What to do with "daddy dearest"...oh- and intro, too :)

Re: What to do with "daddy dearest"...oh- and intro, too :)

• Lisa50 member

  

  April 2012

  Welcome to the boards, Kathy.  Congratulations on your engagement.  Before I answer the questions, I'm going out on a limb and say you're being driven by a lot of assumptions of how weddings should go, rather than really thinking out what YOU want your celebration to be.  So, before I take a stab at your questions, mine is: Do you know what you want?  I don't mean for that to sound snippy, but you sound really confused.
  
  Here we go ...
  
  Do I invite him? That's a decision only you can make.  I'll play the devil's advocate here and answer "No.  Do not invite him."
  
  If I do, do I have to dance with him?  If you invite him, no you do not have to dance with him.  Why would you "have to" do that?
   
  Who do I sit him and his long-term GF w/?  Don't worry about where they sit.  Let them seat themselves and be done with it.  If you invite him at all.
  
  I am the ony female in our family with 3 other brothers...what to do- what to do???  I have no idea what this means, other than you are the only woman (daughter) and you either have 3 or 4 brothers ("other brothers").  Please explain. Thanks!
  

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• KathiC

  

  April 2012

  OK, let me elaborate a little further, as I can assure you I am not at all confused.
  
  I planned to invite him out of obligation, it's not like I haven't spoken to him, or don't have any relationship at all with him, it has simply always been a little strained. My brothers have had varying degrees of closeness to him as well. I thought it would be better to be the bigger person, if you understand. While I may not want him to be there, it may still be the right thing to do, I'm sure I'm not the only person who has faced this dilemma.
  
  As far as my mentioning that I am the only female child in the family, it was meant to explain that as the only daughter, and over 40 at that, this is the only opportunity for him to have the opportunities that are usually presented to the father of the bride, such as the dance, etc.

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• Lisa50 member

  

  April 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_what-to-do-with-daddy-dearestoh-and-intro-too?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:57a18646-a8e7-4c40-a4ce-7543135a0dfePost:e2d626ce-3b78-4b3d-80bc-27a4a92015a9">Re: What to do with "daddy dearest"...oh- and intro, too :)</a>:
  [QUOTE]OK, let me elaborate a little further, as I can assure you I am not at all confused. I planned to invite him out of obligation, it's not like I haven't spoken to him, or don't have any relationship at all with him, it has simply always been a little strained. My brothers have had varying degrees of closeness to him as well. I thought it would be better to be the bigger person, if you understand. While I may not want him to be there, it may still be the right thing to do, I'm sure I'm not the only person who has faced this dilemma. As far as my mentioning that I am the only female child in the family, it was meant to explain that <strong>as the only daughter, and over 40 at that, this is the only opportunity for him to have the opportunities that are usually presented to the father of the bride, such as the dance, etc.
  </strong>Posted by KathiC[/QUOTE]
  
  Okay, I'm getting it.  In my humble opinion, you need not put yourself through the torture of a dance with a man you cannot stomach. Many a reception has come and gone without a father/daughter dance, mine included. This is your wedding, you don't owe anyone -- <em>not anyone</em> -- an invitation, a dance, nothing. I promise you, it is a fabulous feeling to build a wedding and reception celebration which reflects your happiness.
  
  I believe, once you free yourself of restrictive, old school expectations (obligations, to use your language) and allow yourself the luxury of celebrating your wedding day in a way that makes you and your fiance happy, you will begin to work through some of these issues.  This is about you and your soon-to-be husband. No one else.
  
  Honestly, though, do you feel you can think about yourself in favorable terms, as a woman (a human being, not a "female") who deserves to begin married life with a wedding celebration full of joy and happiness? You definitely owe yourself that much.  Good luck!

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• KathiC

  

  April 2012

  Thank you both for your interesting insight!

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• denisefleming

  

  April 2012

  Kathi,
  
  I certainly second the others' view that you do not need to feel guilty about the father-daughter dance, etc. 
  
  However, assuming that your father is a decent person and assuming that you may someday have more of a relationship with him, I WOULD invite him.  This recommendation would of course go right out the window if he cannot be civil, etc.  Being at your wedding is something that you cannot re-do.  My own mom walked out on my first wedding (she was upset that I was marrying HIM).  Nearly 27 years later, it still hurts that she was not there.  Now, this time around, she may not be well enough to be in attendance.  This is something that is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I would personally hate to make a decision that I may regret later.  You can always talk to your dad about expectations and designate someone (one of your brothers?) to help usher him out if he upsets you during the wedding.
  
  Just my two cents... 

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