather have a party then do another ceremony. Especially so close to my actual wedding. It seems foolish really. Have the big party, and have fun. </div>

emzyhooha · March 2012

The boyfriend wording was simply used to set a timeline- he was my boyfriend at the time he decided to go to school and then we got married. That's it. No hidden meaning or agenda.

We don't feel any regret over getting married. Before we actually had the civil ceremony we decided, ok- we'll sign the paperwork and do the traditional wedding during the summer, not expecting this to be such a huge issue with etiquette. WOAH was I wrong.

The more I think about it the more I agree that a party is probably the way to go and nix the ceremony all together. It's not necessary. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

allisonkbye · March 2012

If that was me, personally, I would still have the ceremony part, but I would have it super short/sweet and rather informal, at the reception site. When I say informal, I wouldn't ask the 'groomsmen' to wear suits and get big long formal bridesmaids dresses. I would probably just ask them to wear what they want.But I think its important to exchange your vows infront of all of your friends/family and to have those who are most important to you, beside you.

IMO you did a smart thing, and just because you got married first under these circumstances shouldn't rob you of the wedding you always dreamed of having. If you have people look down at you for wanting this, then are they truely your good friend or family member? So yeah, I say have the reception, and if you want, do a short small vow renweal at the beginning. I think that would be cute.

emzyhooha · March 2012

Thanks, Allison! I appreciate it.

Snippylynn · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:4f4e6548-2fa0-4582-82c0-6d9e4eeb83e9">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]If that was me, personally, I would still have the ceremony part, but I would have it super short/sweet and rather informal, at the reception site. When I say informal, I wouldn't ask the 'groomsmen' to wear suits and get big long formal bridesmaids dresses. I would probably just ask them to wear what they want.But I think its important to exchange your vows infront of all of your friends/family and to have those who are most important to you, beside you.<strong> IMO you did a smart thing, and just because you got married first under these circumstances shouldn't rob you of the wedding you always dreamed of having. If you have people look down at you for wanting this, then are they truely your good friend or family member? So yeah, I say have the reception, and if you want, do a short small vow renweal at the beginning. I think that would be cute. </strong>
Posted by allisonkbye[/QUOTE]
But against etiquette. It's not 'cute' and it's totally unneccessary. I would look down on my sister if she did that. It doesn't reflect on me- this is all on her for doing something that doesn't need to be done. Too many people today are about self-indulgence and gratification for ridiculous things. She's already had the ceremony. It's over. Finished. Redoing it in front of anyone else doesn't make her more married.

ggirl2001 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:4f4e6548-2fa0-4582-82c0-6d9e4eeb83e9">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]If that was me, personally, I would still have the ceremony part, but I would have it super short/sweet and rather informal, at the reception site. When I say informal, I wouldn't ask the 'groomsmen' to wear suits and get big long formal bridesmaids dresses. I would probably just ask them to wear what they want.But I think its important to exchange your vows infront of all of your friends/family and to have those who are most important to you, beside you.<strong> IMO you did a smart thing, and just because you got married first under these circumstances shouldn't rob you of the wedding you always dreamed of having. If you have people look down at you for wanting this, then are they truely your good friend or family member? So yeah, I say have the reception, and if you want, do a short small vow renweal at the beginning. I think that would be cute.
Posted by allisonkbye[/QUOTE]</strong>
But technically it does. It goes against etiquette really. And, by making that choice, then you make sacrifices. That's part of being an adult. Your decisions have consequences. You don't get a "redo" on most of your life choices. And yeah, people will look down on it, including good friends. It doesn't make them less of a good friend or family member. That's ridiculous logic. <div>
</div><div>She can have her party if she wants to, and people won't care about that. But it seems silly to have a vow renewal after 6 months doesn't it? Have a reception and call it a day. I don't want to sit through a ceremony if you just got married 6 months ago. </div>

katehar01 · March 2012

OP, if you and H would like to have your marriage blessed within your faith tradition (if that hasn't already happened), then that may be something you want to do that is ceremony-esque. Otherwise, just stick with the party.

crash2729 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:4f4e6548-2fa0-4582-82c0-6d9e4eeb83e9">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]If that was me, personally, I would still have the ceremony part, but I would have it super short/sweet and rather informal, at the reception site. When I say informal, I wouldn't ask the 'groomsmen' to wear suits and get big long formal bridesmaids dresses. I would probably just ask them to wear what they want.But I think its important to exchange your vows infront of all of your friends/family and to have those who are most important to you, beside you. IMO you did a smart thing, and just because you got married first under these circumstances <strong>shouldn't rob you of the wedding you always dreamed of having. </strong>If you have people look down at you for wanting this, then are they truely your good friend or family member? So yeah, I say have the reception, and if you want, do a short small vow renweal at the beginning. I think that would be cute.
Posted by allisonkbye[/QUOTE]<div>It wouldn't "rob" her. She made the concious choice to get married the way she did.

</div>

vsgal · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:fc93bfe6-8f88-4959-8e1f-6b80ba976b16">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Quandary : I think this is ridiculous. If she is paying for it, who cares if she wants to have a party to celebrate her marriage? As long as she's not lying to anyone, why does it matter?
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

IIt is ridiculous to have a vow renewal for the sake of having a party that you feel entitled to. Having the celebration is not necessarily the issue. Having a vow renewal or "real wedding" so she can wear the dress, register, have a bridal party, and walk down the aise is a problem. She is already married, but now wants the dress and the wedding party. Whether one lies about it or not or pays for it or not doesn't make it right.

em01092 · March 2012

Have the marriage blessed, if that is important to you, or have a VR.

Or skip the ceremony part, as PPs suggested, and just throw a fantastic party. Call it a celebration of marriage or something.

Allison, she and her FI made their choice, and decided that tax benefits outweighed waiting and having a big wedding. They now need to accept that and have an appropriate occassion. Of course they can do whatever the heck they want, but having a PPD when you're already married makes you look childish. Plus acting like one isn't married simply to "do it over" is also pretty pointless.

emzyhooha · March 2012

Lots of opinions on this matter I suppose. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks beyond me and my husband(didn't want to make that same mistake twice). For me it's important that my friends and family share in the day because they are the people who make us whole and I don't think it's out of the question to want to want that, though perhaps non-traditional and against the etiquette grain. I suppose after some thoughtful chats with our familes and friends we'll make a final decision. Thanks again for the feedback.

SB1512 · March 2012

I've known 2 other people that had civil ceremony like yours and then had the big party afterwards and no one seemed to care. Friend #1 who did this was already engaged for about 6 months when she found out she was pregnant. Since she was working on a doctorate degree and school health insurance was not great for prenatal care (she was also high risk as she is diabetic) it was best for the baby to get on her fiance's health insurance asap and his job did not allow people to go on as domestic partners so they did a civil ceremony. They had a party about 1.5yrs after the baby was born and no one seemed to mind. Friend #2 had a civil ceremony before her fiance was shipped off to Afghanistan. He is a medic in the army so there was a very realistic chance of his not returning from war. Luckily he came back after his 3year tour and they had their party upon his return. Neither girl had a bridal shower (but people still bought them tons of gifts/gave money anyways), and one had a girls night planned by her best friend, but they did both wear a white dress, have a dj, catered meals and cake (did not do cake cutting or first dances though). The girl whose husband had been in the army came from a very religious upbringing so they did have some sort of renewal ceremony in a catholic church at the insistance of her family. I think as long as you do things that don't make it weddingesqe you can have a party.

em01092 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:3f5e08d6-0894-454d-8660-190e326cedec">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]Lots of opinions on this matter I suppose. I guess at the end of the day it <strong>doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks beyond me and my husband(didn't want to make that same mistake twice). For me it's important that my friends and family share in the day because they are the people who make us whole and I don't think it's out of the question to want to want that,</strong> though perhaps non-traditional and against the etiquette grain. I suppose after some thoughtful chats with our familes and friends we'll make a final decision. Thanks again for the feedback.
Posted by emzyhooha[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, obviously the tax benefits were more important, or else you would have waited and included your loved ones in the first place. No one is telling you that you did a bad thing for getting married for this reason, just that you don't seem to realize your JOP wedding was your real wedding. To say otherwise is an insult to all of the brides who go that route and are 100% content with it. That's all you need to be married. You are married. These other things (the additional ceremony and celebration ) are what you <em>want.</em> Dressing up and acting like you aren't married when you are is silly. </div>

crnflkgirl75 · March 2012

I think about my grandparents when this question comes up. They were both very religious, and (because it was World War II) they couldn't get their banns published before he was shipped overseas (my g-pa was at D-day, btw!). They had a civil ceremony, and then, when he came home, they did what they consider the "real one." They didn't consider themselves actually married until the church blessed it. Otoh, they also didn't have sex until the second one... This is not really an opinion on the OP's dilemma, I just thought it was a cute story, and it's my g-ma's birthday so I was thinking about her.

Completely unhelpful, I know. So with that in mind, throw the party not the "wedding."

ThankfulSnail · March 2012

My parents had a vow renewal about a month before my mother passed away from cancer, after 29 years of marriage, because they wanted to show each other, in the presence of their friends and family, that they loved each other to the end.

It sounds like you are having a vow renewal to have a party with your friends and family to celebrate your marriage 6 months ago.

I think it would be most appropriate in this situation to nix the vow renewal/ceremony portion and just have the party to celebrate your marriage. FI's cousin had to get married in a hurry so her H wouldn't get deported. A while later (I forget how long...) they got friends and family together and had a whole big ceremony with a white dress, vows, and a bridal party, then they had a cake cutting, first dance, etc., and I thought it was kind of silly, like she was playing dress-up as a bride to get what she missed out on.

Just my two cents.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:da14b2bb-64a2-4d4c-9ba5-282d2d737147">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Quandary : Well, obviously the tax benefits were more important, or else you would have waited and included your loved ones in the first place. No one is telling you that you did a bad thing for getting married for this reason, just that you don't seem to realize your JOP wedding was your real wedding. <strong>To say otherwise is an insult to all of the brides who go that route and are 100% content with it.</strong> That's all you need to be married. You are married. These other things (the additional ceremony and celebration ) are what you want. Dressing up and acting like you aren't married when you are is silly.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but anyone who would genuinely be insulted by someone else's verbiage around their wedding needs to unclench.

OP - here's the deal. At the end of the day, it's your money and it's your life. Please don't let a message board influence you away from doing something that is truly important to you. If it's really that important for you to stand up in front of your loved ones and say words to your H, then do it. I almost let people sway me away from having my son say a few words during our reception because the consensus on the boards was that it was "creepy". If I had let that deter me, I would have huge regrets.

I think the one thing to be aware of is that while most people won't even bat an eye about the situation, there will be some that judge. As long as you are okay with it and you are not lying to anyone, have your vow renewal and party.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:48b1e67d-0d50-43a3-815d-f7a6fba4952c">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Quandary : IIt is ridiculous to have a vow renewal for the sake of having a party that you feel entitled to. Having the celebration is not necessarily the issue. Having a vow renewal or "real wedding" so she can wear the dress, register, have a bridal party, and walk down the aise is a problem. She is already married, but now wants the dress and the wedding party. Whether one lies about it or not or pays for it or not doesn't make it right.
Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

I didn't read anything that makes me think she feels entitled to it. She wants to celebrate her marriage with her loved ones. Why is that wrong?

rebarobert2012 · March 2012

You really only get one wedding. The civil ceremony was your wedding, so he is your husband now. You can do a vow renewal, but you are already legally married.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:e24ded8e-0972-4d0c-bfec-740ac9345ca8">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]You really only get one wedding. The civil ceremony was your wedding, so he is your husband now. You can do a vow renewal, but you are already legally married.
Posted by rebarobert2012[/QUOTE]

Oh FFS, I think we've established this fact by now.

Nebb · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-quandary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4ae407e-8cff-4a1e-835c-c7988795fcd4Post:dc1f2c48-6e23-41ab-a5d1-0e061556ff0e">Re: Wedding Quandary</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Quandary : I'm sorry, but anyone who would genuinely be insulted by someone else's verbiage around their wedding needs to unclench. OP - here's the deal. At the end of the day, it's your money and it's your life. Please don't let a message board influence you away from doing something that is truly important to you. If it's really that important for you to stand up in front of your loved ones and say words to your H, then do it. I almost let people sway me away from having my son say a few words during our reception because the consensus on the boards was that it was "creepy". If I had let that deter me, I would have huge regrets. I think the one thing to be aware of is that while most people won't even bat an eye about the situation, there will be some that judge. As long as you are okay with it and you are not lying to anyone, have your vow renewal and party.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]
Wait a second, whoTF said itd be creepy if your son spoke at your wedding? wtf is that noise

rebeccaandaltheaswedding · March 2012

Who cares what anyone else thinks? I would love to have the opportunity to watch two close friends exchanging their vows before us-- yes they are legally married already, but now they are also having their vows witnessed in the eyes of their friends. Friends and family who don't approve will skip it. I would skip the bachelorette and shower, but nothing wrong with repeating your vows, with friends and family witnessing. If it's important to you, go for it. You are paying for it, do what you want, make yourself happy. It doesn't matter if it's self indulgent. You're paying for it yourself right?

[Deleted User] · March 2012

Oh. Lot's of people. They said that children's vows were creepy. I can't even remember all of the people that said it was a bad idea, but there were several. I almost didn't do it because I was worried that guests at the wedding would judge, but then I realized that I didn't giveafuck what other people thought.

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